Marrying your first?

[Scottish Joy]

My DH was my first real boyfriend. I'd had crushes before (by the dozens! ), but thankfully nothing happened because of them. Praise the Lord, DH was my first for everything ('cept hand holding) and I'm his first!

 

[LayItDown]

My husband is my first everything. I'm not his first, though we both were virgins. God put a desire in my heart since i was a child, that i would marry my first love. I had no desire to kiss a guy if i knew he wasn't the one i could fall in love with. No one knows what God has told you, so they can't say anything that should sway you .

 

[FaithfulWife]

You guys are so cute! God bless you!

Speaking from the point of view of a 45 year old, let me just say this. When I was in high school, I dated ONE christian young man and when we went to different colleges we just drifted apart. I loved someone in college who did not love me. And then, when I graduated, I specifically did what God told us not to do, and I dated, fell in love with, and married a non-believer. For many, many reasons, our marriage did end in divorce--not the least of which was our differing religious views!

So do not be "ashamed" or "discouraged" by people when they suggest that you are missing out on something if you date and marry "your first." On the contrary, I now have come to believe that the only one you should date is the one you are serious enough about to actually marry! If you don't know enough about the person to know they are a godly man or woman, then you shouldn't get serious about them--and you avoid getting serious by not dating them!!

Personally, if it were me, I'd be proud that I dated, loved, married, and made a covenant commitment to only one person!! That is an AMAZING testimony.

 

[teishpriest]

I too married the first man I ever dated. But, it is also something that I specifically asked God for. I never wanted to "date" anyone except the man I would marry. I prayed for that a lot. I also was friend with my DH for SEVERAL years before we ever dated, so it's not like I just met some guy and jumped right in without knowing him, LOL! I don't think you HAVE to marry the first person you date, but it was important to me, so I was VERY particular, and didn't even date my DH until I was sure that I'd marry him as soon as he asked! So, just enjoy how romantic it is to marry your "first", and kudos to your commitment to wait until your wedding night, SO WORTH IT!

 

[CelticGrace]

My DH was my second true boyfriend and second engagement. He was nowhere near my first kiss (neither was my first boyfriend for that matter) but DH & I were both virgins on our wedding night.

It's really sweet that you and your DH shared the first everything together. I've known a couple of people who married their first-everything and they are really happy together.

 

[DZoolander]

I have mixed feelings on the subject.

On the one hand - I think that if it works out - marrying your first can be an awesome thing.

On the other hand - from personal experience - it can also be a source of resentment and aggravation.

When I was in my late teens, I dated a girl, and she was my first (and for clarity's sake, I wasn't hers). We dated for about 6 years, and then got married. The marriage only lasted for about a year - before I divorced her - and petitioned for/was granted an annulment from the Church.

To be honest - for the bulk of my 20's - I thought to myself "This is great!" - but once we split and I booted her out - it festered a lot of resentment within me. I spent a lot of my late 20's feeling like "What an incredible waste of my time."

I'm now nearly 38 - and it's been a long time since. After that happened, I went through 3 years of not dating anyone, 5 years of just dating around - and then about a year and a half ago got married to a wonderful woman.

As someone that has been on both sides of the fence - I can see pros and cons for both.

I would never try to dissuade someone from being with their first - because if they can maintain it - that rocks. However - understand that in that choice - you are stepping into potentially troubled waters. To me - in a sense - it's kind of like if you had the option to spend the rest of your life believing in Santa Claus. So long as nothing challenged it - and if you could maintain that sense of wonderment and awe - that would rock. It's not really the most "sophisticated" way of looking at life - and really doesn't engender any sense of a "bigger picture" - but honestly - are those things really necessary in life? I think the kind of life you lead - and how happy you are at the end - are the things that really matter. I also don't think that being intentionally naive contradicts those ends, either, and it's certainly not a bad thing.

...but just envision if you chose to truly believe in Santa Claus and really based a lot of your reality and happiness upon that...and then found out at age 40 that it was just a story...

That's what you avoid when you choose to go the other route. To an extent - gaining that "sophistication" - it gives you a better sense of "reality" (for lack of a better way of putting it.) Those that *have* dated around - in my humble opinion - are better equipped for the various things that life might (and probably will) throw at them.

So - both have their pros and cons... Neither is better or worse. They're simply different approaches (in my humble opinion). It's up to you to decide which course you want to take.

You can take the course of wonderment - and have the chance at a wonderfully long life being intentionally naive but happy (but with the risk of a big letdown and rude awakening) - or you can take the course of "experience" - which will probably better equip you for *all* of the various options that life might throw at you.

Ya know?

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Has there been anyone else who married their first? Is it commonplace to marry your first girlfriend/boyfriend? It is bad?

I married my first boyfriend~I don't see anything wrong with what we did.

 

[Romanseight2005]

It sounds like the woman who spoke up in your group at church was bitter and jealous. Her response was in no way indicative of what is right. I think that the purity of your life convicts her, and that was where her retort came from.

 

[Evangelina]

It sounds like the woman who spoke up in your group at church was bitter and jealous. Her response was in no way indicative of what is right. I think that the purity of your life convicts her, and that was where her retort came from.

Wowsers. You seem to know her well.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Wowsers. You seem to know her well.

I said it sounds like. I thought it sounded that way because of the words she used.
well that's so easy for you to say when you've only been with one person." I felt like she was saying "you're inexperienced."

Anytime I hear the words, well that's easy for you to say, it is said out of a kind of, you don't know what it's like to be me, and you don't know what you are talking about. Those things stem from hardness. You are right I don't know her, but if anyone uses those words to tell someone why the right thing may not be so right, then bitterness and jealousy can not be far away.

 

[HeatherJay]

I said it sounds like. I thought it sounded that way because of the words she used.
well that's so easy for you to say when you've only been with one person." I felt like she was saying "you're inexperienced."

Anytime I hear the words, well that's easy for you to say, it is said out of a kind of, you don't know what it's like to be me, and you don't know what you are talking about. Those things stem from hardness. You are right I don't know her, but if anyone uses those words to tell someone why the right thing may not be so right, then bitterness and jealousy can not be far away.

Still seems a stretch...

 

[Evangelina]

I said it sounds like. I thought it sounded that way because of the words she used.
well that's so easy for you to say when you've only been with one person." I felt like she was saying "you're inexperienced."

Anytime I hear the words, well that's easy for you to say, it is said out of a kind of, you don't know what it's like to be me, and you don't know what you are talking about. Those things stem from hardness. You are right I don't know her, but if anyone uses those words to tell someone why the right thing may not be so right, then bitterness and jealousy can not be far away.

Are you SURE about that? That bitterness and jealousy aren't far away? How about someone who's struggling with their own sins and feels as though someone's just made light of them with a quick-fix solution? That's not bitterness. It's not jealousy. It's feeling as though the other person doesn't understand them and their experiences and their struggles. And of course they don't... that's God's area of expertise. Or how about someone who clearly sees that a lack of life experience makes someone far more prone to making simplistic comments? (Briseis - not referring directly to you here!)

I must admit, this idea of women being enviousof younger and more innocent ones is a weird one. I know it does happen. But I'd never jump to the conclusion that someone was envious without very clear indications... I mean, I've never been envious of someone for being younger and more naive. I'm far more likely to worry that their naivete is about to lead them into some serious pain. And occasionally, when I've gently questioned their readiness for some step, I've been told I'm old and jealous and bitter...

 

[Romanseight2005]

As I said, I merely stated what it sounded like to me. From what she stated she wasn't telling the other lady that she did anything wrong, or that people who marry after dating others are wrong. She was stating her situation as it was. I think the words, That's easy for you to say, are just plain rude to say to someone who hasn't set out to offend. That is why I immediately thought it sounded like bitterness. You don't have to agree with me, and I am not even claiming to know what was in her heart for certain. In fact the whole reason I even made the statement was to show the op that she shouldn't take that person's comment to heart. I do understand flippant remarks from people who seem to lack compassion. That just isn't how this situation sounded to me, and I do believe that I am free to say how a situation sounds to me.

 

[PegasusOnFire]

My husband was my first Jr. High boyfriend/bestfriend, and remained a good friend for years. I dated several other guys in school and he dated one other girl, but we knew in the end that we were ment to be together, no he was not my first kiss but he will be my last, he was however my first everything else.

That being said I applaude you and your fiance.

 

[tigercub]

Has there been anyone else who married their first? Is it commonplace to marry your first girlfriend/boyfriend? It is bad?

I married my first! Not first kiss/hug/flirt but first 'everything else' and first real boyfriend, IYKWIM.

BTW, I didn't purposefully 'wait', it just turned out that way, and I am happy. Also, he became my first before the wedding night . I don't regret anything.

I am not DH's first anything btw, and that doesn't bother me.

 

[TheDag]

Whenever I hear of people who're marrying their first, I feel a little sad for them, and I worry about their future... And yes, I tend to see some display a great deal of naieve thinking.

I'm not having a go at you TW but I did want to comment on the bit I've emphasised. This really has nothing at all to do with experience or lack of experience in dating. I've known people who have dated heaps of others and are so immature in relationships it isn't funny and then there have been people who have only ever dated one person and are very mature. It is more a reflection on what the person is like than experience. If it is experience it is a more general life experience than a specific style. Even the way you interact with friends and family will (at least shoul) teach you and give you experience so if you are marrying your first it doesn't matter. I had a friend who was concerned because when he asked I told him I hadn't dated anybody else. Of course his view of dating someone was if you go out with them once where I take dating to be if you are more serious and have been out quite a few times.

 

[Chan1976]

I'm not having a go at you TW but I did want to comment on the bit I've emphasised. This really has nothing at all to do with experience or lack of experience in dating. I've known people who have dated heaps of others and are so immature in relationships it isn't funny and then there have been people who have only ever dated one person and are very mature. It is more a reflection on what the person is like than experience. If it is experience it is a more general life experience than a specific style. Even the way you interact with friends and family will (at least shoul) teach you and give you experience so if you are marrying your first it doesn't matter. I had a friend who was concerned because when he asked I told him I hadn't dated anybody else. Of course his view of dating someone was if you go out with them once where I take dating to be if you are more serious and have been out quite a few times.

 

[Evangelina]

That just isn't how this situation sounded to me, and I do believe that I am free to say how a situation sounds to me.

Of course you are! It's just that I'll feel free to disagree if I think you're being too harsh in your opinion

 

[TheDag]

It was just because you were the last person to make that kind of comment that I quoted you. Others have not put in the qualifier you did and my post was more directed at them.

The bit about learning from other relationships is all about handling conflict and things like that. If you do this in a healthy way in all other relationships then you would do it in a dating relationship or mariage. No matter what problems you experience then you can work out if you have those healthy ways of dealing with things. There are a number of general things like that where I feel the same applies. Certainly if you get into specifics it is different but if you have the general guidelines for healthy relationships in place then you can deal with those situations in a healthy way that will help grow the relationship even if it does take some time to figure out the answer.

 

[purplecloth]

my husband was not my first for anything apart from true love... and that, to me, is whats most important...

i think its really sweet when someone has their first and only...

but most of us do not live that life...

my 'physical' firsts were all with people who were with other people at the time... ive only just realised that... thats weird...

praise the Lord for forgiveness and wholeness...