Marrying young

[rainbowpromise]

I married at 17. It was a mistake, but I have always been of the firm belief that those vows are to be taken seriously.
By 20 I was miserable and stayed that way until 8 years ago. I tried to leave, but couldn't find any fault in him. so...
I was suicidal for a time. I was despondent for a time. I struggled with depression.

In hindsight, had I waited just two more years, I would have been better able to handle the emotional demands of being married. I certainly could handle a home and children because I had practically raised my brothers and looked after a household while my mother was getting an education and working. (I was actually 22 when I remember sitting on the back porch and thinking "I'm ready now")

Would I trade it though. No! But it would have been better.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

1. The escapism approach
2. "Wedding" fantasy
3. Not knowing yourself/your life goals/your personality

Even now, at 25, I realise how young I am - and it makes me shudder I seriously considered marriage at 19.

That was a great post. I agree completely.

Our society conditions young people to believe they need a partner to be a complete person. The media is obsessed with relationships. Combine this with peer pressure and raging hormones - no wonder young people crave a partner so strongly.

It would be so much better if teenagers could focus on enjoying their single life. Theres plenty of time to get married later into their 20s.

 

[livin4christ9203]

That was a great post. I agree completely.

Our society conditions young people to believe they need a partner to be a complete person. The media is obsessed with relationships. Combine this with peer pressure and raging hormones - no wonder young people crave a partner so strongly.

It would be so much better if teenagers could focus on enjoying their single life. Theres plenty of time to get married later into their 20s.

I don't think this is completely true.. I believe the age is different for all. Some are ready at younger ages. Some are not. There was a time when everyone got married at 18 and 19 (maybe earlier).. before women really started having careers of their own and more independence.. and I believe that lifestyle is ok for some.

I got married pretty young and it has been very rocky, but I still wouldn't change it all.

 

[Restoredsoul]

My husband is 21 we were together for nearly 3 years when we got married. Although we were pretty sure about marriage a year ago - he felt he was too young and to be honest he has matured so much in the last year that i am glad we gave it that extra time.

I went to uni and then did a post grad course so started working at 22 - i wanted to feel more settled before i got married.

At 25 i feel it was the right time for me - i felt in myself that i was mature enough to deal with the responsibilities etc... I'm not saying it's the same for everyone though.

I did really enjoy my early twenties and am glad that i had that time before marrying.

Rs xxx

 

[tigercub]

I don't think this is completely true.. I believe the age is different for all. Some are ready at younger ages. Some are not. There was a time when everyone got married at 18 and 19 (maybe earlier).. before women really started having careers of their own and more independence.. and I believe that lifestyle is ok for some.

I got married pretty young and it has been very rocky, but I still wouldn't change it all.

Very true - in fact in my country at least - women are getting married much later in life (also having kids later)

 

[Zoomer]

I was 20 when I married. I think that biggest issue was not finishing college but that had more to do with having children young then marrying young. I'd say another issue was not having money saved and neither one of us having a real career path. Now that we are in our mid to late twenties all of that is coming together, but it's been alot of work.

 

[lin1235]

I think one main issue for me when thinking about young marriage, is that sometimes it means a person gets married at a point where they have never had to shoulder a lot of responsibility. I definitely know that this would have been true for me if I had married at 18. I mean, I had responsibility in my parents' home, but I had never been responsible for balancing a budget, making sure bills get paid, having to sacrifice my own needs to ensure there is food on the table etc.

It's clear from this thread that many here who married young had, by that time, already had a lot of life experience, knew who they were and what they wanted and were ready to take on the responsibilities that come with marriage.

 

[HuntingMan]

Is there any couples in here that either are very young and married or married young? What kind of problems has this made, or did it make while you were young?

I'm sorry if I'm not allowed to post here, but I've always been very curious about this.

I personally dont think that most younger people are equipped to make a good decision about marriage.
I married at 20 and being a man overlooked all the warning signs that now, many years later, would send me running in the other direction.

This doesnt apply to all younger people though. My step daughter married about the same age and her and the husband are doing great.
But I think the odds are against a couple who marries too young, especially if theyve not known each other very long and havent had any marriage counciling.

my thoughts are these.

Dont marry before 21 regardless. Either sex.
Dont marry someone you havent known for at least 3 years (known well, not simply just knowing about them. I mean as good friends or dating)
Dont marry without a lot of premarital counciling. This will prepare you both for whats about to happen, this huge change in your life.

 

[YellowSapphire]

I personally dont think that most younger people are equipped to make a good decision about marriage.
I married at 20 and being a man overlooked all the warning signs that now, many years later, would send me running in the other direction.

This doesnt apply to all younger people though. My step daughter married about the same age and her and the husband are doing great.
But I think the odds are against a couple who marries too young, especially if theyve not known each other very long and havent had any marriage counciling.

my thoughts are these.

Dont marry before 21 regardless. Either sex.
Dont marry someone you havent known for at least 3 years (known well, not simply just knowing about them. I mean as good friends or dating)
Dont marry without a lot of premarital counciling. This will prepare you both for whats about to happen, this huge change in your life.

I'm going to second that premarital counciling because I really wish we had thought to sign up for some.

 

[Restoredsoul]

We had pre marriage councilling with a married couple from our church for about 16 weeks and it was so good - it really helped us to go through everything and talk through and think about things.

They are now looking after us pastorally - we willl have a 6 month check up etc... it makes such a huge difference.

Rs xxx

 

[wannaberichr]

I got married at 19 and my wife was 16. That was a huge, enormous, collossal mistake. Even though I was 19, I was far from grown up. I did it because I promised her I would. For 23 years, it was an existance. Yeah I loved her and she loved me, as much as we knew how to, but her ideas and mine were not alike and were never going to be. After about 5 years of struggling, I let lust lead me into another's arms. Yeah it was wrong, but that is my past and it is something I can't change. After 23 years together, she decided that she now had the right to cheat on me. That ended a marriage that shouldn't have been. Think very long and hard before making that committment. It is very hard on everyone if it doesn't work. Especially if children become involved.

 

[Marie D]

I was young when we married, on March 16th this year. I'd just turned 17 years and 8 months.

The only problem it caused us is that we had to apply to the court system of our country to get special permission to marry as the minimum age is normally 18. We could have lied and claimed I was pregnant but IMHO that's no way to start a marriage so we told the truth and with the support of our priest were successful .

 

[CrystalBrooke]

i was 17, 10 days shy of my 18th birthday...and it's been awesome thus far

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I was young when we married, on March 16th this year. I'd just turned 17 years and 8 months.

The only problem it caused us is that we had to apply to the court system of our country to get special permission to marry as the minimum age is normally 18. We could have lied and claimed I was pregnant but IMHO that's no way to start a marriage so we told the truth and with the support of our priest were successful .

i was pregnant and my mom still had to sign with me, otherwise the judge wanted Ben and I to get a lawyer and he needed some sort of paper work...so we just had my mom sign instead.

 

[SarcasmDispenser]

i was pregnant and my mom still had to sign with me, otherwise the judge wanted Ben and I to get a lawyer and he needed some sort of paper work...so we just had my mom sign instead.

I think she lives in Ireland. Out of curiosity (if you don't mind me asking), how old was your husband? Do you guys live on your own now?

 

[CrystalBrooke]

he was 20, 11 days shy of his 21st b-day..and yes we live on our own, we have been since the night we were married....i didnt pay any attention to where she was from

 

[livin4christ9203]

Very true - in fact in my country at least - women are getting married much later in life (also having kids later)

I've kind of observed this too. I see it even in here more. It does seem like more people are getting married and having childrend older, I th ink because of the increase in women working and having their own careers... which is fine for women who believe that way. But, I am comfortable and happy with my place being at home, taking care of the house and my husband and children when we have them.

 

[livin4christ9203]

I was 20 when I married. I think that biggest issue was not finishing college but that had more to do with having children young then marrying young. I'd say another issue was not having money saved and neither one of us having a real career path. Now that we are in our mid to late twenties all of that is coming together, but it's been alot of work.

I agree with this too... I think that the problem isn't as much age as it is rushing into marriage. I mean, my husband and I were together nearly 3 years when we got married.. even though I was 19 and he was 20 when we got married. I just believe people mature at different ages, every man and woman is not the same. Some are ready in every way at 18 or 19 to get married, some are not.... Some rush, and get into it way too soon, but once again, that has nothing to do with age. YOu can be any age and rush into marriage and not think it through like you should or not make a wise decision. I've known lots of people who married young and have had the best marriages and people who married in their late 20s and early 30s who haven't been able to make it work at all.

But I think the odds are against a couple who marries too young, especially if theyve not known each other very long and havent had any marriage counciling.

I agree with the counseling. But this is where I think it's more about how well you know each other and how long you've been together and not rushing than it is about age

my thoughts are these.

Dont marry before 21 regardless. Either sex.
Dont marry someone you havent known for at least 3 years (known well, not simply just knowing about them. I mean as good friends or dating)
Dont marry without a lot of premarital counciling. This will prepare you both for whats about to happen, this huge change in your life

I think 3 years is a long time. It's good to know someone well. But I've known lots of great relationships that came together in less than that. The 21 thing is silly to me because every person is different. I think people rush into things because they love that gushy feeling that doesn't last cause it isn't the real description of love. Real love is an action not a feeling. I think couples need to experience real love before rushing into marriage. If you can go through a spat or disagreement, not be happy with them.. may not "feel" "in love", but can still know deep inside that you love them and can get through it, then you know it's real. If as soon as that lovey dovey feeling is gone you think it's over and you always run, your never gonna have a lasting relationship. Love is just so much more than that. I do think counseling is awesome.. we didn't get much before.. but we did get counseling after we got married.. I recommend getting it before, but if you are already married and struggling.. it's not too late! Talk to your pastor.. if he wont' do it, he can probably recommend someone.

My husband and I have had a lot of struggles, but today is our 4 year wedding anniversary and we have made it. We know what real love is and we have made it through it all!

 

[Jennie726]

I was 18 when we got married and my hubby was 20. My husband was maturely ready for marriage. He has always been very mature. I however, still had some growing up to do. I don't regret getting married at 18 at all, but I do regret not being more mature when we did get married.

 

[Inperfected]

As I said earlier, we'll both be 20 when we get married.

Dont marry someone you havent known for at least 3 years (known well, not simply just knowing about them. I mean as good friends or dating)
Dont marry without a lot of premarital counciling. This will prepare you both for whats about to happen, this huge change in your life.

However I have a bone to pick with this... what about if you've known them for 4 years extremely well (i.e. best friends that long), and had a lot of premarital counselling? what then? Wait until you are over 21? that would mean we'd engaged over 2 years in which case i think is somewhat legalistic.

The thing isn't so much age, trust me. Some days I think "what are you doing? getting married? This young?" because realistically, I would have loved to have already purchased a house, and finished studying etc. However, love has come first and within 4 years, I will have done all that and I will also have my husband there to say he's done it with me. Age isn't the determining factor because as you see on here, people marry young and they get through it well... survive, or live happily, it's really not determined by the age.