Me not having been married, is a concern to a divorced Christian

[ThisIsMe123]

I so find the irony in this...I had been talking to a Godly woman on Match...I'm a Christian seeking Christian, and so is she.

Turns out, she has a concern of me of me not having ever been married (and had kids) because she believes I cannot relate or have experience the same kind of experience he has had in a previous marriage.

Considering how being a divorce Christian is frowned upon by God. I find the irony in this.

I mean, do you honestly think it's fair that she may pass on me because she simply sees a problem with me not having ever been married...when in fact...that's probably more inmy favor as a Christian (and more desirable) than a divorcee'? (Something that God frowns upon?)

But don't you think it's rather moot that she has grown kids, living away from home?

Why even make it an issue?

I almost feel I'm in a Catch 22 situation.

I want to re-emphasize, that it's more of a "concern" of hers, though I wonder if you read between the lines, that it's a dealbreaker?

I had even asked her if she thought is was even fair to see this as a concern? (Me not having ever been married?)

It is as if I almost feel I'm calling her out on her Hypocrisy

It is kind of funny, as I'm lucked upon as some kind of pariah for not having ever been married, when in fact, me trying to find that special someone, because I've never been married, would be a plus in any "Christian's" mind.

 

[Sketcher]

Since different marriages are by definition different, I don't know what she was hoping to relate to.

If she was looking for a man who suffered the same things in his marriage that she suffered as a woman in hers, I would question whether she would truly be happy with a man like that. For instance, either both of them would be used to wearing the pants, or neither of them would be used to wearing the pants. I get that she might not want a repeat, but that's an absurd overcorrection.

It's also possible that she was just making an excuse because she didn't see you as attractive enough. In which case, this is one less dishonest woman that you would be wasting your time building a relationship with.

Either way, since a divorced woman is a bad risk in light of what Jesus taught (Matt 5:32 and 19:9), and also the high likelihood that she either walked out on a marriage or drove her husband so crazy that he walked out on it (yes, exceptions exist to that), consider this another bullet dodged.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Since different marriages are by definition different, I don't know what she was hoping to relate to.

If she was looking for a man who suffered the same things in his marriage that she suffered as a woman in hers, I would question whether she would truly be happy with a man like that. For instance, either both of them would be used to wearing the pants, or neither of them would be used to wearing the pants. I get that she might not want a repeat, but that's an absurd overcorrection.

It's also possible that she was just making an excuse because she didn't see you as attractive enough. In which case, this is one less dishonest woman that you would be wasting your time building a relationship with.

Either way, since a divorced woman is a bad risk in light of what Jesus taught (Matt 5:32 and 19:9), and also the high likelihood that she either walked out on a marriage or drove her husband so crazy that he walked out on it (yes, exceptions exist to that), consider this another bullet dodged.

According to her, she didn't want the divorce...so..*shrug* I dunno. It's just kind of weird.

 

[bèlla]

It's easy to make negative assumptions. Unless she indicates that's the case. I wouldn't go there.

Once upon a time a woman who didn't marry was called a spinster. But there was never a similar term for men. And there's a reason. The majority who wanted to marry had no problem doing so. They were in demand. The ones who remained unattached preferred that state.

While the term is no longer prevalent the idea remains. Someone raised the issue of my propensity for dating unmarried men. He wondered why I didn't find it strange they never married. His consensus wasn't positive. He felt the absence was troubling and indicative of behaviors that impeded a union.

I've never heard the same from anyone else. But I filed it away. I knew what he was getting at.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about her intentions, character, or previous relationship. I'd take the high road and tell the truth. It didn't happen. Some opportunities looked promising. But they fell short.

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

I so find the irony in this...I had been talking to a Godly woman on Match...I'm a Christian seeking Christian, and so is she.

Turns out, she has a concern of me of me not having ever been married (and had kids) because she believes I cannot relate or have experience the same kind of experience he has had in a previous marriage.

Considering how being a divorce Christian is frowned upon by God. I find the irony in this.

I mean, do you honestly think it's fair that she may pass on me because she simply sees a problem with me not having ever been married...when in fact...that's probably more inmy favor as a Christian (and more desirable) than a divorcee'? (Something that God frowns upon?)

But don't you think it's rather moot that she has grown kids, living away from home?

Why even make it an issue?

I almost feel I'm in a Catch 22 situation.

I want to re-emphasize, that it's more of a "concern" of hers, though I wonder if you read between the lines, that it's a dealbreaker?

I had even asked her if she thought is was even fair to see this as a concern? (Me not having ever been married?)

It is as if I almost feel I'm calling her out on her Hypocrisy

It is kind of funny, as I'm lucked upon as some kind of pariah for not having ever been married, when in fact, me trying to find that special someone, because I've never been married, would be a plus in any "Christian's" mind.

It's an unfortunate reality that many in the church view adult singles as suspicious or like a second class citizen of heaven.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

Considering how being a divorce Christian is frowned upon by God. I find the irony in this.

Your right about that! If I were you I would be tempted even to work it into a joke to push back on her that "she should be feel lucky that you are willing to talk to a sinner"

Why even make it an issue?

When I was studying to be a counselor many years ago, my fellow classmates did stuff like that. Actually the Multicultural Counseling was the worst, it really was the fore runner of all the Intersectionalism stuff we see today. But basically it was very ironic because MFCC counselors are suppose to have the same kind of empathy as other mental health professionals like psychologists etc. but the class brought out the worst judgmental stuff from these people.

But anyway when we did our little classroom presentations about our family background and ethnicity I recall the same kind of objections if you were white and had a nice stable middle class home. Which was funny, because two years prior to that, I did a Community psychology class with these Psychiatric Diagnosed Homeless people and much of the time they were much more accepting and easier to get along with than with my Woke Psychology Grad Student classmates.

 

[com7fy8]

I mean, do you honestly think it's fair that she may pass on me because she simply sees a problem with me not having ever been married

How is your relating with her?

 

[Niels]

If it's an issue for her, that's her issue. Maybe she has trouble wrapping her head around the idea that people have different life experiences. Or maybe she thinks you'll look down on her for hers. Who knows, but she's doing you a favor by expressing this concern. The possibility of not being able to relate is a valid one.

 

[com7fy8]

Turns out, she has a concern of me of me not having ever been married (and had kids) because she believes I cannot relate or have experience the same kind of experience he has had in a previous marriage.

Well, Jesus did go through things of this life so now He can feel for us and minister to us His grace which made Him able to do so well. So, there can be a point to going through something so you can relate with another person who is going through that.

But Jesus to my knowledge did not get a divorce. Yet, Jesus can relate with us, out of His own experience. So, if she trusts that you a Christian are incapable of understanding her . . . pray about if God considers you able to understand her. And if you are going to spend time with her, trust God to have you learn from her, whether or not you marry her. Actually, trust God to guide if and how you share with her. If He has you share with her, He is trusting you to love her and be a good example and share helpful scripture.

Instead of trying to judge her actions, be her good example. In case you are going to share with her, see how you might learn more, from her about her experience so then you can be better able to feel for others, and for her.

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Well, she has asked to meet with me because well, she doesn't like chatting online much...or at least having long discussions there. So I guess that's something. She was kind of insisting on meeting in person....not sure if this is going to turn into a whole prostelizying session though.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I almost feel I'm in a Catch 22 situation.

No you're not, sack her off and pretend you never met her.

Life is too short to be stuck in catch 22 situations with - what did you call her? A 'godly' woman? *Shakes head* Nah mate, it's not worth it.

I'll forever fail to understand why some of you guys put yourselves through this hell. Especially when the world is rife with nice women who are literally right in front of you.

I'm willing to bet that you could message the next woman completely at random and hit it off better with her.

 

[Sketcher]

I'll forever fail to understand why some of you guys put yourselves through this hell. Especially when the world is rife with nice women who are literally right in front of you.

I'm willing to bet that you could message the next woman completely at random and hit it off better with her.

Given the exchanges OP has reported in the past with other women, I wouldn't count on it.

 

[justme6272]

Statistically, most desirable singles get snatched up before age 30.
If I were her, the relevant questions I'd want to know once I had at least seen your recent photo and talked on the phone, if not in person, include....
How old are you?
If over 27, I'd also might want to know....
Have you dated much? If not, why not? If so, have you mainly been dating women who you viewed as potential marriage partners, or mainly dated women you don't consider marriage material, just to go out and have fun? (ie: companionship only). Have you ever proposed marriage to a woman? If so, how many, and what were their reasons for saying 'no?' Have you ever turned down a woman's expressed desire to marry you? If so, how many times, and why?
The way you answered the questions would be important to me, not just the answers themselves. The answers might go a long way toward my thinking that you were choosy, (ie: standards unreasonably high given what you had to offer), undesirable, or some combination of both. Then I would proceed from there.

 

[Jamdoc]

I know this is going to offend some people, but in the bible, marrying someone who's been divorced is still considered adultery (Matthew 5:32).
To be honest. I wouldn't waste my time pursuing any form of intimacy with a divorced woman. You can be a friend, a brother, but pursuing any sort of intimate relationship is sin.
She's out of consideration for marriage, or at least she should be.
and if she's a Godly woman? She'd have to come to terms with that herself as well, that she shouldn't be on "the market"

 

[ThisIsMe123]

She's out of consideration for marriage, or at least she should be.

Hate to break it to you, but as I'm pushing 50, it's unrealistic to rule out all Christian women who hasn't been divorced by that age at least once in their life. If I did that, I'd never find anyone.

Honestly, I think that verse is quite debate-able.

Of course there's a caveat to that, if the former spouse cheated on her, (which was the case) then it's okay.

 

[Jamdoc]

Hate to break it to you, but as I'm pushing 50, it's unrealistic to rule out all Christian women who hasn't been divorced by that age at least once in their life. If I did that, I'd never find anyone.

Honestly, I think that verse is quite debate-able.

Of course there's a caveat to that, if the former spouse cheated on her, (which was the case) then it's okay.

Yeah, not everyone's going to get married, it sucks, but that doesn't make it okay to sin. It is however not sin to marry a widow.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Yeah, not everyone's going to get married, it sucks, but that doesn't make it okay to sin. It is however not sin to marry a widow.

Everyone sins at some point in their lives. It is inevitable. We're born sinners.

 

[justme6272]

Hate to break it to you, but as I'm pushing 50, it's unrealistic to rule out all Christian women who hasn't been divorced by that age at least once in their life. If I did that, I'd never find anyone.

Honestly, I think that verse is quite debate-able.

Of course there's a caveat to that, if the former spouse cheated on her, (which was the case) then it's okay.

So it may be God's will for you to remain single if you can't find a never-married woman willing to marry you. Having a high divorce rate in this day and age be so much higher than it was in Biblical times is not an excuse to violate scripture.

The verse if very clear. Whoever marries the divorced woman causes her to commit adultery. It's only debatable by people who don't want to accept it.

If the former spouse cheated, that may be grounds for divorcing them, but that's not the same as grounds for marrying the divorced person. Divorce and remarriage are two separate events, treated differently in scripture, and . It's nothing new that people twist scripture around to justify what they want to do, including pastors who counsel with and marry couples they should not, because they want to be accepted by a sinning congregation in order to keep their jobs.

Take the focus off of what you think is 'unrealistic' and put it on what's Biblical.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

So it may be God's will for you to remain single if you can't find a never-married woman willing to marry you.

I have found my share of those women, I would prefer it, yes...but by over 40, they've relationship hopped so-many times, they are damaged goods. If not that, they are overly picky.

So which would you rather have...a never married, 40+ person that's been in 10 relationships (sinning), or a marry a divorced person who's divorced from their 1st marriage after 20 years? (Still...sinning)

 

[ThisIsMe123]

This made me think of an early 50s, attractive, intelligent Christian woman in my area (declares it in her profile profoundly). I live in kind of small, suburban area where most Christians past 30 are married.

It was like finding a unicorn. lol

I must have sent her like 2 messages once per month, but no response. Of course, that's the story of my life on dating sites, very little results regardless.