Marrying your first?

[jelvenko]

My husband is my first love. He was also my first real boyfriend. There was a guy I talked to online and on the phone who thought we were dating, but I knew it would never work out...

My husband was not my first kiss however, and I don't really regret that. It just proves to me how great of a kisser he is. hehehe .

He was my first in other things though, and that to me is more important to wait for until marriage, instead of first kiss and little things like that.

I realize that a lot of people argue that those who marry their first don't have enough experience, and don't know for sure if it's really "the one."

On the flip side, if you do marry your first, you know that you can make it through anything together (pending on how long you dated.) and that no matter what happens, it won't tear you apart. Whereas, if you've jumped around from one relationship to another, to me, it seems as if there would be more difficulty with the commitment. I am not saying this to offend anyone, and I apologize if I do. it is just my own opinion and observations.

I have several friends who it seems like every month they are dating someone new. To me that says they have commitment issues. I don't know if that true or not, but to me that's what it is.

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

I married my first...first everything even down to first kiss. I love that my hubby was my first everything and don't regret at all not testing the waters with anyone else.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Having previous relationships generally gives more hangups and baggage than it does better coping skills. Some things, the things that can't be learned from family and friend relationships, simply have to be learned with your marriage partner. No two people are the same, so what worked with one may not work with another. Furthermore, if Sheila, John's old girlfriend, was a big manipulator then in the next relationship John is suspicious of everything being manipulation, etc. Let's face it, if you had a lot of relationships, then a lot of relationships failed. That is not really a good track record. I really am not trying to insult anyone here. I myself did it the wrong way, and I can honestly say that all of my past experience has not prepared me to be a godly wife. I wish I would have done it the right way from the get go. I don't think we should shame anyone with a lot of past relationships, but please don't call one relationship bad. That really is the way God intended it. We would all be in a first relationship if our first one hadn't failed. Please do not assume failure makes us wise.

 

[dusky_tresses]

Sorry I have not been able to respond to this thread sooner. School has been keeping me very, very, VERY busy but today I happened to get a chance.

I don't want anyone to think that because I'm mentioning that I'm going to marry my first, that I'm making light of whatever negativity they have experienced (I'll elaborate) or trying to say that I am "better". And good grief, by no means am I implying that the guy/girl's hand you held in junior high makes you a bad person because it wasn't your spouse's hand either.

I have mixed feelings on the subject.

On the one hand - I think that if it works out - marrying your first can be an awesome thing.

On the other hand - from personal experience - it can also be a source of resentment and aggravation.

I can understand where you are coming from. Everyone's personal experiences are different and it's a matter of how we all handled everything and thought about the situation.

I would never try to dissuade someone from being with their first - because if they can maintain it - that rocks. However - understand that in that choice - you are stepping into potentially troubled waters. To me - in a sense - it's kind of like if you had the option to spend the rest of your life believing in Santa Claus. So long as nothing challenged it - and if you could maintain that sense of wonderment and awe - that would rock.

I disagree with you here and I can't help but take a little offense. Just because I haven't dated around does not mean I am naive or have never questioned anything. When I first started dating my fiance, there were many times where I wondered what it would be like to be with someone else or several other people. I have a friend who married years ago to her first real boyfriend and she told me that she too wondered what would happen if they had broken up and seen other people. But that's when she realized the reason why she kept wondering was because it was her way to not think and deal with their current issues/problems.

...but just envision if you chose to truly believe in Santa Claus and really based a lot of your reality and happiness upon that...and then found out at age 40 that it was just a story...

What about all the people who dated from age 16 and marry later in their 20's, only to find out in their 40's that marriage wasn't all that it was cracked out to be? Everyone has romantic notions about marriage, regardless of whether or not they dated 1 person or 10 people.

You can take the course of wonderment - and have the chance at a wonderfully long life being intentionally naive but happy (but with the risk of a big letdown and rude awakening) - or you can take the course of "experience" - which will probably better equip you for *all* of the various options that life might throw at you.

Ya know?

I think there is a lot more to life and learning and experience than dating several people. I've been through a lot-- I've been to court because of family abuse, I've nearly been expelled from college in the past, I've had my ups and downs with trusting people-- I think all of those experiences have taught me more than dating more people could.

Whenever I hear of people who're marrying their first, I feel a little sad for them, and I worry about their future... And yes, I tend to see some display a great deal of naieve thinking.

Not all of us are naive. I'm not a 16 year old girl bouncing because my high school bf gave me his class ring.

I find it sad that many people attribute naivite to those who are not dating-experienced. I feel sad for the people who believe it's a requirement to date multitudes of people in to be happy and marry.

Are you SURE about that? That bitterness and jealousy aren't far away? How about someone who's struggling with their own sins and feels as though someone's just made light of them with a quick-fix solution? That's not bitterness. It's not jealousy. It's feeling as though the other person doesn't understand them and their experiences and their struggles. And of course they don't... that's God's area of expertise. Or how about someone who clearly sees that a lack of life experience makes someone far more prone to making simplistic comments? (Briseis - not referring directly to you here!)

Okay I'm guessing that this is referencing what that girl said to me in church. She pretty much said that it's easy for me to go on about being abstinent because I hadn't dated several people, where I guess after all of those experiences/temptations I would "really know". I don't understand why she said that but I don't necessarily think she was jealous. I would have rather her say something about how she was feeling or thinking at the time than this snide comment (which she did in fact, say it in a snide tone). I guess she was implying that I shouldn't be proud about being abstinent because I haven't placed myself in enough compromising situations to really know that I've been strong in that area? I don't know, but one of the older ladies had taken me aside privately afterward and told me to ignore her comment because the girl may have been jealous...but we can guess away...

Having previous relationships generally gives more hangups and baggage than it does better coping skills.

Hmm...I can see what you're saying but I think it depends on the person. Some people learn from their mistakes, even if they have to date 7 people in order to find a person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I think there's only hangups and baggage if you dwel and reflect negatively. Also, keep in mind that you can have these same things with friendships as well-- romantic and friendship relationships can both fail.

I don't think we should shame anyone with a lot of past relationships, but please don't call one relationship bad. That really is the way God intended it. We would all be in a first relationship if our first one hadn't failed. Please do not assume failure makes us wise.

But keep in mind that's a matter of whether or not you believe in God and what your faith is ( I guess that's sorta a side track). I agree we shouldn't shame anyone who has had a lot of failed relationships...if anything they probably need some support.


I guess my main problem with this issue is why it bothers others so much (such as my friends and some family) why I'm marrying "my first." A guy friend of mine was actually sorta concerned and asked me serious questions about this, and I swear every time we hang out, he has to ask "are you sure you don't want to date anyone else?" I don't get it-- I'm not asking anyone, or him to fawn over my relationship but how about a little support? I mean everyone seems to really like my fiance.

 

[Snowbunny]

Recently this issue has been bothering me. Not bothering me because I think I was supposed to do it, but because others are trying to stress to me that I should have done it.

To get to the point, is there a set number of people you were supposed to be in a relationship with/date before getting married? To be honest, my fiance is my first-- yes, my first. First holding hands, kiss, hug, cuddle, eskimo kiss, engagement. Is that such a bad thing? As I was growing up I had always really just wanted a "first and only" love, sorta a romantic thing for me. When I was 18+ I did have the opportunity to date other guys and be romantically involved with them, but I didn't.

When my fiance came along the day I met him I knew there was something special about him-- sorta like the Savage Garden song "I Knew I Loved You" I know, I am getting really sappy now! But it's the truth! And three and a half years later, we're getting ready for our wedding

So anyways...I was just never interested in "dating around" or wanting to keep a tally of all the people I've been in relationships with. One of my friends will bring this up every now and then and say "but don't you ever wonder..." or "well how do you know?..." and even "you won't have anyone else to compare to.."

. The truth is, I don't wonder and don't want to know. I'm an adult and I'm making this choice fully knowing what my responsibilities are and what I need to bring to the table. So why does it bother people so much? I personally have nothing against someone else having had a few relationships, but is it necessary for everyone to?

And then at church in the women's group we talked about the importance of having personal purity and when I shared with the other ladies that I'm waiting until the wedding night, one of the other girls said "well that's so easy for you to say when you've only been with one person." I felt like she was saying "you're inexperienced."

Has there been anyone else who married their first? Is it commonplace to marry your first girlfriend/boyfriend? It is bad?

first and only! i've been in love with my husband since i was 8...

 

[seamonster]

My husband was my first, I was not his first.
Things worked out just fine for us. "Dating" was never appealing to me so I married my best friend and the first boy I fell in love with.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

My DH wasn't my first, and I hate it. I wish so much that he was. My past 'experience' with guys was nothing but heartbreaking and hurtful, to both me and my DH.
God bless you and your fiance.

 

[ryanb6]

dating isn't even biblical

 

[Evangelina]

dating isn't even biblical

Hmmm... do you mean 'it's unbiblical' or 'it isn't mentioned in the bible'?

 

[dusky_tresses]

I think for people who choose to marry the only person they've ever dated, the best and most honest thing they can do is step up and say "Yes, there's stuff I don't know because I've got little-to-no experience in dating. Yes, there are challenges that will come up because of this that I don't see coming, and won't even know could come. But you know, we can handle it when it comes because we've done X, Y, and Z to help us through this transitional time, and if we stick to how we plan on tackling these issues, we can make it." I think that actually for any couple, the best thing they can do for their marriage is admit before they go into it that there's a lot the don't know, a lot they'll have to deal with, and that they'd have some pretty darn good relationship coping skills to draw on if they have any hope of making it last.

I think saying "I think the people who choose to marry the only person they've ever dated..." is doing an injustice to everyone because in reality, noone really knows how they are going to handle everything and anything. There have been many people who date alot (having a select few serious relationships at least) for years with each person before getting married to one of them, only to find out that they are physicall and emotionally abusive. There are people who date more than one person and then find out the person they married is gay. There are people who marry after dating several people to find out that their spouse changes and morphs into someone they don't know and can't recognize. Every marriage needs to consider these things. It's unfair to say "yes there are things I don't know because I've got little-to-no experience in dating" when in reality what should be said is "yes there are things I don't know because I've never ventured into marriage before and this is a new step for both of us."

From what my married friends have told me (including couples who have been married or 30+), it's not a matter of how many people you did or didn't date or your experience that creates an environment for success- it's the attitudes of the couple who marry. If a couple who marries has the attitude of "all you need is love", well as cute as the Beatles are, there's a lot more you need to make it to those decade anniversary milestones. But if a couple walks into their marriage with "all you need is love" and then find out that there's more, but also say "oh...I guess there's more than love that we need, so let's work on what we need", I think is an attitude that overcomes struggles.

I know that you and I will probably not see this issue eye to eye, and that's okay. However, I think there are a lot of ways a person can apply and extrapolate their experiences to various situations, and I guess it depends on the person and what experiences they do or do not desire. If a person desires to date a few people before getting married, I don't think that makes them a bad person or anywhere near that ballpark but what I don't appreciate is when others believe it's an instance to show great concern as if I'm making a terrible mistake, or because I'm immature and unwilling to listen to advice, or because they believe I need to make some mistakes before I get married. I am not directing any of this to anyone here-- I've just come across a lot of people like this lately, who think it's their job to encourage me to break up with my fiance and date casually until they decide it's okay for me to get married. What's worse is that a couple of these people have been friends. I certainly don't tell them or others that they aren't allowed to date who they want or how many they want, but what I don't get is why they are telling me.

And as far as what ryanb is saying, I think it's both-- an honest reading of the Bible will show that the modern interpretation of finding/marrying one's spouse is not mentioned, or encouraged. Marriages back then were either arranged, were a chaperoned courtship, or was a very brief meeting between both people who decided they liked each other and then got engaged-- all of which still happen to this day, one more than the others.