married young?

[snowflake04]

Hi I was married at 18, ive been married just about a year, and im having a lot of fears about missing out on things and just being tied down. Ive had serious feelings of bondage and ive just been upset. I actually feel like im losing my sanity altogether. I feel awful because i know it hasnt been easy on the marriage, im just wondering if anyone else has had these feelings even if you werent married young, and how did you deal with them? Also if your older now and have been married a long time do you have any regrets or resentment about being married too young or being married period? I already have some feelings of resentment (which are selfish feelings i know) but im scared of them growing.. ive prayed about it and i just really need to find some way toget control over the way im feeling.

 

[Ari5]

Well snowflake, I was married at 19 & will be married 16 years this month. I have felt that way, but not until much later like around year 14.

I think everyone feels that way at some point, if you are married young or not. What I would say is to focus on what you have & not on what you don't have. It is very easy for satan to get you in a place where he makes you feel discontent with where you are in life & he blinds you with his lies. Oh, if only I could do this or have that....... But face it , there will always be things out there we want to change, but don't let satan get you in that trap.

Put your effort in to the man you have & don't look back. Make your marriage into the kind of marriage you want, but you have to put the effort into it. Happiness just doesn't come along, it takes work. If you want to go out, why not go somewhere with your husband?? Have fun with him!! He is your partner , your friend, find things you can have fun doing together!! Ari

 

[IKTCA]

When I was a child, I only received love from my parents. When I got older, I got attracted to a woman, and married her. Children arrived, and I worked hard to support my family. 30 years passed. Children are gone, and my youth is gone. What have I accomplished?

Then Jesus enters my life. All of a sudden, my meaningless life comes alive: I learned love. When I was single, I only loved myself. When I got married, I started to love someone other than myself for the first time. When children arrived, I started to love them, too. Soon I realized that I could love them more than I loved myself. After children left, I started to love the prison inmates who come to my prison Bible study.

Through the years of my life, the number of people I loved continued to increase. And now I am greatly rejoiced because of the 30+ prisoner brothers. I find one principle in the Lord: the more I love others, the more joyous my spirit becomes, and the closer I unite with the Lord. And marriage was my first practice field to love others.

Your marriage is your training ground to love others. You may feel that you are missing "what's out there." But it is the learning process to give up yourself and love others more than yourself. I honestly don't think you are missing anything, for you entered God's training field. You entered the training field a little earlier than many others. And you will be ahead of others in loving others, and obeying the Lord. Who will regret this?

Rupert

 

[Bambi979]

I was married at 17. I've been married 10 years and I never felt trapped because I like being married. I really never wanted to go out and party- I was craving something more stable. But my H did feel like he had to father me a little and that I did not like. Sometimes I feel like I should have waited and married someone my own age although H is only 7 years older than I. Maybe H wouldn't feel the need to father me if I had been his age or vice versa.

 

[TCat]

I married at 19, DH was 23, we immediately moved to another state and had only each other to rely on for companionship. It was hard at times but we loved each other and were determined to make it work.

We traveled, went camping, rode our motorcycle all over the state. We set goals and worked together to meet them. We became one anothers best friends and rejoiced in the fact that we had one another to share our lives with.

We also developed friendships with other young married couples and fellowshipped with them more frequently than our single friends, sometimes the singles grass looks greener from a married perspective, but that is not always true.

The thing is that we made a promise before God to make our marriage work so looking around at what we might have missed only brings resentment and anger into our hearts and dishonors our vows.

We have been married 20 years now, sure we struggle and have gone through valleys of pain and mountain tops of joy but thankfully we have done it together.

I can also tell you that my single friends, who are now in their mid 30's to 40's often tell me they envy the fact that I am married and hate going home to an empty house and pray they had someone to lean on and love.

It might help to think about what you think you are missing by being married rather than single? Are you missing dating? flirting? partying? What needs does your husband not supply and what needs of his are you missing in your frustrated state? A great couple of books that all married people should read are

Love and Respect
The 5 languages of Love
His Needs, Her Needs

It might help to talk to your pastor or maybe find an older female mentor in your church. That is the job of older married women you know, to nurture young wives and let them vent and encourage them in their lives.

Marriage is tough, but we can make it tougher when we start feeling resentment and anger and start looking at want we are missing rather than what we are blessed with.

Hang in there,
TCat

 

[Chosen7Stone]

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[catlover]

Hey Snowflake04,

Like my title says, I was married in April 2004 when I was 19 years old and now I'm 22 years old. We just celebrated our three-year anniversary on April 4th, and I'll be 23 this September. My husband, Jonathan, is going to be 27 in November.

We're going to be seeing a marriage counselor on May 8th, but not because our marriage is "on the rocks" or because we're not making it. We're looking for professional advice, basically. Jonathan and I are both stubborn and argumentative individuals -- we just want to learn how to "fight fair." That's about it.

I don't regret getting married young. I love Jonathan, and I love my life. I didn't miss out on anything, because the lives of my peers are nothing to envy. I look around Tallahassee, home of the Florida State Seminoles and the college students therein, and I see unwanted pregnancies resulting in abortion, I see staggering home at 3am to a crappy student apartment only to walk in on your roommate making it with your ex-boyfriend, I see so many alcohol-related deaths that the local and campus newspapers don't even bother reporting them anymore. By the way, we're not even the #1 party school anymore, and have fell from that "lofty title" back in 2003.

What am I missing out on?

• Independence? From what? My husband is not my slave-driver. And I am independent from my parents, and free from the bondage of the flesh. I am independent.
• Am I missing out on going to school? No. I graduate this month with my B.S. in Child Psychology, and Jonathan is going to be going back to college in the Fall.
• Focusing on a good career? I'm self-employed with a profitable business, fashioned by my own two hands, the encouragement of my lover, and answered prayers. We're both business owners, actually (I own a babysitting agency, and he's a faux painting artist).
• We're homeowners, but not because we came from wealthy families -- because we worked hard and sacrificed together as a team to make it happen.
• I'm going to be a mother in two years, and am so happy.

Don't become a statistic. You are not of the world, and do not conform with it's ways. The world will tell you that you should have gone out and experienced life before you "settled down" and got married.

I say grab your husband's hand and do it together. Not everyone in our peer group has a best friend like you'll find in your lover. To be frank, my "best friend" when I was 16, before I met Jesus or Jonathan, broke a promise to stay with me at a party and I was raped. There is nothing out there for you that is more desirable.

However, just because you are married doesn't mean you need to be isolated or feel alone or removed from all else. You can still go to youth/college ministries, have girls' nights with your friends, and even take weekend trips. Go to school if you want to and aren't already.

There are two things you DEFINITELY need to do, and I see by this post you're already on the right track:

1. Talk to other wives. This includes your mom, his mom, your pastor's wife, etc. Every and any woman willing to share insight, from all walks of lives. They don't necessarily have to share the experience of being married young.
2. Talk to your husband. He may be feeling the same way you do, and you both can find a solution together. Maybe you could look into marital counseling, which is not necessarily for people having serious issues, but also to nip potential problems in the bud before they get too serious. (That's exactly what Jonathan and I are doing.)

Keep praying, persevere, watch your words, and correct yourself when you realize you're being self-centered. This is a team effort, so talk openly with him. Read Ephesians 5.

The fact of the matter is, the younger a couple marries the more their chances increase of getting divorced. It is better to experience life, traveling, owning and being responsible for a car payment etc on one's own so one can develop and offer something to their spouse

 

[snowflake04]

thank you for all your replies, i will be going to see a councellor this week to deal with some of the issues i have been having. I think i have had a bit of a hard time dealing with a lot of these issues partially because everytime i talk to my family members including my mother, they shove the thought of divorce down my throat and basically feel that iw ould be much better off. They feel this marriage is absoloutly hopeless. I am in university, but that puts a huge toll financially on us. I know the easiest thing would be to "cut my losses" as catlover was saying but that simply isnt what God would want me to do. My guilt would be soo awful if i were to do that, i dont know that i can just leave someone so i can pursue the selfish life i never had. I guess the reason why its been so hard is because i feel like all ive done since i was 15 is work on our relationship. we fought like cats and dogs before and we still do except worse. I dont "feel" like ive ever been in love enough to rave about how great he is. That is what i wish i could do is just have nothign but good come into my mind about him. I also wish my fmily could learn to like him because they truly think he is a burden to me and to my life, which he has proven to be in many cases but he is trying hard now and i feel like i need to give this a chance. I sincerely think the reason for all the young marriages ending is because they give up because of stats before they even tried.

 

[Chosen7Stone]

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[catlover]

I'm graduating with my B.S. in Psychology this Friday, and am so familiar with American statistics surrounding marriage and family. But as Christians, Jonathan and I choose not to conform with the ways of the world (Romans 12:2). That means not succumbing to a lot of the things that others around us do, simply because they're easy, socially-acceptable, or whatever the reason.

As a psychology major you know Erik Erikson's eight stages of psychosocial development. Why marriages between young people fail is not so much the world it has more to do with development of a person and a development crisis.

 

[snowflake04]

interesting.. well thanks again for the replies

 

[Lilygirl3]

Hi Snowflake,
The first question I would ask is do you believe that God created your husband for you? Are you worried that you married too young and missed out on Mr. Right? Or is it just the freedom of not being in a difficult relationship? My husband and I married young and had a great marriage for many years. We have recently had some problems but I still feel that he is my husband forever so we have to work through these problems. I am worried that all you are hearing from your family is divorce. Unless you are being abused I would think the divorce will make you more miserable than you are right now. My best advice would be to read the book Created to be his Helpmeet. It is a great book and help me see many things in myself that I needed to change and as a result I am much more content and happy.

 

[Chosen7Stone]

As a psychology major you know Erik Erikson's eight stages of psychosocial development. Why marriages between young people fail is not so much the world it has more to do with development of a person and a development crisis.

I am familiar with it, actually, and for the sake of all the other people reading this thread, I'll briefly summarize in saying that Erik Erikson was more than just a guy with a cool name. He was a developmental psychologist who came up with a really important theory of personality, which is what catlover was referring to.

But it's a theory, and every good researcher knows they are imperfect, have flaws, and as theories are a product of us erring humans, a theory is not a blanket statement that applies to everyone. God was more creative than to make everyone uniform enough to fit our man-made theories.

That disclaimer aside, those of us who "married young" as well as those who "marry at the appropriate socially-acceptable age" ALL fall under Erikson's Stage Six. Because Stage Six, young adulthood, lasts from about age 18 to 30. The task is to achieve some degree of intimacy, as opposed to remaining in isolation (which was found in stage five, during our angst-filled adolescence).

So Erikson doesn't apply here. I'm sure you wouldn't argue those married at 26 or 30 were just as likely to get divorced as us youngin's? Yet they also fall under Erikson's Stage Six.

~~~

Look: the point is, those who follow God's plan, and live unselfishly (which is what God requires and marriage needs) will find happiness in marriage. It won't be perfect, it won't be ideal, and it likely won't be what you expected. But God has a plan, whether you're 18 or 28, and He cares for His children.

I may now have my four-year degree in Psychology, but I'll never know people as well as God does. He made us! And His instructions for us were clear and purposed.

Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you. The greatest of all commandments is to love one another (and that includes your spouse!). And we're not talking fuzzy [fleeting] butterflies-in-your-stomach love. We're talking Christ-like love...love in action...agapé love...love that's a daily choice.

The butterflies-in-your-stomach are just a side benefit.

 

[snowflake04]

to answer some of the questions lillygirl3, there are many days i think God did not want me to marry my husband, and yes i feel that i may have missed out on mr.right because i married the first male that entered my life. chosen7stone thanks for that little summary, i have often thought that i would be even more miserable when divorced as well, and thats kind of what scares me about making a decision like that. Like maybe its not the marriage that has caused me to become so miserable and maybe its some other aspect of my life i dont know! im so confused on the whole thing. and yes all i ever hear from my family is divorce, and its hard because ive always been so close with them and i want them to like my husband and none of them do and i fear it will always be this constant battle with them and him and it really just tears me apart. Even if i do talk to them about it they might start being nice to him but its so ungenuine and its obvious to both of us. They just think he is trash and doesnt deserve me, and thats tough for me to deal with. his family im sure feels the same way about me. in fact before we got married they told me noone would ever be good enough for him.

 

[Lilygirl3]

Your family has a poor view of your husband. Of course, they are going to take your side and want you to be happy. The best advice I have ever heard is to only say positive things about your spouse to your family. Even if it is only that he changed a light bulb for you. If you husband hears positives comments from your family that you told them, he may try to be a better person. If he knows that they think he is a creep, he will see no need to change their opinion. The same goes for you. Try to pick out something each day and that he does that is positive. Wouldn't it be nice if the next time you and hubby got together with your family they said, "We heard what a great job you did on ...... "When people see you as a great person, you try your best to be that great person, right? The book I recommended to you has all kind of great tips like that and they work!

 

[Chosen7Stone]

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[snowflake04]

thanks for that. i definately have realized a need to put him before my family, the problem is he has done some really rude and mean things to my family, so i understand why they have such a hard time with him. I mean it's human nature not to like someone who isnt nice to you right? I try to say nice things about him to them, but whenever he see's them it looks like all i did was lie. Divorce has also affected me in some really bad ways. My dad has never been much of a part of my life, especially since the divorce and since then about all he has done is tell me how awful my mom is and vice versa. Not to mention the psycho boyfriends and girlfriends they have both had. its caused me a lot of problems and i think thats probably why i married so young, because i was so scared of being without that male in my life again. i met my husband when i was 15 and he did all the things my dad should have done like teach me how to drive, pick me up from work when i got my first real job. These kinds of things. i think this is part of why our relationship is so challenging. he is such a father figure to me and i want someone who i feel romantic about. Then again i dont think im physically capable of filing for a divorce, he is too nice to me all of a sudden and i have no good reason other then these things?

 

[Lilygirl3]

Men seems to be that way, don't they? Just when you think you can't take it anymore, they start being nice. It is like they sense you are about to give up on them.

 

[snowflake04]

i know! when they see youve had enough of their nonsense, its like they change into different people.

 

[Chosen7Stone]

It's a good sign, because it shows he doesn't want to lose you! You know you're in trouble when they stop making the effort to keep you around.

Seems like you've spent a lot of time in introspection. You're on the right track.