Married to a narcissist who cannot truly love

[tklefk01]

I will recieve your words as blessings from God himself. I had similar thoughts earlier today ... and you my friend have just solidified the direction.

Our God is amazing!

 

[healingrainbow]

My mother's ex bf was like that, but unfortantly I couldn't find an answer for helping people like that. I tried to be understanding to my mother's ex bf but it seemed like nothing works. I had to get away from him, he was wearing me down.
I'll pray for your husband. I hope he overcomes that.

 

[tklefk01]

There is no way to make sense of NPD from a normal perspective, because they make no rational sense! I believe that the reasons behind my own attraction to my NPD partner initially ...atleast, was that I came from a family who wanted little to do with me, where as ...he wanted everything to do with me. I genuienly mistook his controlling behaviour as the care I never had as a child.

If this is true for me, it is likely true for so many of our young women ...especially in broken, abusive and excessivley burdend families. Satan the liar has fooled many in the same way!

The story is not over yet though, during my trials,... and there are "many" I have used them as an opportunity for me and the children to grow closer to Jesus! As my NPD partner grows in weakness and denial, we grow stronger in our faith, strength, patience, and integrity. AMEN!!!!

 

[Metoo30]

After leaving my husband 6 months ago...he has not contacted me, only text messages a couple of months ago to let me know he was allowing God to do some work in him and that I needed to be understanding.....and nothing else until last week....he texted me in the middle of the night to tell me that he had gone to see his lawyer and he is filing for a divorce. I could not sleep that night.....even though I know in my heart this is the right thing to do,.because I fear the man, I do not trust him....he has deceived me in so many ways and does not take responsibility for anything that happened while we were together. It still makes me sad to look at a marriage that never truly existed. We were married a little over a year ago and after 8 months I could not take the abuse anymore. Yesterday I found out that he has a new woman in his life. For the most part I was angry today..........but now at night I just fell apart and got on my knees and cried out to God....because the pain of rejection and betrayal is hard. God has been taking care of me and I am truly blessed. I know I will be fine, I know that when get out of this valley there will be a mountain top, and I know that God will continue to use me to bless others and glorify Him. I have handed this man over to God....a man who was the associate pastor of my church, who has everyone in the churched fooled.....and judging me for leaving him.

I just ask for your prayers......asking God to guide me, and to give me the strength to deal with this pain, talk about it and let it go, to draw me closer and closer to Him....and that not I live, but He would live through me.

Jesus I can't, but You can through me.

Thank you for listening to me cry.
I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

 

[healingrainbow]

After leaving my husband 6 months ago...he has not contacted me, only text messages a couple of months ago to let me know he was allowing God to do some work in him and that I needed to be understanding.....and nothing else until last week....he texted me in the middle of the night to tell me that he had gone to see his lawyer and he is filing for a divorce. I could not sleep that night.....even though I know in my heart this is the right thing to do,.because I fear the man, I do not trust him....he has deceived me in so many ways and does not take responsibility for anything that happened while we were together. It still makes me sad to look at a marriage that never truly existed. We were married a little over a year ago and after 8 months I could not take the abuse anymore. Yesterday I found out that he has a new woman in his life. For the most part I was angry today..........but now at night I just fell apart and got on my knees and cried out to God....because the pain of rejection and betrayal is hard. God has been taking care of me and I am truly blessed. I know I will be fine, I know that when get out of this valley there will be a mountain top, and I know that God will continue to use me to bless others and glorify Him. I have handed this man over to God....a man who was the associate pastor of my church, who has everyone in the churched fooled.....and judging me for leaving him.

I just ask for your prayers......asking God to guide me, and to give me the strength to deal with this pain, talk about it and let it go, to draw me closer and closer to Him....and that not I live, but He would live through me.

Jesus I can't, but You can through me.

Thank you for listening to me cry.
I thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

I think you did the right thing. People like that need a wake up call, because they can't see that they're hurting the people who care about them and they're also hurting themselves.
I know that God will bless you greatly

 

[tklefk01]

To the woman who is married to the associate pastor, my heart goes out to you. No doubt your biggest challenge right now is coming to terms with the idea that this man has decieved the entire church body and continues to do so. UGH!!!

You can be sure ...and I promise ...that: sooner or later, he'll show his fangs to someone, if even for a moment, ...and rest assure, that the questions WILL emerge as to WHO this man really is? God will vindicate you. For now, you should pray for the victims he continues to elude.

How does he explain the other woman to the church? What kind of church could allow this? Is it Christ centered? I am so baffled! It should be titled as the "Where the Blind lead the Blind Inc." Couldn't help that "sorry" We all fall short. I pray that you go through this conditioning as personal strength building producing a rock in faith! Remember Jesus and the religious pharisees (NPD's for sure!) He has already beat them for you is the good news, the problem is remembering that he did so- moment to moment.

God is blessing you. OUCH!!! ...doesn't feel good ...but definatelty worth it.

 

[Jazz and Blues Notes]

Thanks Davin. Frankly, I'm past the point of seeking happiness, I just want not to be miserable any more. I did tell him I would stay if he would: 1. Get a professional diagnosis (only because I can't convince him he's got a problem...he says his problem is my "victimizing" him...hoping a professional might be able to convince him), and 2. Begin to act on that diagnosis, with therapy or whatever, within a certain time frame (otherwise, he would continue to "forget about it" endlessly, hoping it will just go away). He's vascillated back and forth on the answer. He clearly DOESN'T want to do this. And I told him if he was doing it just because I asked him to, that wouldn't work either. He's going to have to really want it. He finally said he would at least go for the diagnosis. Won't promise anything beyond that. I can only hope and pray that God would open his heart and mind to the truth, but I have to tell you, I'm not optimistic about it at all right now.

That's an interesting point about him saying you're victimizing him.

There may be some of that.

In any situation where one person in a relationship thinks the other has a problem, I think they should both seek help.

You might be surprised to find out you have a problem. I know I was.

One great failing on Internet forums is that we can only see one side of the story. That side may be absolutely true, but probably not. There's always something more to the story. I'm not saying you're the one to blame, but it's worth checking out.

I always thought my husband had problems and so did my family and so did my co-workers and friends. I was certain there was an abundance of bad people in my life. I blamed my family. I blamed everyone I knew. Some of my family won't even talk to me any more. I go through periods of instability where I'm nice one day and mean the next.

I just don't know what to do sometimes.

 

[handmaiden of the Lord]

To Jazz and Blue notes: it's not uncommon for the narcissist to blame the spouse for victimizing them. The whole world is against them and they are rarely wrong. I am in the same situation and only recently separated. Thank God I don't need to vindicate myself because his irrational behavior speaks for itself. That doesn't mean the spouse living with the Narcissist shouldn't seek counseling. I think all avenues need to be examined and also to see if you have contributed to any problems in the marriage. You need to be able to look at yourself and also get to the bottom of why you would be drawn to someone like that. I have been married 15 years and together with him for 17. We got together when I was 16. There were always signs, just not as exacerbated as the last few years. I didn't see it because I was in love. Other people were concerned for me but I thought, they don't know him like I do. I'm in counseling and I need to look at myself and also so I am accountable to God to do everything I know to do that He wants me to do.

 

[Free2BMeNow]

Thanks for your replies. Yes, actually, I've been with a Christian counselor for a few months. I understand he can't make the decision to stay or go for me. And he really doesn't seem to be trying to influence me either way. He reminded me that if I stay, it will likely mean being resigned to being in a loveless marriage if my husband continues to do nothing about it—that NPD is one of those things that has a low success rate in treatment. But he also seems to be saying that he thinks I probably have biblical grounds to leave him. He has done a lot of study about the true meaning of and intent behind the words "adultery" (or is it "fornication"? I forget). He's of the opinion that adultery (or fornication) is less about sex and more about keeping and breaking covenants, and that my husband is and has (as a rule, not an exception), never loved, honored, or cherished me. I guess we're all guilty (including me) of not doing that. But the difference is, I don't want it to be that way. I want to be the kind of wife God wants me to be, and I’m trying to be open to anything God wants show me about myself that needs to change in order to make that happen. My husband doesn't. And “the rest of the world” doesn’t understand. He’s really good at maintaining the “nice-guy” image on the outside. And pretty much everyone in my world (except for my mom and siblings, who have seen his true colors over 14 years), will say to me, “But he’s such a nice guy. How could you think about leaving him?” I know it doesn’t matter what the world thinks…it’s what God thinks. I find it hard to believe God would want divorce, but I also find it hard to believe that a God who loves us would allow us to be sentenced to a loveless marriage. And there truly is no love there. I look into his eyes (when he makes eye contact with me, which he rarely does…never has), there is nothing there. It’s, like, empty space. I know. It’s weird. It makes me feel crazy.

I too have experienced the same NPD treatment from my husband of 10 years and the pain in unreal and if you have not experienced it you don't know what it's like. I hope enough time has passed since your post you are happily onto figuring out who you are and gaining your strength back.

 

[Free2BMeNow]

I share your story Wooddove and I am in the process of leaving it is so hard to extract yourself out of their life. I do love my husband I am hopelessly devoted to someone who only considers me an object that in itself should be enough to pack my toys and go but sadly it wasn't. Not even 30 days into the marriage I was sleeping in my car in the drive way of his home reeling with pain. I yet I continued for another 10 years. I am in the last 48 hours of living with him and I have butterflies in my stomach for my future. I am going to take care of my Dad in another state who needs me now and I thank God for the opportunity I found a great church there and plan to be a part of it. I feel an lot of guilt leaving because I still hope, he loves me, he changes, he sees me as a wife and not an object but as I have pulled away he has quickly surrounded himself with other supplies in the form of single women. Not that he is dating them just pulling himself in position to play the game.

Please pray for me and others like me after reading this.

 

[Free2BMeNow]

Hand maiden of the Lord, you are on your way to finding yourself again, praise God!

 

[AllieBaba2012]

It's good to be realistic.

I really think they hav eto acknowledge it themselves before they can change. Even if they are diagnosed, a lot of these people still deny it.

That's because naricissists don't do anything without MOTIVE.

If he seeks a diagnosis, and he really is a narcissist, I would be asking, "what does he think or expect to gain from this?"

Because that's all that motivates them. They have no desire to help other people, to love other people, to improve themselves (they think they're perfect!)

 

[JPark99]

Whatever you do, whether you divorce or not, make sure you do your best to not allow your children to be influenced by him. I'm a product of a father who has NPD and he was a pastor. These people, as you know don't care about anyone but themselves. My father destroyed my life and he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Throughout my life I ended suicidal multiple times, developed traits of sociopathy, and right now am starting to turn away from God. I also experienced depression for many years. He obviously made our whole family miserable, and he has rarely shown anything that represents a true christian. He treats people as commodities, is lazy, lies, abuses the family, status driven like crazy, etc. Basically shows little or no fruits of the spirit. I have been very obedient to my parents. I'm responsible and want to be independent and work my way through life. My dad wanted me to be someone important so he can show off to others (without working for it), even though he only contributed negative things in my life. He also humiliates me in front of others if it will make him look better in that regard. I have obediently followed God and my dad. Even though my dad is an idiot and has bad judgment, I still obeyed him knowing that he is wrong or his commands are purely selfish. I did it knowing that it will cost me dearly every single time. He never cared. In fact, whenever things turned bad, he would usually blame ME for what happened, even though I just followed what he told me to do earlier! He would think like "why did he do that" and think I'm an idiot for doing the very thing he told me to do. You can't win with these people. Also, people in the church would tend to blame me and think that I'm disobedient, or would give my dad the benefit of the doubt. I end up looking like the villain. I realize I can never win and started to turn away from God. I felt like no matter what I do, God will blame me. He will blame me if I follow him fully or not at all. It doesn't even matter anymore. So why try to do the right thing when it doesn't even matter at all. My dad created me this way. He manipulated me to give up my dreams, because it will make him look bad. He thinks the military is for idiots and only losers join. Fortunately I ended up joining later on. But I still have a lot of rage built up. With my sociopathic traits, I wanted to kill people and really wanted to go to war. There was very little grace shown to me by people in general. And on top of my dad's horrific behavior, I ended up wanting to commit violence. And if I couldn't go to war, I thought of killing myself many times. I had nothing to lose because my dad tried to take away everything I want.

There is so much more I can say, but my point is, parent's that have NPD can really destroy the lives of children. Be careful because your children will not grow up unscathed. But it's your choice.

 

[Free2BMeNow]

JPark99
I don't have any children but I do thank you for the necessary warning. I hope others that do have children will read it.
It does amaze me how so many are fooled by the N...all of the church group I hung out with and rode motorcycles with all think he is prince charming and I am hiding some deep dark sin of some sort. I makes me want to scream! I wonder why they can't see what I see!! I have unfriended all of them off of facebook because he has friended them and I know it is only an attempt to see what is going on with me.
I left September 1st and told myself when I left I would not talk to him again and so far that holds true. In order to proceed with divorce I am preparing a letter to convey my intentions toward the items we acquired together. Of course he has acted throughout our marriage like I am something that happen to him and deserve noting of what we have worked for. Even though he boasts to neighbors he will get me for alimony because I made more money than him!! Really!?! and I contributed noting....hum
I have done pretty good with staying focused on God and trusting the LOrd to lead me. I do not want to date. I am staying with my Dad and every time he starts to tell me something in simple conversation I feel myself bracing for what I think is coming next...then it's just normal conversation and I say to myself "you have much work todo on your self" I am determined to get my head right! I will not let someone else's selfish hatful actions screw my time up here on earth, God has destined me to do great things and I will keep doing the work until I am ready for what God has planned for my life. My heart is heavy for you Jpark99 I will be praying for you and don't pull away from the Lord because people are screwed up, fight on my friend, fight on!

 

[hope in a faithful God]

Please know that you are not alone. I know many women who have the same struggle. Although it is possible that your husband may never choose to love anyone, God is able to fill in those gaps. A really good book on the subject is Foolproofing your life.
Just remember not to allow his opinion to overshadow who God says in His word that you are- a deeply loved child of God, uniquely designed by a perfect Creator; with a sinful heart, yes but also with a Holy Spirit that enables you to be holy and blameless in God's sight.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I have to interject here. Narcissism is a trait shared by all people to a degree. It's a continuum - not an on/off switch. Narcissists are people too, and usually the source of the narcissism is a deep seated hurt - something they are not responsible for. Chucking them out only reinforces the hurt, reinforces the feelings of abandonment they already suffer (most of the time a severe magnification of whatever real event causes a feeling of abandonment.) There is help and healing even for narcissists - they are still creations of God and entitled to all the redemption anyone else is entitled to - that is, none at all and everything God can give and more.

healnpd.org helps to explain narcissism more compassionately without exempting the Narcissists from responsibility for their actions.

 

[c1ners]

I have to interject here. Narcissism is a trait shared by all people to a degree. It's a continuum - not an on/off switch. Narcissists are people too, and usually the source of the narcissism is a deep seated hurt - something they are not responsible for. Chucking them out only reinforces the hurt, reinforces the feelings of abandonment they already suffer (most of the time a severe magnification of whatever real event causes a feeling of abandonment.) There is help and healing even for narcissists - they are still creations of God and entitled to all the redemption anyone else is entitled to - that is, none at all and everything God can give and more.

healnpd.org helps to explain narcissism more compassionately without exempting the Narcissists from responsibility for their actions.

There may be help for them, but should that help come at the expense of their spouse? It's sad that they were hurt or rejected so badly in their life that they have turned out this way, but it is not the fault of the spouse. The spouse should not stay in order to "try to help them" get better. I do not think there is a single person in this world who has not been subjected to hurt or rejection sometime in their life.

I've been married now for over 20 years. My husband has never been diagnosed with Narcissism (mainly because he refuses to go to counseling), but I'm sure that's the problem.

For twenty years I've been belittled, measured up to other women and failed. Everything that goes wrong in our marriage is my fault. "I must have done something wrong" is always what he says. "I" meaning "me", not "him".

I remember once (a year and a half ago) I threatened to leave him. He actually sat down and cried. He went into such a deep depression that I was afraid for him. He finally told me that our marriage and household was held together by me. That I was always the only one trying and that he was the one who had failed. lol! He was good. He totally convinced me that things might and could change.

Two weeks later he told me that I wasn't a Christian and never was one. And that if I were to leave him I would go to hell. Of course he loved me too much for that, so he says that he'll never see that happen. He told me that I was crazy and he'd stay by my side as I got the help I needed. True to his word he lost his job a couple weeks later and decided to stay on unemployment so that he could stay home and "take care of me". All the while surrounding me and the house with a constant supply of guns and knives. Yes, he did threaten that if I ever left him again I'd end up dead. All the while telling me that he loves me.........how can you love a person and threaten their life? How can you love a person who you think so little of that you blame them for every little thing in your life?

Fast forward to today. Unemployment has finally run out. He couldn't get another job because he had gone so long without one (who wants to hire someone who stayed on unemployment for over a year?). He now lives in another state because he says he couldn't find work here (he didn't even try) and his family owns a business there and he's sure of work. People have come and taken our boat away. Of course I was told that I was too materialistic when I got upset over it. Nevermind that all the neighbors were out watching and I was humiliated. I don't answer the telephone anymore because it's normally bill collectors. Once a week a tow truck company comes by for his truck. I try telling them that he no longer lives with me, but they still won't leave me alone. I make the house payment, eat very little, live without heat or air, but I pay my bills. I can't however pay his.

And still I'm afraid to leave. He's let me know in no uncertain terms that there is always people watching me. Sometimes I come home to find the tv is changed to a different channel or the bed covers are messed up. It's always something little, but it lets me know that he's watching my every move. I know in my heart of hearts that I'll never be able to get away from him. No matter where I go he'll find me. It's okay though. I've learned how to go within myself in order to escape the constant turmoil. lol! The turmoil from the man who says he loves me more then life itself. I somehow find that funny. Sad, but funny.

 

[Colleen1]

Oh, thank you!!! It's so nice to know there are people out there who know what I mean when I say that. It's a very strange thing and really hard to describe. It looks like that's the way we're gonna have to go. He's decided he will not get any help because he "doesn't need it" (i.e., I'm the one who's crazy). So we've both contacted lawyers.

Yes, it's not easy. Feels like you constantly give love and receive cold ambivelance in return. ...and yes the blame is placed on us unfairly. Very difficult to live a healthy life and impossible to have a healthy relationship when one person won't love back or be honest. Even if a husband / boyfriend doesn't have this personality disorder, a woman can feel unloved and very lonely in the relationship. You aren't alone. Take care.

 

[Colleen1]

WOW, I cannot believe what I am reading. I was married one year May 30th, but I left him 4 months ago. I left because I was devastated, devastated to come to realize I married someone who deceived me so well. Everything he said turned out to be lies. He is not capable of loving me, encourage me or even think of me when he gets up in the morning and makes himself some breakfast. When it snows he will go out and clean his car out and I have to fend for myself. A few days after we where married he would get up in the middle of the night and sit on the porch and talk on the phone for hours, till today I don't know who he talked to. When I questioned anything he would say that I was insecure....when we argued he would bring up my past and the ugly things I share with him about my past.........and tell me I did not have Christ in me. We had a joint checking account that was taken over by the government because he owed back child support that I didn't know. He use to share the bills then he began to put his money in a safe. He is a Pastor........I became so confused, because I believed he was the man of God he said he was....I believed in my heart that God had brought us together. I left, because I no longer felt safe in my own house....and went to live with friends for 3 months, and save money to get my own place. I've had to start with a only a couch, but God! This whole situation has left me completely broken....the church does not believe me, my pastor says that I am out to make my husband look like a villain. There is so much more I could share, but this site has helped me to realize I am not alone and that I am not crazy. I have been married before and have to sons in college. I struggle with all of this because I feel that I made a huge mistake, by trusting this man. I feel ashamed that my sons get to see this. They are very supportive of me, but I can't help but feel so ashamed and like a failure in front of them and my family....the other devastating situation is the church, they have all left me, just like I didn't even exist.

I read this today "I was created to have emotional freedom, inner peace, and strong self-esteem. Emotional abuse has undermined God's plan for my life, my joy, and my peace. But what others sabotaged, God can rebuild."

I thank God everyday for not leaving or forsaking me. I love Him with all my heart, and I know He is with me, and I constantly ask Him to teach me to see my husband the way He sees Him and to forgive the way He forgives.

Thank you for sharing.

Me

This is so very hard. When someone is manipulative and so good at putting up a facade. Other people can be so very hurtful, assume they know what is true in your relationship yet have no idea and then 'gate crash' involving themselves inappropriately. So very difficult when the church of places responds like this. I have experienced the same but with a different type of relationship (familial). So very difficult. You are not alone. Take care.

 

[Colleen1]

There may be help for them, but should that help come at the expense of their spouse? It's sad that they were hurt or rejected so badly in their life that they have turned out this way, but it is not the fault of the spouse. The spouse should not stay in order to "try to help them" get better. I do not think there is a single person in this world who has not been subjected to hurt or rejection sometime in their life.

I've been married now for over 20 years. My husband has never been diagnosed with Narcissism (mainly because he refuses to go to counseling), but I'm sure that's the problem.

For twenty years I've been belittled, measured up to other women and failed. Everything that goes wrong in our marriage is my fault. "I must have done something wrong" is always what he says. "I" meaning "me", not "him".

I remember once (a year and a half ago) I threatened to leave him. He actually sat down and cried. He went into such a deep depression that I was afraid for him. He finally told me that our marriage and household was held together by me. That I was always the only one trying and that he was the one who had failed. lol! He was good. He totally convinced me that things might and could change.

Two weeks later he told me that I wasn't a Christian and never was one. And that if I were to leave him I would go to hell. Of course he loved me too much for that, so he says that he'll never see that happen. He told me that I was crazy and he'd stay by my side as I got the help I needed. True to his word he lost his job a couple weeks later and decided to stay on unemployment so that he could stay home and "take care of me". All the while surrounding me and the house with a constant supply of guns and knives. Yes, he did threaten that if I ever left him again I'd end up dead. All the while telling me that he loves me.........how can you love a person and threaten their life? How can you love a person who you think so little of that you blame them for every little thing in your life?

Fast forward to today. Unemployment has finally run out. He couldn't get another job because he had gone so long without one (who wants to hire someone who stayed on unemployment for over a year?). He now lives in another state because he says he couldn't find work here (he didn't even try) and his family owns a business there and he's sure of work. People have come and taken our boat away. Of course I was told that I was too materialistic when I got upset over it. Nevermind that all the neighbors were out watching and I was humiliated. I don't answer the telephone anymore because it's normally bill collectors. Once a week a tow truck company comes by for his truck. I try telling them that he no longer lives with me, but they still won't leave me alone. I make the house payment, eat very little, live without heat or air, but I pay my bills. I can't however pay his.

And still I'm afraid to leave. He's let me know in no uncertain terms that there is always people watching me. Sometimes I come home to find the tv is changed to a different channel or the bed covers are messed up. It's always something little, but it lets me know that he's watching my every move. I know in my heart of hearts that I'll never be able to get away from him. No matter where I go he'll find me. It's okay though. I've learned how to go within myself in order to escape the constant turmoil. lol! The turmoil from the man who says he loves me more then life itself. I somehow find that funny. Sad, but funny.

I feel for you and understand various things you have talked about. We are not responsible for other peoples actions. We can love, guide and do the best we can but people will do and be what they want to do and be. We are not responsible for their choices. I agree with you. It would be false guilt to expect us to be responsible.