Living with inlaws, yes or no or???

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Well, here's the situation in a nut shell. My fiance owns a computer store. My job ends in June, and the plan is for me to go work as his technical assistent so the business can grow and we can afford to live. I'm more than happy to take up that position as I LOVE computer tech, so it's not being forced on me. Fact is, I could take up another full time job somewhere else and probably make slightly better money. But it wouldn't be nearly as logical. Anyway, his parents just offered for us to live in their home until we are financially set to live on our own. His parents and I get along extremely well, and I could learn MANY things from his mom, she's an amazing woman who knows a lot of things I'd like to learn. I could take my time learning the things I need to learn about computer tech and at the same time help his mom out with projects that she can't do alone.

Living with them would enable us to marry this summer, which is what we wanted but didn't see happening. It would also enable us to keep saving for a house or just life in general...and that sounds wonderful to me. We'd have a nice quiet life at his house, his dad's tucked away at his computer all the time, his mom's usually in the kitchen, sewing room, or cleaning, and his brother (who's autistic) is usually in his room all of the time. I have no issue with the space, and if we need our space, there's always the living room, the shop, the great outdoors, the exercise room, etc etc etc.

So, I'm not asking for a yes or no answer I guess...more looking for ideas, things I should be thinking about, concerns that I should have, etc.

Thanks, you guys are the greatest.

 

[...butterfly...]

i lived with future in laws and my fiance before we got engaged...for 9 months...and i was horrible. his mom and i were always fighting..i wouldn't recommend that. you're supposed to be independant of your parents when you get married...leave and cleave...

 

[invisiblebabe]

We live with my in-laws, and it works out great. We are currently condo-hunting and will get a place of our own as soon as we decide on one. I like living here though and while I am excited about getting our own place, I'm not in a rush to leave.

We still have our independence here.... their house has a finished basement and that is where we stay. We're in and out of the house on our own schedule, so while we see my in-laws, it isn't like they are invading our space or anything.

 

[peanutbutter12]

I think it depends on the situation. Getting married, you should be able to get out and on your own. That's always been part of marriage, even back in the bible days when a soon to be husband would leave for a time to prepare the new house for his wife in which they would be married and move in upon his return. Marriage means you stop depending on mommy and daddy and be an adult.

However, things like staying with the in-laws while your house is being built is quite acceptable.

CJ

 

[qootle]

I'll admit that when I read the topic title, it sounded like a bad idea. But then again, you do seem to get on well with his family, and the living arrangement would be a blessing for you guys so hmm. I think the best advice I can give is to pray about it!

(All I know is that if my boyfriend and I ever get married, we won't be living with EITHER set of parents)

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Thanks guys! Yeah, his family and I get along very well. I'm there a LOT just hanging out...even when Ken is not there I'm there helping his mom or whatever. His family would leave us totally alone...they already do. It's like they're not even there...we'd have our own lives. He's got his own life now, he does whatever he needs/wants to do with no curfews set or any such thing. His mom has been my personal mentor through a lot of stuff and we're very close. His brother and I get along very well because I am very gifted in the area of special needs people and he's a pro pianist, as am I. Well I'm not pro, but I'm decent, so we have lots of fun working together. His dad and I are friendly to eachother, whenever we see eachother. Apparently he hasn't liked any other girl that's come into the home but he really likes me, which is a good sign.

So, while it seems like it might be a horrible thing to live with the in-laws, I don't think it would be too bad as long as we were building a house or preparing an apartment in the process...at least saving for one. The business has to grow, but it can't until someone else starts working down there who can do the tech work. So far, his mom is the only other person who works down there and she doesn't pick up any of the tech work, she just watches the store while he's gone on service calls. Sooo yeah, it's a lot to think about and pray about and certainly is not a decision to make today or tomorrow.

And about leaving and cleaving...I brought up that verse to Ken, and he pointed out to me that for him it's more of an emotional seperation and not physical. He's not emotionally attached to his mommy and daddy type of thing. We weren't even thinking of moving in with them at ALL and then his mom brought it up out of the clear blue. Fact is, his parents could use the extra money cause his dad is out of work and isn't looking for any, meanwhile they need to eat. That wasn't his mom's thing though, she was just being kind and generous as always. So we'll see...thanks guys.

 

[Tuffguy]

You don't really have much to lose. Why not just try it and see how it goes? You can always move out.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Thanks! Frankly we don't have anything to lose...we have a great start financially to gain and I'm all for that. We're waiting for final approval from his dad, and then we'll most likely go for it. It's too good an offer to just pass up...

 

[invisiblebabe]

I think it depends on the situation. Getting married, you should be able to get out and on your own. That's always been part of marriage, even back in the bible days when a soon to be husband would leave for a time to prepare the new house for his wife in which they would be married and move in upon his return. Marriage means you stop depending on mommy and daddy and be an adult.

However, things like staying with the in-laws while your house is being built is quite acceptable.

CJ

Back in Bible times, the economy was very different. College education didn't exist, neither did loans or mortgages.

My husband and I have also lived on our own, back when I was finishing my bachelor's degree. We had our own apartment. We are just living with my in-laws now to save up money for our down payment. That way, we will start out in a condo in a nice, safe neighborhood, rather than waste more money renting or find a sub-par location.

I agree with whomever said that "leave and cleave" is emotional and spiritual, not physical. Physical is probably ideal too, but if you aren't emotionally separate from your parents, it won't be a good marriage even if you are living halfway across the world from them.

 

[ThatButton]

Since you're so close with his family I think you could set up a time to discuss moving in. Both you and his parents could lay down ground rules. They don't have be to strict rules but to stay close it would definitely help to lay a foundation of perhaps quirks or concerns you may have when living with other people.

Laying the foundation of concerns can always lead to future discussions of issues that may come up too!

 

[Angeldove97]

I think it would either help create problems with you and your in-laws or really strengthen the family by being together. If you do have to live with them, but see that it's not going to work out, GET OUT! Save the relationships you have with each other before it becomes stressful and hurtful.

My boyfriend (who I'll probably end up marrying) has a bad relationship with his Mother, but he's great with his Dad. I get along with both is parents but I know how sometimes his Mom really hurts him. I couldn't personally live with them for longer than a couple of weeks though I do love them both already. I know my Sweetheart would be miserable, so I would try to avoid that.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Thanks

I have had several conversations with his mom about various concerns, and we're working through them. Of course there will probably be areas that will be tough, but at this point neither one of us sees it. His dad has taken a real liking to me in a very quiet, respectful way, and we get along really well. In fact, he's a very good musician, and while I can play the piano really well, I'm pretty rusty on some of the little stuff...so tonight, he voluntarily coached me for a good hour or so...which is so unusual for him. He also made a comment that sounded pretty close to suggesting that I could come live with them.

In their house each person is an individual adult. Ken is already emotionally seperated from his family and everyone is friends more than family. Of course there's the normal emotional bonds of a family which is wonderful, but he's not like mommy's little boy. This mother is QUITE unusual, and I love her. She's not clinging to her little boy, her only one that is able to get married, she's quite in fact let him go and while she's there for him, she has no rules or restrictions. There aren't any restrictions or rules in the house because it's a very laid back, each for his own kind of atmosphere, which I love.

So...it's still a lot to think about, pray about, pray about, pray about......... but thanks for your input!

 

[lovesbrightpink]

we live with my mom and it is hard at times. She doesnt always understand things as we do but we learn to get around things. If you feel that it would be better for you and you could have a time line it would help.

 

[MrsNaomiC]

My husband and I share our house with another married couple, and it's wonderful. But we made sure before we all moved in together that ALL pre-existing issues were sorted out - no smoking in the house, (obviously), no drugs (VERY obviously), as well as other seemingly silly things like who's kitchen stuff goes in which drawers, how we all share the price of laundry powder and toilet paper, and where the towels we use are kept.
It sounds stupid, but the stupid things are the ones that get you in the end.

You MUST be frank with anyone you're moving in with, and push past answers like "oh, we're all grown ups, I'm sure we'll manage that...". Does the rent you're going to pay cover food? bills? cleaning products? Do you know whether, as a girl, you'll have a drawer in the bathroom of your own? Are you going to get annoyed when you keep popping in to do a load of laundry only to find that someone's beaten you to it again?

As newlyweds (sorry to bring this up), is your room far enough away from everywhere else that you can, erm, enjoy each other's company without any possible chance of being overheard?

On top of covering all of this and everything else that I've forgotten to mention, I reckon you and your man should set a date on which you plan to leave. Word it a bit vaguely ("We're planning to have our own place in about six months...") so that you don't have to stick to it if you're happy - but if you find you can't handle it there for some reason, it'll be a fantastic excuse to leave.

Good luck!! I reckon you can make it work and have a great time too!

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Thanks We are still waiting on final approval from his dad, and then we have to talk to his brother. Let's see...

The rent covers everything...food, cleaning supplies, heat, electricity, internet, yada yada. Basically it'd be just like it is now, only I'd move in and obviously live with Ken.

As far as the bathroom situation goes, that's a real tough thing we're facing. They only have one bathroom, so it'd be one bathroom for 5 people. The good side to it is that they sort of have a routine so that it's not filled all the time by people needing showers. Another good thing is that I lived in a house with 9 people to one bathroom and I made it just fine. There's plenty of space for me to put my personal items, and since I don't do makeup or hair or any of that, I don't take up much space!

His bedroom is one of 4 rooms upstairs...it's in the farthest corner of the house and almost nothing can be heard from the outside of it. His brother has a bedroom on the same floor, opposite end of the house. There's a sewing room and a computer room closer to his bedroom but we'd be pretty secure in his room.

As far as household chores go, I'd help Ken's mom with anything she needed help with. I know she'd be fair and wouldn't expect it of me at all...I just want to give. I'd do our laundry together and I'd have a planned day for it, I do think.

Any more of these small but important questions to think about would be greatly appreciated! There's sooooo much to think about...right now as it stands though, it's an exciting thought. They live SOOOOOO quietly, at the end of an almost dead road with connections to more dead quiet roads that we can walk for miles. They have a piano so I can practice on that, exercise equipment so I can stay in shape, and plenty of room all around. For 5 people it's a large house. It's the perfect lifestyle for me...quiet, laid back, nothing fancy, just a very casual lifestyle and I like it. A LOT. Thanks guys

 

[kidkuk]

WHat if the situation is completely opposite....where the mother in-law moves in with us...not by my choice but my wife's. SHe says her mom has no where to live...I thought it was gonna be something temporary so she could get back on her feet but I was totally wrong. ANd now she's just there...it's so bad that sometimes I can't even leave my room. I am in such a depression mode that I don't even know how to deal with it. I can't talk to the wife about it cause she will just get mad at me. I see no way out of this and don't know how long my marriage can last like this. It has affected me in everyway but she doesn't it. She thinks I've changed just because....I'm desperate. SHe's a nice lady and all that but you can't maintain a marriage like that....especially when I don't even know how long is this gonna take. 1 year, 10 years. I have no idea. HELP ME!!!

 

[bliz]

My only thought is that if you get a job elsewhere that offers health benifits that will cover you and your husband. That's a major cost saver.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Yes, I have had people bring that up to me. At this point in time it does not look like I will be working down at the store with him. A lot has changed and God has convicted me to get a job elsewhere for the stability. So it looks like I will be cleaning homes at a big mountain here and that will pay really well and be way up my alley. As far as benefits go, we may end up having to go through the state. It would cost us far less, and since we almost never see the doctor it wouldn't be taking advantage of the state. A lot to pray about, but everything is admittedly coming around nicely.

 

[littlemrs]

FH and I will be essentially living with his grandma when we get married this month. She had converted her attached garage into an apartment years ago when her daughter and son in law (my fiance's aunt and uncle) got married, but has been functioning as a storage space for at least a decade or more now. When she heard we were having trouble finding an affordable apartment that we liked, she offered up the space to us. It is taking a lot of work to get it ready (cleaning, moving things out, painting, installing new light fixtures, etc.), but it will be worth it in the end, as she isn't charging us a dime for rent or utilities! We are forking out a good deal of money (and sweat!) now to get everything set up, but if we stay there just three months, we'll have saved money.

This is an ideal situation for us. We both have stable jobs that pay fairly well, but would like to put more money into savings to be able to build a home in a couple of years. Living in this apartment will enable us to do that. Plus, we will save gas since the apartment is just two or three minutes down the road from my college and work and his work.

We aren't at all worried about a lack of privacy (which is the main issue when living with someone else, I find) since the apartment has its own entrance. Eric's mom did point out that the wall leading into the house is pretty thin, but the bedroom is on the opposite end.

So, I do think living with in laws can be a great thing if both sets of people are respectful of each other. Are you still planning on doing this?

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

You bet! We have put a ton of work into the house already. As tough as things are financially, we have totally be able to overhaul his room with a new bed and two new desks and a wardrobe cabinet, as well as new paint and a new window. Now we are getting insulation put in the "playroom" walls and we will be putting a boxing gym in there as well as other exercise equipment and later on a bathroom. Ken and I are allowed to "claim" this room whenever we want it, which will be nice. The wedding is also mostly paid for as is the honeymoon so in reality, we're doing very well. My future inlaws and I are still treating eachother with complete respect and liking and I'm there all the time except at night when it's time for bed. When I'm not working, I'm there at the house working or even just doing whatever...so my thinking is that it won't be too much of a big change. The nice thing is, we'll be able to shut the door and sit at our computers without his autistic brother coming in and bugging us. He doesn't mean harm and if we tell him to go away he does, he's quite respectful but just like a little kid, he wants to see if there's any video games being played. There usually are but it gets annoying once in a while, especially when his very very smart brain goes to work and he has comments about the game or whatever we're doing. Love him, get along with him fine, but it'll be nice to have him go away lol.

Anyway, I guess for the right people it's fine. I don't recommend it to most people, it is definitely better to get an apartment if you can, but for us, this is working out perfectly. And we are helping a friend in need, mainly his mom. His dad refuses to get work and his mom is using the retirement fund to live off from. His dad doesn't understand that things will eventually be bad, so he sits around and lazes about. If we did not stay in the house, Jeremy his brother would have to go to a home and his mom and dad would have to sell the house, so I don't consider it a burden but rather helping her out.