Marital Testimony

[Ana the Ist]

If it's going to build up in love then go ahead.

That really depends on the way you're going to take this post. Lemme start by saying that it's not possible to put every single moment of your relationship into writing...so if I say something that seems off, because of reasons you didn't write about, I apologize. I can only go off of what you've written here...and your other threads.

Also, keep in mind there's what you write...and what people read. They aren't the same. You see the events one way...other people see them another. Seeking out other viewpoints is helpful in seeing how other people view your situation...but they won't ever see it exactly as you do. I hope that's clear.

It's odd to me that you've written "your testimony" and there's so little about your wife. I've heard a lot about you...very little about her. Why is that? If it's because you'd rather not have people judging her, I can understand that, but this is a problem between two people...and as long as we only understand one person, she'll always be a mystery. That said, you come off really condescending here...and I hope you don't speak this way to her. It's the whole "I've left her behind spiritually" thing...and maybe you don't mean it this way...but it sounds like you believe you're on the "right path" and you're much further along that path than she is...like she's somewhere way behind you. That's not the way you see it, is it?

Consider this, she met you and began to have feelings for you as an agnostic. Three months into the relationship, she asks if you are ok with her beliefs. As someone who's had that conversation with every serious girlfriend I've had (and my wife) what she was really trying to say is "you're ok with me believing what I believe...because I'm ok with you believing what you believe, right?" You said you were fine with her beliefs...then you spent the next several years trying to change them. Pretty messed up, right? After all, her beliefs didn't change...yours did. I know you think you're trying to "lead" her as a good christian husband...but she didn't sign up for that. She got involved with an agnostic...so I think it's worth considering that she never felt like she needed you to lead her spiritually at all.

When she met you, you probably came off as confident, self-assured, charming, passionate about your interests, etc. You weren't too concerned about a new relationship, you were just out of a serious relationship, so you probably came off a certain way to her. Then you changed a lot in her eyes...

You mentioned trying to fill the void in your life with relationships with women...then Christ...and frankly, that doesn't sound confident or self assured. It sounds insecure and emotionally needy. What's this void you're trying to fill? It sounds like you got into a relationship to fill it...then you tried to fill it with Christ and started to neglect your relationship...now that you're losing your relationship it sounds like you're willing to do anything to keep it. What's going on with you? It sounds like a pattern of throwing yourself into something to fix some problem with yourself...finding out the problem isn't fixed...then throwing yourself into something else.

You see what I'm saying? If this is what she's been seeing for the past 8 years...she's probably realized that you aren't really the confident, self assured, independent, emotionally stable guy she thought you were. If I were her, I know what I'd be thinking...

Have you really abandoned this reformed theology stuff that drove a wedge between you two? Or when she recommits herself to this marriage...are you just going to wait until things have "gone back to normal" in your eyes and then start right back into it and maybe try a different approach to "leading" her? Are you ok with her never believing in what you believe and can you be happy with her for who she is now? Or if you get her back, will you keep trying to change her beliefs?

If you truly don't care what she believes...have you told her you were wrong? Did you mention how all the arguments over scripture were your fault and you will be happy no matter what she believes?

The way you talk about her...how you want god to change her "heart"...how this whole problem is all your fault...makes her sound like a passive background character in all of this. Did you thank her for posting that photo of you two online? God didn't do that...she did...

No woman wants to be treated like some accessory to your life. She doesn't want you to change her into someone who needs you to lead her. I know that maybe it's just the way you write about her...and maybe that's not how it is in real life...like I said earlier, there's what you write and what people read.