Knowing God's Will

[Anonymess]

Hello everyone. This is my first post like this to a forum. I have something that I am struggling with and I am not sure what to do about it. My struggle is knowing God's will for particular situation.

I am so conflicted. So I and my wife divorced after three years of marriage. She was sleeping with someone two weeks after I moved out. That relationship ended and now she is with yet another guy. We've only been divorces for 4 months. The weeks leading up to me moving out, The Lord kind of "spoke" to me and throughout the whole separation and led me out of that relationship in some pretty miraculous ways. I stayed true to my marriage vows however. It's pretty awesome because there was a good Christian woman that was watching me, praying for me, hearing my struggles, and actually falling for me. A few months after my divorce we went out on a date and it has been just amazing.

The whole divorce everyone has told me to move on but I feel like the Lord is doing something in her life and is bringing her back. Not what I want. This woman was a liar, a cheater, and manipulator. And her kids...don't get me started, lol! But...I just can't shake this feeling that I need to be patient and that God brought us together for a reason, and he is working.

I have had these feelings before and everyone has told me that what I was expecting to have happen in all these previous situations was just "impossible". Yet they all happened. Every last one. And this is one, quite frankly, now that we are divorced, I am happy to be out of.

I am at a loss as to what to do. In my mind, it would seem there are plenty other fish in the sea and to just move on, but there is that sinking feeling, probably like Jonah had, that I dont want to do what Im being asked to do.

But I feel like it is a modern day Hosea and Gomer.

 

[blackribbon]

It sounds like you do know what God's will is for you....and like you say, you don't like it.

I'd personally suggest that at the very least, God is telling to "Be still and know that I am God". Psalms 46:10a

I also think you still need to do a little more healing before you can really invest in another relationship. And yes, you married her for a reason. You need to remember why so at the very least, you don't repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. No marriage fails on one side only. If you like the sense of freedom from this marriage, why would you want to jump right back into another one. Go slow and just be friends with women for a while.

 

[Anonymess]

Im having a hard time deciphering if this is some deeper issue that is masking itself as God's will when its really me wanting this subconsciously and thinking it is God's will or worse yet, convincing myself it is God's will.

She and I married very, VERY quickly because I felt it was God's will. Now I am not so sure. I had remorse a month in, but gave it to God and I learned a lot about myself, and stuck it out to the end. It revealed a lot about me and her!

During the time we were separated, I went to counseling, met with pastors who all said that she seems to "hate men" as they met with her previously. I spent those 8 months really seeking God and learning. She, well...not so much, lol. Like I should be furious, but that Hosea and Gomer thing kept coming up over and over, and strangely, I'm not all that mad. I feel more sad that she hurts and fills the hurt that way.

As far as jumping back into a relationship and taking it slowly, that is what we are doing. My divorce took a year. I'm in no rush to get remarried and neither is she. We are just good friends who hit it off spiritually and emotionally. Someone to spend the evenings with and run around with on the weekends. I don't date without marriage being the end goal, however. If I find an issue, which usually happens in the first month, I am out. I spent three years praying for my wife before I married her. Unfortunately, she said everything I wanted to hear, but never lived a second of it. The woman I am seeing now, tells me how horrible she was (which I disagree with her assessment, lol), but lives a very godly life now and has for years, with everyone in the church telling me we should date! I have known this woman almost my entire life. Even our pastor kind of match-made for us! Combined with the pastor that counseled us told me "God got you out of your marriage with ____. Be thankful. She hates men & you will always be the bad guy.So my advice: Run, and be thankful she cheated."

Do you see my dilemma? Is it me or is it God? How can we tell the difference? Im not asking for an answer to my situation, just how do we as Christians figure out if that voice is God's or just our Super Ego/addiction/compulsion?

 

[blackribbon]

I still say "Be still" which means going slow so you have time to figure out what God is saying to you. This may mean NOT getting in a relationship with marriage as the goal at this time. You already admitted that patience isn't your strongest character trait or else you wouldn't have impulsively gotten married so fast the previous time. Pray for peace and open doors where you belong and obvious barriers if you are not where you belong...and honestly appraise your life by not trying to crawl over the barriers when they appear because you want what you want.

God brings peace and you do not sound like you have found peace yet. Stop listening to others and start asking God for internal clarity. And again, you need to understand why you married this woman without really knowing her and what role did you play in her infidelity....because a woman in love and feeling cherished, just doesn't do that. Did you just not recognize what love looks like (and she lacked it) or did you do something to make her stop feeling cherished? And if you really did feel like you were called to marry this woman, were you mistaken (which means going 10x slower the next time you think you know God's will concerning your relationships) or maybe you really are still suppose to eventually be married to this woman and you have to just wait out God and His restoring touch.

Remember, you posted the about your doubts...

 

[blackribbon]

I have made some hard decisions in my life that went against everything my Christian friends advised. Their advice was based on their viewpoint (which is often selfish) and a desire to protect me from hurt. Sometimes God requires you to step out of the comfortable easy place though. It isn't easy but it is worth it...and God's peace is what carries you.

I don't have your answers because I am busy struggling with my own live's problems...but no matter how bad they feel at times ( and they do ), I have never lost the internal peace that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this time...and struggling to be patient with the process...

 

[Anonymess]

I appreciate everyone's response. Praying for peace, opening doorscene and closing others, etc is what landed me married. I had 100% peace and 0% doubt it was what I was supposed to do and God opened every door. It was unbelievable.

My part in her infidelity was that I was there. Now all her other breakups and quick move ins/ons make sense, all of which inlearned AFTER we married when i caught her in lies. All I asked her to do was not lie, not manipulate, go to counseling, and honor her commitment's. She wouldn't do any of them. Personally I think she has NPD. I'm not the first person she has done this to. It was the most one sided relationship (in her favor) i have ever been a part of.

But the question isn't what should I do in my situation, though I appreciate the advice, it is how can I tell God for my own desires posing as God? Holy Spirit versus the Super Ego?

 

[blackribbon]

I appreciate everyone's response. Praying for peace, opening doorscene and closing others, etc is what landed me married. I had 100% peace and 0% doubt it was what I was supposed to do and God opened every door. It was unbelievable.

My part in her infidelity was that I was there. Now all her other breakups and quick move ins/ons make sense, all of which inlearned AFTER we married when i caught her in lies. All I asked her to do was not lie, not manipulate, go to counseling, and honor her commitment's. She wouldn't do any of them. Personally I think she has NPD. I'm not the first person she has done this to. It was the most one sided relationship (in her favor) i have ever been a part of.

But the question isn't what should I do in my situation, though I appreciate the advice, it is how can I tell God for my own desires posing as God? Holy Spirit versus the Super Ego?

The only advice I really gave is God gives us peace. Maybe marrying her was the right thing...and honestly, if that is so, then waiting a while to see how things turn out would follow. Otherwise, you rushed things and mixed up infatuation with God's peace...which follows again, that waiting a bit longer would be necessary to recognize God's peace. So I did answer the question. God's peace doesn't always bring "happiness"...so you have to be able to recognize the difference.

 

[Anonymess]

Well then I will wait and pray and hope the voice I hear is God and not my super ego trying make me go back to a woman i cant stand as self punishment and walk away from a healthy, loving woman that I adore.

Thank you.

 

[Ubuntu]

@Anonymess, Okay, let’s see if I’ve understood this correctly:

- You felt that God wanted you to marry a woman, who turned out to be very manipulative, and who lied and cheated.

- Then you felt that God miraculously led you out of this destructive marriage, and you felt a huge relief once this was over.

- But now you sort of feel that God might intend to bring you back to your ex-wife, even if you in the meantime have met a nice and understanding Christian woman who in all ways are better than your ex. You relate all of this to the Biblical story of Hosea and Gomer…

*

I’d say that the “guidance of God” indeed is the main issue here. Now, when it comes to Hosea and Gomer we need to remember that Hosea was a prophet, someone who had a very special call from God, a call that was recognized by the people in general, not just himself. Their relationship was a prophetic type, best understood in the light of destruction of Jerusalem and the exile...

Now, to be honest your identification with Hosea and Gomer sounds a lot as if the result of trying to intellectually reconcile your experience with what you once felt were God’s guidance.

However, I’m inclined to believe that your marriage probably was the result of confusion about how the guidance of God works. You do sound like a sincere and sensitive believer, but even sincere people aren’t beyond making mistakes.

You didn’t elaborate about how you became convinced to marry your ex-wife, but generally it’s not safe to trust an “inner voice”, and to call every strong mental impulse the work of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes we experience strong emotions, and powerful ideas might present themselves to our minds, but this isn’t necessarily the voice of God. The Holy Spirit can definitively impress our minds, but we’re most often ignorant of this when it happens.

Worse, if we train ourselves to constantly “listen” to some inner voice, we might attribute impulses that originates from our own subconsciousness (or worse, from the devil), to God. But God is under no obligation to make his will known to us at all times.
I do believe in the guidance of God, but when God really talks to us there is little room for doubt. Another thing to keep in mind is that God’s primary way of speaking to us is through the principles he has outlined in the Bible.

*

So, my advice to you is the following:

You should think of your relationship with your ex-wife as over. You call the process of divorcing your wife “miraculous”, and if she really was a manipulator and cheater, then I’m not necessarily questioning this. But I very, very much doubt that God wanted you to marry this woman, for so to divorce her and later on to remarry her… Your ex-wife broke the marriage covenant by cheating, and if you are sure that your new girlfriend is a sincere Christian, then I don’t see any reason to stop seeing her.

Most importantly, you should have a healthy suspicion of your own mind. Remember the words of the prophet: “The human mind is more deceitful than anything else. It is incurably bad. Who can understand it?” - Jer 17:9

 

[blackribbon]

@Anonymess,
So, my advice to you is the following:

You should think of your relationship with your ex-wife as over. You call the process of divorcing your wife “miraculous”, and if she really was a manipulator and cheater, then I’m not necessarily questioning this. But I very, very much doubt that God wanted you to marry this woman, for so to divorce her and later on to remarry her… Your ex-wife broke the marriage covenant by cheating, and if you are sure that your new girlfriend is a sincere Christian, then I don’t see any reason to stop seeing her.

Most importantly, you should have a healthy suspicion of your own mind. Remember the words of the prophet: “The human mind is more deceitful than anything else. It is incurably bad. Who can understand it?” - Jer 17:9

I suspect he thought the same thing of his first wife.....

 

[Anonymess]

Thanks for all the input. Two months later and I still feel like being with this amazing woman isn't right. I feel like I need to pray for my ex and wait for God to work in her. Every time i turn on the radio its more about waiting on God, God can change people, and my favorite was a story about a woman that struggles with all kinds of issues starting with her divorce, raising 3 kids alone, dealing with her dying mom, etc, all to end up back happily married to her ex. Oh and a story about Saul being blinded and coming out changed 3 days later. When i heard that i was like if only God would get my attention so directly. I just spent the last two days with a cornea scratch and i couldnt see.

My brain is telling me I'm an idiot and telling me to enjoy her company , that its all a coincidence and just be happy but my gut says God has other plans. Grrr!

 

[hopesprings]

Ugh, this is tough. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. You are lifted up in prayer, as we say. You've gotten some great advice. I don't want to over-burden you but having said that I am concerned at the speed at which you have gotten involved with another lady. It's not "wrong" to be with be someone else (the divorce process has gone through) but your heart appears to be tied to your ex-wife. My concern is that it isn't fair to your new lady...she deserves all of your "un-conflicted" you not just the "needy" part of you that's hurting. Ok, that was very straightforward. I beg your forgiveness if it's too much to hear right now. Counsellors recommend that divorced or grieving individuals wait at least two years before they engage in another relationship! That's a decent length of time to contemplate (I know!). All my best as you contemplate your choices. Don't forget that we are tied to romantic partners chemically by our brain chemistry so getting away from someone that we love and have been with is like going through withdrawal from drugs. Hope that helps you understand the see-saw effect you seem to be experiencing.

 

[Anonymess]

I pretty much broke it off with the GF today. The marriage was only 2 years and I left 1 year ago this week for the second and final time. I pretty much assume she (the ex wife) has a personality disorder, NPD. I'm not sure anyone will ever be 100% after dating one as they make you feel like no one will ever want you again, which I know isn't true, as I am a good catch, play head games, rewrite history, crazy-make. I'm ready to move on, really, especially knowing that. There is absolutely nothing I desire more than to never see my ex wife again, & I have no desire any more to reconcile. Had I know the character of the person she was and not the character she said she had, I wouldn't have married her. I wouldn't have even DATED her!

However, the closer I got to my new girlfriend the more I have this nag telling me it isn't over with my ex and that God is working. Yay. Not. I kinda feel like Jonah must have. Thanks for the prayers all.

 

[Anonymess]

I should also mention that the last three months of dating her has been absolutely fantastic. Mission trip together, church, dates, hanging out. It's been amazing.

 

[blackribbon]

With NPD or even BPD, think twice before going back. These are not easily healed disorders because the person seldom recognizes that they need to change. I would pray long and hard before going back. Any change you see is most likely temporary and will go away the minute she has you again because she no longer will see the need for the change. Maybe God just wants you to have some time to yourself to heal yourself and think about what it is that allowed you to be taken in by this type of person so you don't enter the same trap by just another name.

 

[Anonymess]

Thanks for the guidance black blackribbon and everyone.

I spent 9 months trying to figure that out in nearly complete isolation and have made a lot of discoveries about myself. EMDR, books, therapy, Mens Bible group, church, etc.

Part of me feels like this might be false guilt, like if I were a "real christian" or if I "really believed the marriage was from God" wouldn't I just have faith?

Or is it my super ego telling me that if I don't forgive her I'm bad...what my dad used to tell me if I had had him put in jail for the things he did. "God forgives me...why can't you?" All of which I talk to my counselor about.

Is all this I hear on the radio just coincidence or synchronicity? That I only notice it because it's on my mind? Or is it really the Holy Spirit answering my prayers or getting my attention? How can I know? Everyone says "if it is the Holy Spirit you will just know"... except I dont.

 

[Ubuntu]

If you had said that you just broke up with your GF because you felt that it was too soon after your divorce to get into another relationship, I would have said “fair enough”… There is nothing wrong with a “time out” all by yourself, taking time to heal just as @blackribbon and @hopesprings suggested.

What worries me is that the reason why you broke up with your girlfriend, appears to be because you believe God is telling you that you’ll eventually get back with your ex-wife, not because you wish time by yourself.

But being reminded of your ex-wife now and again, isn’t God’s voice speaking to you. Our mind is filled with memories. For instance, every time I see the color purple, I’m reminded of a person who once used to mean a lot to me. (Purple is her favorite color.) This doesn’t mean that God is speaking to me, it’s simply an association in my mind.

You said you once believed that God told you to marry a person who in the end grieved you in the worst possible way, and now you say that God told you to go away from a girlfriend that brings you much happiness... To be completely honest with you it doesn’t sound like God told you to do either of those two things.

Think about this… When Joseph heard that Mary was pregnant, he naturally assumed she had cheated. Divorcing her was the natural thing to do, and God actually sent an angel in order to prevent Joseph from doing this. Also, when Hosea remarried Gomer, you can be sure that he received a supernatural revelation from God, he didn’t do this on a whim.

Has an angel appeared to you? If not, I would assume that your marriage with your ex is broken beyond repair. Listening to the radio and hearing a story about someone remarrying their spouses, simply isn’t enough to conclude that God tells you to break up with your GF and get back with your ex. God certainly wants to lead us, but it is not safe to assume that associations in our minds essentially are the voice of God. Study the providence as recorded in the Bible, and you’ll learn a lot about the way God leads us.

Finally, a little warning. I know of people who actually committed serious crimes, believing that God were telling them to do these crimes, and that they were just following the guidance of God. These people were very sincere.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't think God is telling you to go back with your EX either. If you couldn't handle her then I'm sure even with all the growth you have since then that you still can't handle her.

Why break up with the blessing God has given you the last few months? Sounds like your anniversary is messing with your mind. Which happens to many people.

 

[Anonymess]

I put things on pause with her because I feel until this internal conflict is resolved, no matter what it is, causing it I can't be a good anything. I feel like I am doing her a disservice.

No, it wasn't an angel that came to me. But the feeling is as powerful. I had this same feeling twice before in my life and despite all the odds, people telling me I was crazy and that it wouldn't happen in a billion years, defying logic, reason, or even belief, the impossible happened then too. Twice.

 

[blackribbon]

There is a difference between forgiving and placing yourself back in a bad situation. Yes, you are to forgive her and yourself after repenting of anything you did wrong. But NPD and BPD people DO NOT CHANGE. So unless you see evidence of change over a long period of time, to go back would mean that you are just continuing the cycle. You can love her without being married to her. I am not saying that God can't work like that but often your feelings lie to you. We are highly emotionally connected to the people we love and I think we often mistake that for "God".

I do think you need to let the GF go because you are not being kind to her by vacillating. You are talking in months when talking about contemplation but when you are coming out of a relationship that involves mental illness, you may literally need years to rediscover what a healthy relationship and healthy love looks like. Months "feels" like a long time when you are alone and hurt but it really isn't that long at all. There are physical healings that take longer than that and our mind is much more complicated than the physical body.