Long Engagement???

[tractrack-online]

I am 20 and have been dating the same girl for the past 2+ years. Before that we were very good friends for 3 years, but she was not allowed to date. Neither of us have dated anyone else and we are completely committed to each other towards marriage, though we are not engaged. We have decided to wait until 2004 to be married because we are both in school and not in the same location.

At this point I feel like we have unofficially agreed that we would like to marry each other, but I haven't gotten permission from her father or asked her directly. I'm thinking about officially asking her to marry me this winter (18 mths from when we'd be married). We have committed to not even kissing before the wedding day and have not done so though the opportunity has arisen. What are your thoughts on an engagement this long?

 

[YouthPastor]

Nothing worng with that long of an engagement.

i would advise asking her perents permission to marry her and then ask her.

How old is she? I am guessing that since you have been dating for two years and knew each other for three years before that but she was not allowed to date, you are now both in college - would put her at about 19 or 20 - so she was not allowed to date until 17 or 18 years old - you would be wise to get her parents permission to ask her.

 

[tractrack-online]

she is actually 6 mths older than I. We were in the same Christian highschool class. She was not allowed to date until after graduation.

There was no doubt in my mind about talking to her father first (I've actually done so a couple times when asking permission to date). I am pretty close to her family and we do a lot together so I wouldn't do things in any other way

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Holy cow. You have no idea how much that sounds like my boyfriend and me. It's so creepy I had to triple check your user name to make sure you weren't him!!

I think you should ask her parents first. It shows that you're really serious about her and that it' not just some stupid fling of emotion. You're showing her family that you really care about being involved with her, because that also means being involved with her family.

As for the long engagement, I don't think it's bad. It's that real trial time before marriage because she is the only woman you're ever going to love like that again and it may change some things in your life and you may discover more about her and yourself. It also gives you more time to prepare for the future.

 

[YouthPastor]

It sounds like you know her pretty well as well as her family - that is GREAT!!!

Getting to know her is REAL important. also getting to know the parents as well. Your soon to be spouse will be like one of them - so the reason it is good to get to know the parents is that if one of them has some "bad issues" ie.. controlling and that happens to be the parent that your future spouse resembles - then chances are your spouse will also be controlling.

Being that you have known her and her family as long as you have you probably know them pretty well.

If I had a daughter or son - I do not think I would let them date until after graduation either - no need to date until marriage is a viable option and it is not a viable option as long as they are still in high school.

 

[GodBoy809]

I dont think there is anything wrong with long engagments, but i would say that short engagments arent too good of an idea, 4 months is as short as i would want to take the engagment. This is what i dont get though, whats the point in asking the girls parents permission? I've never understood that, i know its a sign of seriousness, but I don't like the idea of having to get permission to get married. And what if her parents didnt approve and said no, are you just not going to get married even though you both love each other and want to. I think thats silly.

 

[LadyBird]

I could not STAND to be engaged for more than 6 months. Anything longer than a year and I wonder why be engaged for that long if you're not going to be married for another 1 or 2 years? I would just want to get the show on the road. I mean honestly, what is the point of being engaged for 2 or 3 years? A wedding doesn't take 2 years to plan! Get engaged when you are fully ready to get married. Personally, I don't want to be engaged for longer than it takes to plan the wedding! There would be too much temptation.

 

[OrderMySteps]

I see nothing wrong with long engagements at all. I also respect you getting her parnets permission to marry their daughter.

 

[DaveKerwin]

DO NOT GO MORE THAN 6 MONTHS !!!

Memorize this quote: "Long engagements are the closest thing to hell for christians"

If you get a long engagement, I can guarantee you will regret it. A sex drive and the desire to honor God do not mix too well before marriage. Avoid sexual immorality by having a short engagement!

 

[GodBoy809]

that dave kerwin's a smart man....i agree. still dont get the asking of the parents....but now i have changed my view of engagements.

 

[LadyBird]

NM

 

[tractrack-online]

I'm glad there's interest in this topic

My situation is unique as far as the length of the engagement. We are as good as engaged right now. We've been dating for over 2 years and been very good friends for 3 yrs before that. The only reason we aren't getting married sooner is because we want to get out of school first. Engagement in this case is just making it official and public (though people are already asking her if she has a ring yet

As for the temptation. I don't think that will change much by her having a ring on her finger. We've already gotten to the point where we feel like we will be married, but just have to wait for the right timing.

As far as the question about asking her dad. I'm not worried about a "no" for one. I guess it's partially tradition and partially courteousy. You are taking a man's daughter out from under his protection and under yours (once you're married). He has pours 20 years of his life into raising his little girl and for you to just take her without asking permission is rude.

Yes, he may not ultimately change your mind if he says no, but at the same time his "no" should affect his daughter and at least make both the guy and girl think before moving forward. The Bible teaches that we are supposed to "honor your father and mother." Just because you are an adult and able to make decisions, that honor, consideration, and in some cases even direct obedience should remain. I think eliminating parents from important decisions like this reflects the continual breakdown of the American family.

 

[girlscoutdropout]

i agree with dave kerwin, i think the optimal is six months, however in my current situation, i would have to push it to a year. i am at college, and working, and involved in other activities, and throwing wedding plans on top of all of that would just topple me, or so i think. i guess it depends on your situation.

 

[GodBoy809]

i mean, yeah that is a big decision, but would you really say its for the parents to decide who can and can't marry their daughter? shouldn't who she marries be her decision? And, i mean she'll be over 20, more than likely, when this happens, so why would she need permission anyway? I think God is the only persons permission you need to get married. And besides, i'm not going to ask kristi's dad, he's a alcoholic, he's drunk most of the time (he and kristi's mom are divorced) and he is a very rude person, he doesnt like me, blantenly says bad things to kristi and other people about me, and when ever kristi is with him, he will hang up the phone on me when i call there. So he would say no to be mean to me more that likely. But i really see no point in asking their parents...i mean, when you get married now-a-days (age wise this is), you're over 20. Most people got married when they we're 15 (the girls anyway) so i can see how this was need a long time ago. But now, isnt over 20 old enough to make decision for yourself and not have to ask permission?

 

[tractrack-online]

i mean, yeah that is a big decision, but would you really say its for the parents to decide who can and can't marry their daughter? shouldn't who she marries be her decision? And, i mean she'll be over 20, more than likely, when this happens, so why would she need permission anyway? I think God is the only persons permission you need to get married. And besides, i'm not going to ask kristi's dad, he's a alcoholic, he's drunk most of the time (he and kristi's mom are divorced) and he is a very rude person, he doesnt like me, blantenly says bad things to kristi and other people about me, and when ever kristi is with him, he will hang up the phone on me when i call there. So he would say no to be mean to me more that likely. But i really see no point in asking their parents...i mean, when you get married now-a-days (age wise this is), you're over 20. Most people got married when they we're 15 (the girls anyway) so i can see how this was need a long time ago. But now, isnt over 20 old enough to make decision for yourself and not have to ask permission?

You are in a much different situation GodBoy. I agree that you shouldn't need to ask your girlfriends father if he is not walking with the Lord. Like I said in my first post, it is partially out of respect, which cannot be there in your situation. I do think that the girl can make her own decision, but in the case of godly parents I would say that counsel is always a good thing and the approval of your future in-laws is always a good thing. If the girl is close to her family you get to live with them too (not on a daily basis, but you know...)

 

[GodBoy809]

ok, well approval and permission is too different things. I say its good for parents to approve, but i dont think you need their permission.

 

[tractrack-online]

True, good catch in word definitions.

Approval is VERY important (in most cases of course)

I think permission is still important in some cases though. For example, a long engagement where the girl is still living at home. To do something without permission could cause a rift and until she has removed herself from her family, this would be detrimental to her and your relationship with each other.

Another reason that permission is good is traditionally the girls familiy pays for the wedding... (in some cases it still comes down to $$$

In all neither permission nor approval are necessary from any man as marriage is a God-ordained, God-centered relationship; however, both are good and will enhance your relationship with your fiance to be and with your future inlaws

 

[tractrack-online]

Back to the length of engagement question.

Those of you against long engagements--do you have any reason other than temptation? Why do you think temptation would increase?

Anyone else have thoughts about long engagements?

 

[vibrant]

why do you want to be engaged for 18 months?

 

[tractrack-online]

We've been close friends for 3 years and will have been dating for 2.5 by the time an 18 month engagement would start. We're about as sure as we can be about what the Lord has for us long term and I don't think it makes sense to wait longer to make it official. I could be wrong though