Lost in the Darkness

[LigerHeart25]

Hello everyone...... I'm new to the forums so I guess I'll make my introduction short and brief. I am a 25 year old young male and I recently converted from Catholicism to Christianity. I have been born again since about last summer and i have enjoyed my time in the warmth of God very peacefully. My whole life I have liked women and I never had any desire to be with a man. I have had girlfriends in the past who I have adored, many crushes, and yes (excuse the inappropriateness) sexual relationships and encounters with them. This being all before I was born again. But about a year ago my whole life changed for the worst up until I met God and now it has been very turbulent.
I graduated from school back in 2014 and I began to exercise and lift weights regularly to get back in shape from my time all spent studying. I had my whole life ahead of me thinking that everything would go fine. I was much insecure back then and not confident of myself at all. I was watching a show infamously known as "Game of Thrones" where they show various nude sex scenes. One day I was watching an episode where they showcased two men having sexual relationships and I felt a spark twitch in my head and for some reason I guess I felt aroused down in my groin area. My head and mindset of course was just like what the heck!? As time passed by I felt as if for some reason I was getting more and more aroused by men and my love and attraction for women was fading away. I kept seeing images and sexual scenarios in my head as if watching it from a 3rd person point of view and laughing and enjoying every second of it. I knew then that something was wrong and that this wasn't me. I tried to turn to help to friends who were homosexual to give me advice but they only made things worse because by then i had to accept the idea that this was who i am.
I felt these strong weird and intrusive urges to touch to these images as my erections and body down there had a mind of its own. But lo and behold, Thank the Lord Jesus Christ that I have strong conviction and I managed to hold all of it off and not once did i do it. That was when I made my way to the Lord and sought him out through a friend who is a pastor and told him of my ordeal. Shortly after I became involved in the church and i felt at peace and slowly things seemed to return normal or at least balance themselves out. I then gave my life to the Lord by baptizing myself and being born again in the name of Jesus Christ. The months that followed I had my ups and downs but for the most part I felt very much at peace with myself knowing that I was walking in the Lord's light and that hope had fallen upon me. My girlfriend and I recently broke up because of my decision to follow Christ and since then these blasphemous thoughts and raging frustrating urges have all returned to me! I dont want to be with a man, ive loved women all of my life and so why is it that suddenly i dont have the same spark and attraction that i once did? Sexuality cannot change.... people and society state that if thats what im sexually attracted to then that is what i have to be or go after. My mind races when I try to contain everything and then its as if I HAVE to act on it all. I dont believe in that..... I believe in God, the Bible, his word, and all that is good....... Now its like my mind is numb and i dont like any gender at all and my mind dashes when saying someone is handsome, good looking, etc. To prove that i wasnt or ever will be homosexual i tried to watch porn and noticed that while i love the women and beauty of hetero sex, I wont get as stiff (excuse the vulgarity) as I would with homosexual porn... BUT ITS UNAPPEALING! It wasnt in myself to finish it and it felt so wrong.... something in me just said that this isnt right...... this isnt normal.... and so i went back to hetero porn. I know i shouldnt be looking at porn in the first place but im trying to make it so that i am not attracted to that and i can go back to being my old self. I feel like I lost a big part of my identity and that while Jesus filled it..... the devil is slowly trying to take it away from me......
I dont want to turn back, I want to live my life in faith, and i can happily live my life in solidarity pleasing the Lord but not like this. Not with all these infringing images and thoughts and urges. They say the people who turn back..... they were never with God in the first place.... and I dont want that to be me. I want my life to return back to normal.... to the Life that God granted for me in his eternal and wonderful set of rules that he has laid out as part of his plan for this earth. Someone please anyone help me...... I'm going mad because i dont want any of this.... I will not live out my life the way society dictates. I was fine for a while and now everything seemed to tumble down hill again.... Brothers and sisters..... I need support...

 

[soldierundercommand]

I dont want to turn back, I want to live my life in faith, and i can happily live my life in solidarity pleasing the Lord but not like this. Not with all these infringing images and thoughts and urges.

"I dont want to turn back, I want to live my life in faith, and i can happily live my life in solidarity pleasing the Lord. BUT NOT LIKE THIS. Not with all these INFRINGING IMAGES and THOUGHTS and URGES."

"10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.....(John 10a)

So by your own admission in the above statement, you recognize that you are taking on fire to try and take you out, right? If we are running this race (Hebrews 12:1) AND we know that we have an adversary who shoots fiery arrows at us (Ephesians 6:16), then we can at least find solace in what Peter said in 1 Peter 5:6-11 (emphasis on v.9)

6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 9 Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 11 To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen."

So okay, you know 1) that you are in a race, and 2) that you are receiving fire from the enemy. NOW what? Let's finish Jesus' statement in John 10 AND the writer of Hebrews thought off of verse one of being in the race-

"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10b) Jesus IS your life! Read Matthew 11:28-30 and then do what Mary found it best to do in Luke 10:39, which was being seated at the feet of Jesus.

"2 LOOKING UNTO JESUS, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2)

I once learned during a walk around a park's narrow path that if I focused on the path I was on, that I was able to meditate on God's word and who He says I am now. BUT, while walking, I noticed how easily distracted I could become looking left and right at women, dogs, listening in on other conversations, ect....And as the walk got more laborous for me (I am not healthy), He had me go one more lap to learn that even when life was downright difficult to walk any longer, if I just focused on Him through the pain, I could finish. To do that, I had to pay extra attention to Him for that last lap, which meant looking at every forward step I took on the path and NEVER looking up where my vision could see other stuff.

My friend, it's a WALK. Don't let yourself get overwhelmed by taking in the panoramic view of the rest of your life forward and how you will handle all the temptations. Go one day at a time. One step at a time if need be. His grace will be enough for you IN your weakness. I promise I have my own battle with lust for sure, so I know. Go back and re read 1 Peter 5:6-11 with the emphasis this time being on verse 10.

As far as the homosexual thoughts.....what you give your thoughts to gives it strength. You KNOW that you adore women, as you admitted. Recognize that when you don't "feel" the same way around women as you once did, that you are to walk by faith (not as you see, but as God sees), and not by your feelings. You may have to deal with these strange thoughts and desires about men, but alas, it's all a smokescreen of delusion to ride you from what you already know that you adore.

There was a scene in Rocky 4 when Rocky was getting pummeled by Ivan Drago. He went back to his corner. The trainer asked Rocky what was happening out there. He said, "I see three of him." Paulie offered, "Hit the one in the middle, Rock!"

Same thing with your issue my friend. There's a woman in the middle (reality) and the illusion of men on either side of her....go for the woman in the middle

 

[LigerHeart25]

Thank you my friend. I really needed to hear that from someone. And yes you are correct in that I get overwhelmed by these thoughts and sinful disgusting desires. There's something in me..... i dont know what......but theres something telling me that I will prevail over this. I will take it one day at a time and I'll never give in. I'll stick close to God even when I think he's not there or listening to me. I made a vow to Jesus and I intend to keep it. Your message was very powerful and it was just the right inspiration that I needed to hear. God Bless you man. It's a tough road..... but not when I have Jesus and people like you as well as other walkers of faith to support me. Thank you.