Looks and Personality

[the_man]

I've noticed something that I'd like us to have an open honest discussion about. It has to do with physical appearance vs personality type.

I noticed that if someone says they are looking for some with x, y and z physical attributes, this person is looked down on or ridiculed for such a view. Almost to the point of whoever reading it takes offense to the preferences of physical attributes (especially when ones attributes don't match the intended). Not everyone can be attracted to us physically...or is that what we want? (ultimately, there are people attracted to everyone physically, this doesnt' seem to be enough).

However, if a person says they are looking for a, b and c personality criteria, this seems to be a less offensive issue among most and we are all willing to think 'well, atleast he/she is not thinking of physical attributes'. We even seem to be perfectly fine with such even if we don't feel we personally match up to a, b and c personality preferences. It seems easier for us to think 'not everyone will get along with my personality and he/she happens to be one of them' (we seemed to be willing to live with that fact, but not the former).

Why is this?

NOTE: Just to mention the obvious, I'm not talking about being attracted (in either sense) to a non believer, luke warm Christian, you name it. We all know these are people we want to avoid. So please none of the "If the person loves God, then that's all that matters". (If that is all that mattered, any Christian could be in relationship with any other Christian of the opposite sex). That's not what this discussion is about. I'm more interested in the finer points that make us individuals (combining our looks with our personalities) and why we feel so strongly about one and not (as much) the other.

 

[chickenfeet]

ha! but physical assets do matter. face it, your not gunna fall head over heals for someone that repulses you. everyone has a preference.. just some ppl keep it hush hush, thinking its un-christ-like to be so vain. c'mon! were all human. its only natural.

i find it funny when christians won't admit to this. most guy's will play the villian.. but christian chicks, take on the "all that matters is whats inside" BS.

 

[chanis]

I have to agree with blue impulse...that physical attraction must be there along with everything else...it's what initially draws you towards a person...sometimes we think that we'll be viewed as shallow for looking for certain physical traits but I think it's important to honest about the certain things that attract us to the opposite sex...

 

[hockeysistah12]

Why do men who claim to be christian, especially those who are young think that physical assets does matter? Unfortunatly, the physical will fade overtime, even men will leave their wives for that very thing because if they have children, they will leave their wives, the same as women leave their husbands. The bible says that "beauty fades overtime, and if people think that you judge someone because of a person's looks are in for a rude awakining.

 

[the_man]

As usually awesome post Blue.

Cultural taboo in the main-stream I suppose. Its considered politically incorrect to judge someone by physical appearance and yet not necessarily so by personality. Is this fair? hmm.. not really sure.

This is the meat of my question...if it is fair, why it is so? And is it justified to be so?

For me it was never about people wanting generalized characters in a person, it was the people looking for barbie dolls that bothered me, and still does. They want someone who meets these *exact* criteria in physique.. but yet it never bothered me people wanting to find someone to meet their personality check list for some reason, and this is probably because I have always believed personality to be more important than physical appearance.. both *are* important on some level, just one more so than the other.

Exactly what I'm talking about. That is, it is easy to shrug your shoulders when they have a personality check list and if you don't meet the exact requirements (usually one thinks, my personality is great and if that is not what you want, your loss). But (and this is directed to you Blue, since you brought this up) Why/How come you can't shrug your shoulders when someone says they want a barbie? (and say, my looks are great and if that is not what you want, your loss).

When your partner's physical appearance changes over the years, what will you do if you were only looking for a barbie doll? Divorce them? People don't look the same over time, its a fact. The chances of personality remaining intact when physique fades is far greater.

I think this is stepping out of the bounds of the topic (i.e choosing someone for looks alone) but I'll adress it. I think what you are implying is that youth is a part of the physical attraction (which if it is, we should all sign up for stepford wives and husbands). It would be ridiculous for me at 21 through the age of 72 that I be attracted to 21 year olds alone. But if I am, I would say the world has the better part of me. (but this is not where the thread was meant to go, so i digress).

 

[the_man]

Why do men who claim to be christian, especially those who are young think that physical assets does matter? Unfortunatly, the physical will fade overtime, even men will leave their wives for that very thing because if they have children, they will leave their wives, the same as women leave their husbands. The bible says that "beauty fades overtime, and if people think that you judge someone because of a person's looks are in for a rude awakining.

This I think is not in the bounds of what I wanted to discuss, but I feel compelled to answer (if not steer the thread back to where I was more interested in).

To claim that physical assets do not matter would be an extreme that I would not like to go. What woman would like to hear the truth from her husband, and that truth being "Honey, I didn't marry you for your looks...because infact if that were the case, we wouldn't be here. I was able to overlook that and marry you because of your personality *smiles*" (yes, it is an extreme case...but that is the ground we currently tread).

Physically attraction (we have to admit) plays some role in these matters. But it cannot be the sole reason. (It would be for the person who marries for looks only the find that she is no longer looks the age she was when they married and decides to marry another).

It would be just as dangerous to marry for personality alone. Your mate will not talk the same 20 years into marriage the way they did on your wedding day. If the personlity changes (and one married only for that) the same thing could happen (i.e. divorce to find someone who fits that personality ones mate had when they married).

The point of the thread is why do we get on the offensive when someone says these are my criteria for looks...but when they say, these are my criteria for personality...we shrug our shoulders.

 

[Fatolia]

Personality is just as superficial as looks.

Personality does change over time. A man who is a "romantic" and a "listener" during dating may become cold and incessantly talkative after tying the not. A brazen guy in his youth may become stiff as a brick when he gets a sixty hour a week job. A wife might become forever bitter if you accidentally run over her dog. There's tons of things that can change personality.

My personality changed. I used to be extremely shy around all people, especially girls. Now I'm so direct and intense I tend to scare some girls away...the opposite extreme. People change. Marriages evolve and skew. But the thing that will really last, as Blue Impulse was kind of alluding to, is the core character, the real spirit of selflessness...actually, inevitably the spirit of God, which shows himself in all his glory: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and my favorite--self-control.

 

[Glorianna]

ha! but physical assets do matter. face it, your not gunna fall head over heals for someone that repulses you. everyone has a preference.. just some ppl keep it hush hush, thinking its un-christ-like to be so vain. c'mon! were all human. its only natural.

i find it funny when christians won't admit to this. most guy's will play the villian.. but christian chicks, take on the "all that matters is whats inside" BS.

I would definitely have to agree with this. And I want to add something: even though appearance is important, what's on the inside IS much more important.

 

[GarethS]

I think the main point of this issue is "compatibility". Sure 2 people are going to change over time, but the point of being married to someone who you're supposed to be married to is that you'll still be compatible in 20 years. I definetely wouldn't go into a marriage without knowing almost everything about a persons past, and knowing that their core personality probably won't change all that much, but I'd make sure that we'd be changing together to compliment each other not grind our wheels.

I don't think it's fair to judge someone on looks or personality alone, the only 2 women I've ever had as girlfriends didn't think they were attractive at all, but I thought they were extremely hot. In my way of thinking looks count for about 30% of the total package... but that is what we're really looking at "Total Package" not just one thing. But different things matter to different people.

 

[Tenken]

ha! but physical assets do matter. face it, your not gunna fall head over heals for someone that repulses you. everyone has a preference.. just some ppl keep it hush hush, thinking its un-christ-like to be so vain. c'mon! were all human. its only natural.

i find it funny when christians won't admit to this. most guy's will play the villian.. but christian chicks, take on the "all that matters is whats inside" BS.

Exactly, if to Christian chics "all that matters is what's inside", then we wouldn't see a lot of single but faithful, God-loving guys would we? For sure what's inside is more important than what's outside, but what's outside is what's necessary to spark that initial attraction, and what's inside is what's necessary to keep that ongoing attraction. just my 0.02

 

[jan003]

The point of the thread is why do we get on the offensive when someone says these are my criteria for looks...but when they say, these are my criteria for personality...we shrug our shoulders.

I see where you're coming from. I guess it's because people think that we all have control over our personalities. But that's true to only a certain extent. We can attempt to change our personalities just like we can change our bodies by eating right and working out...but the "original blueprint" is still there. If you have thin bones working out won't change that...and if you're a sweet guy pretending to be macho won't last forever. It doesn't make sense to say that physical critieria is shallow and personality criteria isn't. Why ???

Because GOD predetermines ALL of our traits.

You can't give someone credit for being for being an "Einstein" or "Mozart". You can study and practice as much as you want BUT you must have the GENES.

And the same goes with personality traits...it's just "naturally"
easier for some girls to be sweet/ladylike and for some guys to be funny/intellectual. Sure you can "act" like these types, but people who were born to be that way are at a naturally advantage...just like people who are born "beautiful" or who have "perfect" bodies (by society's standards).

We can't be RIGID with our preferences, but it's ok to consider ALL of the traits that God gave someone before marrying him/her.

So if a girl is shallow for liking a guy whose naturally built (i.e. mesomorphs), then she's shallow for wanting a guy that is compassionate and gifted intellectually. Either way...it was in his genes and decided by God.

 

[Raanan]

the_man, it is hypocracy. The entire thing. People getting up in arms about a checklist for the physical then creating a list for the personality. BOTH make up a person. BOTH change with time. BOTH were created by God. That last one leads to another point. God is infallible and he created not only our bodies but our subsequent attractions yet people try to claim being attracted to certain physical features over others is wrong even sinful. It is NOT wrong nore is it sinful! It is a God given gift! I'll even go so far as to say this. If it is wrong and sinful to be attracted to skinny over plump, red hair over black hair, full lips over then lips, then it is equally as wrong and sinful to be attracted to extroversion over introversion, analytical over emotional, intellectual over sensual. We can know neither is wrong though, because God created us with both!

 

[Nico]

i don't get *offended* per se when someone describe what physical attributes they find attractive in a partner, but sometimes hearing it gets me down and i feel sad, which for some people may translate into being offended. at least for women (i'll speak from that point of view cause that's what i am) so much emphasis is placed on your looks. and if you weren't as blessed as you'd like to be in that department it's frustrating and sad and disheartening to hear that someone wants a beautiful girl when you don't feel you come close to measuring up. even if it's not a self-esteem issue. i whole-heartedly agree that you need to be attracted to your partner. absolutely. but when i hear guys talking about beauty i will admit that i feel as though i don't measure up cause i'm not a "typical" beauty--whatever that means. and then stupid questions come to my mind like "if i'm not considered beautiful will i ever find someone? will someone EVER be interested in me?" it just makes me feel down about myself, that's all. and it kinda reinforces that societal thing that some of your worth comes from your looks (and that's probably where i go wrong and that i've twisted it all around). so if my worth comes from my looks, and i don't have any, am i worthless? that's just the way my thinking can go.....

then there is the compatability thing that someone mentioned. looks are impt. in terms of having that attraction, but they only go so far. you could be with the hottest guy, but if your personalities aren't compatible, then it's gonna be a long, potentialy awfull ride. so there's some reality that comes with the "looks don't matter" bit in that, well, looks do matter, but it takes you only so far. personality's gotta be there to help with the sustainability.

but i guess that's why i feel disheartened when people talk about looks, at moments. if i'm not pretty, do i even have a chance?????

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I think for me, yes looks are important; however, I think even Christian men (since we know typically men are more visual and go for a woman based upon looks at first) are very specific about what they want their future spouse to look like. Women want an attractive man as well, but we don't appear to be as hung up on it as men are. Now keep in mind that there are exceptions to the rule. There are some men who genuinely want a woman who is pure at heart and godly and could care less about what she looks like, and there are excessively shallow women out there. I've known a few myself.

Here's an example - I prefer men who are taller than me, but it's not as if I would shun a man whom God placed in my life and he possessed all of the spiritual characteristics I am seeking if he was shorter than I am. Whereas I know alot of men would pass up, say, a fuller figured woman just based upon her weight alone totally discounting her spiritual qualities. Of course, like I said, there are women like this as well so it's not like I'm knocking men here. But for me, spirituality and personality go a long way. I just want a man who is clean in a hygienic sense. Things like hair style, weight, and clothing preferences usually change when a man finds a woman who is interested in him. He usually goes to greater lengths to "impress" her with his physical appearances.

 

[chanis]

I agree with Fluffy...let's be real physique is what initially attracts us and we either decide to continue from there or not...we are more likely to approach someone who is physically attracted then someone who is not...

 

[the_man]

I think Nico hit several points that I was really trying to draw out.

I'd like to make another observation, some would say generalization. But even if it were a generalization, I would not be out of line and it could apply to the converse situation. Men usually are interested in the physical attributes a woman has and this is not a minor part in his attraction (overall) to her. (if you don't like it, reverse the roles, or do what you want with it, it really doesn't affect the point i'm going to make).

My question was why is it that there is it so terrible to say, I would like my mate to look like x, y and z but not so terrible to say, I would want my mate to have a, b and c in terms of personality?

The first part of it comes from the man (following my generalization). If a man is not careful, he may go to the extreme of allowing physical attributes to be the deal breaker for a relationship. (e.g. if she doesn't have long hair, I cannot date her). But as Mr. Knightly (a character most women admire) says "Men of good sense, whatever you may think, do not want silly wives!" And it is true...a man who picks a woman soley for her physical attributes may (or may not be) in for disappointment. Such a man is guilty of finding a wife based on the standards of this world.

The second part comes from the woman. A woman gets offended (or as Nico put it, is saddened) by a man that chooses his wife on the standards of the world. However, I think she (the woman) is guitly of a similar offense. That is, the fact that she is disturbed by such a man, implies that she adheres to these standards (of the world). If she didn't, a man who prefers a woman with a chest that can also act as a floating device, would not phase her one bit. (just like if a man where to say, I am attracted to introverts, all the extroverted women shrug their shoulders and say "okay").

My point is really, I think the world has infected us (both men and women) with it's standards of physical attraction more than we like to think (i.e. for men, it seems obvious, for women it is more subtle). The whole hang up of trying to make physical attraction more than it should be AND trying to make physical attraction less than it should be in Christian society, is because we have had the world influence such society. That is to say, if soceity stressed personality as what one should desire soley in romantic affliations, then in Christian society we would reverse the roles of looks and personality (i.e. looks are more imporant than personality).

What I really want to get at is that a certain look or certain personality that the world may or may not adhere to should never be our standard. So as Christians our standard should never be of the world. It would be selfish (to the point of vanity) to think that everyone should be attracted to oneself (physically/personable). It would be just as silly to think of oneself unattractive because of some worldly standard of beauty. Just thought I'd share some of my thoughts on the matter with you. Thanks.

 

[TriptychR]

Question: How much does the Bible say about personality traits to look for compared to physical traits to look for? Should I be looking for a woman whose breasts are like gazelles (Song of Solomon)?

 

[chanis]

I don't think that the Bible specifically states to look for certain physical character traits or is even specific on personality traits but we are told that rebekah was beautifu, David was handsome, over and over we are told that so adn so was good looking and obviously personality traits are seen...but Im not sure if tells us what to look for...

 

[the_man]

And thank God it doesn't. God has made everyone with unique characteristics, traits and desires.

 

[TriptychR]

I don't think that the Bible specifically states to look for certain physical character traits or is even specific on personality traits but we are told that rebekah was beautifu, David was handsome, over and over we are told that so adn so was good looking and obviously personality traits are seen...but Im not sure if tells us what to look for...

What about the Fruits of the Spirit?