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Marital Testimony

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by ChristopherK, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    **LONG POST**

    God be with you all!

    On another thread, some brethren suggested that I not only discuss my present situation w/ my wife regarding separation, but me entire testimony instead...so here we go.

    I was born-again in September 2008. Prior to that, I was raised Roman Catholic and later became agnostic (as most of us) when ended High School and into my College years. I was finding my validation in relationships with women. I only had 4 serious relationships (including my wife), but I would invest myself completely into the relationship. Outside of that, if I wasn't dating, I would flirt with many women and just have "fun" (sometimes beyond kissing).

    3 months before meeting my wife, I got out of a relationship where I was heavily invest in-heart to my ex-girlfriend who was leaving the U.S. back to her home country in Brazil. It was a heart-breaker, but it wasn't like we ended it because one of mistreated the other. Anyway, after that I spent my time clubbing, chilling w/ friends, and speaking w/ women up until I met my wife. The night I met her I didn't really want to go out, but my two childhood friends wanted to chill w/ some of their friends from College so I went. Providentially, my wife went to the same school and came out with them. When I first saw her I initially said in my head, "There's something I want to get to know about her", but I just didn't know what it was so I acted like I didn't really care. We flirted for a little bit but I thought she may have gotten along better w/ another friend of mine and didn't pay too much mind to it. Besides, I had to go see some other friends who wanted to chill so I left about an hour in. Maybe an hour or two later I get a text from my childhood friend saying she was interested in me, and that I should come back. So I left where I was and went back to their College friends' apartment where they were. I was physically there but mentally not, because I was still dealing with my previous break-up, but that actually attracted her to me more, because she has said before that though I physically gave off this attractive confident vibe, I seemed to give off more of a depth to her than surface looks. At the end of the night I nonchalantly asked her, "Listen, if you don't want to go out then don't worry about it, but if you're interested, great, if not, don't worry about it." Again, she liked that because I put no pressure on it, and wasn't being too forward. So she agreed.

    Our first date was hysterical. I took her to a jazz club in NYC, and though everything went wrong, it all seemed to fit for us. I ordered her the wrong drink, burned her w/ my cigarette (we both smoked at the time) while we had our first kiss. We met this other couple there that night from out-of-country and they even asked us how long we were together because we gave off a vibe that we've been together for a long time. It was a great night. We continued to date over the summer, and about 3 months in she finally told me that before we could go any further, that I needed to know she was a Christian and asked if I was okay with that. Again, I grew up Roman Catholic and was in church all the time so I was fine with it. However, she was Pentecostal and went to a non-denominational church, so for me to be around people freely worshiping God was a loOoOoT different, haha! Where God met me was when I told my wife that I was an actor (since 2005), and providentially, the Church she attended was putting on a play. So I auditioned for it and got the part of...Satan lol! What happened though was that I got to watch these people called 'Christians' who I previously thought were fanatical and just got to see that they loved God and loved each other in Christ. I realized that while I was seeking my own self-worth and validation in women, that I could instead find that completely in Christ. So I told my then girlfriend, 'I think I want to be saved." So she took me over to the Pastor and he prayed over me and I repeated that sinner's prayer, and then that's where it all began. I started to read the Word for myself, pray, and it was like I realized the sky was blue for the first time. My personality is like that of if I am passionate about something, I give my all to it. So I dove head-first into Christianity. Unfortunately, that's where it also began where I would not heed my wife's voice because I wanted to learn and grow more instead of walk with the Lord slow and steady. My relationship w/ my family was strained because I would always talk about Scripture. They thought ultimately that they were losing their son and that it had to do w/ this "new woman". My wife has never really felt accepted by my parents, and I have since been very close to her family, because they are of a Christian household.

    While attending that Church, I met a brother who said that he was a Reformed Christian. He then exposed me to the 5 Solas and TULIP and took me under his wing of understanding the entirety of the Gospel. That fed my appetite to grow even though my then girlfriend was encouraging me to slow down because I was a baby in Christ. Unfortunately, I didn't listen, which made my wife feel like I was leaving her behind spiritually while I was only intending to grow as a man so that I could best lead her in Christ. However, I would realize that it was only going to push her away, because I was becoming someone different than who God already made me to be.

    Years past, and I was always preaching the Gospel on the street and witnessing to others. I was encouraged because of people like George Whitefield who previously was an actor as well, and used his talents to preach the Word. My wife and I would occasionally debate about Scripture, but I didn't think much of it, because I loved her and knew that she was by my side. However, I was blind to how though she was there physically, spiritually I had left her behind.

    I proposed to her, and we got married on October 29, 2011. All was well, but over time, the debates would turn into arguments, and we ended up not being able to really pray together or read the Word together, because we were uncomfortable. I had replaced my relationship with theological pharisee-ism. Later on, I began to fellowship more with Reformed brethren, and even began working w/ a Reformed Christian clothing company because I am an artist, and was helping create logos. This entire time, though I would love on my wife and treat her to dates, buy her things and talk about how much I loved her, I didn't see all the verbal abuse I'd cause from our arguments, because it was tearing down every part of who she already was. I just didn't see the damage I was causing.

    It was a struggle to find a Church where we both felt comfortable. We knew that we both wanted to leave the Church I was saved from because they were becoming increasingly worldly. We finally found a Church that our two friends (husband/wife) were attending which was an AoG Church. I was at the point where, though I wouldn't fully agree theologically, I still wanted to make an effort w/ my wife, so we began to worship there close to 2 years ago now.

    Our final fight which was at the end of October 2016, was about Reformed theology and how I just said, "I'm going to believe what I believe." I was becoming more frustrated because over the years I felt like my wife wasn't supporting me and would only critique, so I finally said, "I don't even want to go home with you right now." A couple days later after silence, she finally said the words that broke my whole world. "I think we should separate." It was then that God unveiled my eyes to what was going on. Since November 2016 until now, I've been pruned from Reformed theology, have just clung to the simplicity of the Gospel, and have sought for the Word of God and His Spirit to transform me from the inside out. My wife, however, committed an emotional affair w/ someone from her work last year, and grew in her feelings towards him. This entire time has not been easy, and my wife has still mentioned separation. After kissing her recently, she has said, "It just doesn't feel the same." She said that she loves me, but not in the same way. She's stopped confiding in our close Christian circle of friends (only 4) about us, because she knows what she's going to hear and is not ready to hear it. She speaks w/ some women from work, but I fear they may be telling her what she wants to hear instead of what would honor God. However, I've seen that over these 8 months the unconditional love that I have for her is steadfast and will not go anywhere. I've stumbled in my walk throughout, whether it be smoking cigarettes or occasional pornography, but God has consistently been weaning me away and digging deeper within me. I've been consistently praying for my wife, our marriage, and myself throughout this entire time, as well as close Christian circle. Presently the prayer has been that God would circumcise my wife's heart regarding our marriage and that she would restore faith in it again. She has mentioned still that she doesn't trust me, but I've been seeking to show her otherwise. She's mentioned that maybe this is just a life lesson that we shouldn't regret. I've responded w/ I don't want her to feel like this marriage is a prison, but I also believe that if we make it through this that our relationship would be so much stronger and deeper because of it; that I choose to hope that over time she may impart to me a little bit of her trust where I could slowly show her that she can believe in me again. I'm no longer trying to become a "super Christian", but just want to be myself and walk with Christ accordingly.

    It was interesting, because today I received a P/C from my Aunt who is a nonbeliever and was talking negative things about how sometimes things don't work out and that before anything happens or if it does that I should get my jewelry back. I told her that I made a covenant to my wife and that I'd hold onto it until otherwise. I was on the verge of breaking down after that, but then I received a text from my two friends that my wife had posted the first picture of us on Instagram. Presently, I'm super excited and see this as a answer to prayer from a couple days ago. I certainly pray that God truly is beginning to work within my wife and that over time He restores our marriage. Until then I will continue to remain patient and not overcrowd my wife about us. Only God knows what will happen, but I will always choose to believe the best, because she's worth the fight. No matter how long it takes, this woman who I've known for almost 10 years now is no accident. She isn't a life lesson that I can simply move on from. She's my wife, and she's worth m sacrificing myself for. If Jesus Christ has done that for us, then how could I do anything less (Eph. 5:25-26).

    So, I'd ask you all to please continue to keep us in prayer and believe the best for us. Any Godly advice is welcome. God be with you all.
     
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  2. 4x4toy

    4x4toy Newbie Supporter

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    Hi Chris, I'm praying ..
     
  3. tampasteve

    tampasteve Messianic and Lutheran Staff Member Purple Team - Moderator Supporter

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    Praying for you....

    Why would she not trust you? What do you have to prove? She had the emotional affair. Unless your testimony is missing something then this is a rather confusing statement for her to make. Also, it has been close to 8 months since her initial statement of separation. Honestly, if you have not seen a Christian Marriage and Family counselor with her you need to. You cannot be expected to live in a situation that is ambiguous, her towing you along not making a decision with occasional threats to separate.
     
  4. RoseforChrist

    RoseforChrist Member

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    Praying for you and your wife.
     
  5. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    It may be that she's choosing not to trust me so that she can remain distant. I think she is battling with wanting a new life or investing in our relationship again. I know 8 months seems long, but I put her through a couple years of theological arguments and made her feel like her position was wrong. I have no problem waiting for her. I understand the thought though.
     
  6. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    After reading that, and thanks for the testimony/clarification on a lot of things, my take on what she means by she "doesn't trust him" is that she doesn't want to spend her life being brow-beaten theologically by a religious zealot. She believes, but she doesn't believe that life ought to be spent absolutely pining over every word of the Bible trying to understand every nuance (or being lectured to if her interpretation of something is different).

    In that type of thing, I can understand what she means. I don't discuss religion with people, nor do I welcome people's theological arguments to me. I have my point of view - but in the grand scheme of things I recognize that most likely my view is crap. I believe everyone else's point of view is crap as well...and just as I'm not going to inflict my subjective point of view on others, I don't welcome them inflicting theirs on me and telling me that it carries the weight of God behind it.

    If that's what she feels like she's been subjected to for a number of years, I can see why she would have problems accepting that things have changed (or trusting they had). I had a cousin (who recently passed) that became a born again. His entire life was just consumed by Scripture and interpretation of scripture. Last time we went out together was for my nephew's HS graduation. At dinner afterward, he spent the entire time screaming at me about the Jews in Israel and their part in end-time predictions. I had about enough of him at that dinner, and really never spoke to him after again.

    People would tell me over the years that he had changed, but the whole thing had just left a bad taste in my mouth. What I did know about him was that he continued to talk scripture to everyone, his social media posts were all about scripture, he wrote a screenplay for a movie that was about scripture, soooo, I always kinda viewed it as "Maybe he's learned not to scream at people about the Jews out loud - but he's screaming about them inside" lol

    I dunno man. That's my take on it. She probably wants a life of faith, where faith has it's place in the whole scheme of things...not where everything revolves around faith to that degree. She probably doesn't want it to be uber-religious, and she likely doesn't want to be brow beaten over it. Focus on what she's doing void of any talk about religion.. What movies has she been seeing, what kinds of plans does she have, etc...void of any discussion about faith. I think that's probably the best way to go. :) Best of luck to ya man.
     
  7. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Yeah I've taken a large step back from all of that. I'm just praying that over time she will give me a chance to be how I should've been before. When I learn something it tends to not be forgotten and what happened with us certainly qualifies.
     
  8. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Sis, I pray God gives you wisdom and discernment with knowing how best to glorify Him and show the love of Christ in your marriage. I read your post and honestly the Holy Spirit is probably the only One who can truly lead you accordingly.
     
  9. Solomons Porch

    Solomons Porch Solomon's Porch

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    Is she agreeing to go on any kind of dates with you?
    Or what kind of contact are you guys having at this time? if any?
     
  10. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    We have contact. We talk, but I've stayed away from talking about our marriage. She comes to the gym with me on Saturday's but I'm hoping I can take her on an actual date soon.
     
  11. OK Jeff

    OK Jeff Active Member

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    Thank you for sharing this. I know it's hard when you "snap to" reality and suddenly understand what you've done. I myself was an everyday, falling down drunk. What's worse is I wasn't a jolly drunk either. I knew she'd be angry with me when I came home drunk everyday, so I'd pick a fight with her over absolutely anything, just to put her in the defensive role. She also carried on an emotional affair which may or may not have become physical. Truth is I'm not sure I want to know. I hold none of it against her as I drove her to it. Point is The Lord restored our marriage and he will restore yours to. He can change her heart and make your marriage like it's never been before. But you can't rush it. Unfortunately all you can do at this time is live out your new found clarity and let her see the change in you. Right now she doesn't really know this new you, nor does she trust the change is to stay. I know it's hard, you're probably even physically sick sometimes. But keep your faith in God. Pray to Him honestly, humbly, frequently. Live it out and be patient. A friend told me once, "you made this mess in a pressure cooker but you think you can fix it in the microwave". Just hang in there.
     
  12. Solomons Porch

    Solomons Porch Solomon's Porch

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    Thanks for sharing that and I like that last line btw
    [​IMG]
     
  13. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Wow, that quote from your friend makes complete sense. Amen, I'm glad He restored you guys! That's amazing. I pray the same for us too and yes I definitely intend to remain consistent and give her time to trust me. It's just gonna be a matter of time. Thank you for this bro!
     
  14. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Over the weekend, I kissed her a couple times, but saw that she wasn't really for it. The last time I kissed her on Saturday I simply asked whether she would like me to stop kissing her for now, and she said, "Yeah". I told her a little while later, "I just want you to know that no matter how long it takes, if you can slowly begin to trust me again, what I want is to live a life with you how it should've been lived before I became a Christian zealot." She heard me on it, but didn't say anything back. I truly believe that all of this has happened for me to be content in who I am in Christ and not feel as if I needed to overdue my walk. I'm praying she sees that over time and desires me again.

    Her mother came up from Florida Saturday night and has been staying with us. Some of the family came over yesterday, and I spoke to her older brother for a bit (everyone is for us making it through this on her side of the family). I told him about how she still mentioned separation last weekend and how she thought we should look at this is a life lesson, but I said to him that I don't look at her as a life lesson but as my wife, and if anything these lessons should be FOR our marriage and not against it. He told me that they both talk a lot and to her it's the little things I do. For example, if she looks cold in the car because of the A/C and I turn it a bit warmer, she gets annoyed because I'm focusing too much on her. However, other times he did tell me that she's said, "I do love him" because of moments where I "come out of my face" and have a backbone instead of being so sensitive. So I'm really trying to learn and navigate through this. I'm trying to understand how best to do me while fighting for our marriage, and I'm pretty sure it should just be spent in prayer while I just focus on myself so that she could hopefully become more attracted to me because of my independence. I spoke to her Mom briefly yesterday, and she's praying for us. Thank you guys again for your prayers and for hearing me out. God be with you today!
     
  15. OK Jeff

    OK Jeff Active Member

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    I've been through some of this, come to think of it. I'd forgotten that she had some "annoyances" with me sometimes trying too hard. She still wanted me to be a man, but not jerk. Women are complex aren't they?
     
  16. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    LoL! Indeed they are. Any advice from either yourself or the women on this thread would be most hopeful with understanding how to do these things. What I can see so far is just stop trying so hard to read her and just let her be.

    I'm going to start training a male coworker at my gym today (Monday), Wednesday, and Friday so that should act as a way for me to spend my time well while she has her space. God willing it helps for the better.

    I also plan to go to my Church's Men's Group on Tuesday's. I haven't been for about 2 weeks.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2017
  17. YodaMama

    YodaMama New Member

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    Learn to love her as Christ does!! If you "are" a man of God, following Christ and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in your life each day, then His light will shine in and through you which will attract her unto you. Trust Him and don't be pushy!!
     
  18. YodaMama

    YodaMama New Member

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    You already mentioned pornography...that will make her turn away from you and despise you. Have you asked her for forgiveness?!!
     
  19. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

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    Well, this seems to explain a lot...

    I'd tell you what I think of this post, but it's gonna sound harsh...so I'll ask first if you want to hear some harsh criticism of you personally? We're supposed to address the post and not the poster here, but since the entire post is about you, that's a bit difficult.

    Keep in mind, I don't think anything you've done excuses her betrayal...but your post here does seem to explain a lot.

    If you'd rather not hear my criticism, I'll just say that I hope things continue to look up for you.
     
  20. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    If it's going to build up in love then go ahead.
     
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