maynard has found Jesus?

[twosteppin]

Lostsoul,



Actually, there is certain religion called Christianity which actually tells us that God doesn't expect us to be perfect, and will forgive us for everything we do. They talk about this guy that walked around named Jesus who actually did go around forgiving people, turning the other cheek when people slapped him and other such nonsense. Told people to love each other.

I've even heard that some of the more liberal Christians actually believe this.

Just to let you know, because it seems you hadn't heard.

and even some conservative Christians too....

 

[Roo6339]

"Christians, huh? So forgive me." - Bill Hicks

Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then ****ing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."

from their site...

looks like i was right to doubt you truthinfiction...

 

[Fear]

April fools joke.

I r teh winnar!11

 

[NINGirl]

Yeah, it's about time it's revealed as an April Fools joke. I didn't buy it for a second (okay, maybe a second...)

 

[Roo6339]

Yeah, it's about time it's revealed as an April Fools joke. I didn't buy it for a second (okay, maybe a second...)

i didn't at first... but when they released that MTV thing, that's when i started believing it... now i'm annoyed because that would have been so so so awesome...

 

[nadroj1985]

and even some conservative Christians too....

Of course, but only the cool ones

 

[LostsoulDFZ]

Talk about a contradictory statement:

JesusFreakForLife wrote...
"Modern Chrisitianity is not about using manipulation to coerce large segments of the population into accepting pre-determined morality. It's also not about planting seeds of fear in order to control said population. It's about Jesus' love. And if you don't believe it you will burn in hell for eternity."

 

[LostsoulDFZ]

Lostsoul,



Actually, there is certain religion called Christianity which actually tells us that God doesn't expect us to be perfect, and will forgive us for everything we do. They talk about this guy that walked around named Jesus who actually did go around forgiving people, turning the other cheek when people slapped him and other such nonsense. Told people to love each other.

I've even heard that some of the more liberal Christians actually believe this.

Just to let you know, because it seems you hadn't heard.

ok ok ok if u wanna go at it on this issue, if god and jesus are soo forgiving why does it say in mathew that jesus told people that if there eye causes them to sin(look at woman lustfully) they should gouge it out. and if there hand causes them to sin they should cut it off?? makes no sense to me, if hes gonna forgive u why does he want u gouging ur eyes out if ur just checking out ur best friends hot sister??

 

[Roo6339]

ok ok ok if u wanna go at it on this issue, if god and jesus are soo forgiving why does it say in mathew that jesus told people that if there eye causes them to sin(look at woman lustfully) they should gouge it out. and if there hand causes them to sin they should cut it off?? makes no sense to me, if hes gonna forgive u why does he want u gouging ur eyes out if ur just checking out ur best friends hot sister??

being forgiven does not make it alright to do it.

example: you disobey your parents... they forgive you. that doesn't make it okay to keep disobeying them.

what Jesus is saying is that if something causes you to sin, you should do all you can to remove that from your life. it doesn't literally mean gouge your eye out. it means do not put yourself in a position of temptation.

 

[twosteppin]

being forgiven does not make it alright to do it.

example: you disobey your parents... they forgive you. that doesn't make it okay to keep disobeying them.

what Jesus is saying is that if something causes you to sin, you should do all you can to remove that from your life. it doesn't literally mean gouge your eye out. it means do not put yourself in a position of temptation.
\

exactly roo.
forgiveness for sins go hand in hand with repentence. How do you repay someone who just saved you from a burning house...... by going back into the house? putting yourself in a situation where you know you will be tempted is not only wrong, its rather stupied.

 

[LostsoulDFZ]

being forgiven does not make it alright to do it.

example: you disobey your parents... they forgive you. that doesn't make it okay to keep disobeying them.

what Jesus is saying is that if something causes you to sin, you should do all you can to remove that from your life. it doesn't literally mean gouge your eye out. it means do not put yourself in a position of temptation.

haha ok i understand ur point of veiw and i honestly thought he was just using it as an example too, but i was jsut going by exactly wat the bible said instead of my own opinion on it.

 

[Durden Singer]

With, with a few days hindsight (und a few days of www.toolband.com updates) we can clearly see that it was an April Fools gag. Oh well. Sucks. It'd be pretty mad for him to be saved. Mad==crazy-cool, not mad==bad-things...

 

[Lonn]

I have been thinking allot about what has been going on in the past week or so with Maynard’s Prank and all and I thought I should share something with everyone.



First of all this is my first post to this forum, I found the forum from a link on Toolband.com when I heard he “found Jesus” I went straight to the site to see what was going on since he has been on my prayer list for so long.



I’m a 32-year-old Non-denominational Christian that love’s music. All music, it has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. As a Christian, I believe that God uses whatever he wants for his purpose. It doesn’t matter what it is, if He wants to use it He will. That includes music. He speaks to me through music, whether Christian or secular… Music that I have loved for years, I can hear differently with a blink of an eye and hear a message from Him.



I am a huge fan of Tool and there is nothing more that I would like to see in the music world than for Maynard to become Christian. There are many of his songs which I have interpreted as Christian, which brings me to the whole point of this post. Not only Tool songs, but also other secular bands have come across to me as having a Christian meaning.



I know I’m not the only one out there that this happens to. Does anyone know of a website where people can post Christian Interpretations of secular music? If not then I am seriously considering creating and hosting one.



Even though these artists may deny God, He can still use those artists for His purpose!



Any Thoughts?



Thanks

Lonn

 

[nadroj1985]

Does anyone know of a website where people can post Christian Interpretations of secular music?

You can do it here. Start a thread with some of your ideas. It could be interesting.

 

[MoreInSorrow]

I am a huge fan of Tool and there is nothing more that I would like to see in the music world than for Maynard to become Christian. There are many of his songs which I have interpreted as Christian, which brings me to the whole point of this post. Not only Tool songs, but also other secular bands have come across to me as having a Christian meaning.

Thoughts?.....yes.

I would have to say, if you are interpreting ANY of Tool's lyrics to be of any type of Christian persuasion or meaning, you must be doing so immediately after hitting the crack pipe.

 

[Lonn]

Thoughts?.....yes.

I would have to say, if you are interpreting ANY of Tool's lyrics to be of any type of Christian persuasion or meaning, you must be doing so immediately after hitting the crack pipe.

This was not the type of thoughts that I was expecting, nor was I expecting such a reply from anyone after I have only made one post, especially on a Christian Forum.

I don't know you nor do I know how to interpret your reply because it could have several different meanings so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you had no ill intent, but I must ask you. Are you accusing me of smoking crack? Or maybe you are trying to say that there is no way that I could hear from God unless I was on Crack first. Interesting... I guess that Balaam smoked some crack, or hit the crack pipe first, before God used his donkey to speak to him. (Numbers Chapter 22) I didnt know they had crack back then...

To all of you who took me seriously, I apologize for my reply, but I did not feel that MoreInSorrow's post was an appropriate reply to a first time post. I hope I didnt offend anyone. I will be starting a new thread in this forum for those who are interested in the topic I suggested.

To MoreInSorrow, no offense was taken... I just thought you should be made aware of how your post looks to a newbie. Have a great day
Lonn

 

[MoreInSorrow]

Ok, that post was probably a bit harsh, so for that I do apologize. And I'm not implying that I think you smoke crack, nor that you would have to do so to hear God. It was using a joke to get my point across.

But to say that some of Tool's lyrics could be interpreted as "Christian" is an incredibly long, unsubstantiated stretch in my opinion.

I would love to hear your interpretation of how songs about masturbation, anal sex, rape, and molestation could be construed as having a Christian message. And I'm not being sarcastic, I really want to know.

 

[Lonn]

The keyword here that even you said is "some".

True, you are correct about those subjects you mentioned, but I never mentioned any of the songs or lyrics that I was referring to. Although I could not agree with you more on those subjects (sex, molestation, mastubation, etc). There are others which have a lighter side.

Please forgive me for not posting those right now, I dont have the time at this minute. But I promise I will start a new thread tonight with at least one complete "disection" of a Tool song, complete with my Christian interepretation and opinions about the meaning of the song, with Bible references to support my thoughts. Again It will be my interpretation, by no means am I trying to say that is what Maynard meant. Its only one man's thoughts about one song, but coming from a Christian way of thinking.

BTW, Thanks for the apology, It is well respected.

Look for the post sometime tonight.

Lonn

 

[MoreInSorrow]

The keyword here that even you said is "some".

True, you are correct about those subjects you mentioned, but I never mentioned any of the songs or lyrics that I was referring to. Although I could not agree with you more on those subjects (sex, molestation, mastubation, etc). There are others which have a lighter side.

Please forgive me for not posting those right now, I dont have the time at this minute. But I promise I will start a new thread tonight with at least one complete "disection" of a Tool song, complete with my Christian interepretation and opinions about the meaning of the song, with Bible references to support my thoughts. Again It will be my interpretation, by no means am I trying to say that is what Maynard meant. Its only one man's thoughts about one song, but coming from a Christian way of thinking.

BTW, Thanks for the apology, It is well respected.

Look for the post sometime tonight.

Lonn

I will only address this for now:

I only said "some" so as to keep in line with your statement that "There are many of his songs that I've interpreted as Christian".......If I said NONE (which I believe to be more true), I would be making a sweeping generalization based on your statement. But I firmly believe NONE of his lyrics to have any potential for having a Christian message. So I'm curious to read what you've got to say.

Until you post later,

MIS

 

[SawZaw]

in reply to the people who think that christians overly judgemental: unfortunately, some are, and i'm sorry for that, you do have a valid point, that of all people, we should be the last to point our fingers at anyone, considering even jesus dined with the tax collectors. But don't be discouraged by the christians who are like that, and trust me, not all christians are. If anyone has a question about anything regarding this subject, feel free to ask.