Why bother asking my opinion?

[LovebirdsFlying]

It can go either direction, but I'm going to assign genders here, just to make it easier to write.

Husband already has his mind made up he's going to do something. The exact something isn't important. Shaving off his mustache, changing jobs, selling the car, grilling steaks out in the back yard, any action at all, he already knows that's what he's going to do. Whatever his wife has to say on the subject is not going to change his decision in the slightest. It's a done deal. Case closed. Not negotiable.

So why would he bother approaching his wife and asking her opinion about it? "Would you mind if I...." "How would you feel about it if I..."

Seems to me if his mind is already made up, but he wants her to know he's doing it, he should simply inform her that he's doing it. Let's not pretend to care about what she thinks, by asking what she thinks. Just tell her what you're going to do.

"Do you mind if I do XYZ? Oh, you do mind? You don't like it? Well, tough cookies, I'm doing XYZ anyway."
"Then why did you even ask me what I thought about it?"
"Because I care about your opinion."

The words and actions are not meshing here. How can you care about something on one hand, and completely disregard it on the other? Can anybody please help me make it make sense? I'm facing accusations of having a "my way or the highway" attitude, just because I'm upset that my (asked for) opinion didn't make a shred of difference in the decision making. I'm not saying he shouldn't do whatever he wants to do, if that's what he wants to do. I'm not trying to control him. I'm simply trying to say from now on, don't ask me my opinion, unless my opinion is going to actually carry some kind of weight. He doesn't seem to understand. He keeps trying to tell me my opinion does matter, even while he's totally shoving it aside and ignoring it.

Summing up, if you've already decided, then don't ask me. Tell me. Do you agree or disagree?

And just out of curiosity, flip the genders, and would you still agree or disagree?

 

[snoochface]

I've had the same issue with my husband, and honestly I've had to change my outlook about it. If both of our opinions matter equally, and we want completely opposite things, one of us is not going to get their way. It's either going to be what he wants or what I want. And since both of our opinions matter equally, sometimes it's not going to go my way, and sometimes it won't go his way, but that doesn't mean we didn't consider the other's opinion. We usually weigh things on a scale of 1 - 10. If something is a 3 for me, and it's an 8 for him, it's likely going to ultimately go his way because it means more to him than it does to me.

I think the problem comes with a lot of this considering of opinions happening mentally instead of our loud. It gives the appearance of one of our opinions not being considered at all, when it actually was - it just didn't go in their favor. Talking through it out loud makes the most sense for resolving that, but very often that doesn't happen for whatever reason.

This is a sensitivity I've had to try to turn off, honestly, because if considering my opinion means the issue goes my way, then it's not really a consideration of my opinion so much as it is asking permission - and I say no, so the answer is no. And that's not fair to him. If I feel strongly enough about something, I'll make my case for it, and I expect him to do the same. But one of us is going to be the ultimate chooser, and it's not always going to be me.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I think a large part of the problem is that both of our opinions DON'T matter equally. Mine doesn't matter at all.

Early on in our marriage, we tried to establish a policy that for something to be done, it has to have two yes votes. A no from either one of us, and it doesn't happen. The trouble is, he's a whole lot more likely to say no than I am. I'm more flexible. So in practice, if we both want something, it happens. If he wants it, and I'd kind of rather not, but I want him to be happy, it happens. If I want it, and he'd kind of rather not, he doesn't care if I'm happy. It doesn't happen.

And in this particular instance, my no vote is right out the window.