Knowing God's Will

[Anonymess]

I totally agree with all the reasons you said to not go back. I agree 100%. Those reasons are why I left to begin with and why I want to never go back.

 

[Anonymess]

That is part of what I am trying to express here: my head and the inner direction I have always thought of as God's leading/voice/gut are in conflict. My head agrees with everything everyone has said 100%. My head is like "are you nuts!? Run Forrest run! Thank God He got you out and she cheated!" and then I hear my gut "Look, I haven't left you. Im still here, I just need time to work. You planted seeds in her and she in you and I need time for those seeds to take root which is why I got you out of the house and out of the picture. Remember, you are no less sinful than her and I forgave you. I forgave her too and now I am asking for patience while I heal both of your broken hearts. I brought you guys together for a reason and Im not going to leave you both here. You both took a leap of faith and while things look impossible, I assure you, they are not, because I am God."

 

[hopesprings]

Yeah, the heart exerts a powerfully strong pull! You sound like a tender-hearted person with a goodwill toward others, even those who have hurt you horribly. It sounds like you're desiring the most positive outcome...totally understandable! What concerns me as an outsider is the behavior of your ex-wife: yes, God is completely able to work. No, He will never leave you. But will you be able to trust her again? I believe you have used the word "manipulative" to describe your ex--individuals like that scare me, frankly. Their nature is to lie and, well, manipulate (I'm preaching to the choir here, I know!). God is trustworthy and dependable, manipulative people are not. I know that only you can decide what you want to do and whether your ex is trustworthy or not. I'm simply counselling extreme caution as a Christian sister (or maybe a mother figure because I feel like I'm lecturing you when I don't mean to. Ugh!).

 

[Anonymess]

I dont feel lectured at by anyone and I appreciate the feedback. Yep, she is manipulative, but God is in control, even when she thinks she is. I talked with my now ex-GF and we are taking a relationship break until March 1st to see how all this plays out. Even if I am 100% wrong on God bringing my NPD ex wife back and restoring the relationship, maybe there is something that I need to learn by being by myself by thinking that is the direction it will go. Maybe that is some key ingredient in the plan for my life and it will take until March for me to see it so my future relationship will be better. Maybe not. I think I need to just be by myself and see what God has in store. He has shown his hand in all this more than you all would ever believe. Literally led me out of Egypt by hand, every step of the way, by my "gut" feelings that I am now doubting, lol. I feel like I am Israel whining about no meat when He gave me manna.

For anyone concerned that I will jump back with the NPD ex-wife, please don't. I feel like the only way that she and I would work is if she went to counseling first, which would be mandatory before any relationship would resume. Communication could resume prior but until that commitment is made AND followed through with, no reconciliation will be made at all. No promises, no future faking, no "if you loved me" crap. Action. Not talk.

 

[hopesprings]

I dont feel lectured at by anyone and I appreciate the feedback.

Awesome!

Yep, she is manipulative, but God is in control, even when she thinks she is.

Haha. Yep, no matter how manipulative the person, they are no match for God. I have reason to be personally *very* grateful for that.

Singleness is really good for thinking things through. Good point.

I feel like I am Israel whining about no meat when He gave me manna.

LOL. An excellent description worthy of all humanity!

For anyone concerned that I will jump back with the NPD ex-wife, please don't. I feel like the only way that she and I would work is if she went to counseling first, which would be mandatory before any relationship would resume. Communication could resume prior but until that commitment is made AND followed through with, no reconciliation will be made at all. No promises, no future faking, no "if you loved me" crap. Action. Not talk.

Good to hear.

 

[Anonymess]

Also, maybe I need to have the attitude where I release control over to God with the outcome, like Abraham did, in order to have the right attitude for God to bring healing to me. At this point, I trust He is in control and that the outcome is in His hands no matter what, and like Abraham climbing the mountain with Issac knowing God told him to sacrifice his only son...the one he waited decades for and miraculously conceived him as an old man with an old woman, will trust that God will work it out according to His glory and that at the right time God will provide a clear path for me. I just need the right attitude for the trip, not the knowledge of where the trip is heading. Does that make sense?

 

[hopesprings]

If I understand you correctly, you are saying that you are leaving the outcome with your ex in God's hands...whether she decides to repent and change...or not. Yeah, I am constantly amazed at how God works--one of the most difficult things for me to accept was that God truly works outside of time and not on "my" schedule. The second hardest thing has been accepting that God never forces anyone to change and that they may never repent of what they're doing or that it may take way longer than I want it to (lol). Isn't it ironic that what I would want God to do to someone else is exactly what I would find unacceptable for me...? Oh, humanity!!!

 

[dayhiker]

Well, A, I'd never tell you to go against what you feel God is telling you to do.
I like your attitude and believe things will work out for you tho I'm not sure anyone knows what that will be yet.
If she does change by the grace of God it will be a miracle and a great testimony to God's work in both your lives.

 

[blackribbon]

The problem isn't that she is manipulative...the problem is that she is NPD. She doesn't just need to repent but needs to be healed ... and that may or may not be under her control. It is like telling an asthmatic to "just stop wheezing" and everything will be fine. I am not saying that God can't heal her and heal your relationship but be careful that a miraculous healing has really taken place before you put yourself back in the situation. We are not talking about a few months of changed behavior but rather over a year...and maybe longer. I do think you should listen to that inner voice if you are hearing it that loud...but that inner voice is saying "wait"...not act. God may simply want you to be alone for a while for whatever reason. She has some say in all this too.

 

[Anonymess]

Thank you to all that spent the time reading and responding to my question. I appreciate your caring and insight.

 

[Deidre32]

''They'' say (experts I'm assuming) that people should wait like two years after a divorce, before getting serious with another person. The reason for this is that you still probably haven't healed from your marriage, it's just too soon. This new woman might be saying all the right things, and doing all the right things...but you haven't healed yet. It takes time, and for a woman to be 'falling in love' with you so soon, is a red flag to me. Just my two cents, but I'd take it really REALLY slow with this new woman, and spend time on getting to know yourself, again. Start spending time by yourself, because that is how you will heal, and be all that much stronger for the next relationship. Be careful to not assume this is God's will, and it just might be yours.

 

[Deidre32]

I put things on pause with her because I feel until this internal conflict is resolved, no matter what it is, causing it I can't be a good anything. I feel like I am doing her a disservice.

No, it wasn't an angel that came to me. But the feeling is as powerful. I had this same feeling twice before in my life and despite all the odds, people telling me I was crazy and that it wouldn't happen in a billion years, defying logic, reason, or even belief, the impossible happened then too. Twice.

Oh, just reading this post lol So, my advice might be a bit late, but honestly...you are doing the right thing. It's too soon to jump into another relationship right after your marriage ended.

 

[Anonymess]

Point taken. I am going to just be friends with her, go to church with her, and talk. A lot. I am going to ask tough questions. A lot. And see if the answers are consistent and match her actions. I figure over the next 8 months I will learn a lot. I also see things I need to work on myself.

I appreciate any prayers thrown my general direction.

 

[Deidre32]

Thing is, if she has already expressed that she's falling for you, it will be hard to be just friends, for her. If you are still holding out hope for your ex wife, it seems that way from your thread here anyway, then you should let this other girl go, at least until you figure things out. I have hung around guys who I know like me, and it never works out well, in terms of trying to just maintain a friendship. Just my thoughts fwiw.

 

[Kenny'sID]

First, not sure how this first wife could be good for you at all.

Secondly, on the confusion on what God wants...you mentioned Jonah and this is how it went for him.

Jonah 1:1
The word of the LORD came to Jonah son of Amittai:

When God speaks he is clear. IOW, he is not the God of confusion so any confusion you are having on whether or not it is God talking to you would mean to me, he absolutely is not. If he told you something to do or not to do, you would know it. This is a problem many run across, not just you, and I think because we want so badly sometimes for God to make decisions for us. And he does in a way, as in, for instance, you are looking for a christian mate, something the Bible says to do, but you allowed God to make that decision for you as we all do things of that nature. As far as God going any further, Id dare say most of the time, he does not...he drops the basic rules on us and lets us make our own personal decisions on the rest. Maybe that's so we can't blame him if something goes wrong. lol. Anyway, at least think about that and hope it helps with some of the confusion...then you decide.

If he is not talking to you or telling you what to do as it normally goes, then you have to make the decision for yourself. Coming here for advice is a very smart thing to do, and to me, it's you trying to decide for yourself and arming yourself as well as possible before you make the decision.

FWIW. I like the new girl. Should you go for it? when is the time right? IDK...decisions, decisions, we make em' all the time, sometimes we pay dearly for them and sometimes they are the right decision, and we never regret them. When will you be sure any decision is right, maybe never. You are well enough armed with God to make decisions and you can only do your best...thing is, God controls no one and he lets us all make our own decisions, so even if you did everything right, you never know what the other party will do. Do the best you can to find that out ahead of time, but in the end, you can still only make a well informed decision about anything, then hope and pray for the best.

I wish you the very best with your decision, and it appears top me, it is yours and yours alone.

 

[Anonymess]

The Jonah reference is that he knew what God was saying and what he wanted to do were in 100% conflict and God did all kinds of things to convince him he needed to do what God wanted. Jonah said "Nope! Send someone else!" That is what I am saying. I dont want to go back, she is broken beyond modern science. If Jonah had known about the theories of super ego he may have questioned if it was God, too.

Unlike Jonah, I am willing to do what God wants, but I am begging him to send someone else to love/help/whatever her the way she needs as she repulses me, a lot like saving Nineveh repulsed Jonah. But I still cant shake the inner voice.

But, if God says this is what I must do, then I will. I may not love the idea, but I am sure he will change my heart if that is what needs to happen without me spending time in fish bellies. When I ran from the relationship, and God took care of me by giving me "shade" here where I live, job, etc, all of which I am thankful for which is why I am so willing to go against my desires to spend time with GF and maybe some day make a wife as she has a lot going for her. I have known her and her family for years, we grew up in the same church, same private school, etc...she is not just some girl I met on dating site.

Is it possible that the EX doesnt have NPD and is just manipulative and vengeful? Maybe. Maybe she isnt that broken. Maybe she is just hurt and maybe showing her love is what she needs. I trust if that is what I am being led to do God will provide a path.

But, if the EX gets married March 1, then I will see this as a test to see if I would put the wife I have been praying for my entire life on the sacrificial alter like Abraham did and trust in God then that works too. Maybe this is a trust exercise and being willing to go back is more important to God to make me teachable than actually making me go back. Maybe I will see her change. Then again, she might get hit my a meteorite on March 1. Who knows.

 

[Kenny'sID]

I do understand why you made the Jonah reference but because you made the reference, it was the first thing I thought of to make my point about any confusion you may have on if or not God is actually talking to you or not.

Unlike Jonah, I am willing to do what God wants,

How have you known thus far what God wants you to do? Or exactly how did he tell you to wait on the X to come back? Was it a feeling or was he precise, where you had no doubt in your mind he was telling you what to do?

 

[blackribbon]

Your responses are typical of a partner of someone with NPD. I suggest you explore counseling so you don't repeat your first marriage. And 8 months really isn't long when determining how well you know someone. That is still in idealistic time

 

[Anonymess]

It's part voice, part feeling. So the voice without the feeling Ive attributed to just me.

Examples:
Head:"Wow! I want that TV"
Voice with feeling: "Actually I want you to fix your car with that extra money. You are going to need it in a few weeks. Also, don't spend another dime. Im going to give you a lot of work in the next few weeks. Bank it all."
Head: "Really? Cuz I need a mattress too. Can I buy that instead? And send me more work so I can buy a TV! Lol"
Voice with feeling: "Really. Get it running, clean it up really nice. And start now. Today."
Two weeks later the whole marriage exploded, she cleaned out our accounts and selling my old car I had been restoring for 10 years gave me cash to get on my feet. Sold in 48 hours for exactly what I asked. I spent the next few weeks sleeping at my office looking for a place to live and praying. Couldnt find anything.
Head: "Go find something. Anything. Quit sleeping on your floor! You deserve better!"
Voice with feeling: "Be patient. You've been praying for a house or cottage that is close to the water, that is cheap, and in town with a 6 month lease. And a fireplace too? Don't be too specific!"
Head: "What! Look on craigslist! You can find something! Go get an apartment by the water! You can afford it! Who cares!"
Voice with feeling: "Give me more time. Be patient. You will see."
Two weeks of sleeping on the floor I wake up to do my usual thing...search Craigslist for a place to live fruitlessly, lol.
Voice with Feeling: "Go paddle boarding."
Head "What!? No way! I got things I have to take care of. You cant be serious!"
Voice with feeling: "Go. Now."
Head: "Ok! OK! Seriously, this is a complete waste of time! I need a place to live!"
I get down there to go. It's owned by a friend. No paddle boards are available
Voice with feeling: "Ask <friend> if hears of anything coming up for rent to let you know."
Head: "ok."
Did that.
Friend: "Wow! Funny you should say that. My next stop is to go get a for rent sign for my dads house that is going up for rent next to mine. It was supposed to be ready two weeks ago, but there was a water leak and we had to replace the entire kitchen, so that is all brand new. Oh and so is the carpet in the whole house. It's only <exactly what I prayed to spend> and its 4 doors down from the lake, is an old fishing cottage with all wood (like I have always, always wanted!) has a fireplace I think works, and my dad will do a short lease if you want. Wanna go check it out instead of waiting for a paddle board to come back?"

So when I say I felt led out of Egypt, this is what I mean. Should I go on about how I wanted to file, but I have a very sensitive conscience, so I would have felt terrible if I had filed for divorce. I would have beat myself up forever.

Head: "I made a huge mistake marrying her. Let me file."
Voice with felling: "Give it six months."
Head: "Crap. This must mean we will be back together by then! Well, then, God, teach me what I did wrong so I dont repeat it. I have no TV, no internet, and lots of time. Show me my faults and help me grow."
6 months later proof of her NPD really surfaced making sense of all the stories I heard, proof of cheating a couple of times, everything I needed to walk away guilt free." I even had the option of having the whole divorced thrown out after 10 different mistakes made by her attorney! I didnt. I felt like I needed to get the rings back instead. So I offered to give her the divorce if I got the rings back. She complied. More truths came out.
Voice with Feeling: "You will need those rings back. I restored everything you lost to her financially in 4 months. I got you the divorce with no effort, no cost, no guilt."
Voice with Feeling: "Take the next year and give it to me. You both need time to grow. She will be back and you will put those rings back on her. She is hurt, broken, and needs prayer. Pray for her."
Head: "But I dont want to. She bad mouthed me to everyone she could! She cheated! She this! She that! Never!"
Voice with Feelings: "Give me the year."
Needless to say a month into that someone that had watched me at church, a friend, the girl I ended up dating, said she admired how hard I fought for my marriage, turned to God, and stayed faithful even though I could have felt justified getting revenge. We hit it off and a month later I broke that promise to God for a year focusing on Him.
Head: "Nope! I want her!"
Voice with feelings: "Yeah. I know, but that isnt the plan. I had a reason I brought you and your ex together and this isn't it."

Thus the reason for this entire post. But this getting back with my ex and actually having a meaningful relationship, seems impossible. I should mention at the time I first started arguing about not wanting to go back, the story of Hosea and Gomer came to my attention almost daily for two weeks.

Here is another short example of the same thing:

Head: "Go fight for custody of your daughter!"
Voice with Feeling: "I got this. Don't stress. Be still and know I am God."
Head: "But I can do this, and file this, and on and on..."
Voice with Feeling: "Or you can wait and she will give you custody. Be still and give me time."
Head: "Well I talked with everyone of my friends, my family, even an attorney friend and they all said I am crazy for even trying to get custody. Let it go. It will never happen in a million years! Move on with life."
4 months later I get a telephone call asking...no...BEGGING me to take custody of our daughter. I thought it was a joke! Turns out there was a lot more going on in their lives than I knew about.
5 years later, she graduated, went from EMO/Goth to cheerleader/athlete. She told me that if I hadnt gotten custody she would have either been pregnant or on drugs. Or both.


Or I am insane, lol.

 

[blackribbon]

How many times have you been married?

Maybe you need to get a prayer partner when it comes to picking GF/spouses since that seems to be the one area where you mis-hear God...even if you are pretty good at hearing Him in the rest of your life.