Living with Non-Christian boyfriend. In need of HELP!!

[technofox]

Hi,

Well since I know that you are going to get a whole lot of replies, one thing I must share and point out to the chagrin of the many idealists here is that Christian + Christian does not equal a greater rate of success in relationships. I married a fellow believer and waited until marriage prior to having sex with her, and ended up divorced because of multiple issues that could only have been discovered by living together first. Needless to say when expectations don't meet reality, then you have to change your line of thinking.

The key to being a follower of Christ with non-believing significant other, is that you express and show a Christ like heart by your attitude and actions. Dogging your boyfriend to believe will just push him away.

I am dating the most wonderful woman that I have ever met and she treats me right. She is agnostic and we some how click, because we have a mutual love and respect for each other, which is most important. I learned a lot from marriage counseling and one thing that I have learned is that if there is no friendship, mutual love and respect, then it's not going to last no matter what each individual believes in. The fact is Christians are just as flawed as non-Christians, and chances are your future is determined by your actions and decisions that you make every day, God will provide the opportunities for you to learn from them.

 

[Mochi]

Update for you guys!

So since I posted this thread a few things have happened.

I had the talk with my boyfriend and put all my cards on the table. I expressed my beliefs and need for spiritual intimacy, we then talked about all possible choices we had. It pretty much came down to:
- I move out and break up
- I move out and keep dating as usual
-I move out and he pursues God, then eventually marriage.

He chose the middle one in order to buy himself time, which does not go over well with anyone who hears about the situation (Christian or non). Most married men I know find this to be a sign that he isn't willing to commit or fix the situation, which means he isn't really mature enough to have a wife.

So I moved out and now am in a difficult situation where I am living with a single mom in the same apartment complex as my bf. My bf still has all of my furniture, I still pay rent for my old place, and I live in a situation that most 22 year old girls don't have to live in. I know for a fact God brought my new roommate to me, but that does NOT mean it is easy to live with a baby and a mom at my age.

So now it's been over a month and he has not brought anything up. He seems to be using the time away from each other to hang out with friends or work late. Which is not what this time is for. Though, I must say, our relationship seems better now that I'm out of the living situation, but I am in a difficult space. I almost feel this issue needs another thread. Such complication.

 

[Beechwell]

Congratulations Mochi for having the heart to heart with your boyfriend.

So now that you are living apart, where do you think you can go from here? I suppose in case your boyfriend also becomes a Christian all will be good and you can pick up your relationship where you left off.
But what if he doesn't? Will that mean a definite breakup for you two, or do you think you may rekindle your flame regardless?

I think it was a good thing you moved out and gave each other breathing room to think your relationship over. However from your last post it sounds like you are simply waiting for him to either become a Christian or move on. Or have you discussed with your boyriend what else needs to change in your relationship for you to have a chance again - and are you both working on it?

In any case, I wish you both all the best for your future

 

[technofox]

I need some godly and wise advice on this subject, and thought this would be a great place to start. A lot of the advice I am getting in the Christian community has been extremely vague and not very helpful.

I'm currently a new Christian who has been dating a non-Christian for 4 and a half years. We started our relationship when we were both non-Christians in college. We have helped each other throughout college, and developed a really awesome friendship.
I moved in with him three months after we started the relationship, having sex like it was no big deal. My relationship with him, while good, lacked something deeper that I tried to feel with physical closeness. I didn't know it then, but once I had a worldview change it all came together...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

During these past four years I opened a lot of doors that probably should have stayed closed. First of course, was the sexual sin, our relationship seemed to revolve around it to the point where I would get frustrated because the only things we would do together were sexual. Secondly, his brother was a drug dealer before I met him (and my boyfriend would help deal his wares at times) so I was surrounded by lots of free illegal drugs and started to party, drink, and use drugs. THey put me in a really bad head space, and I regret my choice to experiment with them. Thirdly, since I was taking lots of mind altering drugs, I was also getting into witchcraft and the occult. The spirit world I saw during my drug use was extremely enticing to me. I became saved around the time where I wanted to initiate myself into solitary witchcraft.

I'm not going to tell my conversion story, but I will say that it challenged my occultism, my partying/substance abuse, and my sexuality. Long story short, God reached into my life and changed me into a new person with new desires.

So now I'm a new Christian, figuring out how to do life. I'm part of a church, a small group, and am building relationships with mature Christians. But... I have a non-Christian boyfriend...who I'm living with. He's been extremely positive about my Christian life. SInce I changed, we have gotten rid of all the drugs(and drug paraphernalia), slowed down partying (we will go out with friends for a drink every once in a while), and have completely stopped having sex.
He has expressed interest in Christianity because i have, and I recently bought him a bible and have prayed that God work in his life.

The sad thing is, I never know if he will ever become a Christian, and I am not going to sin by marrying a non-Christian. We haven't talked about our sex life, I think it's just an unspoken thing (I guess he assumes that Christians don't have pre-marital sex, which is correct in my case). It's now been 5 months since our last sexual encounter. We're living like a married couple aside from a lack of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. We are buddies. But he's still me best friend who I love dearly.

But I have recently been convicted that I can't let fear make me put my boyfriend before God. I need to open up communication, I need to make a move...but I don't know what to say or what to do. I am paralyzed by fear of conflict in my life. Our lives are so connected and intertwined I cannot comprehend a life apart from him.

HELP!!!

Interesting and I read your update too. I take it that you ignored my past post, but I will clarify something, dating non-Christians isn't a sin; don't add things to scripture that wasn't there in the first place. It's a near warning that it could stunt your growth in Christianity or cause you to relapse (or even walk away from the faith), assuming you are weak in faith. I have studied this quite well and it is basically ideal to have a mate to share the same beliefs; however, from here is a lesson from my experience as a believer in Christ.

I married a woman who shared the same faith as I do, Christianity, and we ended up divorce due to not sharing the same values and her abusive behavior. Fast forward after a divorce and lots of money and time wasted, and I met a woman who shares the same values as I, but not the same faith (she is agnostic, but is supportive of my beliefs). It's been the best relationship that I have ever been in and I wouldn't give it up over idealism that doesn't match the reality. I know the difference by getting burned. I hope my effort to give you a different perspective is not in vain.

 

[Mochi]

Interesting and I read your update too. I take it that you ignored my past post, but I will clarify something, dating non-Christians isn't a sin; don't add things to scripture that wasn't there in the first place. It's a near warning that it could stunt your growth in Christianity or cause you to relapse (or even walk away from the faith), assuming you are weak in faith. I have studied this quite well and it is basically ideal to have a mate to share the same beliefs; however, from here is a lesson from my experience as a believer in Christ.

I married a woman who shared the same faith as I do, Christianity, and we ended up divorce due to not sharing the same values and her abusive behavior. Fast forward after a divorce and lots of money and time wasted, and I met a woman who shares the same values as I, but not the same faith (she is agnostic, but is supportive of my beliefs). It's been the best relationship that I have ever been in and I wouldn't give it up over idealism that doesn't match the reality. I know the difference by getting burned. I hope my effort to give you a different perspective is not in vain.

I understand dating is not in the bible, which is one reason my situation has been difficult to figure out.
I've been getting lots of differing advice, my church especially. I think that they would see me being "yoked" with an unbeliever as rebellion against God. Overall, I feel like your opinion expressed combined with the opinion I'm getting at my church is causing me to get overwhelmed and could possibly get me to stumble. However, God has shown up big time in my life and feel like I will always be his daughter.

I guess I need to talk to him about how our relationship would work if we were married. See of there are any unequally yoked red flags.
Overall he has been respectful of my faith, and I have tried to be respectful of where he is at, but encourage him to learn a bit about why I am a Christian, since he has ZERO interaction with a Christian growing up.

So if we find that we would respect each other in marriage... What do I do about the church I am currently a member of? I would most likely be counseled to NOT go through with it. I would have no support from my community there. I am at a church run by a very prolific pastor who is...outspoken...about marriage and neo- Calvinism. Basically, I feel that I would be considered a non-elect, backslider who has no respect for church authority if I did get married to this man I love.

And to be perfectly honest, I want to honor God in my relationships and not make a decision based solely off of feelings. If our relationship will make me backslide and be deprecated from God, that's not a relationship I want to be in.

 

[Mochi]

Congratulations Mochi for having the heart to heart with your boyfriend.

So now that you are living apart, where do you think you can go from here? I suppose in case your boyfriend also becomes a Christian all will be good and you can pick up your relationship where you left off.
But what if he doesn't? Will that mean a definite breakup for you two, or do you think you may rekindle your flame regardless?

I think it was a good thing you moved out and gave each other breathing room to think your relationship over. However from your last post it sounds like you are simply waiting for him to either become a Christian or move on. Or have you discussed with your boyriend what else needs to change in your relationship for you to have a chance again - and are you both working on it?

In any case, I wish you both all the best for your future

I really have no idea what happens if he doesn't become Christian . I think it's likely he won't convert in the next year or so, it might be something that happens when children are introduced if at all.

The question here then becomes:

1) is it sinful to marry an unbeliever if I have already been yoked to(to a certain extent) and respects my beliefs?
2) Will this relationship be good for both him and I on a practical level and spiritual level?

 

[technofox]

I understand dating is not in the bible, which is one reason my situation has been difficult to figure out.
I've been getting lots of differing advice, my church especially. I think that they would see me being "yoked" with an unbeliever as rebellion against God. Overall, I feel like your opinion expressed combined with the opinion I'm getting at my church is causing me to get overwhelmed and could possibly get me to stumble. However, God has shown up big time in my life and feel like I will always be his daughter.

I guess I need to talk to him about how our relationship would work if we were married. See of there are any unequally yoked red flags.
Overall he has been respectful of my faith, and I have tried to be respectful of where he is at, but encourage him to learn a bit about why I am a Christian, since he has ZERO interaction with a Christian growing up.

So if we find that we would respect each other in marriage... What do I do about the church I am currently a member of? I would most likely be counseled to NOT go through with it. I would have no support from my community there. I am at a church run by a very prolific pastor who is...outspoken...about marriage and neo- Calvinism. Basically, I feel that I would be considered a non-elect, backslider who has no respect for church authority if I did get married to this man I love.

And to be perfectly honest, I want to honor God in my relationships and not make a decision based solely off of feelings. If our relationship will make me backslide and be deprecated from God, that's not a relationship I want to be in.

Interesting. Your pastor isn't God and to say that you are not part of the elect if you date a non-Christian is not basing his decisions based upon what the bible says. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 should be your criteria for what a loving relationship should have. It defines love.

As for your salvation, John made it clear that all of those who believe Christ is the son of God is saved. That is point blank and period, even Paul makes it clear too in many of his writings. Thankfully your salvation is based upon what your pastor thinks, because if it was then heaven would be a very lonely place.

Salvation is based on your faith in Christ as your Lord and Savior, not on the word of some pastor. I would suggest looking for a new church if you don't feel welcomed at your church. Churches are hospitals for sinners, not a club house for saints. Case in point is that I know my church is not supportive of homosexuality, yet they still invite them to come and treat them as they would treat any other human being without condemnation. It's hard to explain, but that is the gist. I may not agree with some of my church's doctrine, but I still feel welcomed, loved, and respected as a fellow believer and that's what counts.

 

[technofox]

I really have no idea what happens if he doesn't become Christian . I think it's likely he won't convert in the next year or so, it might be something that happens when children are introduced if at all.

The question here then becomes:

1) is it sinful to marry an unbeliever if I have already been yoked to(to a certain extent) and respects my beliefs?
2) Will this relationship be good for both him and I on a practical level and spiritual level?

It's not a sin to marry a non-believer, nowhere in he bible does it say that. Paul warns against it, because of practical reasons where the couple may disagree on values and/or raise children. Other than that it is not a sin.

For question 2 it depends on the love and respect that you share for each other. If you don't have that as a mutual aspect in your relation now, then it doesn't matter if becomes a believer or not. Again mutual love and respect, along with shared values is what is most important.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I really have no idea what happens if he doesn't become Christian . I think it's likely he won't convert in the next year or so, it might be something that happens when children are introduced if at all.

The question here then becomes:

1) is it sinful to marry an unbeliever if I have already been yoked to(to a certain extent) and respects my beliefs?
2) Will this relationship be good for both him and I on a practical level and spiritual level?

I won't comment on what the Bible says...You hear all sorts of interpretations about that and opinions on what it actually means. I'm no Biblical scholar, nor am I even a Christian, so I'll leave that part to somebody else.

But as far as number 2 goes, it depends on what you want. My best friend's parents are unequally yoked. Dad is Catholic, mom is Jewish. VERY different, in both belief and culture. But their faiths belong to them as individuals. It is important to them, but they make it work because they put respect as pretty much the most important thing in the relationship. They respect each others beliefs, even though they disagree with one another. They still have found a way to support one another despite different faiths. They celebrate Christian holidays and Jewish holidays, her dad says a Christian prayer at dinner and her mom blesses the bread and wine in Hebrew. He respects the food laws in the house, she doesn't ask him to follow them outside the house. She has allowed pork in the house for him (even though she had to sterilize everything afterwards ).

You just need to question it will work for YOU. Can your faith be your own? Can it be something personal between you and God? Can you achieve spiritual fulfillment through a church or Bible study group? Do you have enough in common outside your faith? Do you have other passions? Or is this passion for God and theology going to be so consuming it's not feasible to be with a non-Christian partner?

I guess to use myself as an example, I LOVE science. I'm an animal/science person. Science is my passion and my life. I study biology in grad school, I work at the university teaching labs and tutoring biology, I have pet snakes, 3 dogs, skeletons and skulls laying around the house, and I'd have a reptile room if given the chance. It's just simply not feasible for me to date somebody who isn't an animal person, or who doesn't care about science. Apply that situation to yourself, but instead of science, it's going to be God, and Church, and theology.

 

[Godzila]

I really have no idea what happens if he doesn't become Christian . I think it's likely he won't convert in the next year or so, it might be something that happens when children are introduced if at all.

The question here then becomes:

1) is it sinful to marry an unbeliever if I have already been yoked to(to a certain extent) and respects my beliefs?
2) Will this relationship be good for both him and I on a practical level and spiritual level?

I've heard many amazing things happen, in which those relationships, i would of probably told the person to leave.
However, i would not count on the person "converting". It is the work of the Holy spirit that does that, and we dont' know all the mysteries of it.
It may even be 20 years.....and he may finally be saved.

1.) you are now unequally yoked to him. Once you become saved, you're made "new" again. I am not sure that it is a "sin" to marry an unbeliever. But it is my understanding that you're to not be yoked with unbelievers in marriage. For your own well being so to speak. Yoking yourself with an unbeliever, will cause downfall for your future children, yourself, and those around you.
2.) This relationship is good for the both of you as you will learn how to deal with an unbeliever, and he'll learn about God. But it is certainly NOT practical.

 

[Mochi]

I've heard many amazing things happen, in which those relationships, i would of probably told the person to leave.
However, i would not count on the person "converting". It is the work of the Holy spirit that does that, and we dont' know all the mysteries of it.
It may even be 20 years.....and he may finally be saved.

1.) you are now unequally yoked to him. Once you become saved, you're made "new" again. I am not sure that it is a "sin" to marry an unbeliever. But it is my understanding that you're to not be yoked with unbelievers in marriage. For your own well being so to speak. Yoking yourself with an unbeliever, will cause downfall for your future children, yourself, and those around you.
2.) This relationship is good for the both of you as you will learn how to deal with an unbeliever, and he'll learn about God. But it is certainly NOT practical.

See, I have been given the yoked with unbelievers passage many times. The fact is though, it has not been pushed on me for any of the other close relationships I have with non-Christians.
I have non-christian close family, my best friend isn't saved (and we work together writing novels), my employers are not christian, my team I manage has 0 christians. The people around me get excited about these relationships because I have a chance to "witness" and they DO NOT tell me that I am not to be yoked with them.

This is hypocritical IMHO, and I don't think Christians in general have a good grasp on this passage, since it is NOT specifically about romantic relationships. Every time this passage is brought up, I cringe a little.