Just when I thought it was safe to talk about...

[ido]

I am learning that it is still very difficult to talk about the abusiveness of my ex-husband.

I have made a few phone calls over the last couple of days that have required me to re-hash some of the things I was subjected to during my marriage - and the ways that my ex has continued to harrass me since our divorce.

I don't know if I'm just ultra-sensitive b/c of pregancy hormones or if I am not as healed as I thought I was...and it's unsettling.

I have worked hard to move past it all and am married to a wonderful, loving man with whom I have a healthy relationship. I guess I used that as my measure for healing. Now, I'm not sure if I am even over it at all if it can still bring me to tears to discuss with someone.

Ugh. Prayers would be appreciated.

 

[the.Sheepdog]

I would walk across the everglades to get to you to pray with you Val. No woman deserves abuse anymore than any man does. Then why does it happen?

Sometimes that man was abused himself growing up. That sin that is a curse visited upon the sixth generations down thing.

In my case my dad was abused physically by his father and grandfather. That went backwards several generations. dad abused me horribly and I spent a lot of my young years hiding and playing in a closed door closet.

I have tried to break that curse but have paid for it in other ways. 2 divorces and a son who is a convicted felon, and a daughter who wont talk to me or acknowledge me.

Still, no one deserves to be handled or spoken abusively to. I apologize for that man who abused you. Many men would say the same to you. Please know that memories take time to fade but never disappear completely, but that hurt can disappear. I will be praying for exactly that for you my beloved sister. I love you!

 

[ido]

Thanks Bill.

My ex suffered at the hands of an abusive father, as well. He suffered other horrible, unspeakable things no person should ever be subjected to, either. I pray for him daily.

I worry the most about my healing b/c my sons need at least one parent who is whole and not broken. I'm sorry for the consequences your pain and suffering have brought to your children and your relationships with them. You obviously understand very well why I'm so anxious about this all.

In trying to find the positive - at least I am aware that the process is not complete yet - that God is still working in my life. I just need to be patient and let Him do His thing.

 

[LaBarre]

flnativegirl,

First, a big congratulations on your current place in life and recovery, and especially for the new baby.

Just a couple thoughts here. I've never been married, so take it with a grain of salt.
In regards to your feeling unsettled about discovering that recounting the life with your ex-husband can still bring tears; one thing that shows progress in a survivors recovery is being able to cry about it, so I don't believe that you are in the beginning stages of recovery.

You described your present husband as wonderful and that you have a healthy marriage. If you hadn't made some big steps in recovery, then you would not be able to have a healthy relationship at all...even with a wonderful man. The abuse trains us and distorts our thinking too much.

Maybe there is still room for more recovery....and that's fine...it's not an indicator that you are not as healed as you thought. With the pregnancy hormones, plus being happy in your current life, and about to have a new baby....those things just might be revealing to you how far you've come from what life used to be. Maybe you're crying for the way things used to be. Maybe it is from some residual hurt and pain leftover from that life. Once in a while, even after tons of recovery and time, there can be times where the memories can affect us. It isn't necessarily a bad sign. After all, you spoke of your ex-husband with some signs of compassion or understanding because you mentioned that he had suffered as a child, and that you pray for him daily. You do wish him well, at least in some regards.

Personally, I am not surprised that talking about this caused you to cry. The events are not that far off in the past, and because you pray for him daily....he's still in your life.
The question is, does this rule your life?

Just something for you to consider.

I wish you all the best, and again, congratulations on all that you have accomplished so far!

LaBarre

 

[ido]

Thank you so much for your post! What you say is so true and I can see it when I step back and look at it from the perspective that you presented.

As for this stuff ruling my life. It doesn't rule ME, per se. But, b/c I have children with my ex and he still continues to do things to mess with me - that affect them/their well-being - it is something that is still a constant presence in my life.

But, that is what prompted this thread. I am finally taking the steps I need to take to [hopefully] put an end to the ridiculous games that he plays and the detriment that they pose to our children.

I've been told to document everything - and I have for the last 4 years. Now, I'm finally working to take action. If I don't have enough now to substantiate my case against my ex, then I fear I never will. But, praise God, the feedback I have gotten so far is that my ex is definitely way out of line. This feedback has been coming from trained professionals, too, so it's even more reassuring that I'm doing the right thing.

I've been thinking about the tears and I think that mostly they stem from humiliation and frustration at this point.

Humiliation for the way I allowed myself to be treated...and for believing his lies for as long as I did. Frustration for the fact that my children are the ones that suffer b/c I didn't see this side of my ex before it was too late (and for my younger son b/c I brought him into this world knowing what kind of father he would have).

So, I'm dealing with some residual guilt, too, I guess.

There is a women's center nearby and I am strongly considering some counseling or a support group. I have participated in neither since my divorce. It has been by God's grace alone that I have come as far as I have.

Thank you again - I really do appreciate your input and candidness.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I don't know if we ever do "get over it". Of course, for me it's all still fresh, since in my case this really started breaking bad maybe a year and a half ago.

All we can do is pray for each other, and try as best we can to soldier on.

 

[Johnnz]

Abuse goes very deep and can have many layers - like an onion. Discussing your past can activate another level of hurt or non resolution. So, don't be discouraged, or even see yourself as still 'having problems'. Just recognise that you and Jesus are on an ongoing journey through life.

Sometimes the insights an experienced therapist can be really helpful too.

John
NZ

 

[ido]

Thank you both for your thoughts.

I had to sort through documentation tonight for a meeting I am having tomorrow and I actually LOLed for real at some of the stuff that I read over that my ex has done/put me through over the past 4 years. I told my husband that it truly is a miracle that I didn't have a nervous breakdown at some point. As he so wisely pointed out, my strength (drawn from my faith) came from knowing my boys were depending on me.

 

[RuthD]

I am praying for you. I hope he leaves you alone and I pray for that. God bless.

 

[handmaiden of the Lord]

Dear Ido, I would love to know where you are with things now having been 3 years later as I am going through a very similar situation that you have gone through. I am newly separated.

 

[jmsclayton]

Hi

sharing

It takes time for the feelings to be worked out. Expressing feelings is of the utmost importance when healing from abuse. I know. Retrain our thinking etc. Healing can happen. The person that said that she wasn't sure or something. dont remember her exact words but-the key is to take the emotional impact out of the past so that it becomes a blip on the radar screen. Jesus also wept. So tears are important.

THoughts?

Judith