Married man but having feelings for another woman

[BoBoMan]

I've read through a few threads on here and the one that really hit me hard was from user
flipspecial. It really broke me to pieces and I had a complete meltdown yesterday reading it. My situation is a little different. My wife and I have been married now for 10 years and we now have a 19 month old baby. It started out great and we we're having the time of our lives until out of nowhere, things started to go downhill meaning she didn't want to have sex as much, we didn't communicate as well, we didn't spend money wisely and so on. To be brief, she was a professing believer when we married, I was not, but didn't know it until some years later when God convicted me during a revival we we're attending. I professed but didn't posses until this revival. After this my life was changed and so was our marriage. Even still, she doesn't show hardly any interest in sex, shows very little care to do things around the house and so on. I admit I haven't been perfect either but I do my part as in manly things and always make sure she has everything she needs. Every since the baby, things went from bad to worse. She dedicates everything to this baby and I completely understand why, they're an amazing gift from God. However since the baby her negligence for me as her husband has went to full throttle. I work 10-12 hr days and come home to no meal. After she puts the baby to sleep, I want to have sex which she huffs and puffs about and sometimes will but most of the time just goes to bed leaving me hanging. I say all that to give you an idea of what our marriage looks like before I go into this new situation I'm in. The past few weeks have been the worst pain emotionally I've ever experienced. I believe it's God convicting me of the feelings I'm having but I need help and prayer because it's killing my inside. I feel like vomiting thinking about it. I can't hardly eat anything, my work performance is awful because I can't focus.

There is a coworker of mine that I've worked with now for about 18 months. Up to this point there has been absolutely nothing between us, just a typical work "good morning" and on about your day until about 2 weeks ago I could see she was very shaken about something. Me being the softy I am, asked her if she was ok. Well it let loose a hour long discussion about how her fiance was a drunk and treated her like crap and so on. Well I know her fiance personally and he is a troubled individual and she deserves much better. She is also a professing Christian that attends church regularly and lives the Christian life. Well after talking with her that day, I felt a connection with her like I've never felt before. I felt like I needed to continue to help her through her situation. Since this day, we started texting and talking on the phone about our situations helping each other with experience and scriptures. Well in my current state with my marriage hanging on a thread, something was happening I didn't realize until yesterday reading through Flip's thread. I saw the term "limerence" and after googling it I was like...that's not me because I'm not obsessed or infatuated for her, she just checks all of the boxes I want for a wife. My wife used to check all of the boxes but something has changed and she doesn't seem to care anymore. This friend of mine has told me over and over that she doesn't want me to leave my wife her for but if I did she was there. She keeps telling me that I need to pray and listen to God which I am doing. Yesterday I poured out my heart go God and told him, whatever it takes to lift this burden, pain, and conviction, do it because I'm at the end of my ropes. This friend of mind is a great person, she comes from a past similar to mine as in moved out early and forced to grow up sooner than most people. I don't really believe in divorce but have been studying on biblical principles that allow it because I have a hard time believing God wants people to remain miserable. I know that God hates divorce and that it's probably not the best way to go simply because of the pain, confusion and devastation it causes. There is absolutely nothing physical between us, it's nothing sexual, just emotional attachments right now. I feel deep down that because of my covenant to God and my wife, regardless of whether I'm happy or not that I'm obligated to honor it.

First, please pray for me, I'm in inner turmoil and can't function like this. I believe my brain is telling me what's right based on truth and my sinful heart is being deceived.
What I'm worried about is, that if I end this friendship and walk away that I'm missing out on something that could've been. She is a wonderful and strong person that I could easily be with because she possess everything I long for. Sometimes it feels like holiness trumps happiness. I have a hard time believing God wants someone to be miserable just to stay married. I've been praying for a long time to heal the marriage but nothing changes. To add to my mess, in my breakdown yesterday, I came out and told my wife what all I was feeling and why I believed I'm feeling like I am. She confessed to me her shortcomings and that she has put the baby first instead of God and would work to put God back first, then me, then the baby. This isn't the first time she's said this and nothing changed.

Please, if anyone has similar experience, help me.

Thank you.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

All the temptations are common to men worldwide, as written in Scripure.

Most men do not ever turn to Yahweh(God) by faith in Jesus to be healed, saved, strengthened or kept or restored. A few do.

Resist the devil and he will flee. This is true today just as it was when first written.

We live in a dangerous generation - also as always in the past, so it is today.

Society approves of sin, and will cause as many as possible to sin and die apart from God.

Jesus does not approve of sin, and gives the only way to overcome it to be restored to God.

It is often a "lonely" path to seek always to do what God says, and not to do what the world (even friends and family) says ...... the wide path to destruction is still popular and heavily populated.

The narrow road to life is painful, and few find it. There's no other way, though, to have eternal life. It is eternally worth it.

 

[Lost4words]

Walk away now. Concentrate on winning your wife back. Go to counselling. Try everything you can. God will guide you.

 

[All4Christ]

First, there are a few things that stick out to me. “I work 10-12 hours and come home to no meal”. Taking care of a 19 month old is also a full time job, especially considering the laundry, the clean up, the care for the child, cooking during the day, etc. Perhaps you could share that chore of making dinner?

(Also....you do your part with “manly” things? Stop looking at things as “manly” or “womanly”.)

Second, yes, we are supposed to give ourselves to our spouses and that is part of marriage. I am curious though - are you fighting earlier in the evening? Are you helping take care of the baby before bed? Or are you relaxing? I honestly don’t know your situation - so I am just asking some things to clear this up.

Third - absolutely do not pursue this other woman. Don’t rationalize a way “out” of the marriage...it is pure temptation of our Enemy, not of God. If needed, cut off all contact with her. Your wife hasn’t committed adultery from what I’ve read here. Don’t be the one to do that - either emotionally or physically. Don’t share emotional stories with her, especially when you are in a difficult situation with your wife. You are married and she is married. You should not put more emotional trust in her over your wife, and you certainly shouldn’t vent about your spouse to her and she shouldn’t vent about her divorce to you.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but this isn’t something you want to entertain. Cut it out of your mind and know that it is not of God. You are called to be like Christ to your wife no matter how she treats you. Love her before yourself...love her like Christ loves us (who honestly did nothing to deserve His mercy and love).

 

[brinny]

Would you like me to just come out with it and be honest, BoBoMan?

 

[BoBoMan]

Would you like me to just come out with it and be honest, BoBoMan?

Yes, please!

 

[brinny]

Yes, please!

Ok, here's the deal.

Satan has a noose around your neck, and he's slowly tightening it.

Can you feel that noose yet?

Welcome to CF, BoBoMan.

 

[BoBoMan]

First, there are a few things that stick out to me. “I work 10-12 hours and come home to no meal”. Taking care of a 19 month old is also a full time job, especially considering the laundry, the clean up, the care for the child, cooking during the day, etc. Perhaps you could share that chore of making dinner?

I do from time to time but I'm so exhausted most days we just eat out.

Second, yes, we are supposed to give ourselves to our spouses and that is part of marriage. I am curious though - are you fighting earlier in the evening? Are you helping take care of the baby before bed? Or are you relaxing? I honestly don’t know your situation - so I am just asking some things to clear this up.

We don't really fight because I try to avoid situations that cause us to argue. She has always battled an attitude problem so I know what to avoid and when. I admit I don't do a whole lot, I play with her when I get home and help with her bath but that's it.

Third - absolutely do not pursue this other woman. Don’t rationalize a way “out” of the marriage...it is pure temptation of our Enemy, not of God. If needed, cut off all contact with her. Your wife hasn’t committed adultery from what I’ve read here. Don’t be the one to do that - either emotionally or physically. Don’t share emotional stories with her, especially when you are in a difficult situation with your wife. You are married and she is married. You should not put more emotional trust in her over your wife, and you certainly shouldn’t vent about your spouse to her and she shouldn’t vent about her divorce to you.

No I don't believe she has. She has never given me a reason to suspect it. We trust each other which is why I poured myself out to her last night. I admit I have shared a lot with my coworker friend because it has helped her according to her, but it has also caused me to connect more with her which is a problem for me. I apologize for the confusion, she isn't married, just engaged.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but this isn’t something you want to entertain. Cut it out of your mind and know that it is not of God. You are called to be like Christ to your wife no matter how she treats you. Love her before yourself...love her like Christ loves us (who honestly did nothing to deserve His mercy and love).

This is what I struggle with. I believe that the covenant I made to God and to her trumps happiness even though it sucks living like this.

 

[Kiterius]

Change jobs. Don't take your wife for granted. Take up a new hobby - maybe oil painting.

 

[BoBoMan]

Ok, here's the deal.

Satan has a noose around your neck, and he's slowly tightening it.

Can you feel that noose yet?

Welcome to CF, BoBoMan.

Honestly after my meltdown yesterday and pouring out of my soul to God, absolutely. My friend texted me a few minutes ago and asked me if I was ok today because I have avoided her all day. I responded no that I'd call her once she got home. I have every intention on setting it straight and ending the emotional relationship because I feel deep down it's Satan trying to destory my Godly marriage/home even though she is also a Christian. The only thing that worries me like I said is that by me ending it, I may be missing out on something that could've been if my marriage eventually ends.

 

[Kiterius]

Honestly after my meltdown yesterday and pouring out of my soul to God, absolutely. My friend texted me a few minutes ago and asked me if I was ok today because I have avoided her all day. I responded no that I'd call her once she got home. I have every intention on setting it straight and ending the emotional relationship because I feel deep down it's Satan trying to destory my Godly marriage/home even though she is also a Christian. The only thing that worries me like I said is that by me ending it, I may be missing out on something that could've been if my marriage eventually ends.

Of course you're going to be missing out on something. That's how life works. If you turn right, you miss out on turning left. If you eat at Harvey's, you miss out on eating at Swiss Chalet. Deal with it.

 

[brinny]

Honestly after my meltdown yesterday and pouring out of my soul to God, absolutely. My friend texted me a few minutes ago and asked me if I was ok today because I have avoided her all day. I responded no that I'd call her once she got home. I have every intention on setting it straight and ending the emotional relationship because I feel deep down it's Satan trying to destory my Godly marriage/home even though she is also a Christian. The only thing that worries me like I said is that by me ending it is missing out on something that could've been.

Ummmmm, BoBoMan, that female is NOT your "friend". You have no "loyalty" to this woman. You have given this woman what should only go to God and your wife, and that is "pearls" consisting of "intimacy" and breaking down the hedge and boundaries that God has ordained for you, your family, and your household. And she's asking you why you've "avoided" her? Do you see the problem here? You have opened doors that should've never been opened. This woman feels entitled to your "loyalty" and "attention".

You're right about Satan.

He comes in many "guises", doesn't he?

Get OUTTA that quicksand, BoBoMan.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello and welcome to CF.

You've gotten some good advice here that I won't reiterate. I especially agree with All4Christ. But one thing I would add (unless I missed it - I had to skim a few replies) ...

You're idealizing this other woman, and yet she has invited you to be with her even though she knows you are married? And just told you to "pray about it"?

She may be sincere in her intentions and thoughts, but that is not the act of a person with any maturity in Christ. There are such temptations in Scripture, and the labels for such women are strong. Just - don't. Stay away. Try to understand that you are being tempted. Don't justify anything. GOD NEVER GIVES ANYONE SOMEONE ELSE'S SPOUSE (while they are living). Period. Ever. If we are praying to discern such a thing, we've already left our discernment at the door and can expect any kind of delusion.

This can be turned to good. Use this as a wake-up call to work on your marriage with your wife. Understand she may well be exhausted and overwhelmed. Be her support and help her to be strengthened spiritually, emotionally, physically - if you can do this, you will almost certainly reap benefits, but that should not be your motive. Simply love her as Christ loved the Church - He literally gave His life for her. Your love of your wife would ideally be equally sacrificial. From such a foundation, truly strong marriages can grow and be a blessing to the family and to others outside.

The young lady needs to turn to someone else - ideally perhaps a woman. If she doesn't know one, then perhaps her pastor or yours can get in touch with her to help her find help. It should NOT be a man who is having trouble in his own marriage. That is a recipe for disaster.

Forgive me if I sound harsh. But this is vitally important. If you do the wrong thing, you can destroy many lives - you, your wife, your child, the other woman, and whoever else may become involved. It can spread through persons and affect generations and you don't see the full extent of how much damage might be done until decades later sometimes. It can bring so much hurt, you may never feel you can repent enough for all those lives. Run away.

God be with you.

 

[mama2one]

pregnancy and going through birth takes a lot out of a women
there's no time to recuperate and take time off when there's a baby needing every moment

while you're at work, you're able to talk with other adults
while a baby is a joy, there's no "conversation" with a 19 mos old
just that alone is very draining (not having adults around)

when our child was little, I spend my whole time with her and did not worry about the house

husband knew our child was more imp. and the house eventually comes back to order once kids head to school

what about cutting your work hrs by an hr and give your wife a break?
that's what my husband did when we became parents
he cut back from 10 hrs to 9 hrs

 

[mama2one]

can guarantee your wife probably feels a whole lot worse about the state of your marriage right now than you do

we attended a marriage encounter preparenthood and the main theme of the "speakers" seemed to be the state of their marriage after children
the wives felt very unappreciated by their husbands

it actually concerned me as we weren't parents yet
but husband and I went into parenthood as a team

you need to be a team player re parenthood
if you're concerned about your wife and child, you'd have no eyes for another

 

[thecolorsblend]

You married your wife for a reason. Remember those reasons. She's your wife and you made a promise.

As to this woman you have feelings for, it's an affliction common to all. Still, it's probably best for you to avoid her as much as you can. Nothing good can come from spending a lot of time with her.

 

[All4Christ]

Once when I was single but in a horrible relationship, I became friends with a man whose wife was a drunk, drug-addict, neglectful of his child and more. My ex was abusive in certain ways. We both were emotionally damaged at the time, and we were drawn to each other emotionally to have someone to talk to. At first, it was just two friends talking, but soon I started to feel a deeper connection to him. After all, I rationalized, we both are in bad situations and need someone to share our neglected emotional needs! I was soon convicted that no matter what, it was purely wrong for me to continue - since we both were putting our emotional trust in each other while he was still married. Even if I wasn’t in a marriage myself, I wouldn’t be acting as his friend if we continued in that relationship. My act as being a friend was stepping back and trying to connect him with my friend’s husband instead of myself.

It’s not the same, but I know the temptation can be great. It is purely wrong though and is extremely spiritually damaging on many levels to you, your wife, your child, your friend, and more.

I recommend saying something like “Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner” every time you are tempted to confide in this other girl. Avoid even the appearance of evil and pursue your relationship with your wife and family.

 

[dreadnought]

I've read through a few threads on here and the one that really hit me hard was from user
flipspecial. It really broke me to pieces and I had a complete meltdown yesterday reading it. My situation is a little different. My wife and I have been married now for 10 years and we now have a 19 month old baby. It started out great and we we're having the time of our lives until out of nowhere, things started to go downhill meaning she didn't want to have sex as much, we didn't communicate as well, we didn't spend money wisely and so on. To be brief, she was a professing believer when we married, I was not, but didn't know it until some years later when God convicted me during a revival we we're attending. I professed but didn't posses until this revival. After this my life was changed and so was our marriage. Even still, she doesn't show hardly any interest in sex, shows very little care to do things around the house and so on. I admit I haven't been perfect either but I do my part as in manly things and always make sure she has everything she needs. Every since the baby, things went from bad to worse. She dedicates everything to this baby and I completely understand why, they're an amazing gift from God. However since the baby her negligence for me as her husband has went to full throttle. I work 10-12 hr days and come home to no meal. After she puts the baby to sleep, I want to have sex which she huffs and puffs about and sometimes will but most of the time just goes to bed leaving me hanging. I say all that to give you an idea of what our marriage looks like before I go into this new situation I'm in. The past few weeks have been the worst pain emotionally I've ever experienced. I believe it's God convicting me of the feelings I'm having but I need help and prayer because it's killing my inside. I feel like vomiting thinking about it. I can't hardly eat anything, my work performance is awful because I can't focus.

There is a coworker of mine that I've worked with now for about 18 months. Up to this point there has been absolutely nothing between us, just a typical work "good morning" and on about your day until about 2 weeks ago I could see she was very shaken about something. Me being the softy I am, asked her if she was ok. Well it let loose a hour long discussion about how her fiance was a drunk and treated her like crap and so on. Well I know her fiance personally and he is a troubled individual and she deserves much better. She is also a professing Christian that attends church regularly and lives the Christian life. Well after talking with her that day, I felt a connection with her like I've never felt before. I felt like I needed to continue to help her through her situation. Since this day, we started texting and talking on the phone about our situations helping each other with experience and scriptures. Well in my current state with my marriage hanging on a thread, something was happening I didn't realize until yesterday reading through Flip's thread. I saw the term "limerence" and after googling it I was like...that's not me because I'm not obsessed or infatuated for her, she just checks all of the boxes I want for a wife. My wife used to check all of the boxes but something has changed and she doesn't seem to care anymore. This friend of mine has told me over and over that she doesn't want me to leave my wife her for but if I did she was there. She keeps telling me that I need to pray and listen to God which I am doing. Yesterday I poured out my heart go God and told him, whatever it takes to lift this burden, pain, and conviction, do it because I'm at the end of my ropes. This friend of mind is a great person, she comes from a past similar to mine as in moved out early and forced to grow up sooner than most people. I don't really believe in divorce but have been studying on biblical principles that allow it because I have a hard time believing God wants people to remain miserable. I know that God hates divorce and that it's probably not the best way to go simply because of the pain, confusion and devastation it causes. There is absolutely nothing physical between us, it's nothing sexual, just emotional attachments right now. I feel deep down that because of my covenant to God and my wife, regardless of whether I'm happy or not that I'm obligated to honor it.

First, please pray for me, I'm in inner turmoil and can't function like this. I believe my brain is telling me what's right based on truth and my sinful heart is being deceived.
What I'm worried about is, that if I end this friendship and walk away that I'm missing out on something that could've been. She is a wonderful and strong person that I could easily be with because she possess everything I long for. Sometimes it feels like holiness trumps happiness. I have a hard time believing God wants someone to be miserable just to stay married. I've been praying for a long time to heal the marriage but nothing changes. To add to my mess, in my breakdown yesterday, I came out and told my wife what all I was feeling and why I believed I'm feeling like I am. She confessed to me her shortcomings and that she has put the baby first instead of God and would work to put God back first, then me, then the baby. This isn't the first time she's said this and nothing changed.

Please, if anyone has similar experience, help me.

Thank you.

If you allow yourself to have lustful feelings towards another woman, you are on the way to ruining your life.

 

[Pilgrim Passing Thru]

My dear brother, I getcha! So glad to hear you are trying to fight this! Very familiar with neglect, also abuse, in marriage...and the strong temptation, when treated kindly by an opposite sex co-worker or a kind Christian. I have twice told on myself, TO THE SPOUSE of the person I was attracted to. The other time, went immediately to someone I respected in the church to set up accountability.
I have another suggestion, as a female. Tell your wife you love her (fill-in-the-blank body part) - it's just perfect. Walk up behind her in the kitchen and gently stroke her neck, play with her hair a little, and walk away. Admire something else about her the next day. If her main "attitude problem" is that she needs more of your time and attention, see what you can do. Figure out her "love language", do something she likes. Approach sex like a guy on a date who is trying to gradually seduce the girl - ALL EVENING. Did you stare at your phone or the TV the whole time then? Or did you look in her eyes, ask her about her day, and etc? Get the book...sex begins in the kitchen. It's difficult to resist those who find us attractive and desirable...and this is what's going on with the co-worker. You can set up the exact same dynamic...with your wife!

 

[BoBoMan]

Thank you all. Ya'll have confirmed what my brain and that soft gentle voice has been telling me all along. Even though we're saved and set free, this flesh we wear daily tries it's best to grab a hold of us at times. I've never experienced anything this powerful and strong before. God is showing me His power right now as He dissolves these emotions and feelings for this woman. I just ask you all to keep praying for me as I focus on my marriage and family as it's not going to be easy. Satan knows my weaknesses and will work harder now that I'm resisting his attempts.

Again, thank you all for your comments and words. They have helped me see the Truth. As hard as it's going to be, I know that if I just trust God, he will make my paths straight.