I've been doing a lot of writing since the separation and subsequent divorce. It's been great therapy for me, I guess, in that it really helps to organize my emotions. I wanted to share this - I just felt a burden to do so, I guess. I hope that it helps organize thoughts for others as well.
I share this to help, but please don't forward it on unless you've contacted me - I'm working on something with this.
You never think it will happen to you not to me, not to us. It happens to other people. It happens to those people who dont care, dont love, arent nice or kind. It happens to people who arent as good as you, dont make as much money, have more conflict, or struggle with addictions. It happens to people with cold hearts and to people who dont deserve any better.
We say this about a lot of things. We talk about Cancer this way. We talk about drug addictions or teen pregnancy. We talk about DUI arrests, car accidents and job losses in this way. We talk about troubled teens, broken homes, and cheating husbands this way. I talked this way.
I have yet to meet anyone who believed divorce was an option on the day of their wedding. I have yet to find someone who took their marriage lightly in the beginning. I have not yet conversed with a person who believes divorce will happen to them. We talk about divorce as something that happens and is beyond our control. We speak of it like a tornado or blizzard or act of God. We treat it as though its out of our control, like we are a victim of a robbery or drive-by shooting. As if we think some evil outside force is responsible for the divorce it certainly couldnt be anything that we did, because we are not those people!
Thats how I used to think. That is, until I became a statistic of divorce. As I write this, I am almost two weeks post-divorce. I sit in a surreal fog, wondering what the hell just happened. It seems like just yesterday when we were so in love that we pledged our lives to each other. I remember our first time I saw her again, the nervousness, butterflies and damp, cold hands. She was more beautiful than I remember, but with a familiar smile and laughter; a familiar spirit. I remember our first kiss and the wave of emotion that followed. I fell in love immediately, much the way I did after our first kiss in high school. I remember the first time we made love and the first Christmas together. Now it seems like it was all a dream and that damned alarm just woke me up.
I was married for 27 months and one day. We wed on September 22, 2001 and the Judge signed the divorce decree on December 23, 2003. Just in time for Christmas. That doesnt exactly make for a happy holiday. And as I reflect upon the marriage, I still cannot decipher what has led me to this position; a 30 year old divorcee living in his Mothers basement and still hoping his phone will ring and his wifes voice will be on the other end. Its a sad turn of events, and one that, like you, I never thought I would experience.
So now that Im here, what do I plan to do? I havent really figured that out yet, either. Friends and family tell me to focus on my self, make myself happy, and treat myself well. Everyone else advises that I just get over it and be glad that I dont have kids. But I didnt lose my house in a fire or tornado. I wasnt hit by a drunk driver who just received his twenty-third DWI. I wasnt stricken with cancer or learned that I have Parkinsons disease. Im divorced, and the world hasnt stopped to feel my pain. It hasnt even stopped long enough for me to feel my own pain.
It seems that divorce is expected these days. Like the first time a girl broke your heart in Junior High. Its just right of passage, something you have to go through as you mature. Others have gone through it and have little to no sympathy because everyone just has to pay their dues. And so weve become bitter, cynical and cold. Weve come to expect divorces and even joke about how long this one will last. The divorce rate is over 50%, and I suspect it will continue to rise.
During a premarital class we attended at my then fiancés church, the head pastor said something that will stick with me forever: The funny thing about marriage is that despite the divorce rate, people are still doing it. As mundane as that sounds, I find it very profound. Oh, and a little note for those of you contemplating marriage; if your pastor is cynical about marriage, you may want to find another pastor to perform the ceremony. Better yet, find another church. This pastor wasnt involved in our wedding, so his cynicism probably wasnt a large influence.
Looking back on that day, our wedding day, I can remember nearly everything. I remember the nervousness, the fear, the sweating, the anticipation, the anxiety and excitement that goes along with standing in front of over two-hundred people and proclaiming your love and dedication to a single person. I can remember waiting for the signal to enter the church. Standing on the steps with a soon-to-be brother-in-law and father-in-law behind me, I realized there was no escape. No where to run. No changing my mind. Thats a sobering feeling, even if I didnt want to escape.
And so we said our vows, dedicated our lives and our love, and became man and wife. It seemed to go quickly, except for the hours spent smiling for the photographer. It was a good day. It was a blessed day. And now I was married. I thought I was safe! I never had to date again, I never had to try to impress someone, and I never had to be someone other than myself. I could relax, be real and enjoy having someone in my life forever. How naive I was. And perhaps, how naïve I still am.
What amazes me about divorce is how lightly people seem to take it. It allows people such an easy out to a situation they may find more difficult than they anticipated. This isnt as easy as I thought I must have married the wrong person. We know divorce is an option, because it has become so socially acceptable. And because of that, we seem to refuse to accept that marriages are a lot of work. We seem hell bent on the idea that all marriages should be easy and romantic and fun. And once we learn that our life long dreams of a blissful marriage require more than just signing a marriage certificate, we start to rethink our decision. We start to look at the partner we have chosen and wonder what the hell was I thinking?!? And Why didnt someone tell me!? We see our partner for who he/she really is no make up, no fancy clothes, no perfectly combed hair, and certainly not on his/her most polite and impressive behaviors. And the sheen starts to wear off. The new toy in our life starts to get boring. We wonder where the excitement went to and why marriage isnt all that the Bridal Magazines lead people to believe.
Marriage is hard. Its a challenge. Its stressful. Its expensive emotionally, physically and economically. Its scary. It isnt what we expected. And its all worth it!
I married the girl of my dreams. I say that will all confidence and honesty. I never imagined that I would be lucky enough to ever date her again, let alone marry her. Life was great. I realize now, as I spend my days trying to figure out where I went wrong, that I didnt know who I was really marrying. I still love her dearly, but when you take off all of the makeup and jewelry, she certainly was not who I thought she was. But she was my wife and I had committed my life to her. I still loved her more than anything (still do, for that matter), but when she let her hair down, I realized I didnt know her as well as I thought I did. And as much as I think this is normal, I believe that it is also the number one cause of marital strife: we maintain our dressed to impress behavior during our dating relationship, through the courtship phase and all the way through the honeymoon. Then the gloves come off and we can be ourselves, leaving our spouse to wonder who the hell this person is and why she didnt see this before. I sometimes feel that way about my ex-wife. And I know she feels that way about me.
I wrote the above three days after my divorce was final. My marriage is over, and more importantly, my love relationship with **** is gone. I dont take this lightly, and I find no humor in it. Others seem less bothered, happy even. And as I move through life trying to understand and deal with this loss, I realize that I may never get over losing **** for the second time. And with that, I have decided to do everything that I can to learn from this experience. I do this for myself and for others who may be able to take my life as an opportunity to cherish their marriage. I have decided to write this document to share the feelings, share the knowledge and share the loss that I have experienced through my divorce. I hope that it may do someone some good.
I share this to help, but please don't forward it on unless you've contacted me - I'm working on something with this.
You never think it will happen to you not to me, not to us. It happens to other people. It happens to those people who dont care, dont love, arent nice or kind. It happens to people who arent as good as you, dont make as much money, have more conflict, or struggle with addictions. It happens to people with cold hearts and to people who dont deserve any better.
We say this about a lot of things. We talk about Cancer this way. We talk about drug addictions or teen pregnancy. We talk about DUI arrests, car accidents and job losses in this way. We talk about troubled teens, broken homes, and cheating husbands this way. I talked this way.
I have yet to meet anyone who believed divorce was an option on the day of their wedding. I have yet to find someone who took their marriage lightly in the beginning. I have not yet conversed with a person who believes divorce will happen to them. We talk about divorce as something that happens and is beyond our control. We speak of it like a tornado or blizzard or act of God. We treat it as though its out of our control, like we are a victim of a robbery or drive-by shooting. As if we think some evil outside force is responsible for the divorce it certainly couldnt be anything that we did, because we are not those people!
Thats how I used to think. That is, until I became a statistic of divorce. As I write this, I am almost two weeks post-divorce. I sit in a surreal fog, wondering what the hell just happened. It seems like just yesterday when we were so in love that we pledged our lives to each other. I remember our first time I saw her again, the nervousness, butterflies and damp, cold hands. She was more beautiful than I remember, but with a familiar smile and laughter; a familiar spirit. I remember our first kiss and the wave of emotion that followed. I fell in love immediately, much the way I did after our first kiss in high school. I remember the first time we made love and the first Christmas together. Now it seems like it was all a dream and that damned alarm just woke me up.
I was married for 27 months and one day. We wed on September 22, 2001 and the Judge signed the divorce decree on December 23, 2003. Just in time for Christmas. That doesnt exactly make for a happy holiday. And as I reflect upon the marriage, I still cannot decipher what has led me to this position; a 30 year old divorcee living in his Mothers basement and still hoping his phone will ring and his wifes voice will be on the other end. Its a sad turn of events, and one that, like you, I never thought I would experience.
So now that Im here, what do I plan to do? I havent really figured that out yet, either. Friends and family tell me to focus on my self, make myself happy, and treat myself well. Everyone else advises that I just get over it and be glad that I dont have kids. But I didnt lose my house in a fire or tornado. I wasnt hit by a drunk driver who just received his twenty-third DWI. I wasnt stricken with cancer or learned that I have Parkinsons disease. Im divorced, and the world hasnt stopped to feel my pain. It hasnt even stopped long enough for me to feel my own pain.
It seems that divorce is expected these days. Like the first time a girl broke your heart in Junior High. Its just right of passage, something you have to go through as you mature. Others have gone through it and have little to no sympathy because everyone just has to pay their dues. And so weve become bitter, cynical and cold. Weve come to expect divorces and even joke about how long this one will last. The divorce rate is over 50%, and I suspect it will continue to rise.
During a premarital class we attended at my then fiancés church, the head pastor said something that will stick with me forever: The funny thing about marriage is that despite the divorce rate, people are still doing it. As mundane as that sounds, I find it very profound. Oh, and a little note for those of you contemplating marriage; if your pastor is cynical about marriage, you may want to find another pastor to perform the ceremony. Better yet, find another church. This pastor wasnt involved in our wedding, so his cynicism probably wasnt a large influence.
Looking back on that day, our wedding day, I can remember nearly everything. I remember the nervousness, the fear, the sweating, the anticipation, the anxiety and excitement that goes along with standing in front of over two-hundred people and proclaiming your love and dedication to a single person. I can remember waiting for the signal to enter the church. Standing on the steps with a soon-to-be brother-in-law and father-in-law behind me, I realized there was no escape. No where to run. No changing my mind. Thats a sobering feeling, even if I didnt want to escape.
And so we said our vows, dedicated our lives and our love, and became man and wife. It seemed to go quickly, except for the hours spent smiling for the photographer. It was a good day. It was a blessed day. And now I was married. I thought I was safe! I never had to date again, I never had to try to impress someone, and I never had to be someone other than myself. I could relax, be real and enjoy having someone in my life forever. How naive I was. And perhaps, how naïve I still am.
What amazes me about divorce is how lightly people seem to take it. It allows people such an easy out to a situation they may find more difficult than they anticipated. This isnt as easy as I thought I must have married the wrong person. We know divorce is an option, because it has become so socially acceptable. And because of that, we seem to refuse to accept that marriages are a lot of work. We seem hell bent on the idea that all marriages should be easy and romantic and fun. And once we learn that our life long dreams of a blissful marriage require more than just signing a marriage certificate, we start to rethink our decision. We start to look at the partner we have chosen and wonder what the hell was I thinking?!? And Why didnt someone tell me!? We see our partner for who he/she really is no make up, no fancy clothes, no perfectly combed hair, and certainly not on his/her most polite and impressive behaviors. And the sheen starts to wear off. The new toy in our life starts to get boring. We wonder where the excitement went to and why marriage isnt all that the Bridal Magazines lead people to believe.
Marriage is hard. Its a challenge. Its stressful. Its expensive emotionally, physically and economically. Its scary. It isnt what we expected. And its all worth it!
I married the girl of my dreams. I say that will all confidence and honesty. I never imagined that I would be lucky enough to ever date her again, let alone marry her. Life was great. I realize now, as I spend my days trying to figure out where I went wrong, that I didnt know who I was really marrying. I still love her dearly, but when you take off all of the makeup and jewelry, she certainly was not who I thought she was. But she was my wife and I had committed my life to her. I still loved her more than anything (still do, for that matter), but when she let her hair down, I realized I didnt know her as well as I thought I did. And as much as I think this is normal, I believe that it is also the number one cause of marital strife: we maintain our dressed to impress behavior during our dating relationship, through the courtship phase and all the way through the honeymoon. Then the gloves come off and we can be ourselves, leaving our spouse to wonder who the hell this person is and why she didnt see this before. I sometimes feel that way about my ex-wife. And I know she feels that way about me.
I wrote the above three days after my divorce was final. My marriage is over, and more importantly, my love relationship with **** is gone. I dont take this lightly, and I find no humor in it. Others seem less bothered, happy even. And as I move through life trying to understand and deal with this loss, I realize that I may never get over losing **** for the second time. And with that, I have decided to do everything that I can to learn from this experience. I do this for myself and for others who may be able to take my life as an opportunity to cherish their marriage. I have decided to write this document to share the feelings, share the knowledge and share the loss that I have experienced through my divorce. I hope that it may do someone some good.
