Looking For Insight

[C12H22O11]

Nobody I know in real life has ever been in this situation, and I was hoping maybe there was somebody that had been here. I apologize if some of it is just venting.

Now, don't get me wrong: my fiance is the man of my dreams. I can't imagine anyone being so perfect for me, and I'm deeply in love with him. There's nothing wrong with our relationship, and there's nobody else in the picture. It's just that we barely talk. As in, he's deployed in Iraq right now, and I only get to talk with him 20 minutes a day. And then, because of the time difference, he's often too tired for coherent conversation.

I'm really not sure I can do this for six months, let alone during heaven knows how many future deployments. It's not that I'm not used to him being away in general...We've been long-distance through most of the relationship. I'm fine when we can talk for at least an hour or so a day. But since he switched sections that's just not going to happen. He gets to email me even less, since his internet access is restricted at work.

The thing is, I'm not even sure I can talk about this with him, considering there's no way he can be alone to talk and we'd only have 20 minutes before we'd have to wait until the next day. And since there's not much he can actually do about it, it would mostly just be stressing him out. He's already under a lot of stress.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure I can be in a relationship with someone I can't confide in. I know none of this is his fault, but that doesn't make my ability to tolerate it any greater.

 

[clycleader]

that's a tough one. Have you prayed about it? Asked for guidance? Strength?
Only you and God can know for sure if he's "the one". I think if you're having thoughts of "IF you can do it" maybe you should think it over really really seriously and ask if this is something you can live w/ forever. That's how long a marriage will last. If he's a "lifer" in the military..... pray, think, pray. that's the only advice I can give.

 

[deep6sleep]

Let me understand this....

Your fiance' is in Iraq, being shot at, exposed to IED's and putting in long days at the front line of combat, and you are angry/saddened you can only talk to him for 20 minutes a DAY!!!

And you want to talk to HIM about this!!??...like he doesn't have enough going on in his life.

You know it is not his fault, but you are unsure you can tolerate it.. Right now he needs a strong fiancee' who can be supportive of him.
He is under unbelievable stress right now, and needs you to be strong.

Send him snail mail, emails, packages. Tell him you don't expect him to contact you daily...that could be a stessor in and of itself. You don't need him to answer all your emails and letters. He has so much going on right now, I am sure he senses the pressure to contact you daily. Sometimes men need to just have some quiet time and do NOTHING...no responsibilities...just decompress.

I am sorry for coming on so strong, and I don't want to sound mean. But to dump this on a man, in a foriegn land, risking his life for all of US..just set me off.

I suggest finding a support group of soldiers wives, ones that have spouses overseas and talk with them. If there isn't one in your area, go online and find a chatroom or blog so you can get their perspecitives on the situation.
I truely wish you the best and again I apologize for not mincing words.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Nobody I know in real life has ever been in this situation, and I was hoping maybe there was somebody that had been here. I apologize if some of it is just venting.

Now, don't get me wrong: my fiance is the man of my dreams. I can't imagine anyone being so perfect for me, and I'm deeply in love with him. There's nothing wrong with our relationship, and there's nobody else in the picture. It's just that we barely talk. As in, he's deployed in Iraq right now, and I only get to talk with him 20 minutes a day. And then, because of the time difference, he's often too tired for coherent conversation.

I'm really not sure I can do this for six months, let alone during heaven knows how many future deployments. It's not that I'm not used to him being away in general...We've been long-distance through most of the relationship. I'm fine when we can talk for at least an hour or so a day. But since he switched sections that's just not going to happen. He gets to email me even less, since his internet access is restricted at work.

The thing is, I'm not even sure I can talk about this with him, considering there's no way he can be alone to talk and we'd only have 20 minutes before we'd have to wait until the next day. And since there's not much he can actually do about it, it would mostly just be stressing him out. He's already under a lot of stress.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure I can be in a relationship with someone I can't confide in. I know none of this is his fault, but that doesn't make my ability to tolerate it any greater.

You have to be fair with him and yourself. As a military man he will probably be away like this often. If you can live with that stay, if not let it go. Not everyone can handle such a stressful relationship. I could tell you stories about when I was in the Marines living in base housing. Some of the stuff that went on when the husbands were away damaged my trust in American morality. If you choose to stay with him there is a book for enlisted wives called Roses and Thorns which deals with special issues military wives have to deal with.

 

[C12H22O11]

edit

I realize all that. Like I said, it's my problem. I'm not blaming him at all. Was I stupid for agreeing to marry him before he went through a deployment? Extremely. But I can't change the past, and I can't magically make myself able to go through life without needing communication.

But our wedding is scheduled for soon after he gets back. I can't just postpone it without telling him, and I'm sure as hell not going to go through with it without talking things through with him first. If I could wait to break it to him, I would. But I don't think I can.

You have to be fair with him and yourself. As a military man he will probably be away like this often. If you can live with that stay, if not let it go. Not everyone can handle such a stressful relationship. I could tell you stories about when I was in the Marines living in base housing. Some of the stuff that went on when the husbands were away damaged my trust in American morality. If you choose to stay with him there is a book for enlisted wives called Roses and Thorns which deals with special issues military wives have to deal with.

That's the thing. At this point, I could never imagine myself cheating on him. But what will I be feeling six months from now? Several years from now? Even if physical intimacy isn't an issue, I know that emotional intimacy will be. If there's anything I've learned about myself, it's that I need that kind of connection with someone, and the reality is he won't always be able to be there to provide it. And I don't know how or when to tell him that.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

how about you write him a letter? I know that he may not have time to talk to you but you guys can write back and forth. Im sure that it will be hard but guess what...?

If you love him you will stand by him no matter what. Your probably being tested by god right now. How long until you are willing to give up a gift from god for your own desires?

At least thats what I see happening.

 

[GrannieAnnie]

Almost sounds to me as if you've decided you want out of this relationship.....but because he's overseas you don't know how to tell him. This probably happens from time to time .... but I'd talk to someone in the Military and ask their advice.....but in the end, you have to do what you have to do. No good if you're going to marry this man and have these doubts every time he goes away...

 

[C12H22O11]

how about you write him a letter? I know that he may not have time to talk to you but you guys can write back and forth. Im sure that it will be hard but guess what...?

If you love him you will stand by him no matter what. Your probably being tested by god right now. How long until you are willing to give up a gift from god for your own desires?

At least thats what I see happening.

He already said he doesn't want to do letters. Besides which, the thought of putting that kind of thing down in something he's not going to get for three weeks is going to have me very nervous for three weeks. An email might be a bit better than a call, though. It would still be some time, but he would at least be guaranteed to be off work when he read it.

I wish I knew whether this was a test or just an indication that it wasn't right to begin with. My fiance deserves someone who can support him through all this, not someone who needs support. If only we'd met under different circumstances.

 

[k2svpete]

As has been said, write letters. It doesn't matter that he has said 'he doesn't want to do letters' do it anyway.

I have been in his position. My wife and I started going out only a couple of weeks before I deployed overseas. We kept in touch through letters, email when we could and with the occasional telephone call. We were restricted to about one a week. You can take as much time as you like to write a letter, you don't have to waste time on inane small talk. My wife still has the letters I wrote to her, you can't hang onto a conversation or an email the same way. A letter is personal.

Packages are great. Glean from him things that he needs and think about the small things that he doesn't have access to. Send a photo, some biscuits, tapes of his favorite sports team or race. These small things mean a great deal. There is nothing better than getting a piece of mail or a parcel.

If you want to postpone the wedding, think about your wording very carefully. Perhaps something along the lines of wanting to spend time together when he returns without worrying about wedding plans for a little bit.

Under no circumstances send him a 'Dear John' letter. That is the cruellest, most heartless thing that can be done to a man serving overseas, or anywhere away from home.

 

[deep6sleep]

Almost sounds to me as if you've decided you want out of this relationship.....but because he's overseas you don't know how to tell him. This probably happens from time to time .... but I'd talk to someone in the Military and ask their advice.....but in the end, you have to do what you have to do. No good if you're going to marry this man and have these doubts every time he goes away...

That is my gut feeling also..

 

[deep6sleep]

As has been said, write letters. It doesn't matter that he has said 'he doesn't want to do letters' do it anyway.

I have been in his position. My wife and I started going out only a couple of weeks before I deployed overseas. We kept in touch through letters, email when we could and with the occasional telephone call. We were restricted to about one a week. You can take as much time as you like to write a letter, you don't have to waste time on inane small talk. My wife still has the letters I wrote to her, you can't hang onto a conversation or an email the same way. A letter is personal.

Packages are great. Glean from him things that he needs and think about the small things that he doesn't have access to. Send a photo, some biscuits, tapes of his favorite sports team or race. These small things mean a great deal. There is nothing better than getting a piece of mail or a parcel.

If you want to postpone the wedding, think about your wording very carefully. Perhaps something along the lines of wanting to spend time together when he returns without worrying about wedding plans for a little bit.

Under no circumstances send him a 'Dear John' letter. That is the cruellest, most heartless thing that can be done to a man serving overseas, or anywhere away from home.

Well said, and excellent advice..

 

[deep6sleep]

I have edited some of the stronger words I used in my original post. I still stand by my original post, but I was requested to edit and honored that request.

Explanation: I agree I was a bit abrupt with my original response, probably because I just finished memoir of a Marine on his experiences as an enlisted man during WWII as he made his way thru the Pacific theater, ie Pelelui, Bouganville, Okinawa, and Iwo Jima.
I guess it was hard for me to hear someone complain about what they have to go thru stateside, (yes, I understand spouses of overseas personel have a very difficult time), when their spouse is in combat. Especially when I compare what we here at home are going thru during this war, when compared to what my parents went thru in the 1940's. And yes, my father was a WWII Vet. I never heard my mother complain, or any other of my parents friends complain. They were just happy to have their husbands back.

I am sorry for the high jack..I just needed to clarify.
Thanks..

 

[Autumnleaf]

That's the thing. At this point, I could never imagine myself cheating on him. But what will I be feeling six months from now? Several years from now? Even if physical intimacy isn't an issue, I know that emotional intimacy will be. If there's anything I've learned about myself, it's that I need that kind of connection with someone, and the reality is he won't always be able to be there to provide it. And I don't know how or when to tell him that.

Tell him on the phone that you need more time before the wedding. That you only want him but you don't know if you can put up with not being with him like this several years from now if he makes this his career. Be honest with him while reinforcing how much you are committed to the relationship. Then let him decide. If he gets out of the Marines he should be able to get a federal law enforcement job with homeland security or even a job as a local deputy Sherriff pretty easily.

Writing him a breakup letter or breaking up over the phone wouldn't be right. If you are honest and understanding he might just change jobs so he can stay with you after this part of his career is over. I am positive he would rather be with you than where he is at the end of his long days. So hang in there and see if you can find a good way for things to go for both of you.

 

[Sothron]

I have several family members in the armed forces and am friends with quite a number of military families. There is no question it is very difficult to be in love with someone overseas. Chalk in the fact its an actual shooting war and its even more difficult.

You have my sympathies and my prayers. I have to say that it feels reading your posts that you want to break things off. Some people (and this is not a criticism just a statement of observed behavior) simply can not handle being a military spouse (both sexes btw not just women).

There is no shame in that. It is better for both of you if you are discovering this now before you get married. Frankly I agree with whoever said above me that spouses left State side can do some unreal immoral sexual activities while their spouses are away. I am not saying you are doing these things but its just an example of people not being ready for that kind of life.

I pray God reveals to you what it is He wants you to do. I would only ask not to "Dear John" him because I know some soldiers who came back in bodybags because of the emotional effect that caused.

 

[C12H22O11]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm not going to break up with him before we've had a chance to work things out in person, but I did send an email explaining that I didn't think getting married right after he got back was a good idea.

I don't think I want out of the relationship, per se. If he'd consider not re-enlisting, because it's what he wanted to do, not just to keep me, then it would definitely be worth holding out for. But if he wants to make a career out of it, staying together would only lead to one of us resenting the other down the road.

I have edited some of the stronger words I used in my original post. I still stand by my original post, but I was requested to edit and honored that request.

Explanation: I agree I was a bit abrupt with my original response, probably because I just finished memoir of a Marine on his experiences as an enlisted man during WWII as he made his way thru the Pacific theater, ie Pelelui, Bouganville, Okinawa, and Iwo Jima.
I guess it was hard for me to hear someone complain about what they have to go thru stateside, (yes, I understand spouses of overseas personel have a very difficult time), when their spouse is in combat. Especially when I compare what we here at home are going thru during this war, when compared to what my parents went thru in the 1940's. And yes, my father was a WWII Vet. I never heard my mother complain, or any other of my parents friends complain. They were just happy to have their husbands back.

I am sorry for the high jack..I just needed to clarify.
Thanks..

And for the record, it was not me who reported you, if you were actually reported. I suspect that some people were thinking the same thing but were just too nice to say it. :/ I'll edit the post in which I quoted you, though.

 

[deep6sleep]

No worries....

 

[Redguard]

Breaking up with him is probably going to be the most difficult part of your situation.

Keep in mind that there's nothing more detrimental than entering into a marriage with a heavy feeling of doubt on your heart.

I don't know the stats, but I'm pretty sure I came across an article, or heard it said, that infidelity is extremely high amongst military couples. And your concern about him being away from so long and not knowing if you can cope with it is probably shared by many and can be one of the main reasons why separated couples find affection in the arms of others.

Go with what your heart tells you.

 

[Mskedi]

Long distance relationships are hard. Long distance relationships where the other is overly stressed and in physical danger are harder still.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying you need to postpone the wedding a bit. Marriages should not be entered into when you're not sure this is a life you can handle.

I can't give advice, really. I can offer you my prayers that you might make a wise decision.

 

[cherryblossom03]

What I'm going to say is going to be harsh, but so be it. As a wife whose husband is now currently on his 3rd tour to Iraq, I can tell you that if you are not TOTALLY committed to this marriage and relationship, it will not last. I do not expect my husband to call me everyday, not even every week. We went 7 weeks without talking before he called me last week. I asked him to call more than that, hopefully every 2-3 weeks or so, but if he's so exhausted he's not coherent on the phone, he needs rest. Don't get married right when he gets home if you aren't sure. This life is not easy, even though I chose it and would choose it again, it's definitely not always easy.

 

[k2svpete]

Well said mate.