MEN......BLECH!!!!!

[SeRapH&CheRi]

This thread is not meant to bash men, nor is it intended to hurl insults. I have purposefully been avoiding this particular forum for a very long time; mainly due to some painful hurts I experienced last fall, which I am presently continuing to deal with. But here's the thing - do all men think and feel the same way when it comes to commitment? Why is emotional intimacy so difficult for you guys? I know that each individual and situation differ, however, I am at this moment starting to lose hope in all men. Am I bitter? Somewhat I suppose. I wish I wasn't - in fact I wish I still had enough trust in the opposite sex but unfortunately, at this moment, it's all a lost cause. I have surrounded myself with another layer on this thick inpenetrable wall which surrounds me. Men...Blech!!!!!

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

uhhh, we're sorry?

But yeah, no insult taken here. I feel you on this one. I'm a little bitter about women lately due to my interactions with a particular girl this week.

 

[renaistre]

... do all men think and feel the same way when it comes to commitment? Why is emotional intimacy so difficult for you guys?

The first question... definately no! I can say this with confidence, because my thoughts and feelings about commitment have changed wildly over time.

I don't know how the "typical" man feels about emotional intimacy, but I am avoiding it right now (along with relationships in general). Here's my thought process: I believe that as a guy I have certain responsibilities if I commit to a relationship. I feel that I need to provide a range of emotional supports. Now, I realize that a girl may or may not feel the need for this support, but may God have mercy on me if she needs it and I don't provide it! Frankly, it terrifies me to think of how much pain I could cause if I were to fail.

So my solution is that I am VERY careful in getting into a close relationship, because I know that if God's not behind it, I'm toast. I sometimes worry that this view will come across as coldness, but at this point I don't know what else to do.

I don't know if this is anything close to what you were looking for, but it might give you an idea of why some guys might be reluctant to open up or commit.

-Evan

 

[klewlis]

hey, they're not all bad! I know some really great Christian guys who love God and take really great care of their girls.

But even so, I have been where you are and feel for ya... the best thing to do is have a man-hating night (get some girls and watch chick flicks and eat icecream) and then move on... if you have a great guy friend who restores your faith in men, call him up just to talk, and that may help (if you don't have one of those, maybe I can lend you one of mine

 

[Donny_B]

Good to see you again....

Some guys can be real jerks and others are really, really nice. This is really perplexing to some of us guys, because it seems us nice guys get overlooked more often for the jerks....

Just hang in there, I say, sooner or later the right guy is going to come into your life.

 

[Injured Soldier]

[quote="klewlis]... if you have a great guy friend who restores your faith in men, call him up just to talk, and that may help (if you don't have one of those, maybe I can lend you one of mine [/quote]
Yeah, just find a nice guy who you wouldn't ever consider going out with in a million years who you can pour your little heart out to about how all the jerks of the world can't commit, etc, then move on to the next jerk.

 

[stray bullet]

Something smells bitter here

 

[MightyManofGod]

Blah, find a Christian, a good, sound in the word guy and you'll never go wrong. If your "dealing" with hurt, you want to wake up and realise who you are. Dealing indeed, ask the Lord to repair your heart and move on, learning a lesson in the process.

 

[William Nunn]

Yeah, just find a nice guy who you wouldn't ever consider going out with in a million years who you can pour your little heart out to about how all the jerks of the world can't commit, etc, then move on to the next jerk.

As soon as a woman can answer us men about why the above example happens so much, we'll tell you why a lot of men are commitment freaks!

 

[wvmtnkid]

This thread is not meant to bash men, nor is it intended to hurl insults. I have purposefully been avoiding this particular forum for a very long time; mainly due to some painful hurts I experienced last fall, which I am presently continuing to deal with. But here's the thing - do all men think and feel the same way when it comes to commitment? Why is emotional intimacy so difficult for you guys? I know that each individual and situation differ, however, I am at this moment starting to lose hope in all men. Am I bitter? Somewhat I suppose. I wish I wasn't - in fact I wish I still had enough trust in the opposite sex but unfortunately, at this moment, it's all a lost cause. I have surrounded myself with another layer on this thick inpenetrable wall which surrounds me. Men...Blech!!!!!

's S&C! I'm not too far from where you are. I have quite a few walls myself. But I have learned that if we keep building walls, nobody is going to want to conquer all those layers.

Don't lose hope, my friend. There are some great guys out there. But sometimes we have to look past our hurt and bitterness to find them. I have the utmost confidence that you will find someone to care for your heart and work through those walls. Just keep your eyes on Him and don't be discouraged by some of the valley's we go through from time to time. Maybe He is using them to prepare you for something wonderful ahead!

 

[KeilCoppes]

If all guys were to be judged by the actions of our most active representatives, we would definitely be in trouble, as we live in a sinful world. We're not all the same, though.

I've been in your shoes (sans any heels). It was pretty major about ten years ago, and I pretty much shut out everything myself - it took a long time to come back. Be assured, trust can come back, and sometimes with wisdom to temper it.

I had shut off within my soul
All hope of ever being other than alone,
I shut it in
With bands of harsh control
And sealed it with my tears
Lest there be some one to stab my heart again.
The years passed by and I
From time to time saw hope escape
To prick my soul to pain.
My little hopes died gruesome deaths
...And I gave up again.

The hope was silent for so long
I thought that it had gone
To leave me with some peace
Inside its prison's walls
But I was wrong,
As slightest outer hope
Soon showed that captive hope had grown
To burst out from its dungeon's halls triumphant.

It's current rampage is forestalled
For small dismays have scared it back into the dreary cold
And there it silent cries.
It knows not why
My ravaged soul still fears its failed attack
Or why no girlish hope has ears
To hear its hopeful song.

---- kc, 10 March 1993, 10 pm

My daily heart still knows
If girlish hope should ever call
It would with prisoned hope be bold,
But, oh, the risk if it should fall
To break on lonely rocks below;
And so my knowing mind
Will do its best to slow
And temper hope's blind and maybe foolish rush
With caution, slowly growing wisdom,
And knowledge that true love
If God ordains that it arrive
Will stand the test of time.

---- kc, 11 March 1993, 6:30 am
​

 

[secretdawn]

Good to see you again....

Some guys can be real jerks and others are really, really nice. This is really perplexing to some of us guys, because it seems us nice guys get overlooked more often for the jerks....

Just hang in there, I say, sooner or later the right guy is going to come into your life.

you know there is a such thing as too nice...where are all the normal nice inbetween guys...

 

[catch22]

Yes, guys are afraid of commitment. Men however are not. That is not to say however that if you commit that you are a man. What makes a man is spiritual, physical, psychological and emotional maturity. unfortunatley for the women out there, many guys never reach that stage. Add to the fact that most guys will tell a girl shes beautiful or tell her they love her without actually meaning it just to get what they want, and you have a pretty gloomy situation. A mature relationship is one in which God and recipocity towards each other are paramount.

 

[SeRapH&CheRi]

I believe that as a guy I have certain responsibilities if I commit to a relationship. I feel that I need to provide a range of emotional supports. Now, I realize that a girl may or may not feel the need for this support, but may God have mercy on me if she needs it and I don't provide it! Frankly, it terrifies me to think of how much pain I could cause if I were to fail.

So my solution is that I am VERY careful in getting into a close relationship, because I know that if God's not behind it, I'm toast. I sometimes worry that this view will come across as coldness, but at this point I don't know what else to do.

I don't know if this is anything close to what you were looking for, but it might give you an idea of why some guys might be reluctant to open up or commit.

-Evan

Evan,
I can comprehend what you posted, but here's the thing: the guy I dated last fall was incredibly intense and did all of the pursuing. He was open, he was vulnerable, he wanted us to build a committed relationship and life together, and he even stated that he wanted to "take care of me". He is a believer who loves and trusts God. However, I got burned in the end. This guy had alot of issues (but then again, we all have issues right?) and he shut down on me in the end. He thought he could "handle the relationship", but he obviously couldn't. I allowed myself to open up to him and even became emotionally attached to him. In the end? I got hurt.

I fully understand your explanation of why some guys might be reluctant to commit, but what about those who appear to be sure of their feelings and what they want, and then completely freak out and shut down? I don't understand!

Don't lose hope, my friend. There are some great guys out there. But sometimes we have to look past our hurt and bitterness to find them. I have the utmost confidence that you will find someone to care for your heart and work through those walls. Just keep your eyes on Him and don't be discouraged by some of the valley's we go through from time to time. Maybe He is using them to prepare you for something wonderful ahead!

Thanks wvmtkid. But at this point, I don't even see that ever happening. What is it with these guys I date? I honestly though this last one was the one who did care for my heart and yeah, he did eventually work through my walls. Yet again....... he freaked out.

 

[charligirl]

What is it with these guys I date? I honestly though this last one was the one who did care for my heart and yeah, he did eventually work through my walls. Yet again....... he freaked out.

Hmmm, I came to the conclusion 9 years ago that I kept falling for the wrong guys... so I did a counselling course to determine why, and stopped dating, prefering instead to wait until God showed me someone who looked like he could be right.. I gave myself a year for myself - which turned into 9 - but God was faithful, after 9 years I REALLY knew myself... knew God better and knew what to avoid in a man!

 

[SeRapH&CheRi]

Hmmm, I came to the conclusion 9 years ago that I kept falling for the wrong guys... so I did a counselling course to determine why, and stopped dating, prefering instead to wait until God showed me someone who looked like he could be right.. I gave myself a year for myself - which turned into 9 - but God was faithful, after 9 years I REALLY knew myself... knew God better and knew what to avoid in a man!

I am truly happy for you charligirl. I'd love to hear your story - send me a pm. I've pretty much released this all to God - I know He is in control. But right now I'm not really banking on meeting anyone soon. I'm still reeling from this last experience and need to heal.