Marrying young

[seamonster]

I was 18 and DH was 22 when we got married. He had (still has) a good job that enabled me to just work part time and we have a lot of financial freedom. I've only been married a year but obviously I still think I made a great decision. I get to spend the rest of my life with this amazing man. I'm so glad I didn't wait until I was almost 30 to marry him because my life would have been so different without him. I know many people don't meet "the one" until they're older, but I'm glad I met DH when I was young and we can grow old together. We also get to have our kids young and grow up with them

 

[heatherq17]

I got married at 19 and we have been just fine. Great, in fact! I don't think that age is the key factor of whether or not the marriage will last, as some people make it out to be. I think it depends more on whether or not you know each other well enough and that you are compatible and there has to be love on both sides. I'm not saying that any marriage is ever perfect, but just because some people get married younger doesn't mean that their marriage will fail as a result. There are people who married in their 30's and some in their 40's, who can't make their marriage work, so what about them?

 

[tigercub]

Met at 16, engaged at 17, married at 18. Will have been married 2 years next March. We are TTC now.

I have always been a bit ahea dof my peers maturityw-ise though. I say this not beause I am full of myself It is simply the truth - multiple events in my life forced me to grow up quickly, and I rarely socialise with people my own age (hubby is a fair bit older) There are good and bad things about that I suppose - but I have no regrets

 

[megg]

I was 23, does that count as marrying young?
We had already lived together for 5 years(neither of us knew the Lord when we married),so nothing really changed. We had hard times as all marriages do, but nothing that I would attribute to age.

 

[Million Pieces]

I was 19, 6 weeks before my 20th b'day, dh was 21. We also had 5 childfree yeas for which I'm grateful because I would have been a miserable mother at 20. The regrets I have are that I never got to go to college, develop a career, we never bought a house of our own when we had chances to do it, etc. etc. However, I think that in our case it was because of a lack of direction/guidance and discipline.

I know and have told dh that if I had it to over again, I would NOT marry again that young. Granted some 19 year olds show tremendous maturity, most don't. I wouldnt as a general statement recomment marriage before at LEAST 22.

 

[oliveplants]

I was 18 when I married. (DH was 28)
I'd reccomend people be ready to marry at a young age, even if it doesn't happen. Meaning it is a parent's responsibility to raise children to be adults, and a child's responsiblity to grow up and BE an adult.

My youth had no negative impact on the marriage.

 

[sioleabha]

I'd reccomend people be ready to marry at a young age, even if it doesn't happen. Meaning it is a parent's responsibility to raise children to be adults, and a child's responsiblity to grow up and BE an adult.

I would agree with that. I don't think a 16-17-18 year old's main focus should be themselves and "fun" as it is for so many. An older teenaged girl should know how to run the house, be able to take over if mom gets sick or has something she has to do. Even if there are still small children in the house, too.

If you are going to college, it shouldn't be to party and have a good time. It should be in earnest preperation for a career. Even in high school one should know what one's plans are and be getting ready.

Not to say you can't have fun, too. But far too much time is wasted in our society on "being young" as though the purpose of being young weren't to prepare for the rest of one's life.

 

[Robinsegg]

I agree with the above. When I was nearly 17, my mom got sick and I ran the household through my entire Christmas vacation. I had an 11yo sister, a 6yo brother and my dad had to work. I cleaned, cooked, cared for the youngers, and even made my dad's lunch for work. I learned a lot in that 2 weeks.

Rachel

 

[Inperfected]

Um... There are things before marriage that can be a problem however.

Firstly, you don't always know your own heart until it's too late, or close enough. Secondly, the issues you have to face can be tremendous. Studying on one income with already a student loan, can be can toll the relationship.

I'm not married, I realise, but I am at the stage where I have to learn all this, approximately 2 months before my 'maybe' wedding date. That will be decided tonight.

 

[sioleabha]

Um... There are things before marriage that can be a problem however.

Firstly, you don't always know your own heart until it's too late, or close enough. Secondly, the issues you have to face can be tremendous. Studying on one income with already a student loan, can be can toll the relationship.

I'm not married, I realise, but I am at the stage where I have to learn all this, approximately 2 months before my 'maybe' wedding date. That will be decided tonight.

But if you were single and lived on your own you'd be studying on one income with a student loan.

 

[TheAJKMan]

Mmmm, amost interesting conumdrum we have here. I feel that people wanting to get married should know themselves first. Their likes/dislikes and other things like expectations of partner, of marriage etc etc. They should get to know their potential partner well and be in constant contact with GOd first and foremost. I know that it wasn't right for me to be married till the time I did get married. I was just over 34yrs old when I go married. We've had our ups and downs like any other marriage. BUt we communicate with each other, we talk, joke and be open and honest with each other in all things. I've grown to love this woman I Call wife tremendously in our 8yrs together, 7 of those being married.

TheAJKMAn

 

[Febe]

I was 22 when I married; far too young, I think now...

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I've just gotten married, however I have been engaged before - at 19, to a 27-year-old man.

There are SOME concerns I have with younger marriages, both from my own experience, and from observing young people around me get married.

1. The escapism approach - I can't tell you how many young people (moreso than those slightly older), have the opinion that 'once I'm married, all these problems will magically resolve themselves'. I've heard that kind of approach in regards to sex, family issues, money issues, all sorts of things. I used it myself. This is SUCH a dangerous mindset to have - the idea that marriage/partner will 'save' you from a situation. It is MUCH better to resolve this kind of thing BEFORE you marry/get seriously involved with someone - rather than just rely on marriage or a partner to 'fix' it. I know - I lived this one (fortunately got myself out of the situation before it turned into marriage). You might THINK marriage or a guy/girl will help resolve those problems - usually it has a habit of creeping up on you in marriage, due to learned behaviours. Learn self-control NOW; learn wise money management NOW; learn healthy family relationships NOW - before the wedding.

2. "Wedding" fantasy - so many young girls, especially, seem caught up in the 'getting married to my perfect prince and riding off into the sunset' - and often fall flat on their face when they realise marriage is not all 'butterflies and fairy floss'. Marriage IS hard work - it's a continual exercise. Yes, there is a HECK of a lot of fun to be had in marriage, but it's also pretty gruelling sometimes. If you are someone who has a history of dropping things when it 'all gets too hard' - then I would seriously advise delaying the wedding, until diligence and determination becomes part of your everyday existence.

3. Not knowing yourself/your life goals/your personality - again something I struggled with. Admittedly, a lot of my issues in my last engagement stem from our ages - a 19 year old girl is a LOT different to a 27 year old guy (most of the time)!!! At that point, most of my 'life goals' were shaped, simply because of his age, and his career plans (due to being older). This may not necessarily be a bad thing for everyone, and some 19 year old girls may be strong enough to keep shaping themselves independantly of a partner's goals/desires - but it was for me. I barely even knew who I was when I first started the relationship - and before I knew it, I was very much 'moulded' (as much by myself as by him) by his plans, goals and dreams. It took up until 3 months before the wedding for me to realise that what I was 'trying' to be was someone I never was going to be, or be happy being.

Even now, at 25, I realise how young I am - and it makes me shudder I seriously considered marriage at 19. I can say with all honesty, had I got married at that point, I would either be a shadow of the woman I am now trying to stick with a very unhealthy marriage - or I'd be divorced.

I realise my experiences above do not define EVERY young marriage - but having experienced it myself, and seen others around me do it too many times to count - it is why I hope to encourage my children to wait until they are around 24-25 before starting to think seriously about marriage.

Sasch

 

[Leanna]

Well, I did a spot more thinking on this and changed my mind. It wasn't our age that caused the troubles because I see the same troubles in a lot of older marriages, and really marrying at 19 had a lot of advantages. I wouldn't encourage my children to settle, but if they found someone at 18 or 19 I would support it.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Like Sascha, I was engaged at 19 as well... to someone my own age, with a wedding date a couple years in the future... but engagement nonetheless.

I ended up engaged again at 20, and he's a bit over a year older than I am and a MUCH better match for me in personality than ex fiance was. We married when I was 21 and he was almost 23.

Regarding shaping oneself... I had little to no real ties with community, even within my own family. I find it very difficult to believe that I could've shaped myself without ties to others... and being married has aided greatly in my social development. (I am not saying at all that my situation was the ideal, but I can't help it that I lacked certain things that were beyond my control...) Sascha is right though, in that pretending to be someone you aren't is NOT the way to go about shaping yourself. I ended up choosing being alone for a time, rather than ending up with someone who was wrong for me.

 

[robalan]

I've just gotten married, however I have been engaged before - at 19, to a 27-year-old man.

There are SOME concerns I have with younger marriages, both from my own experience, and from observing young people around me get married.

1. The escapism approach - I can't tell you how many young people (moreso than those slightly older), have the opinion that 'once I'm married, all these problems will magically resolve themselves'. I've heard that kind of approach in regards to sex, family issues, money issues, all sorts of things. I used it myself. This is SUCH a dangerous mindset to have - the idea that marriage/partner will 'save' you from a situation. It is MUCH better to resolve this kind of thing BEFORE you marry/get seriously involved with someone - rather than just rely on marriage or a partner to 'fix' it. I know - I lived this one (fortunately got myself out of the situation before it turned into marriage). You might THINK marriage or a guy/girl will help resolve those problems - usually it has a habit of creeping up on you in marriage, due to learned behaviours. Learn self-control NOW; learn wise money management NOW; learn healthy family relationships NOW - before the wedding.

2. "Wedding" fantasy - so many young girls, especially, seem caught up in the 'getting married to my perfect prince and riding off into the sunset' - and often fall flat on their face when they realise marriage is not all 'butterflies and fairy floss'. Marriage IS hard work - it's a continual exercise. Yes, there is a HECK of a lot of fun to be had in marriage, but it's also pretty gruelling sometimes. If you are someone who has a history of dropping things when it 'all gets too hard' - then I would seriously advise delaying the wedding, until diligence and determination becomes part of your everyday existence.

3. Not knowing yourself/your life goals/your personality - again something I struggled with. Admittedly, a lot of my issues in my last engagement stem from our ages - a 19 year old girl is a LOT different to a 27 year old guy (most of the time)!!! At that point, most of my 'life goals' were shaped, simply because of his age, and his career plans (due to being older). This may not necessarily be a bad thing for everyone, and some 19 year old girls may be strong enough to keep shaping themselves independantly of a partner's goals/desires - but it was for me. I barely even knew who I was when I first started the relationship - and before I knew it, I was very much 'moulded' (as much by myself as by him) by his plans, goals and dreams. It took up until 3 months before the wedding for me to realise that what I was 'trying' to be was someone I never was going to be, or be happy being.

Even now, at 25, I realise how young I am - and it makes me shudder I seriously considered marriage at 19. I can say with all honesty, had I got married at that point, I would either be a shadow of the woman I am now trying to stick with a very unhealthy marriage - or I'd be divorced.

I realise my experiences above do not define EVERY young marriage - but having experienced it myself, and seen others around me do it too many times to count - it is why I hope to encourage my children to wait until they are around 24-25 before starting to think seriously about marriage.

Sasch

Sasch, that is one of the most insightful posts I have read. Thank you for sharing.

 

[seamonster]

Another thing I think that is important to consider is how important children are to you and how soon you want to start your family. If you want a few childless years with your spouse it may be better to get married young. I have too many relatives that got married at 28, 29, and 30 and then found out that they either couldn't get pregnant or had to get on fertility drugs to get pregnant. I'm not saying that everyone who gets married later is going to have problems, but children are a concerning factor in later marriages and is another reason we chose to marry young.

 

[Linnis]

I got married at 19, I've never once regretted getting married.

I think a couple factors made me different than most people my age, which is why at 22, I still don't feel like I belong with people my age.

The first time I left my parents home I was 13, I had to have a job since then to buy things from pads to food. When I married I was already on my own, knew how to pay bills, worked 3 part-time jobs, work and go to school etc. I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me, I could already do that myself.

I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids, take care of my husband and kids, have a garden...I didn't want the go to college, have a career, get married, stop career to have a kid, ship kid to daycare to return to work which was being presented as what I was "supposed" to do. I can't believe how many times I've been told I'm throwing my life away because I believe an education and a career can wait until after my kids are older.

When I was 18 and met my DH, I was actually more mature than he was, even if I was six years younger than him. He didn't have long term goals etc. He'd never held a lease on his own apartment before so it's always seemed like we're more the same age. Age has never been an issue.

I've seen family and friends, marry young and are very happy, I've seen others go the other route and work on careers and get married in their late 20s early 30s and are happy. I've also seen marriages fail but I think what I realized is that marriages that failed would have failed regardless.

I'm not saying marrying young is for everyone but it is the right choice for some.

 

[KillerV]

I was married at 19. I could not be happeir! No regrets whatsoever!

 

[HDoggie19]

I married at 22, my husband 23. I don't regret marrying him at all. I do regret marrying so young though. I was very immature and had the escapism mentality. Came from a rough childhood and just wanted to "start my life over" by getting married.
We struggled a couple years, but the commitment was there and very strong. We have come through the other side of many problems and we are stronger for it. I just wish I would have finished college and lived on my own for awhile, so I would know what it felt like to be an adult.
I have done most of my "growing up" in my marriage. It's harder that way, and I'm just so grateful for my very patient and loving husband.