Marriage in Trouble

[Drew1986]

How, exactly, does your wife expect to be "fed"?

Through small groups, Christian friends her own age, and singing solo songs during contemporary worship services. She says since she has been attending another church the last 2 weeks she feels "filled".

At least that is the reasoning she gives.

 

[LilLamb219]

Through small groups, Christian friends her own age, and singing solo songs during contemporary worship services. She says since she has been attending another church the last 2 weeks she feels "filled".

At least that is the reasoning she gives.

That's not what being "fed" is, as I'm sure YOU know. But she doesn't. She enjoys the social aspects of her new church life. That's different. It's a shame that these contemporary services and the churches that have a need for them entice people away from what TRULY matters, making them think they're advancing in their faith

 

[QuiltAngel]

I will continue to keep you in my prayers Drew. It sounds like she wants it her way or not at all. This is not how marriages work. Keep us updated and know that your online family here is praying for you and your wife.

 

[Drew1986]

Hi everyone. I wanted to provide another update to the situation. Sadly, it isn't a good one. 2 weeks ago I checked her computer and discovered that she was still talking to the ex-boyfriend on a regular basis for several months. I confronted her about it again and she lied for 2 hours until I showed her her own browser history. She then confessed that she had been talking to him "as a friend" but refuses to show me what was said between them. I confronted the man via E-mail and he also refuses to tell me what was said between them.

I told her I wanted to forgive her but I need to know what happened but she won't tell me. I asked to her to keep going to marriage counseling with me but she refuses to continue. To make matters even more difficult she now says she is absolutely moving back to her hometown in Pennsylvania in the spring.... which is 20 minutes from where the other guy lives. She demands that I go with her or the marriage is essentially over. I don't feel comfortable moving there for several reasons and I think that will place me in circumstances that will make it nearly impossible for me to trust her, as persistent as the other guy has been in perusing my wife. I know I need to try all I can to save my marriage, I just don't know that what she is demanding is reasonable and I think that it will be detrimental to my well-being if I go out there. Please pray for me. This is such a train-wreck at this point.

 

[LilLamb219]

She's giving you an ultimatum, give her one back I say

Agree to move to Pennsylvania with her for the sake of the marriage if she agrees to fully reveal all passwords to ALL her accounts and keeps NOTHING private from you from now on...again for the sake of the marriage. If she rejects your ultimatum, you know she has no desire to keep the marriage going at all.

Hi everyone. I wanted to provide another update to the situation. Sadly, it isn't a good one. 2 weeks ago I checked her computer and discovered that she was still talking to the ex-boyfriend on a regular basis for several months. I confronted her about it again and she lied for 2 hours until I showed her her own browser history. She then confessed that she had been talking to him "as a friend" but refuses to show me what was said between them. I confronted the man via E-mail and he also refuses to tell me what was said between them.

I told her I wanted to forgive her but I need to know what happened but she won't tell me. I asked to her to keep going to marriage counseling with me but she refuses to continue. To make matters even more difficult she now says she is absolutely moving back to her hometown in Pennsylvania in the spring.... which is 20 minutes from where the other guy lives. She demands that I go with her or the marriage is essentially over. I don't feel comfortable moving there for several reasons and I think that will place me in circumstances that will make it nearly impossible for me to trust her, as persistent as the other guy has been in perusing my wife. I know I need to try all I can to save my marriage, I just don't know that what she is demanding is reasonable and I think that it will be detrimental to my well-being if I go out there. Please pray for me. This is such a train-wreck at this point.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

She's giving you an ultimatum, give her one back I say

Agree to move to Pennsylvania with her for the sake of the marriage if she agrees to fully reveal all passwords to ALL her accounts and keeps NOTHING private from you from now on...again for the sake of the marriage. If she rejects your ultimatum, you know she has no desire to keep the marriage going at all.

LilLamb is correct, although I do hate ultimatums in a marriage. Sometimes they are needed as a wake up call.

Right now, your wife is doing all this because you've continued to let her. Somehow, that has to stop.

 

[DaRev]

The whole "we're just talking as friends" thing is a ruse. I've seen and heard this same line a number of times, and every one of them is a sign of romantic interest. She wants to move back to be closer to him.

It sounds like the only way she wants your marriage to continue is for you to give in to her. "If you love me, you'll move with me." "If you want our marriage to work, you'll do as I ask." She cares nothing for you or your position in this matter. You have made an attempt to save it by seeking counseling, but she wants no part of that.

The bottom line is she wants out, but she wants to be able to pin it on you. "You don't want to move back with me. You don't want me to be happy. It could have worked if you had done as I asked." In my opinion, from what I'm hearing, as far as she is concerned the marriage is already over. She just wants it to be your call so she can pass blame on you.

Hold your ground and continue in prayer.

 

[Drew1986]

The whole "we're just talking as friends" thing is a ruse. I've seen and heard this same line a number of times, and every one of them is a sign of romantic interest. She wants to move back to be closer to him.

It sounds like the only way she wants your marriage to continue is for you to give in to her. "If you love me, you'll move with me." "If you want our marriage to work, you'll do as I ask." She cares nothing for you or your position in this matter. You have made an attempt to save it by seeking counseling, but she wants no part of that.

The bottom line is she wants out, but she wants to be able to pin it on you. "You don't want to move back with me. You don't want me to be happy. It could have worked if you had done as I asked." In my opinion, from what I'm hearing, as far as she is concerned the marriage is already over. She just wants it to be your call so she can pass blame on you.

Hold your ground and continue in prayer.

This is what I am wrestling with. It is becoming all too apparent to me that she wants out, but doesn't want the blood on her hands. My issue is whether or not to file for legal separation. Or keep holding out. I have already given up my future (seminary) and already lost my job due to telling them I would be leaving for seminary after September 1. Our lease also ends September 1st so it is literally a chess game. So in essence I have lost everything, and now she wants me to move away. I really don't feel comfortable signing another lease with her. I feel sick and just wish this would all end And now, even my Mom is saying to me that she understands why my wife is doing what she is doing because I am "too extreme" about my faith and my church.

 

[Tangible]

While I believe a Christian should not seek divorce, there are scriptural guidelines about allowing an unbelieving spouse to leave. If she is pursuing a relationship with another man and is unrepentant, she is acting in unbelief. If she wants to move away and is willing to leave you behind, perhaps it would be best to just let her go.

 

[Drew1986]

That is where I am leaning. If she is just trying to get me to divorce her and refuses to cut the cord, am I to be "responsible" for seeking out divorce if I cut the cord for her?

 

[alexnbethmom]

That is where I am leaning. If she is just trying to get me to divorce her and refuses to cut the cord, am I to be "responsible" for seeking out divorce if I cut the cord for her?

no - she would be the "responsible party", she has (apparently) abandoned her vows - this would be a case of abandonment and adultery, which are the two biblical reasons for divorce. you have attempted to heal the marriage on numerous occasions, and it appears she has fought you every step of the way. a marriage is not all give or all take, and by her essentially saying "it's her way or the highway", and basically "to hell with your faith or your calling", there really isn't much left to do....

nobody should throw the towel in lightly or quickly when it comes to marriage - but you have tried and tried and tried....

 

[Drew1986]

I went in to talk about the possibility of legal separation after she got home today and she told me not to bother because she is filing for divorce and has been talking to a lawyer. I told her that I still wanted this to work and still wanted to go to counseling but she said she is "too tired" and doesn't want to pay the $50 a session to do so. I even said I would consider moving to PA if she would be totally transparent, continue counseling, and reveal the conversations between her and the other man and she still said she just needs to be alone because she is so sick of hurting and hurting me. She said she has been praying constantly and that God is leading her to this place and that she is leaving the Lutheran church and is tired of "holding me back". Essentially, I embraced her and said I disagreed with her outlook and reasoning and wished that she saw things differently. I told her I didn't want this but I couldn't make her stay. I also said the door will remain open to reconcile should she decide to return and that regardless of what she does she is my wife and I love her and that she doesn't have to feel like she can never hope to reconcile. I feel I have tried very hard and held on as long as I could. Although I am very sad and very scared I feel a sort of peace that I am able to put it all on the table. Thank you all for the support you have given me. Please keep praying.

 

[Luther073082]

Sorry to hear that Drew, will pray for you both.

 

[DaRev]

She said she has been praying constantly and that God is leading her to this place and that she is leaving the Lutheran church and is tired of "holding me back".

She's leaving her husband and leaving the Church. It's not God who is leading her at all. God would lead her to her husband and to Himself. She's going in the opposite direction.

Prayers will continue for you both.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

She's leaving her husband and leaving the Church. It's not God who is leading her at all. God would lead her to her husband and to Himself. She's going in the opposite direction.

Prayers will continue for you both.

 

[Drew1986]

Thank you all. Today has been tough. A lot of emotions. One day at a time I guess.

 

[Till]

Drew,
I hope you do not mind me chipping in here but I have my share of experience with being in an inter-confessional marriage and thought I could provide a different angle which might be helpful.

Marriage is not the place for confessional debates. Neither in my own marriage nor that of others have I seen any good coming out of such confrontations and debates. In a marriage you give each other acceptance and security. That is its purpose.

I hope you do not mind my frankness but how could you even imagine becoming a Lutheran pastor with your wife - whom you chose as your partner. Partner for life- not being a Lutheran and obviously for the time being not being comfortable in the Lutheran church. Now you might think she is wrong - and I would probably agree with you - but it is not your job to change her opinion. Her insistence of "needing" different kind of services is a sign of spiritual immaturity. But it is not a sin.

Her showing interest in an ex-boyfriend is of course totally unacceptable and you should not accept it. But you should also ask yourself whether you have given your wife the acceptance and love she needs and deserve. Could she tell you how she felt about the church you attended? Again, I am not saying her feelings about the church are correct. But they are real and have to be accepted as being her feelings. Reading your sentence "She knew the kind of life I wanted to pursue before we got married and she agreed, and now she completely flipped the script" and the language you use in there - she flipped the script - makes me wonder whether you really accepted your wife and who she is. Inconsistencies and all.

 

[Drew1986]

Hi Till,

No doubt there have been times where I have expressed frustration with her and her inconsistency regarding these matters. Nevertheless, I made it a point over and over again before we were married to let her know that joining the Lutheran Church was not a necessity for her if she did not feel comfortable. She not only joined, but enthusiastically joined. She went through instruction and was confirmed well before we were married. What's more is that I did not "pursue" the ministry in a vaccuum, but under the care of our pastor who was our mentor. She did express subtle concerns about certain things, but she always reassured me that she would pray about them and that I needed to trust her. These concerns were addressed at our district interview and the both of us left feeling confident in our plans, as did the interviewing board who reccommended us. I would not have chosen to pursue this calling had she and I, and those around us, not been confident in it and when issues did surface, I immediately revoked my application indefinitely. I would not and am not intending on pursuing the ministry with her on a different spiritual page, and even if I wanted to I couldn't attend as they do not allow M.Div students whose wives are of a different confession. Maybe I am just gullible but when my wife answers my concerns with "trust me", I did so.

The "flipping the script" language has to be read in the context of what is going on, that she reassured me in the direction of our lives until the last possible minute, and then revealed her relationship with another man, told me she is moving away, and told me she wanted a divorce. Of course there are things that I could have been more patient and understanding about, which is why I want to continue counseling that she refuses to attend. I suppose I could be guilty of marrying somebody in light of them sharing the same goals and wanting to pursue the same things in life, but I would have to ask if I should have married somebody who didn't? I could only go by what she told me.

 

[Luther073082]

Drew,
I hope you do not mind me chipping in here but I have my share of experience with being in an inter-confessional marriage and thought I could provide a different angle which might be helpful.

Marriage is not the place for confessional debates. Neither in my own marriage nor that of others have I seen any good coming out of such confrontations and debates. In a marriage you give each other acceptance and security. That is its purpose.

I hope you do not mind my frankness but how could you even imagine becoming a Lutheran pastor with your wife - whom you chose as your partner. Partner for life- not being a Lutheran and obviously for the time being not being comfortable in the Lutheran church. Now you might think she is wrong - and I would probably agree with you - but it is not your job to change her opinion. Her insistence of "needing" different kind of services is a sign of spiritual immaturity. But it is not a sin.

Her showing interest in an ex-boyfriend is of course totally unacceptable and you should not accept it. But you should also ask yourself whether you have given your wife the acceptance and love she needs and deserve. Could she tell you how she felt about the church you attended? Again, I am not saying her feelings about the church are correct. But they are real and have to be accepted as being her feelings. Reading your sentence "She knew the kind of life I wanted to pursue before we got married and she agreed, and now she completely flipped the script" and the language you use in there - she flipped the script - makes me wonder whether you really accepted your wife and who she is. Inconsistencies and all.

Couldn't the same question be asked of her. She did in fact know what the future plans where and was ok with them. Then she changed her mind.

As far as inter-confessional marriage is concerned, the only thing I could say is I would advise the most extreme and strongest caution about doing so. Especially in regard to the so called "evangelical" types.

 

[Till]

Couldn't the same question be asked of her. She did in fact know what the future plans where and was ok with them. Then she changed her mind.

Of course. But she is not here. And she is the woman.

We as men have special responsbility and we should always ask us what we have done wrong when there is a problem. Have we loved our women and children enough? Have we given them the spiritual care they need? Have we protected them? Even from their own stupidity? Drew told us how his wife and that other guy, let's call him the SOB, were behaving inapprobriately. He should have made a scene. He should maybe even have knocked out the SOB.

Drew, don't give up on your marriage and you wife. Obviously I do not know you but I wonder whether saying to her that your door is still open for her is enough. Does she know that you actually WANT her back? Because you desparately love her. Even though she is so silly and stupid and immature. Does she know that she is the greatest, sexiest and most beautiful girl in the world for you. Because you want and need to be with her. Oh, and maybe it is not too late to go and knock out that SOB before he causes more damage.