lying when not prepared to answer a question

[dayhiker]

So my GF called me as I was going to meet a group of people for a walk. She tends to not like me going with these groups as she thinks I'm going to meet the women. Which I'm not. So she asks me what I'm doing and I tell her I'm going for a walk by myself. I wasn't ready to talk with her about if I should do a walk or not. Nor had I figured out what I'd say but I knew she would expect me to reply. So I lied to her. She found out afterwards and wasn't happy with me.

Later I fessed up as I was ready to talk about it then. Now I don't like to lie, but I find I do it ever so often.

Anyone else have a similar problem, saying something just to get an answer out as its expected. But its not completely true as you haven't had time to think about it yet?

thanks for your thoughts?

 

[hedrick]

It's called being a human being. People stay away from difficult situations. Have you ever noticed that when someone has a problem with someone else, they tell their friends, in fact pretty much everybody except that one person who might be able to do something about it: the one they're having the trouble with.

Lying is a pretty common reaction to not wanting to talk about something or admit something.

I'm not saying it's good. In the long run lying makes it difficult to maintain relationships with people. But still, it's a really common way for people who don't think they can deal with something directly.

 

[dayhiker]

Thanks for your thought, hedrick.
I don't mind being in tough situations ... I can tell the truth then. I've done that a number of times.
Its just when I'm not ready for it, that I somethings have a problem.

 

[cobbler]

You have a girlfriend?! Must be nice….

Yeah, it gets really frustrating when people will not believe what you are saying. You tell them the truth, and then they want to argue with you and require you to “prove” that you are telling the truth, and then they try to argue that your proof is invalid, so you have to prove your proof, and it just goes on and on for 20 minutes and by the time she gives up, you don’t feel like going out anymore. It’s just easier to lie.

You should take the time very soon to sit down with your girlfriend and explain to her how she makes you feel when she questions you about going out. Don’t accuse her of anything, but try to come across in a way that makes her feel like she is helping you out. For example, don’t say, “I don’t like it when you question where I go, you don’t trust me, do you?” Instead turn it around. “When you question me about going out with my friends, it makes me feel like you don’t trust me. It really hurts my feelings when I need to tell you that I am just going out to hang out.

You may also want to see why she doesn’t trust you. It may actually be that she trusts you, but wishes you would spend more time with her, instead of hanging out with the guys. Be prepared for her to confront you about what you are doing. The two of you should really talk.

 

[hedrick]

Thanks for your thought, hedrick.
I don't mind being in tough situations ... I can tell the truth then. I've done that a number of times.
Its just when I'm not ready for it, that I somethings have a problem.

I understand that the unexpected is a particular problem for aspies, but remember that most people have some at least some problem dealing with things they're not ready for. I teach Sunday School for 7th and 8th grade. Now and then we talk about lying. They all lie regularly, even to their parents. Adults do as well, but less often I think. Normally the kids do it to avoid painful consequences, both punishment and other things. But I think part of that is due to inexperience. Over time people become more confident in their ability to handle difficult situations, and with maturity the good ones become more willing to accept consequences of their actions. But even adults sometimes lie when they shouldn't. My conjecture is that like the kids it's normally due to fear, of one sort of another, or as in your case, being in a situation they're unprepared for.

I follow this group, partly because as an IT manager (and in fact as a Sunday School teacher -- I started investigating it a few years ago when I had a 7th grade student who was fairly seriously affected) I see AS more often than many, and partly because I'm near the boundary of AS myself (though I doubt I'd ever be diagnosed as having it). No experiences I've heard here are unknown to the NT population, including yours. It seems to me that Asperger's doesn't create new problems unfamiliar to the rest of the human race. It just exaggerates some things, and makes others more difficult (sometimes much more difficult), how much depending upon the severity of the AS, and of course upon individual differences.

 

[dayhiker]

Thanks for the good comments guys. They were helpful.