Longing for Heaven

[Chamomile]

I'm 29. Been depressed for 17 years. It doesn't look like it's gonna end.

Everyday I pray for God to spare me from this world of hostility. Nobody gives a damn about me. I'm not a clingy person, but, I'm still deserted by friends. Friends whom I've known for 20 yrs.

I guess even when I don't talk, they can feel the sadness in me & they can't handle it. So, they just avoid me or ignore my texts.

How I wish I could have some form of support, but, I don't even socialise. I'm too tired. Some days I'm too tired to even bother about personal hygiene. If I'm not working, I'm sleeping or resting in bed. Even my colleagues joke that I have no life.

On one occasion I lay in bed for 2 days, not eating or drinking & wound up dehydrated with gastritis.

I still pray, but, I feel like He's not listening. I have no one else but Jesus. He knows it. Why is He so silent & allowing the people around me to leave?

I'm almost 30 & have never had a boyfriend. I'd like to get married but being so isolated & insecure, I have difficulty finding a partner. I'm also uncomfortable around men. I was often beaten by my dad & brother. Being around men makes me nervous.

There were men that wanted to date me, but, they weren't Christians.

I'm tired of being alone. Is this what God wants from me? I'm tired of this world & imagine everyday what Heaven is like, which makes me feels worse. Makes me want to kill myself. But, I'm scared of ending up in hell. My wish is for Jesus to take me to Heaven Himself.

I know I'm a disappointment. I haven't been a witness for Christ. I try to do so in subtle ways, but, I don't think they worked. I mean what does He want from me? Why can't He just take me away from this horrible world?

I am so exhausted.

 

[RuthD]

You seem like you have been stuck in a rut for a long time. Please try to look for the postive in life and things you can be grateful for. It will change your attitude which is depressing you. Maybe you need counseling, have you thought of that? I have a wonderful one now and makes life more worth living. The things we think will make us happy always don't happen so we can find happiness elsewhere if we put our mind to it. I am praying for your healing.

 

[Chamomile]

You seem like you have been stuck in a rut for a long time.

I can't seem to get out of it. I'd pick up a hobby but would eventually give up & fall back into bed sleeping all day. I'm tired all the time, like, an old woman.

Please try to look for the postive in life and things you can be grateful for. It will change your attitude which is depressing you.

I truly can't see anything positive in my life... I've lost my childhood friends. I have no family. I crave for meaningful relationships, but, I have no one. People are horrible... they just don't care. They care more about their careers, their gadgets, their vacations. I wish to get away from this awful place.

I had a therapist for years & she helped me with my childhood issues. I no longer see her because she no longer seem to be helpful (It's not her fault... I'm in a different phase of my life now). The depression can't seem to go away. It's always there even when I'm not thinking of anything. I've had it since 12, but, wasn't aware it was a problem until my mid-twenties. I'm on medication. Though it helps a little, I still think about suicide on a daily basis.

I'm lost & don't know what to do. I keep praying for God to either take me away or send someone into my life. An understanding friend, a potential spouse, a surrogate family, etc. Seems like He is saying 'no' to my prayers. I shouldn't have been born... I have nothing to look forward to everyday...

 

[Chamomile]

Every day I wake up I feel so dreadful being forced to go through another day of pain & agony.