Marrying your first?

[dusky_tresses]

Recently this issue has been bothering me. Not bothering me because I think I was supposed to do it, but because others are trying to stress to me that I should have done it.

To get to the point, is there a set number of people you were supposed to be in a relationship with/date before getting married? To be honest, my fiance is my first-- yes, my first. First holding hands, kiss, hug, cuddle, eskimo kiss, engagement. Is that such a bad thing? As I was growing up I had always really just wanted a "first and only" love, sorta a romantic thing for me. When I was 18+ I did have the opportunity to date other guys and be romantically involved with them, but I didn't.

When my fiance came along the day I met him I knew there was something special about him-- sorta like the Savage Garden song "I Knew I Loved You" I know, I am getting really sappy now! But it's the truth! And three and a half years later, we're getting ready for our wedding

So anyways...I was just never interested in "dating around" or wanting to keep a tally of all the people I've been in relationships with. One of my friends will bring this up every now and then and say "but don't you ever wonder..." or "well how do you know?..." and even "you won't have anyone else to compare to.."

. The truth is, I don't wonder and don't want to know. I'm an adult and I'm making this choice fully knowing what my responsibilities are and what I need to bring to the table. So why does it bother people so much? I personally have nothing against someone else having had a few relationships, but is it necessary for everyone to?

And then at church in the women's group we talked about the importance of having personal purity and when I shared with the other ladies that I'm waiting until the wedding night, one of the other girls said "well that's so easy for you to say when you've only been with one person." I felt like she was saying "you're inexperienced."

Has there been anyone else who married their first? Is it commonplace to marry your first girlfriend/boyfriend? It is bad?

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

God Bless you.

 

[HeatherJay]

My husband wasn't my first anything. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I enjoyed dating. I enjoyed kissing boys and being shamelessly flirtatious back in the day. I have a lot of good memories and good friends through those experiences.

I wasn't my husband's first anything either...and I'm okay with that, too. I'm not jealous of any of the other girls. I don't go crazy thinking of the things he probably did with the girls in his past.

For us, it's really such a non-issue it's not even funny. I see people on CF getting all hyper about being each other's first, but honestly, I think it's just an online Christian community phenomenon...because it's not been my experience that the Christians that I know in real life hold that same strict attitude about it.

I think it's beautifully romantic and special...saving yourself entirely for your husband. Seriously, it is...I'm not trying to be condescending by saying so. And I think it's even more special that you're doing it entirely out of personal conviction, and not some sense of false propriety or guilt that's been placed upon you. You husband to be is a lucky man.

But I agree that people (on either side) shouldn't judge or even worry about what happened in the past of someone else's relationships...we're all working out our own walk with God and with our spouse...and we all will hopefully wind up in the same place in the end...having had a beautiful, spirit-led marriage that lifts up and brings glory to God.

 

[dusky_tresses]

For us, it's really such a non-issue it's not even funny. I see people on CF getting all hyper about being each other's first, but honestly, I think it's just an online Christian community phenomenon...because it's not been my experience that the Christians that I know in real life hold that same strict attitude about it.

It's not that I ever held a strict attitude about it-- it's just how things happened. And I don't get "hyper" or anything about it-- my fiance is my first and while we were dating, things never got to the point where we broke up, and I didn't date anyone else. If we had broken up, I'm sure things would be different, but it didn't happen that way.

I didn't have one boyfriend out of a sense of propriety or guilt-- those things never even crossed my mind. This is how things happened and I wouldn't want it any other way. But it's when others, especially friends, who try to make me feel otherwise.

 

[HeatherJay]

It's not that I ever held a strict attitude about it-- it's just how things happened. And I don't get "hyper" or anything about it-- my fiance is my first and while we were dating, things never got to the point where we broke up, and I didn't date anyone else. If we had broken up, I'm sure things would be different, but it didn't happen that way.

I didn't have one boyfriend out of a sense of propriety or guilt-- those things never even crossed my mind. This is how things happened and I wouldn't want it any other way. But it's when others, especially friends, who try to make me feel otherwise.

I know...I tried to be clear that you weren't one of the "hyper" ones, lol. I think your story is really special and romantic...and all for the right reasons.

I think it's beautifully romantic and special...saving yourself entirely for your husband. Seriously, it is...I'm not trying to be condescending by saying so. And I think it's even more special that you're doing it entirely out of personal conviction, and not some sense of false propriety or guilt that's been placed upon you. You husband to be is a lucky man.

 

[Johnnz]

I married the only woman I was ever serious about. No issues with that.

But God works in each of our lives, so people can enter marriage by several doors yet have great marriages.

John
NZ

 

[Autumnleaf]

It is best to marry your first and do things right. People who politely cloud this issue don't do anyone any favors. You are blessed to be where you are. God be with you and yours.

 

[Chan1976]

I had a pretty similar experience.. my husband was my first everything, and no, I'm not ashamed to say that. I received a few comments about it too, but to me, I just feel blessed not to have to sort through the bad eggs to meet someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. Does my experience make me a better or worse person? Definitely not, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

As for your friend's comments, I don't see how being with only one person means that it's easier to maintain purity before marriage.

 

[MyaShane]

Well, I certainly don’t think anyone’s trying to cloud the issue here, just sharing personal experiences.
How do you make it through your teenage years without having a few firsts? I think I was in love with a different boy every week back then and had various boyfriends. I wouldn’t expect my husband to be jealous now of me holding some boy’s hand at a Jr. High dance. For me it’s about how we interact with the opposite sex once we’re seriously involved (engaged, married) not what happened before we were ever together.
If you and your SO are each other’s first and it’s important to you – great. If you’re not and it’s not important to either of you – great, too. It‘s about what works for us individually IMO.

 

[peteos]

Married my first.

 

[sageoffools]

My wife was my first everything also. No regrets here!

 

[invisiblebabe]

I waited until I was married for that, which I do believe is the ideal and what God wants us to do (I also believe God restores, for those who have not waited and have repented). However, I do not believe that having you and your spouse be each other's first everything is the only "right" or "best" way to do things. My husband was not my first love (or even my second, for that matter). I don't regret that. Without the people I knew in the past, I would not be who I am today, and thus I would not have been right for my husband.

That said, Browneyes84, you and your fiance share an amazing and sweet love story that you're blessed to have!

 

[dusky_tresses]

How do you make it through your teenage years without having a few firsts?

Well...I actually wasn't allowed to date at all. Granted I did have a couple of crushes in high school and did desire to date and be romantic with a guy, but I wasn't allowed to. Like I said before, I'm sure things would be different if I had been allowed too. That and guys thought I was ugly

 

[Rebekka]

Browneyes, don't worry too much about what others think. It's fine that you want to marry your first, and I don't think experience is "necessary". Don't confuse "normal" (literally - what is the norm, what is average) with "good". The fact that most people date around and don't marry their first love doesn't mean that it's bad NOT to date around.

I dated one guy very briefly and not very seriously (we didn't even kiss) before I met my husband, so my husband was my first everything-except-holding-hands ( ). I wasn't his first anything, except that I was his first fiancé and his first wife - and last, too.

Does it matter to me that I'm not his first? Yes, but by no means enough to have ever considered not marrying him. I would have preferred to be his first, but he is the one for me, and him having had previous serious relationships doesn't change that.

I'm romantic too, which is why it makes me feel good that no one but my husband has ever kissed me. And I'm jealous, so thinking of my husband's previous girlfriends makes me a bit nauseous. But I love him with all my heart, and jealousy is unhealthy - I'm trying to get rid of it. It's not like my husband tried to break a record to date as many people as possible - our experiences in life are just different, that's all. All people are different, and there's no "one size fits all".

I think what's most important is to marry the person that is right for you - it doesn't matter how many relationships you had or didn't have; when someone is the one, then that's it. And when people ask you "how do you know when it's your first"... well, you just know.

People can learn from their mistakes, but that doesn't mean that you have to make mistakes in order to learn something. Some people are lucky in their first attempt.

 

[bluebug83]

Browneyes, there is nothing wrong with marrying your first boyfriend. The important thing is knowing that who you have is what you really want, and that you're headed in the same direction in life. Some people need to date others to know that, some don't. And make sure you're not marrying your first just so you can say you married your first - do it because he's the right one. After knowing each other for 3 1/2 years, I'd say you're probably in the right place

I married my first boyfriend, as did my mom and her mom. And both my mother and grandmother had/have long, healthy, wonderful marriages (though my grandmother was widowed younger than she should have been). So you could say I had a little pressure to do follow in their footsteps, but independent of that I really didn't care much about dating lots of guys and did think it would be cool if I ended up marrying my first boyfriend. Actually, I was so non-flirtatious that when the mom of one of my friends found out I had a boyfriend, she told my friend "really...I was starting to wonder if she was straight!" But yes I definitely am

 

[Chan1976]

I dated one guy very briefly and not very seriously (we didn't even kiss) before I met my husband, so my husband was my first everything-except-holding-hands ( ).

LOL, it didn't occur to me until you mentioned it, Rebekka.. yup, it was everything except holding hands for me too.

 

[lin1235]

I think it's great that you had that purity before your relationship with your husband-to-be. Why should it be a GOOD thing to be able to compare your dh to other men? I don't get it. Your way, he will by definition be the best kisser, the most committed, the kindest etc. person you've ever been with. Next time your friends bring this up, ask "so what should I compare?" If he makes you happy, he makes you happy. Sure, it's possible that somewhere in the world there may be someone who could make you even happier, but do your friends really expect you to dump this person so that you can go through lots of heartbreak before you get married? It makes no sense!

 

[Evangelina]

When it comes to good things about them, relationships that don't work out are often:
- learning experiences
- a sign that someone has boundaries that they won't let someone cross

So, I guess that people who actually worry about you marrying your first are concerned that you might not have enough experience to know that this is really the right step, and/or that you will take the first relationship and make it permanent because you don't have any 'red flags' set.

From what I've seen of your posts over the years (oooh - sudden 'old' feeling), I doubt both of those... so *shrug* take it as honest concern, ask for more info on why people are worried, prayerfully consider what they say... and if it's truly dumb, chuck it.

PS. I married my first boyfriend and fiance... 10 or so years after breaking up and dating several other people.

PPS. Maybe not having sex is harder once you've had it. But it's still possible, and it's still useful.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

I married the first man I was ever serious about. I made a vow between myself and God that I would marry whomever he gave me first. So, God did not bring anyone along until last year...and we are happilymarried.

 

[Leanna]

My husband was my third boyfriend.... but one of those I only "dated" for a month just before him... I would have been fine with marrying my first had he been the right one.