Married to a narcissist who cannot truly love

[CentexMom]

Think about it. If you have sons, this man is their role model. If you have daughters, this man is the model for the husband they will seek..

Sorry for the delayed post. I haven't been able to get online for a while. I definitely agree Catherineanne. That's been a big concern is that my two daughters will end up looking for a man "just like Dad," which would be just another generation of nightmares. I, too, am surrounded by narcissists in my family. They leave quite a wake of multi-generational destruction. I'm wondering if maybe that's why I ended up with one (just like dear old Dad).

 

[CentexMom]

The narcissists abusiveness/neglectfulness is very difficult to prove b/c they do maintain such a facade to the outside world. I used to inwardly gag when people would tell me what a great person my ex was and how lucky I was to be married to him. I used to think, "Oh, if only you knew the man I know" but I never spoke up b/c marriage is a private matter, IMO.

Thanks flnativegrl. It's such a relief to know there are others out there who have been through the same thing. He has SUCH a fascade that people act like I'M crazy when I suggest that he may not be all that he presents himself to be. AAAHHHHHH!!! It makes me SO crazy.

But he's planning on leaving in about a month. He's already found multiple other supplies, looking up old girlfriends, trolling online, you name it. I find myself struggling with my own self worth and have to remind myself that his actions aren't about MY value, they're about HIS dysfunction. It's just hard to remember that sometimes when the emotions get high. And they're about maxed out right now.

Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement. Would love to visit with you sometime to see how things are going with you.

Blessings!

 

[CentexMom]

I am also married to a Narcissist, and have been for 13 years. I totally get where you "are." I just recently made the decision to leave, because my husband categorically refuses to see that there is a problem with himself. He began psychotherapy when I told him I didn't know whether or not I wanted to stay with him, and the first psychologist who saw him said "You seem like a nice guy--why do you need a psychologist?" People just don't realize--especially when it's an extremely intelligent, high-functioning, controlling manipulator like my husband--what could possibly be going on behind the scenes.

Wooddove, it sounds like you've lived my life (we are at 14 years). I've read that a lot of NPDs can fool their therapists. Although, I have to say that the last two counselors we've gone to see together have BOTH told me he had a really serious victim mentality.

I have already faced retribution for my decision, been told that I am in rebellion (this from a member of my own family) and need to get right with God, etc. Despite it being hurtful, I know this person simply doesn't understand.

I too have been ostracized by several members of my own family, who tell me I just need to shut up and learn how to be a Godly wife (they believe that's the problem in our marriage). I know that my husband has just suckered a few of my family members like he's suckered the rest of the world and suckered me for 13 years. I have to pray that God will show the truth to my family. I cannot do it myself.

My husband, unfortunately, also suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, and the two together make for some real weirdness.

Oddly enough, I was diagnosed with BPD in my 20s. I've read somewhere that BPD/NPD is a common dysfunctional pairing. Although, I have to say God has spent years dysmantling my BPD dysfunction. I don't feel BPD anymore, and most of my self-destructive BPD behaviors have disappeared. But I know God's still got a long way to go...and I welcome every moment of his dysmantling because of the shiny new structures he puts in place of all that is broken-down.

First of all, there is a very real sense that a narcissist has "left" you, emotionally. Technically, he wasn't there in the first place, but that isn't always readily apparent. There is also very real emotional abuse that is perpetrated by a narcissist. There is no true concern for your welfare, no committment to the ideals of the vows you spoke at your wedding, no real love, no real caring (for you OR your children)--in short, there is nothing at all in him that is even capable of fulfilling the Biblical mandate to love you as Christ loved the church. He also can't love you like his own body. . . cherish you. . . or do anything that is truly Christ-like. He actually epitomizes that which got Lucifer thrown out of heaven. Pride. Arrogance. Complete and total focus on self.

OMGosh! Yes! That SO resonates with me! I feel like he's never been with me emotionally, he just pretended to be. He said he loved, but his actions never spoke it. He said he cared, but he did nothing to show it. It left me wondering if I was crazy...that maybe I just didn't really know what love was supposed to be...maybe I was wanting too much...was just too demanding when I asked him to "show me" his love.

He's gone around to all my friends and lied about me--or accused them! He's tried to isolate me from our finances. . . and so much more. The things he's done are downright bizarre. I literally have only one friend left, the damage has been so great.

Ditto that. He's told all of our friends that I've victimized him for 14 years. Suddenly the phone stops ringing. I only have a few friends left, and they were not mutal friends...just girl friends of my own.

I wish you God's best, God's presence, and Godspeed!

Thanks so much Wooddove. I pray that all of us who are yoked to narcissists would be able to walk in grace and forgiveness...which will likely be the hardest thing we've ever had to do. But God has been helping me along with words here and there...to love the unloveable...to forgive those who aren't seeking your forgiveness. Now I just need God to help me be those things (if not be those things for me), because I know I don't have it inside me to do that without Him.

Would love to stay in touch and hear how you are fairing.

Blessings!!!

 

[ido]

Thanks flnativegrl. It's such a relief to know there are others out there who have been through the same thing. He has SUCH a fascade that people act like I'M crazy when I suggest that he may not be all that he presents himself to be. AAAHHHHHH!!! It makes me SO crazy.

But he's planning on leaving in about a month. He's already found multiple other supplies, looking up old girlfriends, trolling online, you name it. I find myself struggling with my own self worth and have to remind myself that his actions aren't about MY value, they're about HIS dysfunction. It's just hard to remember that sometimes when the emotions get high. And they're about maxed out right now.

Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement. Would love to visit with you sometime to see how things are going with you.

Blessings!

I totally understand the struggle with your self-worth. I had to remind myself repeatedly that my ex-husband's inability to love me or fix the problems he created in our marriage had nothing to do with ME. It was about him and his inability, only. When we were in counseling together, the therapist touched on an issue from my ex's childhood that is a major factor in the issues he has (not the only one, but a biggie). My ex flat out told him that he refuses to talk about it. The therapist told him that we wouldn't find resolution if he couldn't bring it out into the open and face it head on - yet he still refused. I think that was the moment where I realized that there was nothing I could do since he was so unwilling/incapable of addressing his issues.

 

[Skat3]

Hi CentexMom - you sound just like me in your post - I too am married to a man with
NPD and I have 3 boys. I too am a christian trying struggling to do the right thing. To some of our problems there are no solutions. For example, our children have fathers who cannot father the way we had hoped. The best thing that we have going for us is our faith... knowing that God loves us so much is such a comfort. My advise regarding divorce is to listen to what God wants you to do... God has a different plan for each of us.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

After nearly 14 years of marriage, I'm beginning to believe that I may be married to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)...someone who is simply incapable of authentic love. I'm hoping someone here has some experience with narcissists--maybe even been married to one? It's a complicated personality disorder. There's not really room here to list all the symptoms. The net-net is that we have a loveless marriage and pretty much always have. We've just been great pretenders. I've sought help for me. I've sought help for us. God has really tilled up some hard ground in my heart (with PLENTY of hard ground to go), but my husband WILL NOT get help for himself. He doesn't think he has a problem. I've been fighting divorce because I didn't want to hurt my children and because "God hates divorce." But the fact is, his narcissim has already hurt the kids. He is controlling, excessively critical, quick to judge, and quick to anger. The prayer of my youngest (8-year-old) lately is, "God, help Daddy to not be so mad all the time." A Christian friend said to me that I have grounds to leave him because he is not, nor has he ever, fulfilled his vows to "love, honor, and cherish." Either way, my children hurt, and I HATE that. Help! I don't know what to do anymore!

Be very, very , very careful with that assumption. One counselor told my wife I was one - we ended up in divorce. Not a single counselor since has agreed. NPDers are stigmatized as evil and non-human, and if your DH finds out that's what you think he is, and googles the phrase, it's going to crush him.

The one online source of help for NPD I've found that is not filled with hate and "pity poor me stuck with the evil man" is www.healnpd.org.

Good luck.

 

[dreamwriter]

The one online source of help for NPD I've found that is not filled with hate and "pity poor me stuck with the evil man" is ........

I was so excited to read this statement, because that is what I am searching for -- however, the site is apparently no longer at that address. Any ideas? Thanks!!

 

[CaitlinROse158740]

I would you like you to know that I have been a deep southern baptist ALL MY LIFE. My family does not believe in divorce. My parents are actually celebrating their 30th wedd anniversary this sunday. I am married to a man with narcissistic personality disorder. It is hard to deal with and I am about ready to get a divorce. I was going through those same feelings as you...so i went and talked to my preacher. He says that i have a Biblical basis for divorce. (my husband is not a christian...although he has always said he is) My pastor told me that although the Bible states that if you are married to someone who is not a christian, and they will live with you then you cannot leave them...he says that as long as my husband is not trying to make our marriage work and is being so mentally and emotionally abusive that God considers that to be my husband saying "No" to our marriage. In this way, my pastor says that I have a Biblical right and a legal right to divorce my husband.
Love and Prayers, and I know what you're going through. It is hard to know if divorce is the right step or not...but just know that God will allow it without considering it a sin on your part.
Caitlin

 

[CaitlinROse158740]

A great website I found that helped me decide if my husband was Narcissistic. It wont allow me to post a link without having made 50 posts so i'm going to put it like this: narcissismcured and know that it starts with www and ends with .com!!!
Caitlin

 

[mmillard]

I am new to this site, I am married to narcissist and I cannot seem to come out of the denial stage. I have suffered alot of abuse from this man in many differant ways. I know this a very unhealthy man and I need to leave this realtionship but I am consumed by fear. But I am so tired of the roller coaster. I keep reading my bible looking for the answers, knowing I have the answers and just can't seem to do anything about it.

 

[Angelichope]

Hello Centex mom, I hope you still visit this forum, I am in East Tx. I have been married to a Narcissist for 29yrs, I started taking psychology after I finished getting theology because I wanted to help people and found at the same time I could also help myself. Maybe we could chat if you are still with your husband. There is so much more for people of faith to face in these situation, that can be frustrating. Most people would simply divorce and end it without conscience. Some times this is something you have to do. Even if you are no longer with your husband maybe we can help each other. It is a healing process either way. I surely know what your going through. If we don't speak at least remember that we are not alone, there are others and there is always the faithful Father with us. Through our hardest times, He is able! Blessings to you.from TX..

 

[dariya]

Hello Centexmom

You are brave women and Lord have amazing plan for your life.
God bless you

 

[J1A1H]

Hello Centexmom

You are brave women and Lord have amazing plan for your life.
God bless you

amen +1

 

[Metoo30]

WOW, I cannot believe what I am reading. I was married one year May 30th, but I left him 4 months ago. I left because I was devastated, devastated to come to realize I married someone who deceived me so well. Everything he said turned out to be lies. He is not capable of loving me, encourage me or even think of me when he gets up in the morning and makes himself some breakfast. When it snows he will go out and clean his car out and I have to fend for myself. A few days after we where married he would get up in the middle of the night and sit on the porch and talk on the phone for hours, till today I don't know who he talked to. When I questioned anything he would say that I was insecure....when we argued he would bring up my past and the ugly things I share with him about my past.........and tell me I did not have Christ in me. We had a joint checking account that was taken over by the government because he owed back child support that I didn't know. He use to share the bills then he began to put his money in a safe. He is a Pastor........I became so confused, because I believed he was the man of God he said he was....I believed in my heart that God had brought us together. I left, because I no longer felt safe in my own house....and went to live with friends for 3 months, and save money to get my own place. I've had to start with a only a couch, but God! This whole situation has left me completely broken....the church does not believe me, my pastor says that I am out to make my husband look like a villain. There is so much more I could share, but this site has helped me to realize I am not alone and that I am not crazy. I have been married before and have to sons in college. I struggle with all of this because I feel that I made a huge mistake, by trusting this man. I feel ashamed that my sons get to see this. They are very supportive of me, but I can't help but feel so ashamed and like a failure in front of them and my family....the other devastating situation is the church, they have all left me, just like I didn't even exist.

I read this today "I was created to have emotional freedom, inner peace, and strong self-esteem. Emotional abuse has undermined God's plan for my life, my joy, and my peace. But what others sabotaged, God can rebuild."

I thank God everyday for not leaving or forsaking me. I love Him with all my heart, and I know He is with me, and I constantly ask Him to teach me to see my husband the way He sees Him and to forgive the way He forgives.

Thank you for sharing.

Me

 

[tklefk01]

I too was married to a narcissist 11 years worth! Same situation....same worries...same pain. The problem with divorce/seperation, is that your husband knows no bounderies, and you and the children ARE his posessions! He will terrorize you no matter what your marital status is. The best place to keep an enemy is right under your nose. You will have to get used to the idea of having to discuss "daddy's behaviour" as the opposite of how one should behave, in order that they may achieve happiness in their own lives. I am still his prisinor three years ...after our divorce. I would love to share with you some of the ways I am able to tone down some of his behaviours, maybe you share with me yours.

God Bless You and the children.

Tammy (Illinois)

 

[Metoo30]

Thank you Tammy for sharing. I am truly sorry you have had to go through this and your children also. I am glad I don't have any children with this man. Like I said before this whole situation has left me so confused. It has been 6 months since I left and there is no sign of reconciliation or restoration. He called me and told me I have to learn to get over things and the reason he doesn't get upset about anything is because he has Christ in him and I don't. I told him the only way I would talk to him would be to get professional help together with someone neither one of us knows.....but I haven't heard anything from him since. I praise God that I now have my own place and I had to get a part-time job in addition to my full-time job in order to be able to pay my bills and live. When I think about what has happened in my life for the past 18 months, I get depressed and I have a hard time forgiving myself for making such a big mistake.....and now I question, where do I go from here? I didn't want to get a divorce and I feel that I would be disappointing God, but I don't believe that God wants any of us to be abused, manipulated and used. I truly want God's guidance.

God bless you and your children.

Me

PS. He did say once that I would be his no matter what......that scares me.

 

[tklefk01]

He has already broke his commitment to you and our heavenly father. He entered into a marriage covenant with God promising to love his wife as christ loved his church. God knows the heart of every man, and he knew ...way before you (sorry) that your husband is incapable of keeping his word. Let me ask you; Would you forgive your own daughter if she wanted to end a marriage with a man like your husband? God loves us unimaginable ...and in fairness! You are not your husbands doormat/ possession. You are Gods daughter "His princess" Pray for your husband, and be happy in knowing; You're NOT him! God cannot use you to help others, if you have no wholesome value for yourself.

Thank God you have no children with this man, it could be sooooo much worse. Shake him off ....mind and body, and trust God day by day... letting go of your financial worries. Trials for your independance is what you need to go through right now. God is molding you ...let him! For the meek, who are really (strong) will inheret the earth. Your husband is just a bad habbit of yours ...one you need to overcome.

P/S
Narcissist are incapable of keeping their word. A person with no integrity does not know himself, can't be trusted, and.... will never find himself.

Your friend, Tammy

 

[Metoo30]

WoW! Thank you Tammy!

I thank God for the wisdom He has given you, the wisdom to encourage others (me) and many others going through the same situation.

You are right, I would forgive my daughter and I know that God has forgiven me for making such a big mistake. At times I feel alone and rejected, but I know this is the time where He is drawing me closer and closer to Him, molding me to be the kind of person He created me to be and I get to expecience his mercy, grace and amazing love and forgiveness.....the type of love and forgiveness I am learning to extend to the people who have hurt me.

Thank you again, Tammy!

I pray that our Lord will continue to give you the wisdom to know what is right and the
courage to do what is right no matter what.

God bless you and your precious family.

Me

 

[tklefk01]

Not my wisdom, but Gods wisdom, which he has also instilled in you. Over the years you wil find ways to help others with your experience ...possibly with teenage girls.

God has blessed you ...what a glorious feeling

 

[visionary]

There is a world of wonderful and loving individuals who can bring joy and warmth into the life of all those around them. Collect those for friends. Invite those over for socials. Create a world in which the children and yourself can flourish in joy, fun, contentment, and good company. Surround yourself and your children with another world and life that leaves little time for the bitterness and pain he wants to share. No longer be interested in that lifestyle he lives. Invite him on the condition that he does not share his attitude. Show a complete lack of interest in such a way of thinking or living.