Married to a narcissist who cannot truly love

[friendfromafar]

Came across an article that may help...
Arrgh... it doesn't let me post links here as my # posts is less than 50. Anyways... it's
at http : / / ezinearticles dot com / ? 7-Ways-to-Deal-With-a-Selfish-Person & id = 1889579

Just remove all the spaces. Replace the word dot with actual dot.

 

[mj7103]

Centexmom, your post describes me and what I'm going through and thinking, exactly. My situation is extreme but, as I'm reading, narcissist are very egregious in their behavior. I'm struggling with the fact that 1. It's not going to change 2. Biblically, am I wrong if I leave 3. My boys will be affected either way 4. He has total financial control and uses financial abuse regularly. We fight every week. Each fight lasts at least 3 days. 5. I'm scared.
Love? I don't feel love although, he says he loves me. Maybe he has, in a superficial way. Material things. Take all that away and what's left? Hurt, pain, anguish, abuse. I'm starting to believe God would forgive me and lead me through the path of struggle I'd most definitely find myself in. My faith is strong. I pray that you are well. I'm curious as to your current situation.

 

[starsoul]

Thank you everyone who's posted on this link I'm so excited as I have answers to questions I couldn't even frame!! To Ido who posted the link "surviving a narcissist" you have helped me immeasurably, and to the lovely lady who started this link, please know that God does not condone marriages of this type. My first marriage was to someone like this, and He told me to leave as my husband would never change. My husband never changed and died. I won't talk about the current husband as yet, however I am already much changed and I am determined to never let this happen again in my life.

Again, thank you one and all, I'm on my way out of here to a great life!!

blessings and dreams

 

[Happy Gramma]

Hi All,
I found this sight by simply googling "Narcissistic Christian forums." It's been more than 6 months since anyone posted here, but am wondering if any of the posters are still around. I just recently came to the realization I have been married to a man with nar tendencies for almost 30 years. I really just want someone to talk, to.

 

[starsoul]

Hi, I posted last October, and since then have done a lot of work to be free. I've recently told my narc husband, that he was right we need to divorce, and in time I will be free. If I can help you in anyway I will as this thread set me on the road to freedom.

 

[Lilly Owl]

I knew someone who was married to a narcissist for over 20 years. It destroyed her.
Narcissists will never ever change. Not ever!
They do not see the world or anyone in it including their own offspring much less their spouse, through healthy eyes.
Narcissism is a mental illness. It's an organic illness. It's not something someone comes into, it's something they are.

You are the role model for your children. What you do so too shall they do because you teach them what a couple is.

Some say the Bible forbids divorce. That's not true.
One thing the Bible does afford as a comfort when a person fears divorce will cause God to condemn them is this in the pearl of Jesus words:

1 John 1:9 ”If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins”

If you accept it is a sin to divorce, consider how it is a sin to allow yourself to be unequally yoked! Some think II Corinthians 6:14 is speaking solely about those who are not Christian.
But think about it. If you're a Christian and you enter into marriage you are suppose to both honor the word as to what marriage, spouses, and that relationship mean.
He's suppose to honor his wife and children. When he's not able to do that because he's a narcissist, you are unequally yoked. You're with someone who is not able to honor the covenant of marriage.

God forgives every sincerely repented sin.

The person I knew who was married to a narcissist for over 20 years was very devout. When she went numb and couldn't remember who she was when she was happy long years before meeting that guy, she resolved to save herself and she divorced him.
She said she realized it was a sin. But it was a sin to die inside too. So she divorced and then sincerely repented for the divorce and for tolerating abuse in the name of marriage.

Today, she's single, she glows as if someone turned a lamp on behind her eyes. And she has not a thing bad to say about her ex-husband. She repented, and she forgave him for being what he is. It's Jesus who saves people and she realized she wasn't responsible for saving her ex. That's what she thought she was going to do. Thinking he'll change if she just stands behind him and prays.

May God be with you in all things.

 

[ahmygodes]

I think my husband is an extreme narcissist or has some type of mental disorder. He acknowledges that he has a problem but will not go to a doctor for anything. He gloats around other people like he is the one who is the strength of our family. However, most weekends he goes to his friend's homes for the entire weekend. He comes home telling me how well his friend's wives treated him and how nice his friend's homes and things are. He gets mad at me for not speaking with him. I tell him I have nothing to talk about with him. I did not even realize it but I have been driven to the point where I have lost my opinions. I have been treated with such disgust in the past for having opinions opposite his that I trained myself not to generate any. If I spoke my opinion in the past he threatened to leave me and take the kids with him.
We both make good money. We never have any, he acts like all his friends have more than him and he has nothing. However, our money disappears so fast because he spends all our money on guns/ammo/etc. I cannot seem to split our money apart because I don't have any money to start to do that with, we live paycheck to paycheck.
I have a dangerously long commute to work everyday and he will not move for my job. My job however is a very good one and one I am happy to go to everyday. I value that the happiness in my job is rare. I feel my commute takes my life in my hands every winter (snow, ice, traffic and long distances) and he does not seem to even comprehend the idea when I bring it up.
I really have no close friends because of my long commute and my extra time is spent raising my children. I feel so alone. I have been daydreaming of a life without my husband and I feel so horrible for it.
I do make him out to sound awful, he is in the ways above. During the week he does go to work, give me his paycheck and do some chores around the home. He did used to be very open to ideas, and admire my strengths. Now he is closed up and wants me to be no one. Is it wrong to feel so bad about the way I feel towards him? I do not think he will ever change and I do not know how to get through this life with him?

 

[If Not For Grace]

One does not have to get a divorce to remove one's self from harms way. NPD is a Serious disorder and logic and convention goes out the window when dealing with Narcs. The Victim also is affected by the disorder just like an alcoholic's family is affected by their addiction. If you are unfamiliar please research the following:

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME​

women involved with psychopathic partners who say something to the effect of, “I know it’s hard for others to understand, but despite everything he’s done, I still love him.” While cultivating feelings of love for a partner who repeatedly mistreats you may seem irrational, it’s unfortunately quite common. Psychological studies show that molested children, battered women, prisoners of war, cult members and hostages often bond with their abusers. Sometimes they even go so far as to defend them to their families and friends, to the media, to the police and in court when their crimes are brought to justice.
This psychological phenomenon is so common that it acquired its own label: “Stockholm Syndrome,” named after an incident that occurred in Stockholm, Sweden. On August 23rd, 1974,

This unhealthy bonding solidifies when the abuser alternates between the carrot and the stick conditioning, as we’ve seen in the case of Drew and Stacy Peterson. He interlaces the abuse–the lying, the cheating, the implicit or explicit threats and insults, and even physical assault–with acts of “small kindness,” such as gifts, romantic cards, taking her out on a date to a nice restaurant, apologies and occasional compliments. Needless to say, in any rational person’s mind, a cute card or a nice compliment couldn’t erase years of abusive behavior. Yet for a woman whose independent judgment and autonomy have been severely impaired by extended intimate contact with a psychopath, it can and often does. Such a woman takes each gift, hollow promise and act of kindness as a positive sign. She mistakenly believes that her abusive partner is committed to changing his ways. She hopes that he has learned to love and appreciate her as she deserves. She wants to believe him even when the pattern of abuse is repeated over and over again, no matter how many times she forgives him. This is what trauma bonding is all about.

A victim of Stockholm Syndrome irrationally clings to the notion that if only she tries hard enough and loves him unconditionally, the abuser will eventually see the light. He, in turn, encourages her false hope for as long as he desires to string her along. Seeing that he can sometimes behave well, the victim blames herself for the times when he mistreats her. Because her life has been reduced to one goal and one dimension which subsumes everything else–she dresses, works, cooks and makes love in ways that please the psychopath–her self-esteem becomes exclusively dependent upon his approval and hypersensitive to his disapproval.
As we know, however, psychopaths and narcissists can’t be pleased. Relationships with them are always about control, never about mutual love. Consequently, the more psychopaths get from their partners, the more they demand from them. Any woman who makes it her life objective to satisfy a psychopathic partner is therefore bound to eventually suffer from a lowered self-esteem. After years of mistreatment, she may feel too discouraged and depressed to leave her abuser. The psychopath may have damaged her self-esteem to the point where she feels that she wouldn’t be attractive to any other man. Carver calls this distorted perception of reality a “cognitive dissonance,” which psychopaths commonly inculcate in their victims.
As we recall, psychopaths establish control of their victims BITE by BITE, like emotional vampires. Once again, “BITE” stands for “behavior, information, thoughts and emotions.” Psychopaths attempt to control all aspects of their partners’ experience of reality

The victim must find other sources of satisfaction in her life, which are not motivated by the desire to please him.

Sometimes, family and friends of the victims notice similar behavior from the victim as from the psychopath himself. Both, for instance, may lie. Leedom and other psychologists state that, sadly, this phenomenon is also quite common. We’ve seen that contact with a psychopath tends to be contagious and destructive, like a virus. It distorts your perception of reality, corrupts your moral values and diminishes your empathy for others. According to Leedom,
“This is what happens when you have any association with a psychopath, no matter how you know them and whether or not you live with them. This is why I strongly encourage family members to cut the psychopath off. Psychopaths’ whole way of relating to the world is about power and control. This need for power and control is very personal. They do it one person at a time, one victim at a time. They do it very systematically with malice and forethought. When they succeed in hurting someone or getting another person to hurt him/herself or others, they step back, revel in it and say ‘I did it again, I’m great!’ (they often use a lot of foul language also).” (lovefraud.com)

Just as most people experience a visceral pleasure in making love, or eating chocolate, or seeing their children’s team win a game, so psychopaths experience great pleasure when they hurt others. They enjoy corrupting their partners so that they too become manipulative, deceptive and callous like them. For a psychopath, destroying his partner from the inside/out–her human, moral core, not just her daily life–represents a personal triumph.

Even the pros struggle dealing with NPD and it is more common than John Q. Public thinks. Environmental factors DO affect your children and their welfare must be considered even if you are willing to risk your own.

From a spiritual perspective note that living to please another person is akin to making them your God..God hates divorce because of what it does to the relationships between people, but when a "marriage" is a mere co-existence, it is hypocritical of the process. If vows are not honored this is also not pleasing to God. I submitt Sin is not measured and Jesus has died for our sins. Divorce just like hypocrisy can be forgiven.[/font]
[FONT='Century Gothic','sans-serif'][/font]
[FONT='Century Gothic','sans-serif'] Please Seek professional help from a MH professional well versed in NPD and its affects on families, this is a very specialized field. Please do not delay. Prayers for you and your family.[/font]

 

[JMC52]

Check out website Postcards to a Narcissist, lots of useful,info, tho tends to depersonalise the narcissist, but check 2 Timothy 3, v 1-9, it specifically deals with abusive people and depending on translation, says "Have Nothing to do with them", or "Avoid them", or "From such people, turn away". Dont forget, need I say, your children need to be put first if there any signs of emotional abuse, I agree emotional abuse is more damaging than physical generally speaking as the emotional abuse leaves the victim often clueless and believing they are either going mad, or the cause of the abuse. It can also lead to the children developing complex personalities also, ie dependant, etc.
Sometimes is extremely subtle. I know everyone says go to a christian counsellor, but if you read the damage done to the Narcissist, Im not sure they have the training or experience to deal with the unconscious stuff, its seriously deep, and maybe psychoanalyst style therapy is best for them. You might find it a bit disturbing, that as a victim, you might have a few narcissist vulnerabilities in your own personality, but don't let that put you off, the whole process is about healing,being made whole and restoration, including you, as for the narcissist, theres nothing wrong with them ever, is there ;-) Keep praying and look after yourself and the children.

 

[Happy Gramma]

A year has passed since my last post and things have not improved. I am finally realizing that I can't go on this way any longer and that my npd husband will never change. I keep doing the same things and expect different results and truly feel like I am losing my mind. I am concerned now that I may have Stockholm Syndrome that was mentioned previously. I had never even heard of that before. About a year ago I went and shared with our pastor my concerns about hubby's pathological lying and nar. tendencies. He said he would try to reach out to him but to my knowledge he has not nor has he communicated with me in any way. I have not been to church for 5 Sundays now because it is hard for me to pretend that all is ok when it is not. I dearly love the church and sang in the choir and will probably leave while hubby continues to fool everyone. We will be receiving a settlement for a car accident we were in and so I should have the finances to move out in the next couple of months. I have been seeing a LCSW for four years now and she has encouraged me to let my grown children and 83 year old mom know of my plans to move out. I told my one son the other day and he thinks I should try and work things out and thinks I should not leave after 30 years of marriage. My other son's reaction will be similar. My daughter still lives at home so knows first hand what goes on, on a daily basis. Hope someone might have some encouragement.

Thanks

 

[JMC52]

Hi Happy Gramma, its good to hear from you and that you are looking at your situation. I realise you are looking for some hope, I did for months in my short relationship. Ive been free now for 11 months, its been one of the toughest 11 months of my adult life, but my sense of self has/is returning and I feel so much better. My NPD wants me back, my children are now in fear of me taking her back, they have seen the improvement in my mental health. My NPD is just the same, still blaming me, trying to re write history and change my view on what happened, no responsibility at all. I had to come to the realisation that I am not responsible for her, her mental health or healing, if God chooses to heal then he will, but from what I can tell, he hasn't, God does not want you to live in bondage, marriage to an abuser is not marriage, its bondage, the legalists will tell you otherwise, yes marriage is sacred, but so is Godly respect and love for one another. The Narc is doing neither of these. I would recommend a book/audio CD called "BOUNDARIES" by Chip Judd. One of the hardest things I had to look at was not the narc, but myself. It seems those who marry Narcs often have there own needs that they look to others, i.e. the narc to meet, sometimes hoping to change them is a way of us feeling better about our own voids in our souls, and we make them responsible for that. We have to turn to GOD for this void to be filled, but its a battle. Most likely we don't want or will not look at these issues, almost in the same way the narc doesn't, as its painful. That is your hope, and healing. The Narc is responsible for their own life and healing and relationship with GOD, not you. The narc see's our needs and, as if we have victim stamped on our foreheads, like a neon light, the narc and "victim" (yes I was a "victim" too) are drawn together, the wounded couple. We are trying to heal wounds from our childhood most likely. ( I now realise that my mother was a narc of sorts) So be blessed, build the walls and gates around your life, and only let those worthy thro the gates into your intimate life, for the others, love your enemies, but not inside the walls, make sure your love is true and not feeding your own needs. Im sorry if I've sounded a bit direct, but there was no easy way to say this. Be blessed.