Living on your own before marrying?

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I am 27, and my boyfriend is 31. Come December 4th, we will have been dating for a full year. He's lived on his own (and been married and divorced once) for quite a few years now. On the other hand, I still live at home. Recently I have been feeling the urge to find a place of my own. Because of some medical bills and the need to save for apartment expenses, it will be several months before I can REALLY do anything. Tonight I talked with my boyfriend about all of this. He is quite supportive, saying he enjoyed living on his own before marrying (and afterwards now, too), and that it's important in the growth of a person. I do not disagree, but I asked him, regarding our relationship, if he felt it would be a worthwhile step for me to take versus waiting a little while longer before we could be engaged and married (which we've been talking about). His response was, 'yes, go ahead and get your own place if you can. plus it would be somewhere we can hang out when I'm in town.' He lives over 2 hours away.

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but...how important do you think it is for one to live on his or her own before marrying?

 

[anglozaxon]

If you are serious about getting married don't bother living on your own, it will just be a huge amount of expense for you. At the age of 27 I suspect you are grown up enough to know about balancing your budget anyway. I can understand why your BF would like you to move out, as it does increase the scope for him visiting you and maybe staying over... It could be a very tempting situation for him.

To be honest I wish I could have lived with my parents for a year or so before I got married, it would have saved me a lot of money and would have made things a lot easier for us financially.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

If you are serious about getting married don't bother living on your own, it will just be a huge amount of expense for you. At the age of 27 I suspect you are grown up enough to know about balancing your budget anyway. I can understand why your BF would like you to move out, as it does increase the scope for him visiting you and maybe staying over... It could be a very tempting situation for him.

To be honest I wish I could have lived with my parents for a year or so before I got married, it would have saved me a lot of money and would have made things a lot easier for us financially.

I greatly appreciate your response. I feel as if it would be a ton of unnecessary ~everything~ for me, anyway. I even tried to tell him that, depending on the seriousness of our relationship, IF I got an apartment, it would affect whether I would sign a 6-month or year-long lease. I'm sure, like you said, he would seeing me having my own place as a plus when he's in town. I admit in some ways, I do too myself. Also, he makes a lot more money than I do...when I explained to him that moving out would cost me at least, in total (apt. fees along with furniture and such), $800 to $1,000, he seemed to think that was totally okay.

I believe I need to talk to him again and figure out what his ideas on a timeline for our progression are. I tried to get it out of him last night, but it didn't quite work!

More thoughts and advice thoroughly welcome, please!

 

[CounselorForChrist]

My fiance is 27 and I am 31. Only difference is we live 8,000 miles (22 hours) away lol.

I'm a little puzzled by him saying (essentially) if you get your own place he can "visit" you there. Hopefully his intentions are good and hes not pushing you to do this because he thinks by yourselves he can push you into having sex before marriage. I know many men that so whatever the woman wants so they can have sex.

Aside from that:

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but...how important do you think it is for one to live on his or her own before marrying?

Its up to many different factors. Including ones own view. In todays economy I think its harder to go get your own place. If anything I hear that alot of grown adults are moving back home because its to hard on their own.

Now my fiance left her job recently because it made her sick. So she has no income and lives at her mothers parsonage next to the church. Where as I live at home to because I am disabled. so when we marry in a few months she will be coming here and living at home with me and my parents.

Now awkward moments aside (like making love in a small house with others in it lol) we are very comfortable living here together as a married couple because we aren't ready yet to move to our own place. And my parents are supportive of us living here also.

This also gives us lots of time to get money together, jobs...etc so if we choose to we can then get a place together. Living at home often gives you more time to save money. Because even as you said getting a place to live before hand is alot of work and if for some reason you don't work out, then your stuck with a "x" long lease and no one to help you with it/no reason for one.

The amount seems right probably for where you live I imagine. For an apartment here its about $1,000 a month not even counting furniture, fees....etc.

If you don't mind me asking how long was he married and why did he divorce? If you two want to take things to the level of marriage you should find out about that previous marriage. Also who divorced who? Was he ok with divorce?

I ask because if he divorces someone, what reason would he have to keep his vows with you when the time comes. I can deal with people who have had sex before marriage, or stuff like that. But I have a hard time with people that have been divorced. It creates to much trust issues with me. Assuming they were the ones that initiated the divorce. Mind you thats simply my feeling on it. You may feel different.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

My fiance is 27 and I am 31. Only difference is we live 8,000 miles (22 hours) away lol.

I'm a little puzzled by him saying (essentially) if you get your own place he can "visit" you there. Hopefully his intentions are good and hes not pushing you to do this because he thinks by yourselves he can push you into having sex before marriage. I know many men that so whatever the woman wants so they can have sex.

Aside from that:

Its up to many different factors. Including ones own view. In todays economy I think its harder to go get your own place. If anything I hear that alot of grown adults are moving back home because its to hard on their own.

Now my fiance left her job recently because it made her sick. So she has no income and lives at her mothers parsonage next to the church. Where as I live at home to because I am disabled. so when we marry in a few months she will be coming here and living at home with me and my parents.

Now awkward moments aside (like making love in a small house with others in it lol) we are very comfortable living here together as a married couple because we aren't ready yet to move to our own place. And my parents are supportive of us living here also.

This also gives us lots of time to get money together, jobs...etc so if we choose to we can then get a place together. Living at home often gives you more time to save money. Because even as you said getting a place to live before hand is alot of work and if for some reason you don't work out, then your stuck with a "x" long lease and no one to help you with it/no reason for one.

The amount seems right probably for where you live I imagine. For an apartment here its about $1,000 a month not even counting furniture, fees....etc.

If you don't mind me asking how long was he married and why did he divorce? If you two want to take things to the level of marriage you should find out about that previous marriage. Also who divorced who? Was he ok with divorce?

I ask because if he divorces someone, what reason would he have to keep his vows with you when the time comes. I can deal with people who have had sex before marriage, or stuff like that. But I have a hard time with people that have been divorced. It creates to much trust issues with me. Assuming they were the ones that initiated the divorce. Mind you thats simply my feeling on it. You may feel different.

Yeah, to get into a place here it is around $1,000 or more, what with furniture, first and last month's rent/deposits, etc. Average rent per month, depending on the area and features, for a 1 or 2 bedroom place is in the $425 to $550 range.

To answer your questions, we've talked a lot about his past. They were married for nearly one year. She cheated on him, first of all. She also would throw raging fits (sometimes breaking things or throwing things at him) and drank way too much alcohol. She hid a lot of things about her true self while they were dating, and ran out on him to move in with friends after they had a minor arguement. He wanted it to work, hated the thought of divorce, but she did not care. However, I've never thought to ask who divorced who.

 

[LinkH]

Aside from that:
Now my fiance left her job recently because it made her sick. So she has no income and lives at her mothers parsonage next to the church. Where as I live at home to because I am disabled. so when we marry in a few months she will be coming here and living at home with me and my parents.

Now awkward moments aside (like making love in a small house with others in it lol) we are very comfortable living here together as a married couple because we aren't ready yet to move to our own place. And my parents are supportive of us living here also.

I'm not saying it can't work out fine, but I've had the experience of bringing a wife from a foreign country to stay with her in-laws. Thrown in pregnancy hormones and a period of unemployment, and you can have a very stressful time for a woman to go through. Each one of those alone is stressful. Just staying with in-laws is stressful.

People often go through culture shock. The first weeks in a foreign country are exciting as you see how everything is different. Then, the fact that things are different makes you feel out of place. You can get stressed out and just not like the country. Sometimes it subsides in about 6 months when you accept your surroundings.

The down side of getting married and staying with in-laws overseas is that you have a challenge to keep your wife in a good mood during that six month period. In my experience, close loving friendships, made right away, can likely decrease or remove the chance for culture shock. I'd imagine a marriage can do the same thing. With in-laws/ parents in the house, it would be quite a challenge.

 

[LinkH]

somethingBEAUTIFUL

I don't think it is particularly all that helpful for a girl to live away from her parents before marriage. If she lives at home and is submissive to her father as she lives under his authority, and goes directly to living her husband, submitting to her husband may not be that difficult. A period of potentially 'wild' independence may not help that. That's not really that big of a deal, necessarily. I just think living with parents, if they are protective enough, can help keep a young woman out of trouble. (And a young man, too.)

There are some advantages to a young man living alone if he has learned self-control at home. He learns to handle his finances, hopefully, and has to be responsible for folding his own laundry and ironing, cooking, and basic survival skills like that. It's probably better to be married to a man who has some of those skills. Of course, if a young woman's mother does all the laundry and cooks for her and doesn't teach her to take care of some of these things as a young woman in the home, that could put her at a disadvantage, too.

The problem with young people living alone is if they go through a time of being a bit wild when they leave their parents. Some young people drink a lot, fornicate, etc. I would imagine if a young woman went from her parents house to her husbands house, there might be a higher chance of her being a virgin or less promiscuous. Some fathers aren't very protective of their daughter's virtue-- that's the norm in this culture unfortunately. So that part may not matter. I read a blog that showed some research arguing that bridal virginity could result in much lower rates of divorce later on, even if she lost her virginity with her future spouse (though that was preferable to multiple partners in terms of divorce rate.)

For me, it wasn't a deal breaker. My wife lived in a boarding house, and I was fine with that. I think more deeply about these things now that I have been married for a while and have children of my own.

For me, if a woman had been divorced that would have been a deal-breaker-- or a deal no starter for me. That passage that says, "and he that marries her that is divorce commits adultery" did it for me. In a woman's case, "He that divorceth his wife, except it be for fornication, commiteth adultery, and he that marries her that is divorced commiteth adultery" are things to consider. If the man was the one who left, especially with no real grounds at all (beyond we don't get along, etc.) that's a major red flag. Just stay away from that. It may hurt, but there are plenty of godly men out there. I don't know your fiancees background.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

somethingBEAUTIFUL

I don't think it is particularly all that helpful for a girl to live away from her parents before marriage. If she lives at home and is submissive to her father as she lives under his authority, and goes directly to living her husband, submitting to her husband may not be that difficult. A period of potentially 'wild' independence may not help that. That's not really that big of a deal, necessarily. I just think living with parents, if they are protective enough, can help keep a young woman out of trouble. (And a young man, too.)

There are some advantages to a young man living alone if he has learned self-control at home. He learns to handle his finances, hopefully, and has to be responsible for folding his own laundry and ironing, cooking, and basic survival skills like that. It's probably better to be married to a man who has some of those skills. Of course, if a young woman's mother does all the laundry and cooks for her and doesn't teach her to take care of some of these things as a young woman in the home, that could put her at a disadvantage, too.

The problem with young people living alone is if they go through a time of being a bit wild when they leave their parents. Some young people drink a lot, fornicate, etc. I would imagine if a young woman went from her parents house to her husbands house, there might be a higher chance of her being a virgin or less promiscuous. Some fathers aren't very protective of their daughter's virtue-- that's the norm in this culture unfortunately. So that part may not matter. I read a blog that showed some research arguing that bridal virginity could result in much lower rates of divorce later on, even if she lost her virginity with her future spouse (though that was preferable to multiple partners in terms of divorce rate.)

For me, it wasn't a deal breaker. My wife lived in a boarding house, and I was fine with that. I think more deeply about these things now that I have been married for a while and have children of my own.

For me, if a woman had been divorced that would have been a deal-breaker-- or a deal no starter for me. That passage that says, "and he that marries her that is divorce commits adultery" did it for me. In a woman's case, "He that divorceth his wife, except it be for fornication, commiteth adultery, and he that marries her that is divorced commiteth adultery" are things to consider. If the man was the one who left, especially with no real grounds at all (beyond we don't get along, etc.) that's a major red flag. Just stay away from that. It may hurt, but there are plenty of godly men out there. I don't know your fiancees background.

Good response, I agree with pretty much all of what you said!

His ex-wife committed adultery and ran out on him, among other things that I stated in a previous post

 

[iambren]

Just get married.


It is kinda nice to have that "grow-up" time before marriage but you are probably past that, and think of the money you would save!

If your 1-year marriage is done at 2 hours a way (essentially a LTR) I am a little concerned how much you really know of each other. Maybe he needs to move where YOU are, have private time at his place, then develop relationship to point of deciding marriage.

 

[Luther073082]

Did you live away from your parents while at college or anything?

Outside of not paying rent, are your parents paying for anything else? Are you taking care of yourself such as doing your own chores and getting yourself up for work or anything. (I presume you are, most people do, but a few people are still dependent on their parents to do these things.)

There are definatly things you can learn from living away from your parents. But on the other hand, I wouldn't say it's absolutly necessary. My wife and I had both lived away from our parents for some amount of time. . . me in college and her with a bf that she moved in with before becomming a Christian. But we both moved back in for economic reasons and moved out to the place we are now together when we got married.

The other thing to consider is becomming too set in your ways for marriage. You do not want to be in a situation where you expect everything to be done in a certain way and get upset if that changes. Because when you get married, one of the things no one really talks about in the first year or so is becomming set in your own way of doing things between the two of you.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Just get married.


It is kinda nice to have that "grow-up" time before marriage but you are probably past that, and think of the money you would save!

If your 1-year marriage is done at 2 hours a way (essentially a LTR) I am a little concerned how much you really know of each other. Maybe he needs to move where YOU are, have private time at his place, then develop relationship to point of deciding marriage.

Lol! Yeah, I am kinda past that.

To be perfectly honest, we probably don't know each quite well enough yet to get married. We're getting there...and our "best-friendship" has really been deepening lately, which I know is important.

I'd love it IF he could move here. However, I love the town he lives in and the town he is close to...lots more to do than around here. He has a wonderful (and stressful) job, though, and just received promotion in June that he'd been working well over a year for, and he will get another raise in January. Around this area, there would not be much opportunity for him. He's checked...

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Did you live away from your parents while at college or anything?

Outside of not paying rent, are your parents paying for anything else? Are you taking care of yourself such as doing your own chores and getting yourself up for work or anything. (I presume you are, most people do, but a few people are still dependent on their parents to do these things.)

There are definatly things you can learn from living away from your parents. But on the other hand, I wouldn't say it's absolutly necessary. My wife and I had both lived away from our parents for some amount of time. . . me in college and her with a bf that she moved in with before becomming a Christian. But we both moved back in for economic reasons and moved out to the place we are now together when we got married.

The other thing to consider is becomming too set in your ways for marriage. You do not want to be in a situation where you expect everything to be done in a certain way and get upset if that changes. Because when you get married, one of the things no one really talks about in the first year or so is becomming set in your own way of doing things between the two of you.

No, I went to a local college and haven't ever lived on my own.

I've gotten myself up on my own since 3rd grade (literally), and I do the majority of the inside household chores, buy about 1/2 of the groceries, all pet food/supplies, and the majority of paper products and cleaning products. My car is paid off, and I pay the insurance on it, as well as taking care of any of my own doctor/medical bills or whatever.

I don't think it would be a necessity for me to live on my own, but it's a nice thought. I almost told him the other night, but didn't, that I am sorta afraid that I'd get to where I liked it too much That would apply to what you said about becoming "set in your ways." I know what you mean. Can you explain more, though, please? Were you referring to him, myself, or both of us? Thanks!

 

[Luther073082]

No, I went to a local college and haven't ever lived on my own.

I've gotten myself up on my own since 3rd grade (literally), and I do the majority of the inside household chores, buy about 1/2 of the groceries, all pet food/supplies, and the majority of paper products and cleaning products. My car is paid off, and I pay the insurance on it, as well as taking care of any of my own doctor/medical bills or whatever.

I don't think it would be a necessity for me to live on my own, but it's a nice thought. I almost told him the other night, but didn't, that I am sorta afraid that I'd get to where I liked it too much That would apply to what you said about becoming "set in your ways." I know what you mean. Can you explain more, though, please? Were you referring to him, myself, or both of us? Thanks!

I was referring actually to both of you.

If you live on your own for a long time, you can become set in your own way of doing things and having someone come in and change that can cause conflict.

On the other hand with you, if you have lived with your parents your whole life, you could easily become set in the ways you and your parents have always done them, and again having someone enter the equation and change those things can be upsetting.

As far as living on your own. You should probably have a good idea what the plan is and when the two of you are going to get married. If you are going to get married in about a year, I'd just stick with your parents and save up as much money as you can for after the wedding.

However if it's going to be more then a year and you can afford it, I would say you should probably get out on your own. It could help a bit to have been out of the house for a little while. It's hard to say how your parents might handle it and it might be nice to set down boundaries early when it's just you and them without a spouse entering the mix. Also while you can set your own structure and schedule somewhat while living with your parents, there are typically some restrictions to it. But living on your own you really get the feeling of structuring yourself.

The other thing is, that personally, I totally get economic reasons for living at home. But on the other hand, if there are no health or economic reasons for doing so, then it sort of makes me wonder . . . "why you doing that?" So if you can afford it ok. . . it's probably a good time to leave the nest.

At this point it seems like it's going to be more then a year before you are married. But you should really get to a solid timeline as to when engagement and marriage might happen if everything goes right. How long have the 2 of you been dating again? I just know that Melissa and I had a timeline on marriage after we had only been together for a few months. And I kind of violated the time line because I moved things a bit ahead of when I had planned. (I had origionally planned to ask in the Summer of '09, ended up asking in March of '09)

I know everyone is different but it seems like you've been going out for a while and you don't really seem to know when/if an engagement and marriage is comming. And I just think it's important to know these things.

 

[Hetta]

I am 27, and my boyfriend is 31. Come December 4th, we will have been dating for a full year. He's lived on his own (and been married and divorced once) for quite a few years now. On the other hand, I still live at home. Recently I have been feeling the urge to find a place of my own. Because of some medical bills and the need to save for apartment expenses, it will be several months before I can REALLY do anything. Tonight I talked with my boyfriend about all of this. He is quite supportive, saying he enjoyed living on his own before marrying (and afterwards now, too), and that it's important in the growth of a person. I do not disagree, but I asked him, regarding our relationship, if he felt it would be a worthwhile step for me to take versus waiting a little while longer before we could be engaged and married (which we've been talking about). His response was, 'yes, go ahead and get your own place if you can. plus it would be somewhere we can hang out when I'm in town.' He lives over 2 hours away.


Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but...how important do you think it is for one to live on his or her own before marrying?

Hmmm. Do you mind me asking whether yours is a physical relationship? Do you have sex? Do you think that perhaps he is seeing you in your own place as a way to "avoid" marriage, because you guys can "hang out" - and have a sexual relationship - without marriage? I see some red flags halfway up the flagpole at this point.

If you are paying bills, supporting yourself, etc. I don't see that there is any "further growth" to be obtained by living alone.

 

[anglozaxon]

Hmmm. Do you mind me asking whether yours is a physical relationship? Do you have sex? Do you think that perhaps he is seeing you in your own place as a way to "avoid" marriage, because you guys can "hang out" - and have a sexual relationship - without marriage? I see some red flags halfway up the flagpole at this point.

If you are paying bills, supporting yourself, etc. I don't see that there is any "further growth" to be obtained by living alone.

Totally agree with you, but you are a bit mor blunt than me lol

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I was referring actually to both of you.

If you live on your own for a long time, you can become set in your own way of doing things and having someone come in and change that can cause conflict.

On the other hand with you, if you have lived with your parents your whole life, you could easily become set in the ways you and your parents have always done them, and again having someone enter the equation and change those things can be upsetting.

As far as living on your own. You should probably have a good idea what the plan is and when the two of you are going to get married. If you are going to get married in about a year, I'd just stick with your parents and save up as much money as you can for after the wedding.

However if it's going to be more then a year and you can afford it, I would say you should probably get out on your own. It could help a bit to have been out of the house for a little while. It's hard to say how your parents might handle it and it might be nice to set down boundaries early when it's just you and them without a spouse entering the mix. Also while you can set your own structure and schedule somewhat while living with your parents, there are typically some restrictions to it. But living on your own you really get the feeling of structuring yourself.

The other thing is, that personally, I totally get economic reasons for living at home. But on the other hand, if there are no health or economic reasons for doing so, then it sort of makes me wonder . . . "why you doing that?" So if you can afford it ok. . . it's probably a good time to leave the nest.

At this point it seems like it's going to be more then a year before you are married. But you should really get to a solid timeline as to when engagement and marriage might happen if everything goes right. How long have the 2 of you been dating again? I just know that Melissa and I had a timeline on marriage after we had only been together for a few months. And I kind of violated the time line because I moved things a bit ahead of when I had planned. (I had origionally planned to ask in the Summer of '09, ended up asking in March of '09)

I know everyone is different but it seems like you've been going out for a while and you don't really seem to know when/if an engagement and marriage is comming. And I just think it's important to know these things.

Thank you for clarifying. I understand exactly what you are saying, too. I believe he and I both are already set in our ways about a lot of things. Of course, I know that can be worked out and compromised on.

Yes, we've been going out for nearly a year (Dec. 4 will be a year). I believe it's time to talk about a timeline.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Hmmm. Do you mind me asking whether yours is a physical relationship? Do you have sex? Do you think that perhaps he is seeing you in your own place as a way to "avoid" marriage, because you guys can "hang out" - and have a sexual relationship - without marriage? I see some red flags halfway up the flagpole at this point.

If you are paying bills, supporting yourself, etc. I don't see that there is any "further growth" to be obtained by living alone.

I don't mind. For the first 7 months, we kept great boundaries. Then, we let our guards down...and, it led to us having sex. The opportunity doesn't present itself often, though. Which truly I'm thankful for. I'm planning to talk to him soon about cutting out the sex. I know it isn't right, and I've been feeling convicted about it.

I believe he'd definitely see me having my own place as a plus due to the fact we wouldn't have to restrict our "activities" to his place when I go visit up there on a Saturday now and then. In fact, when he was here this past weekend, during a particularly romantic goodnight moment, he said, "Yep, you definitely could use your own place. Then we wouldn't have to stop this..."

 

[Hetta]

I don't mind. For the first 7 months, we kept great boundaries. Then, we let our guards down...and, it led to us having sex. The opportunity doesn't present itself often, though. Which truly I'm thankful for. I'm planning to talk to him soon about cutting out the sex. I know it isn't right, and I've been feeling convicted about it.

I believe he'd definitely see me having my own place as a plus due to the fact we wouldn't have to restrict our "activities" to his place when I go visit up there on a Saturday now and then. In fact, when he was here this past weekend, during a particularly romantic goodnight moment, he said, "Yep, you definitely could use your own place. Then we wouldn't have to stop this..."

Oh .. then I would be concerned, yes, that this is not going to lead to marriage any time soon. I am not judging you on having sex, but it seems quite obvious to me that he is encouraging you to move out so that you can be intimate more easily.

Try cutting out those things that lead to sex, explaining to him why, and see what his attitude is. If he cools off, then I think you can be pretty sure he does not want to marry.

 

[Luther073082]

I don't mind. For the first 7 months, we kept great boundaries. Then, we let our guards down...and, it led to us having sex. The opportunity doesn't present itself often, though. Which truly I'm thankful for. I'm planning to talk to him soon about cutting out the sex. I know it isn't right, and I've been feeling convicted about it.

I believe he'd definitely see me having my own place as a plus due to the fact we wouldn't have to restrict our "activities" to his place when I go visit up there on a Saturday now and then. In fact, when he was here this past weekend, during a particularly romantic goodnight moment, he said, "Yep, you definitely could use your own place. Then we wouldn't have to stop this..."

Again I wouldn't be opposed to you getting your own place but since these things have happened you may need to set boundaries so you don't end up alone with him there.

Does he belive sex before marriage is wrong?

I don't blame him for WANTING to have sex and I'm not going to judge the two of you for having sex, but I'm also concerned that this presents him an opprotunity to have more sex which he may be looking forward to.

And I won't say that will lead to him not wanting to get married... but having sex can certainly lead him to being more willing to push it back then he might have otherwise.

It's also a little concerning that he has expressed how much he likes living on his own.

And yes, you need to know when this whole marriage thing is going to happen. You need to be fairly secure that marriage is actually in his plans. Any guy can say that they want to get married or plan to get married . . . A lot of guys might say that to pacify a woman and keep her around.

Taking and putting dates to it however is a different matter. That forces them to either come through, get engaged and get married like they said or to make up excuses as to why they had to push it back and hoping that the woman they are with will keep believing those excuses.

This is also important because, I belive you said he's been married once before. Having been previously married and it ending poorly like it did makes him even more likely to not want to be re-married anytime soon. And while that's somewhat understandable. . . you also need to know if the two of you are heading in completly different directions on this.

Because a 5 or 10 year plan while he deals with his baggage and past just doesn't work for you. Given your ages and all of the other factors in this, you should really be questioning things if the "plan" does not involve you getting married within the next 2 years.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

And I won't say that will lead to him not wanting to get married... but having sex can certainly lead him to being more willing to push it back then he might have otherwise.

Or he may say "Well I got some sex out of this, time to move on!". Most people all say "I can move in with my boy/girlfriend, we won't have sex because we are strong and different then most people!". One month later they tell you they have been having sex. Sex is more tempting then most know. You may think your prepared to fight the urge but once your alone with someone things change.

I'm planning to talk to him soon about cutting out the sex. I know it isn't right, and I've been feeling convicted about it.

Now if he seems put off by the idea of no longer having sex then my feeling is his true intentions are then showing. If he loves you he will understand that you both messing up and need to change your ways. The conviction will only get worse, especially if theres a mistake (condom breaking) and you get pregnant.

Which might I add if your not married and you get pregnant you take a risk he will run off and avoid wanting to marry. Sure he would have to pay child support, but having a child and trying to find another man to be with will be harder.