Marrying someone you are not attracted to at all

[DZoolander]

Well I think you guys are getting your issues muddled. Generally when someone talks about someone they're not attracted to - it doesn't mean that they don't think they're beautiful (after all most people aren't magazine cover models) - but rather that's a nice way of saying "I find them ugly"

...so that's far different than just having a bad hair day...lol

 

[kristina411]

Well I think you guys are getting your issues muddled. Generally when someone talks about someone they're not attracted to - it doesn't mean that they don't think they're beautiful (after all most people aren't magazine cover models) - but rather that's a nice way of saying "I find them ugly"

...so that's far different than just having a bad hair day...lol

Agreed. But the point is, we are not always automatically attracted even to the attractive but marriages still flourish. The point is to find attraction in parts that are not just physical, and not just the face. When we are 90, if we all live that long, will we be attractive? Nope. But I highly doubt the passion will be gone because we find passion with each other, not with our bodies but with our spirits.

 

[DZoolander]

...and that's all fine and good/true.

But once again, I think fair distinctions need to be made between simply "not being beautiful" and being the type of person where you'd rather skinny dip with piranha over seeing them naked. You're doing yourself no favors if you talk about "looking beyond beauty" when it's the latter - because it's just gonna haunt you.

There's no sin in saying to yourself "I'm just not attracted to them at all - let's be friends".

 

[kristina411]

...and that's all fine and good/true.

But once again, I think fair distinctions need to be made between simply "not being beautiful" and being the type of person where you'd rather skinny dip with piranha over seeing them naked. You're doing yourself no favors if you talk about "looking beyond beauty" when it's the latter - because it's just gonna haunt you.

There's no sin in saying to yourself "I'm just not attracted to them at all - let's be friends".

That could be true for some I guess. If they are physically stimulated. But when I say I dated two unattractive people, I mean unattractive. As in one of them could have been a Marilyn Manson double (minus the makeup), and the other was a guy who was 5'9 and barely 100lbs, with horrible acne scars and a rather large nose. (These dont necessarily mean a person is unattractive but this guy was, he ended up being the biggest jerk of all)

Unfortunately at the time I only saw room for intellectual attraction and didn't search for spiritual attraction as well. For this reason I dated quite a bit of jerks but with my husband I have intellectual, spiritual, and physical at last.

But I do know I am not like most with the way I view attraction. Never has anything physical ever caused me to be interested in anyone. That's how its easy for me to not lust, it has been very little issue for me because I have to build a relationship with someone before any attraction occurs.

 

[Dave-W]

Your old church sounds like it was quite the party lol

Yeah - they had their reasons. They wanted no interaction between males and females period. Not that easy when the congregation was 90% college age kids.

Dating was prohibited. Courtship and engagement had to be approved by the elders and was closely monitored. But it was an EXTREME over-reaction to an incident involving an "evangelist" that came to our congregation from the Children of God cult.

 

[DZoolander]

Never heard of the COG people before now - but after a quick wikipedia search - wow. lol I can only imagine.

How they'd make the leap from that and trying to prevent it from happening again (which they probably should've known about ahead of time anyhow....since it sounds like their Flirty Fishing method wasn't exactly a secret) to the kinds of steps you're talking about though is pretty bizarre though...IMHO.

 

[kristina411]

Do they really "share" spouses? Or is that an old tradition like Mormons say multiple marriages is?

 

[Avniel]

Yeah - they had their reasons. They wanted no interaction between males and females period. Not that easy when the congregation was 90% college age kids.

Dating was prohibited. Courtship and engagement had to be approved by the elders and was closely monitored. But it was an EXTREME over-reaction to an incident involving an "evangelist" that came to our congregation from the Children of God cult.

I know a lot of COG people it's big in Jamaica most of them have children outside of marriage I don't know if that came from COG

 

[RedPonyDriver]

My husband is probably MUCH better looking than I am. I'm a rather ordinary looking Latina who, by now, is carrying about 30 extra pounds. When we met and married, I was thinner, but looked the same. However, he thinks I am beautiful and I'm perfectly fine with that. When I noticed he was getting interested in me, I wondered why he would be interested in a short, sort of chunky Latina with a big mouth. Turns out he thinks that my brains are hot, my attitude is hot and that I'm pretty darn hot physically too.

He's tall, slender and can eat anything that's not moving and never gain an ounce. I look at the ice cream and put on 5 lbs. I'm short, chunky, ordinary...

I didn't pursue him, he pursued me.

 

[pittsflyer]

I think part of it is an individual could have had a rash of bad luck finding partners that were good looking but had other major deal breakers.

I remember reading a craigslist ad a LONG time ago of a woman who posted a dating/venting ad. She would meet these cute guys and spend months getting to know them and then when they got in bed these guys would not do what she wanted them to do. She was tired of going through the "getting to know you stage" only to find out they were flakes in bed. Unfortunatly coming right out and asking a potential partner what they like in bed is not socially accptable, espeically if the person in question has good looks (unless you get triple lucky and they happen to get good looking and into the same kink as you).

But sometimes it becomes apparent after crashing and burning for so long that you have to tweak some standard or come to accept being alone or living without something else in the relationship.

People who grew up with good looks always getting that wink and smile or getting hit on or as a guy very rarely being rejected can afford to not waiver on their other proclivities and still get action.

Thats why I suggested plastic surgery because if you want to have it all you need to be it all.

My husband is probably MUCH better looking than I am. I'm a rather ordinary looking Latina who, by now, is carrying about 30 extra pounds. When we met and married, I was thinner, but looked the same. However, he thinks I am beautiful and I'm perfectly fine with that. When I noticed he was getting interested in me, I wondered why he would be interested in a short, sort of chunky Latina with a big mouth. Turns out he thinks that my brains are hot, my attitude is hot and that I'm pretty darn hot physically too.

He's tall, slender and can eat anything that's not moving and never gain an ounce. I look at the ice cream and put on 5 lbs. I'm short, chunky, ordinary...

I didn't pursue him, he pursued me.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Oh....and although I consider myself ordinary looking, prior to meeting my husband, I never lacked for male companionship. I had a couple of long-term relationships and a few short-term ones.

If I remember correctly pittsflyer, you're hung up on the idea that only good looking guys with fat bank accounts can get a woman. Not true.

 

[pittsflyer]

I was for about a day but im past that now, I should know better since I have never been without the company for a woman since I was like 22. BUT the key is knowing where you stand with the opposite sex and what you can reasonably get.

Oh....and although I consider myself ordinary looking, prior to meeting my husband, I never lacked for male companionship. I had a couple of long-term relationships and a few short-term ones.

If I remember correctly pittsflyer, you're hung up on the idea that only good looking guys with fat bank accounts can get a woman. Not true.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I was for about a day but im past that now, I should know better since I have never been without the company for a woman since I was like 22. BUT the key is knowing where you stand with the opposite sex and what you can reasonably get.

You sound like you're buying a car...

 

[pittsflyer]

It kind of is though, except money is potentially only one part, for any given guys looks, personality or compeititon (too many other quality guys in the area) he will be able to get a certian type of woman. It may not be the woman he wants but its what he can get. When the quality of woman that a guy can get starts to degrade too far then the guy better look into radical changes like moving a really long ways away, get plastic surgery or loose a bunch of weight build muscle etc.

For me when I was younger I tried doing the working out tons thing, shifted my personality all over the place and lived in various states. I found that no matter what I did (short of plastic surgery) I was able to get a certian type of woman.

That is why I have come to the conclusion that women are just as shallow as men if not more so when it comes to facial attractivness. Men will take what they can get as long as they are getting what they want in bed as often as they want.

You sound like you're buying a car...

 

[RedPonyDriver]

That's funny...my husband is tall and slender, some may say skinny...however, it's what shines through him that keeps me with him. He, now that he has finally really come to Christ, is someone I can't imagine living without.

He is what and who he is and as time goes on, as he goes deeper and deeper into his relationship with the Lord, he just keeps getting more and more attractive to me. Neither one of us is "young" anymore but the more he keeps growing in Christ, the more I am so unbelievably thankful that the Lord brought us together. We both take very seriously that vow, "until death do us part". It has NOTHING to do with looks, it has NOTHING to do with the size of the bank account, it has NOTHING to do with any outward measure. It has EVERYTHING to do with finding the one who is literally the other half of me.

Until and unless folks start understanding that, there's going to be a mess of really unhappy folks. Looks don't mean anything, bank account doesn't mean anything. It has everything to do with finding the one that the Lord had for you from the beginning of time.

 

[pittsflyer]

I believe you

That's funny...my husband is tall and slender, some may say skinny...however, it's what shines through him that keeps me with him. He, now that he has finally really come to Christ, is someone I can't imagine living without.

He is what and who he is and as time goes on, as he goes deeper and deeper into his relationship with the Lord, he just keeps getting more and more attractive to me. Neither one of us is "young" anymore but the more he keeps growing in Christ, the more I am so unbelievably thankful that the Lord brought us together. We both take very seriously that vow, "until death do us part". It has NOTHING to do with looks, it has NOTHING to do with the size of the bank account, it has NOTHING to do with any outward measure. It has EVERYTHING to do with finding the one who is literally the other half of me.

Until and unless folks start understanding that, there's going to be a mess of really unhappy folks. Looks don't mean anything, bank account doesn't mean anything. It has everything to do with finding the one that the Lord had for you from the beginning of time.

 

[Dave-W]

an EXTREME over-reaction to an incident involving an "evangelist" that came to our congregation from the Children of God cult.

I know a lot of COG people it's big in Jamaica most of them have children outside of marriage I don't know if that came from COG

I do not know about Jamaica, but in the 1970s US, a popular way of evangelizing to the Children of God cult (CoG) was for some really cute girl go to a bar and pick up a guy and take him back to her place. While they were in the middle of having sex, she would "witness" to him and try to get him to join the cult. That method brought in a lot of people.

When the Kahotek comet came, most of the CoG moved to Australia to avoid the coming destruction of the US and Europe. But many stayed behind including the evangelist who joined our congregation and used the same method to get guys to come to our church.

That did not sit well with the elders.

Moses David, the cult leader, seemed to be obsessed with sex (his pamphlet about the approaching comet was borderline pornographic) and seemed to want all his members to be equally obsessed. He had people live in houses with 6-8 couples together and the women had to be in the house with very revealing clothing (or nude) in front of the rest of the house. Sex acts in front of every one was common and encouraged. It did not have to be limited to only your spouse.

My brother in law and his wife were in one of those houses for a while. (how I know about what went on) So a lot of kids outside marriage is not surprizing.

 

[Avniel]

I do not know about Jamaica, but in the 1970s US, a popular way of evangelizing to the Children of God cult (CoG) was for some really cute girl go to a bar and pick up a guy and take him back to her place. While they were in the middle of having sex, she would "witness" to him and try to get him to join the cult. That method brought in a lot of people.

When the Kahotek comet came, most of the CoG moved to Australia to avoid the coming destruction of the US and Europe. But many stayed behind including the evangelist who joined our congregation and used the same method to get guys to come to our church.

That did not sit well with the elders.

Moses David, the cult leader, seemed to be obsessed with sex (his pamphlet about the approaching comet was borderline pornographic) and seemed to want all his members to be equally obsessed. He had people live in houses with 6-8 couples together and the women had to be in the house with very revealing clothing (or nude) in front of the rest of the house. Sex acts in front of every one was common and encouraged. It did not have to be limited to only your spouse.

My brother in law and his wife were in one of those houses for a while. (how I know about what went on) So a lot of kids outside marriage is not surprizing.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_God_(Cleveland,_Tennessee)

 

[Dave-W]

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_God_(Cleveland,_Tennessee)

NOT "Church of God;" but rather the cult group "Children of God". (later renamed "The Family International" or TFI for short)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Children_of_God_(Cult)

TFI initially spread a message of salvation, apocalypticism, and spiritual "revolution" against the outside world, which the members called "the System". In 1976, it began a method of evangelism called Flirty Fishing, using sex to "show God's love" and win converts, resulting in controversy. TFI's founder and prophetic leader, David Berg (who was first called "Moses David" in the Texas press), took the titles of "King", "The Last Endtime Prophet", "Moses", and "David".