Living on your own before marrying?

[LinkH]

Apparently, our Lord Jesus did not always live with his mother Mary when He was traveling.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

it's sinful. the bible says in genesis 2 the only reason you leave your parents house is when you get married.

Are you referring to verse 24? I wouldn't think it sinful...

 

[xDenax]

I don't think it's important to live on your own before marriage. It's not a big deal. You are perfectly able to behave like an adult without having your own place. People do it all the time.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I don't think it's important to live on your own before marriage. It's not a big deal. You are perfectly able to behave like an adult without having your own place. People do it all the time.

Thank you!

 

[anglozaxon]

you decided what you are doing yet?

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

anglozaxon, I am tempted to work on saving up money and moving out within the next 6 months. I'm sure I'd enjoy having a place of my own, but I"m also sure I'd transition pretty well into marrying and living with my husband too, without any solitary living first.

Only thing is, I'm afraid of it backfiring and it providing an easier way for my boyfriend to delay looking at our future in the long run.

 

[Luther073082]

anglozaxon, I am tempted to work on saving up money and moving out within the next 6 months. I'm sure I'd enjoy having a place of my own, but I"m also sure I'd transition pretty well into marrying and living with my husband too, without any solitary living first.

Only thing is, I'm afraid of it backfiring and it providing an easier way for my boyfriend to delay looking at our future in the long run.

If your boyfriend is looking for reasons or finding reasons to delay marriage, are you really sure that you want to marry him in the first place?

How well is a marriage going to work if one party feels rushed or dragged into it?

This is what bothers me about him. I just don't feel like marriage is the end result he has in mind, or if it is what he has in mind, it's not one that he's anticipating doing for a very long time.

Sort of like his plan isn't to get engaged once he feels sure he can spend the rest of his life with you, but instead to get engaged and married when he feels like it. Which none of us really know when that may be.

Have you talked to him yet about where this is going? Cause you may be thinking, marriage and committment and he may be thinking about just dating for the next 5 years or more.

Oh and does he have any children and does he want any children with you?

As far as living on your own. I think if you can afford it you should probably do that regardless. Like I said if living on your own is going to give him reason to delay marriage, I'm not so sure you want to be marrying him.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

If your boyfriend is looking for reasons or finding reasons to delay marriage, are you really sure that you want to marry him in the first place?

How well is a marriage going to work if one party feels rushed or dragged into it?

This is what bothers me about him. I just don't feel like marriage is the end result he has in mind, or if it is what he has in mind, it's not one that he's anticipating doing for a very long time.

Sort of like his plan isn't to get engaged once he feels sure he can spend the rest of his life with you, but instead to get engaged and married when he feels like it. Which none of us really know when that may be.

Have you talked to him yet about where this is going? Cause you may be thinking, marriage and committment and he may be thinking about just dating for the next 5 years or more.

Oh and does he have any children and does he want any children with you?

As far as living on your own. I think if you can afford it you should probably do that regardless. Like I said if living on your own is going to give him reason to delay marriage, I'm not so sure you want to be marrying him.

When we began dating, our first date was a double one with his brother and my good friend (they basically set us up), who have been married 4 years now. The next date was just us, and that night we talked about how we both were looking for our future marriage partners, no more playing around or dating "for fun". HE was the one who said that there's absolutely no reason for dragging around and prolonging things unnecessarily while in a relationship.

He wants kids, a lot, and he early on started talking about having some with me. Just 2 weeks ago I reminded him that neither one of us is getting any younger, especially not me. He has none of his own of course.

At the same time, I don't know how much he's talked with his brother about this, if any, but I got to have a conversation with him recently. His bro said, "Well, he's been through a lot in the past, and he was hurt so badly by his ex. You have to take that into consideration. And you're, what, 28? Plenty of time for babies!" (Yes, I know my boyfriend has been hurt, but that was almost 3 years ago, and we've discussed it a lot. I wanted to roll my eyes at the baby part too. He wasn't being insensitive; I think it's because he is a first-time dad at 35, while his wife is 27.) He explained to me that a lot of men in their 20s and early 30s think they have all the time in the world for things, too.

Maybe marriage isn't the end result he has in mind with me. I need to ask him bluntly what his thoughts are, today. Then I'll know!

 

[anglozaxon]

I hope you hear the answers you want to hear

 

[Luther073082]

When we began dating, our first date was a double one with his brother and my good friend (they basically set us up), who have been married 4 years now. The next date was just us, and that night we talked about how we both were looking for our future marriage partners, no more playing around or dating "for fun". HE was the one who said that there's absolutely no reason for dragging around and prolonging things unnecessarily while in a relationship.

He wants kids, a lot, and he early on started talking about having some with me. Just 2 weeks ago I reminded him that neither one of us is getting any younger, especially not me. He has none of his own of course.

At the same time, I don't know how much he's talked with his brother about this, if any, but I got to have a conversation with him recently. His bro said, "Well, he's been through a lot in the past, and he was hurt so badly by his ex. You have to take that into consideration. And you're, what, 28? Plenty of time for babies!" (Yes, I know my boyfriend has been hurt, but that was almost 3 years ago, and we've discussed it a lot. I wanted to roll my eyes at the baby part too. He wasn't being insensitive; I think it's because he is a first-time dad at 35, while his wife is 27.) He explained to me that a lot of men in their 20s and early 30s think they have all the time in the world for things, too.

Maybe marriage isn't the end result he has in mind with me. I need to ask him bluntly what his thoughts are, today. Then I'll know!

And I can respect him being hurt too. . . But at the end of the day you need someone who's on track with your timeline.

We could maybe give him a little bit of leeway because he was hurt by his ex wife. But in the end you can't hang around for like 5 to 10 years while he gets over this.

It's good that he said that he wants to get married and have children. But has he talked much about marriage and children since the beginning of the relationship?

It's like I said before, you need to have a timeline, I think it's best that every couple figures this one out when they get serious. Yes perhaps it ruins the "surprise" of the marriage proposal. But if you ask me people get way way too into marriage proposals in the first place. One because they will often risk staying with someone for too long just so they can be surprised IF he decides to ask.

The other on the guys if you ask me is they often plan overly elaborate ways of asking. The problem with elaborate plans is they require a lot of detailed planning. . . and the more details you put into a plan the more likely there is that something will go wrong. . . And inevitibly something ALWAYS goes wrong.

I've never heard an elaborate marriage proposal plan where everything went the way it was suppose to.

(That's a little side rant about all of that. I went the simple down on one knee, will you marry me route and I'm glad I did.)

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Yeah, I agree to a timeline.

I couldn't *really* talk with him tonight about anything. Basically he was having a bad day and was therefore in a non-serious-talking mood. Plus we tried to get on Skype, and the connection at my house can get bad, and that irritated him further.

I feel like it'd be a better face-to-face conversation anyhow.

 

[Luther073082]

Yeah, I agree to a timeline.

I couldn't *really* talk with him tonight about anything. Basically he was having a bad day and was therefore in a non-serious-talking mood. Plus we tried to get on Skype, and the connection at my house can get bad, and that irritated him further.

I feel like it'd be a better face-to-face conversation anyhow.

Yeah I would talk to him face to face about this next time you meet.

 

[anglozaxon]

Yeah, I agree to a timeline.

I couldn't *really* talk with him tonight about anything. Basically he was having a bad day and was therefore in a non-serious-talking mood. Plus we tried to get on Skype, and the connection at my house can get bad, and that irritated him further.

I feel like it'd be a better face-to-face conversation anyhow.

Definitely a face to face type conversation. When you finally get this guy in shape and marrying you, you will be moving into his house, have you considered how it will be living away from home friends and family?

 

[If Not For Grace]

Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but...how important do you think it is for one to live on his or her own before marrying?

Why? At 27, I would think you would have long been "away" from "home". JMHO But it should be REQUIRED prior to marriage for both parties to have lived alone at least one yr prior to marriage. Rent receipts and utility bills or the equal should be required before obtaining a marriage license.

It helps with maturity, builds ones credit and establishes indpendance in general. Which is what marriage should be a partnership between 2 individuals based on trust, love and respect (mutual).
A child living at home has not likely handled repairs, property crises (floods, tornados, damages) not to mention the idea of being alone and being content with some solitary time. If you go from Daddy to husband often times it can be conducive to a Co-dependant relationship. 1 of every 2 marriages end in divorce--nobody gets married expecting to be divorced...but it happens allot.

People have to go through an adjustment period to ANY new situation. The two don't become one "poof" like magic, it is a process. It will be good for you. It can certainly do no harm and Luther and others are correct you don't want to "push" anyone who may be having committment issues or any issue into marriage ever, not even gently..)

Give it a go and enjoy the spirit of becoming your own person-you need to be your own person before you can truly Give yourself to any one else. You will never be sorry you did it. It's a great feeling to have your own place, make your own decisions. Put your own things where you want them, be responsible for the lights, rent, gas, cleaning...It's a good deal. It gives you something to bring to the marriage.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I think that living on your own is a big, big must. At 27, like was said earlier, I would have thought that there was a drive to be out on your own already. I worry when you jump from one co-dependant living situation to another, there's just skills you won't have and should, and experiences you should get but will not have.

But honestly, I'm not going to get too deep into the whys, because I don't think that's the real question/issue... You said initially you were thinking about it, but then said you didn't really want to, but then you said you'd think about it again... And never once said that it was something you were really wanting to do. I actually think that, the real issue is, you want a commitment from your boyfriend of nearly a year to propose, or at least commit himself to a timeline. You were hoping that when you said "I'm thinking of moving out on my own" that he'd say "no, no, no... Wait until we're married or engaged... It's not going to be that long, so don't waste the money" and not "Great idea!! I'll help you pack!"

First of all, a year isn't that long to be together, and if you've been talking marriage and kids that much and your relationship isn't even a year old, he may think everything is moving too fast. Considering he was married before and it turned out poorly, rushing into marriage is probably something he's looking to avoid, even if he thinks you're great. If you'd been together like 2 or 3 years, living close together, saw each other on a daily basis, or if you lived together, I'd say that yeah, it's time to get some stuff set in stone. But a long distance relationship that's anywhere from 9-11 months old... I don't think it's really reasonable to be ring shopping just yet. A lot changes when you see somebody daily, see their living habits, see them when they don't have time to prepare themselves for your arrival. It's the difference between seeing a play once a week because you love it, and being behind the scenes for every day. There are still a lot of variables and to pressure marriage this quick is just a recipe for disaster, especially if he isn't ready to remarry.

Second, what men say and what they do when it's crunch time are two totally different things. Talking about how great it'd be to be married, have kids, and settle down is one thing, but here's guessing that if you told him that you were pregnant and wanted to get married ASAP, he wouldn't exactly be thrilled to pieces. And it's more than having a timeline for when those things should happen and the panic that comes with it, it's that when a concept goes from abstract "yeah sure, one day..." to a concrete thing, then the game changes. He's given a lot of red flags that what he says isn't really what he means, or at least means at the moment. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy or that he's lying or that he's tricking you, it just means that you guys have a train to a similar destination traveling at different speeds. You're obviously on the express line, he's making every last stop along the way. I'd even say that a timeline isn't really going to help much. He'll either say he doesn't want to deal with it now, or he'll give the answer that he may think he can meet or that you want to hear, but the answer will change again when you get further down the line. Again, doesn't mean he's a bad guy... Everybody just needs to be OK with marriage in their own time. If you want to wait, fabulous, but if not... Perhaps it's time to think about a different plan as opposed to pressuring him to yours.

Third, when you have that talk, he won't propose and I bet he won't even put down a time for proposal as being anywhere close to around now. He's given you a ton of warning signs that he's not close to that level of commitment yet. The biggest one I saw was that when you said you were thinking about moving out, he said he'd have a place to go when he was in town... Not "Great! Now you can live closer to me!" or "I hope you move nearby." Anybody who's anywhere close to committing to somebody makes plans to bring them closer or would request being nearer, or maybe, if things were that serious, he'd talk about moving to be near you. They wouldn't say "Awesome! What we've been doing before, long-distance, but somewhere new!"

So, as to moving out, I say do it. As to getting your boyfriend to propose... Not happening anywhere in the near future.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Talking about how great it'd be to be married, have kids, and settle down is one thing, but here's guessing that if you told him that you were pregnant and wanted to get married ASAP, he wouldn't exactly be thrilled to pieces.

Yep so true. I've seen alot of men that lay out how dreamy things will be with their gf/fiances..... then when something comes along like a baby (ignore the fact its sex before marriage), then suddenly the men freak out about it. Its not fitting their time line of how/what they wanted.

One of the women I was with who was a bit controlling wanted to marry me at an exact time, have kids at a specific time....etc. She had our lives all scheduled out and we weren't even engaged yet. I mean its fine if you want to have dreams, but oftent he timelines we have are not the ones that happen. I wanted to be a pediatrician, but my seizure came and that changed what I was going to do.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Definitely a face to face type conversation. When you finally get this guy in shape and marrying you, you will be moving into his house, have you considered how it will be living away from home friends and family?

Yeah, it would be pretty tough, moving 2-and-a-half hours away from where I've more or less lived my whole life (this area). He and I have talked about this. I am especially reluctant to leave my dear grandma, who is still quite able-bodied at 76, but her age is catching up with her in some ways too. We are VERY close.

Boyfriend knows all of this. Also though, he knows that I would adjust and be fine with living away from here. Still, he's admitted he is worried that I would be sad living away from my family and home.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I think that living on your own is a big, big must. At 27, like was said earlier, I would have thought that there was a drive to be out on your own already. I worry when you jump from one co-dependant living situation to another, there's just skills you won't have and should, and experiences you should get but will not have.

But honestly, I'm not going to get too deep into the whys, because I don't think that's the real question/issue... You said initially you were thinking about it, but then said you didn't really want to, but then you said you'd think about it again... And never once said that it was something you were really wanting to do. I actually think that, the real issue is, you want a commitment from your boyfriend of nearly a year to propose, or at least commit himself to a timeline. You were hoping that when you said "I'm thinking of moving out on my own" that he'd say "no, no, no... Wait until we're married or engaged... It's not going to be that long, so don't waste the money" and not "Great idea!! I'll help you pack!"

First of all, a year isn't that long to be together, and if you've been talking marriage and kids that much and your relationship isn't even a year old, he may think everything is moving too fast. Considering he was married before and it turned out poorly, rushing into marriage is probably something he's looking to avoid, even if he thinks you're great. If you'd been together like 2 or 3 years, living close together, saw each other on a daily basis, or if you lived together, I'd say that yeah, it's time to get some stuff set in stone. But a long distance relationship that's anywhere from 9-11 months old... I don't think it's really reasonable to be ring shopping just yet. A lot changes when you see somebody daily, see their living habits, see them when they don't have time to prepare themselves for your arrival. It's the difference between seeing a play once a week because you love it, and being behind the scenes for every day. There are still a lot of variables and to pressure marriage this quick is just a recipe for disaster, especially if he isn't ready to remarry.

Second, what men say and what they do when it's crunch time are two totally different things. Talking about how great it'd be to be married, have kids, and settle down is one thing, but here's guessing that if you told him that you were pregnant and wanted to get married ASAP, he wouldn't exactly be thrilled to pieces. And it's more than having a timeline for when those things should happen and the panic that comes with it, it's that when a concept goes from abstract "yeah sure, one day..." to a concrete thing, then the game changes. He's given a lot of red flags that what he says isn't really what he means, or at least means at the moment. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy or that he's lying or that he's tricking you, it just means that you guys have a train to a similar destination traveling at different speeds. You're obviously on the express line, he's making every last stop along the way. I'd even say that a timeline isn't really going to help much. He'll either say he doesn't want to deal with it now, or he'll give the answer that he may think he can meet or that you want to hear, but the answer will change again when you get further down the line. Again, doesn't mean he's a bad guy... Everybody just needs to be OK with marriage in their own time. If you want to wait, fabulous, but if not... Perhaps it's time to think about a different plan as opposed to pressuring him to yours.

Third, when you have that talk, he won't propose and I bet he won't even put down a time for proposal as being anywhere close to around now. He's given you a ton of warning signs that he's not close to that level of commitment yet. The biggest one I saw was that when you said you were thinking about moving out, he said he'd have a place to go when he was in town... Not "Great! Now you can live closer to me!" or "I hope you move nearby." Anybody who's anywhere close to committing to somebody makes plans to bring them closer or would request being nearer, or maybe, if things were that serious, he'd talk about moving to be near you. They wouldn't say "Awesome! What we've been doing before, long-distance, but somewhere new!"

So, as to moving out, I say do it. As to getting your boyfriend to propose... Not happening anywhere in the near future.

Nice post. Inititally it was hard to swallow, but I believe you're correct on pretty much everything!

I've got to stop listening to a few select coworkers- or filter what they say, anyhow. They are so ready to see me married that I think I HAVE been rushing this 11-month-old long-distance relationship. I was so relaxed at first!

However, one thing- boyfriend is the one who initiated all the kids/marrying/settling down talking- and the one who brings it up most, as well. I'm sure, though, that the next time around marrying, he wants to be SURE.

I began saving up money officially yesterday for moving out. Yay!

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Yep so true. I've seen alot of men that lay out how dreamy things will be with their gf/fiances..... then when something comes along like a baby (ignore the fact its sex before marriage), then suddenly the men freak out about it. Its not fitting their time line of how/what they wanted.


One of the women I was with who was a bit controlling wanted to marry me at an exact time, have kids at a specific time....etc. She had our lives all scheduled out and we weren't even engaged yet. I mean its fine if you want to have dreams, but oftent he timelines we have are not the ones that happen. I wanted to be a pediatrician, but my seizure came and that changed what I was going to do.

An ex of mine did this in a way- laying out how dreamy things will be. I totally fell for it. He even convinced me to look at a few houses with him. What's a girl supposed to think when her guy says, "I'd like for us to go look at a house together. We can figure out what we'd need to save up, what we could afford with our incomes." I will never be able to completely understand why we did that. He said, "I was just seeing what was out there."

 

[eatenbylocusts]

However, one thing- boyfriend is the one who initiated all the kids/marrying/settling down talking- and the one who brings it up most, as well. I'm sure, though, that the next time around marrying, he wants to be SURE.

I began saving up money officially yesterday for moving out. Yay!

Talk is cheap. The "christian" guy I was dating prior to my dh would talk about rings, fantasize about our marriage life, wishing we had met years earlier so we could've had some kids together. He was living with another woman. It worked out for awhile because he lived about 1.5 hours away.