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Knowing God's Will
- Thread starter Anonymess
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Thanks, Blackribbon. I was just kind of praying that God would send a life changing event that would open her up. I have been praying a lot that she is not full NPD. Maybe her mom was and she just picked up the habits and thinking patterns. My dad was, and I cant believe how many of his bad bahits I picked up. She had once said...in the only moment of intraspection I have ever heard from her..."all my relationships always just go to sh*t. Maybe it is me."
And I know about her not wanting to go to counseling. Every time I brought it up it was silent treatment for the next few days, every excuse under the sun not to go, and the one time we did go, the counselor/pastor was an "idiot"...nevermind it was her idea to go see this one particular counselor. This counselor/pastor told me she hates men and I will always be the bad guy. It is a sinking ship and if she divorces me, I should see it as a gift from God, yet I feel terrible moving on.
And I know about her not wanting to go to counseling. Every time I brought it up it was silent treatment for the next few days, every excuse under the sun not to go, and the one time we did go, the counselor/pastor was an "idiot"...nevermind it was her idea to go see this one particular counselor. This counselor/pastor told me she hates men and I will always be the bad guy. It is a sinking ship and if she divorces me, I should see it as a gift from God, yet I feel terrible moving on.
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An important read for you:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/08/the-dance-between-codependents-narcissists/
"Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love." Ross Rosenberg, MEd, LCPC, CACD, CSAT
(and after that brief moment of introspection, she dismissed it as impossible, correct? ... she didn't actually spend any time considering it...)
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I dont feel like this applies to me. I left. I didnt know she was a narcissist when I married her. I almost left a month in because I felt misled from her past. But I felt like God was leading me into this and that I should just go with it. So I did. I only tried harder, not to please her, but to because I was trying to just be a good husband. I just tried to provide for my family. But as she broke promise after promise, and told lie after lie, I finally got angry enough to leave. I tried a thousand times to try to talk to her, she would make promises for the future, which she would later go back on, usually citing some exit clause only she knew about, or citing some insignificant failure on my part that made her feel justified because I broke my promise.
Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. Did I say things I regret in a tone I regret at a volume that I regret? Absolutely. Did I show her the love of Christ? Nope. That is the part I feel bad about.
Did this whole thing teach me a ton about my terrible parents who one of which is NPD and one who is terribly selfish? Yep. Without this I would never know about the term Adult Children of Narcissists which has taught me so much undoing a lot of the terrible parenting I received growing up and changing my thought habits. So despite everyone saying this wasn't God's will, and that God didn't do this, or miracle our wedding day, I cant help but laugh because without all this, I wouldn't be as healed as I am now, so thank you God.
Part of the problem in my childhood is that I was too stubborn to become 100% codependant. I would get beat daily because I wouldn't conform to my dads wishes, demands, or whims. My parents violent fights early in my life I believe, taught me I cant trust anyone which made me stubborn. I did things my way. Eventually, I started seeing him as the hypocritical, lying, violent, raging narcissist he was and really haven't spoken to him since, which again, was all during this marriage. The part that I did become codependant was my thinking from all the emotional abuse, emotional dumping, and blaming all his life's problems on me. Everything was always my fault. That is what kept me "hooked" here I think. The same guilt my dad used to keep me from going to the police, or the manipulation that kept me from going back to my mom, which really wasnt a much better place to grow up. She got emergency custody of me once and the same day tried to have me put in a boarding school because I was too much of a hassle. When that didnt work, she dropped me off at a runaway shelter. Guess who got custody back the next day? My "rescuing" father. Drama. Drama. Drama. Im really just so exhausted from life.
I dont talk to either any more and just want to be left alone. I just want a good Christian woman that will love me for who I am.
Sorry to vent, but I get what you are saying about the codependancy. But I left because I knew something was wrong. It did feel too much like growing up, and while I couldn't leave then, I could now. I cant shake the feeling that God is working in her (and me) and I need to be patient and she will be back. I don't really want her, but I want what God wants more than what I want, so if that is His will, I will go back. But I just cant shake the feeling. Everywhere I go, everything I see or hear, every sermon I listen to or book I read, God points out something from my past marriage I need to fix, which I have, or at least have become aware of.
Which all goes right back to my original question: is this God or SuperEgo? Is this God leading me, or my past guilting me? Im not sure if superego would be taught from sermons, books, etc. But I don't know, which is the reason for the post.
Did I make mistakes? Absolutely. Did I say things I regret in a tone I regret at a volume that I regret? Absolutely. Did I show her the love of Christ? Nope. That is the part I feel bad about.
Did this whole thing teach me a ton about my terrible parents who one of which is NPD and one who is terribly selfish? Yep. Without this I would never know about the term Adult Children of Narcissists which has taught me so much undoing a lot of the terrible parenting I received growing up and changing my thought habits. So despite everyone saying this wasn't God's will, and that God didn't do this, or miracle our wedding day, I cant help but laugh because without all this, I wouldn't be as healed as I am now, so thank you God.
Part of the problem in my childhood is that I was too stubborn to become 100% codependant. I would get beat daily because I wouldn't conform to my dads wishes, demands, or whims. My parents violent fights early in my life I believe, taught me I cant trust anyone which made me stubborn. I did things my way. Eventually, I started seeing him as the hypocritical, lying, violent, raging narcissist he was and really haven't spoken to him since, which again, was all during this marriage. The part that I did become codependant was my thinking from all the emotional abuse, emotional dumping, and blaming all his life's problems on me. Everything was always my fault. That is what kept me "hooked" here I think. The same guilt my dad used to keep me from going to the police, or the manipulation that kept me from going back to my mom, which really wasnt a much better place to grow up. She got emergency custody of me once and the same day tried to have me put in a boarding school because I was too much of a hassle. When that didnt work, she dropped me off at a runaway shelter. Guess who got custody back the next day? My "rescuing" father. Drama. Drama. Drama. Im really just so exhausted from life.
I dont talk to either any more and just want to be left alone. I just want a good Christian woman that will love me for who I am.
Sorry to vent, but I get what you are saying about the codependancy. But I left because I knew something was wrong. It did feel too much like growing up, and while I couldn't leave then, I could now. I cant shake the feeling that God is working in her (and me) and I need to be patient and she will be back. I don't really want her, but I want what God wants more than what I want, so if that is His will, I will go back. But I just cant shake the feeling. Everywhere I go, everything I see or hear, every sermon I listen to or book I read, God points out something from my past marriage I need to fix, which I have, or at least have become aware of.
Which all goes right back to my original question: is this God or SuperEgo? Is this God leading me, or my past guilting me? Im not sure if superego would be taught from sermons, books, etc. But I don't know, which is the reason for the post.
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dayhiker
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Anonymess ... I'm so blessed to read how you saw thru things as your matured and let God teach you so much.
While I didn't have an abusive house growing up I also feel God has taught me so much and so has given me so many good relationships and friends that I hardly have time
to keep up with them. My goal is to love them for who God made them to be as well as to be who God is asking me to be. So that keeps me from being codependent even if someone wants more from me than I can give. I've been totally blown away by how much love we are all experiencing. So from that perspective I can see what your doing and it sounds like God is telling you there is one more round coming. If indeed it does come, I'm thinking God is going to have you stand from the strength of who God has created you to be and challenge her in some way. A way only God knows and a way that has a key that can heal here if she wants.
While I didn't have an abusive house growing up I also feel God has taught me so much and so has given me so many good relationships and friends that I hardly have time
to keep up with them. My goal is to love them for who God made them to be as well as to be who God is asking me to be. So that keeps me from being codependent even if someone wants more from me than I can give. I've been totally blown away by how much love we are all experiencing. So from that perspective I can see what your doing and it sounds like God is telling you there is one more round coming. If indeed it does come, I'm thinking God is going to have you stand from the strength of who God has created you to be and challenge her in some way. A way only God knows and a way that has a key that can heal here if she wants.
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Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
That's just wisdom right there. There's help from God you shouldn't accept a quarrelsome wife. Just a thought, I don't think we realize just how many fish are really out there in the sea.
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
That's just wisdom right there. There's help from God you shouldn't accept a quarrelsome wife. Just a thought, I don't think we realize just how many fish are really out there in the sea.
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So after a few more months of fasting and praying, and waiting, I am still at loss. I continue to grow a lot, have again gone from church to church hearing the answers to what is on my heart that day. I still feel like she will be back.
I have seen absolutely no movement on her side at all. She is broke, had major surgery, her cheat partner lost his job (which was nice to hear), and her kid ended up losing his license and his car for year for some run-in with the law while at college (or something along those lines.)
For what any of this is worth, I feel like I argued with God a bit and said "I'm never going back. She cheated. I am allowed to divorce her!" and God said back "It is only because people have your attitude that divorce was even created. Your heart is hard."
Ugh. I "lawyer up" with God and He put the smack down.
I decided that I stand for marriage and trust God. If she doesn't come back, I will just do what the Bible says and to stay single until she dies or remarries. Until then I will continue to stand for my oath to God and to her despite her bad choices, I will continue to let God soften my heart towards her, and I will continue to love her from a distance and be there if she needs me.
I have seen absolutely no movement on her side at all. She is broke, had major surgery, her cheat partner lost his job (which was nice to hear), and her kid ended up losing his license and his car for year for some run-in with the law while at college (or something along those lines.)
For what any of this is worth, I feel like I argued with God a bit and said "I'm never going back. She cheated. I am allowed to divorce her!" and God said back "It is only because people have your attitude that divorce was even created. Your heart is hard."
Ugh. I "lawyer up" with God and He put the smack down.
I decided that I stand for marriage and trust God. If she doesn't come back, I will just do what the Bible says and to stay single until she dies or remarries. Until then I will continue to stand for my oath to God and to her despite her bad choices, I will continue to let God soften my heart towards her, and I will continue to love her from a distance and be there if she needs me.
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Goodbook
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If you are able to love other people instead of just focussing on this one you married and messed you up all the time God can equip you for better things, like a ministry for other broken and hurting people.
Npd is a horrible horrible thing to deal with and needs deliverance and prayer you cant deal with it face to face or alone because the person afflicted with it will do everything they can to manipulate others.
GOds will is you believe In Jesus and trust in Him. Too many people are in situations where people have been absolutely horrible to them and they didnt walk away from it but kept going back to their abusers. let God do the work in changing this persons heart.
Npd is a horrible horrible thing to deal with and needs deliverance and prayer you cant deal with it face to face or alone because the person afflicted with it will do everything they can to manipulate others.
GOds will is you believe In Jesus and trust in Him. Too many people are in situations where people have been absolutely horrible to them and they didnt walk away from it but kept going back to their abusers. let God do the work in changing this persons heart.
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I think it was staying focused "on this one I married and messed (me) all up all the time" that has brought me the healing. She was the right tool for the right job in God's toolbox.
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So I have done a lot more research and therapy and have discovered I may have a BDP and NPD (maybe just traits of them and not full blown disorder) and have come to find out that a lot of adult children with these types of parents attract these types of spouses and end up feeling exactly like I do after the demise of the relationship.
Thank you to http://www.gettinbetter.com for shedding light on what makes me tick and showing me the difference between Super-Ego, addiction, fixing compulsion and God's leading.
Thank you to http://www.gettinbetter.com for shedding light on what makes me tick and showing me the difference between Super-Ego, addiction, fixing compulsion and God's leading.
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dayhiker
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That is really neat Anonmess that you found that info. Thanks for coming back to share this with us.
I know often its comforting to know one isn't alone and finding the words that express and explains ones life is a real blessing. Do you see this understanding also helping you to love yourself and others better?
I know often its comforting to know one isn't alone and finding the words that express and explains ones life is a real blessing. Do you see this understanding also helping you to love yourself and others better?
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IF God is truly at work here, then He will do a miracle in her heart, not just expect you to take her back as a liar and cheater, etc. Sooooo I would encourage you to do some study of the difference between forgiveness (one sided) and reconciliation (dependent on the other person's true repentance). Pray about what specific sins she will need to repent of (not just apologize for, but demonstrate change). Get accountability from your pastor and walk through this with accountability. I believe God can restore marriages, but He doesn't expect us to be walked on.
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