Just wanted to ask Are you too set in your ways?

[exitstageright]

Do you think women owe you something for being a "good Christian man"?

Attraction is attraction. You don't pick who you are attracted to. Quit having temper-tantrum because every woman you ask out doesn't fall madly in love with you. They are honest enough not to lead you on and waste your time.

No,no woman owes me anything. I thought that having a good christian woman,who loves me,is my reward for being good. Let us face it.None of us would be a christian if there was no heaven/or reward when we are saved.Why should we be good?The point I was trying to make is that if I am the kind of man that women say that they want,and I meet those qualifications,then why am I not being "picked"?

For example you are a nurse.I would think that you are a very good nurse.But,if you were told,while looking for work,that you are a very,very good nurse,and are qualified for a nursing job,and you were not hired,would not that hurt your feelings?

Some women do lead me on,while not being honest with me up front. I am not having a temper-tantrum. I am just expressing myself in a socially responsible,and an acceptable way. What I am supposed to do? Am I supposed to go out and get drunk? Should I smoke some weed and just forget about it?

Yes.I am sure that I do not belong to some "private little club". Many men have to put up with this asinine non sense,also. I just know how to express my frustration without being violent.

By the way, I do pick whom I am attracted to.However,my attraction for someone does not always come on "first sight'". As I have said before,I just seem to only attract "taken women". Just as my brother once told me.This Deacon's wife told him,"W.... if I was not married,I would be ALL over you!!" When I was 59,I heard, for the first time,a woman tell me that she was sexually attracted to me. Yes,she is married. If I had been told that when i was 19,I would had been confident as a young man. Women are attracted to confident men.

 

[exitstageright]

Bootstrapping off Blackribbon's point, it might just be smoke. Which is easier to say, "You do nothing for me any more," or "You are just too good to be true?"

"Too good to be true" can be real attractive at first. Down the road it can be a major PITA as a person constantly tries to measure up, week after week after week. Even if it's a subconscious thing. Or maybe especially if it is.



Sure. Or they do, but something in their past keeps them coming back to what's bad for them. Who knows. You never find out everything there is to know about someone. Even if you do find out most of it, it won't do you much good unless you've lived it yourself.




And there are many more who can, according to their own unique and valid definitions of "good," and are willing to wait for one.



Get another guy (with some honesty & talent in this area) to help you self-assess. Each of us is our own worst enemy when it comes to measuring our attractiveness/desirability to the opposite sex. We overestimate in certain areas, we underestimate in others. Most women want a guy who's a) handsome, b) hot / in great shape, c) smart, d) funny, e) smells good, f) knows how to dress himself, g) knows how to do the dance (and I don't mean sex or making out or anything like that), and h) has a very low WF (weirdness factor) unless his WF keeps her laughing non-stop to the point where a lot of his other junk starts looking not so bad after all.

Oh, and most of all: i) Not Boring.

Just because a woman is a solid Christian doesn't mean she doesn't want what other women want in a guy.

Well,that was one reason,as a younger man,that i wanted to be a professional athlete.That way,most people would know me,and would not mind saying "hello" to me.For example,how many people would think ,that Michael Jordan,President Obama, Denziel Washington,or Will Smith is boring?

By the way,when I was in my twenties,I was very,very muscular, in great shape,at 165 pounds,did not wear good clothes,and no girl ever called me handsome and/or sexy. Now,on cruises,I am 61 years old,wear very nice clothes,weight 230 pounds,overweight,yet women call me sexy. Maybe that is the difference between women and girls.

 

[exitstageright]

Do you think women owe you something for being a "good Christian man"?

Attraction is attraction. You don't pick who you are attracted to. Quit having temper-tantrum because every woman you ask out doesn't fall madly in love with you. They are honest enough not to lead you on and waste your time.

There is Biblical precedent about being good in order to get a reward.and being cursed as a result of disobedience.
Deuteronomy 28:2 states

"2 All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God:

Now for the curse in Deuteronomy 28:15

"Deuteronomy 28:15
However, if you do not obey the LORD your God and do not carefully follow all his commands and decrees I am giving you today, all these curses will come on you and overtake you:

This is one reason that we all try to be good. This is one of our motivations
for doing good.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

By the way,when I was in my twenties,I was very,very muscular, in great shape,at 165 pounds,did not wear good clothes,and no girl ever called me handsome and/or sexy. Now,on cruises,I am 61 years old,wear very nice clothes,weight 230 pounds,overweight,yet women call me sexy. Maybe that is the difference between women and girls.

You're a big guy but not by original design. This doesn't devalue you as a worthy human, but the question is how are women seeing that, especially extrapolating into the future? How's it trending? At 70 will it mean knock-kneed and blood pressure meds and limited mobility? There's at least a significant risk of it. These are the "numbers" that run through a woman's mind as she assesses the self-preservation aspect of entering into a LTR/marriage. You can be the hottest thing in the room today, starting every woman's dress on fire within a ten-yard radius, but the "numbers" still might not work for anything serious, and that's what she's gonna go with.

I'm guessing the other concern she'll have is the possible psychological whys for the 50% weight pop. That's some pretty rich soil for her imagination to plant its seeds and come up with reasonable possibilities, one or two which will probably be real close to the truth. And if the ones she comes up with happen to link up with anything that's hurt her in the past, you're done for, man, 'cause no woman wants even to risk repeating painful scenarios. (Especially if it's one she's already kicked herself in the butt for because she should've seen it coming.)

Not saying this is the only thing holding you back, or even in the top three, but it's something you have control over & can start working on.

 

[exitstageright]

You're a big guy but not by original design. This doesn't devalue you as a worthy human, but the question is how are women seeing that, especially extrapolating into the future? How's it trending? At 70 will it mean knock-kneed and blood pressure meds and limited mobility? There's at least a significant risk of it. These are the "numbers" that run through a woman's mind as she assesses the self-preservation aspect of entering into a LTR/marriage. You can be the hottest thing in the room today, starting every woman's dress on fire within a ten-yard radius, but the "numbers" still might not work for anything serious, and that's what she's gonna go with.

I'm guessing the other concern she'll have is the possible psychological whys for the 50% weight pop. That's some pretty rich soil for her imagination to plant its seeds and come up with reasonable possibilities, one or two which will probably be real close to the truth. And if the ones she comes up with happen to link up with anything that's hurt her in the past, you're done for, man, 'cause no woman wants even to risk repeating painful scenarios. (Especially if it's one she's already kicked herself in the butt for because she should've seen it coming.)

Not saying this is the only thing holding you back, or even in the top three, but it's something you have control over & can start working on.

When I was in high school,I played football,while losing 7 pounds a day during practice.When I was in the Navy,I played softball and football. By the age of 30,I was not playing team sports anymore. I was not motivated to stay in great shape. Now,I do walk 1 mile every morning from Monday thru Friday. I go to the gym on Mondays,Wednesdays,and Fridays. I have lost 30 pounds because of my 2013 New Year Resolution. I stopped going to Mc Donald's. And,I have not been to McDonald's since December of 2012.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

Outstanding. That's a good trend. And thank you for your service to our country.

 

[exitstageright]

Outstanding. That's a good trend. And thank you for your service to our country.

You are welcome!

 

[blackribbon]

No,no woman owes me anything. I thought that having a good christian woman,who loves me,is my reward for being good. Let us face it.None of us would be a christian if there was no heaven/or reward when we are saved.Why should we be good?The point I was trying to make is that if I am the kind of man that women say that they want,and I meet those qualifications,then why am I not being "picked"?

Love doesn't work that way...you don't go..."well, I wanted a blue car and this is a blue car ... so I guess it will do". And a million times NO...the "reward" for being a Christian is not now nor never will be to guarantee that you will find a romantic match on this earth. Our reward is to spend eternity with Christ...that is the ONLY guarantee and it should be more than enough.

For example you are a nurse.I would think that you are a very good nurse.But,if you were told,while looking for work,that you are a very,very good nurse,and are qualified for a nursing job,and you were not hired,would not that hurt your feelings?

Ummm....I suspect a lot of good nurses aren't hired for every job they apply for....and no, I wouldn't take it personally...it is a JOB...and they don't know me.

Some women do lead me on,while not being honest with me up front. I am not having a temper-tantrum. I am just expressing myself in a socially responsible,and an acceptable way. What I am supposed to do? Am I supposed to go out and get drunk? Should I smoke some weed and just forget about it?

"Leading you on" is dating you for multiple months, making you believe that you are starting to build a life together...all the time, never intending to do anything of the sort. It isn't even when someone dates someone a while trying to determine if they are a potential match. Turning you down after one or two dates is being up front about how you feel.

Yes.I am sure that I do not belong to some "private little club". Many men have to put up with this asinine non sense,also. I just know how to express my frustration without being violent.

Even the idea that you feel like you have to "put up" with women shows a lack of readiness to enter into a committed relationship. You are putting on a show and assuming they are.

By the way, I do pick whom I am attracted to.However,my attraction for someone does not always come on "first sight'". As I have said before,I just seem to only attract "taken women". Just as my brother once told me.This Deacon's wife told him,"W.... if I was not married,I would be ALL over you!!" When I was 59,I heard, for the first time,a woman tell me that she was sexually attracted to me. Yes,she is married. If I had been told that when i was 19,I would had been confident as a young man. Women are attracted to confident men.

So you get to chose based on "attraction" but it isn't okay for the same women to say "no thank you" for not being attracted back? And it is easy to say things when you are married and can't or won't act on them. Don't take those women too seriously.

...

 

[blackribbon]

Well,that was one reason,as a younger man,that i wanted to be a professional athlete.That way,most people would know me,and would not mind saying "hello" to me.For example,how many people would think ,that Michael Jordan,President Obama, Denziel Washington,or Will Smith is boring?

By the way,when I was in my twenties,I was very,very muscular, in great shape,at 165 pounds,did not wear good clothes,and no girl ever called me handsome and/or sexy. Now,on cruises,I am 61 years old,wear very nice clothes,weight 230 pounds,overweight,yet women call me sexy. Maybe that is the difference between women and girls.

Are the twenty somethings calling you sexy or is the view point different?

 

[pdudgeon]

Or would you be willing to change them if you meet him or her?

I have absolutely no reason to change just for a man.
If he thinks i need to change for him, then he's looking for someone else and not for me.
I do expect to change and grow in my walk with God, but He comes first.

 

[redblue22]

The original question is really a hard one for me. I've never been pushed by someone to change my ways. I think I would have a pretty hard time changing.

 

[blackribbon]

So for all of you not willing to change: if Tues night is Bowling Night, Wed night is "hang out with the guys", Thurs is Men's Bible Study, and Friday night is "visit mom".... you would only be available on Saturday, Sunday and Monday night?

(for women.... Scrapbooking/Knitting Night, "hanging out with the girls", Women's only Bible study, and "visit mom"....)

 

[exitstageright]

...

Yes,it is okay for a woman to reject me.That is her choice. What gets me is that my female co-workers,who have known me for more than four years,as well as myself,cannot figure out why I cannot attract any "winners".

Most of the time,I do not take rejection personally,just as I do on an audition.I am living proof that I am not the kind of man that most women are really looking for. Now,you said for me to not take women seriously? Well, one just cannot take a liar seriously. You just just proved my point that most women are...........liars

By the way,some married women have told me that they are attracted to me.Some of these same married women have made out with me. Some of these married women just cuddled with me. That is how desperate I was for some female human contact. I am sorry. A dog,for company, just will not do. I was just so darned tired of hearing the worst word in the English langauge. That word is......".NO!!!!!!!"

 

[exitstageright]

Are the twenty somethings calling you sexy or is the view point different?

The women,who are in their 40's,50's,and 60's,are now calling me "sexy". That is one reason why I am only dating women who are in my age group. The women in their 20's,most likely, do not know what type of man that they want. Besides,the women,in my age group have........experience.

 

[Bridgit]

Or would you be willing to change them if you meet him or her?

I believe that the older you get the more you are set in your ways because you know what is important and what is not, what is worth changing and what is not.

 

[dayhiker]

As far as find a day to get together someone, I've very flexible with that.

 

[bèlla]

I'm wedded to the why of life. Not the how. I recognize the difference between situational truths and permanency. Oftentimes you can't answer a question until you'll face it. The response depends on factors that aren't in play when you're speculating.

My goal in companionship is a win/win for both. Getting to that point is important. That begins with the right components and a shared belief in betterment and a willingness to adapt.

Practically speaking, I've accommodated my partner's preferences in many areas. On the physical side, he prefers to dress me. He listens to my input. But dressing his lady brings him joy. I'm okay with it.

I'm comfortable with his aesthetic and the dietary and fitness suggestions he's made. They align with the medical advice I've received. I won't split hairs over that.

He supports my calling and educational pursuits and is willing to join me overseas. He's suggested residency in places I hadn't considered when I'm done. I had an ideal in mind. But I'm flexible.

Being with him means accepting social obligations and adding things to my calendar that didn't exist. But aiding his work and establishing connections is important. Lending a hand to worthy causes is a must.

For me, it isn't a question of change but a desire to serve one another authentically. That requires give and take and an ability to look beyond ourselves. I want him to be happy. I'm not interested in power struggles or rigidity. We're a team.

~Bella

 

[Ronit]

I'm wedded to the why of life. Not the how. I recognize the difference between situational truths and permanency. Oftentimes you can't answer a question until you'll face it. The response depends on factors that aren't in play when you're speculating.

My goal in companionship is a win/win for both. Getting to that point is important. That begins with the right components and a shared belief in betterment and a willingness to adapt.

Practically speaking, I've accommodated my partner's preferences in many areas. On the physical side, he prefers to dress me. He listens to my input. But dressing his lady brings him joy. I'm okay with it.

I'm comfortable with his aesthetic and the dietary and fitness suggestions he's made. They align with the medical advice I've received. I won't split hairs over that.

He supports my calling and educational pursuits and is willing to join me overseas. He's suggested residency in places I hadn't considered when I'm done. I had an ideal in mind. But I'm flexible.

Being with him means accepting social obligations and adding things to my calendar that didn't exist. But aiding his work and establishing connections is important. Lending a hand to worthy causes is a must.

For me, it isn't a question of change but a desire to serve one another authentically. That requires give and take and an ability to look beyond ourselves. I want him to be happy. I'm not interested in power struggles or rigidity. We're a team.

~Bella

I'm happy for you
Ronit

 

[JAM2b]

I find that I am always changing, sometimes for the better and sometimes not so much. I did change a lot while I was married, trying to be a perfect wife to salvage what we had. It didn't help, it only prolonged the inevitable.

I've changed some for another love interest because I was broken, desperate, and also fed up with how my life had been. Some of those changes were good and actually growth. Some of them had me lowering my expectations. Some of the changes happened because I learned from him that not all men are as horrible as my ex husband, so I began to trust more.

I have swung like a pendulum, and am now exploring options with in relationships in general that I have been fearful of before, just in case I end up with someone at some point. Since my divorce, I became very controlling in my personal life out of necessity and insecurity. Now, I'm on the swing back the other direction.

I suspect that everyone who has emotional intelligence and respect for the person they are in a relationship with will go through some changes to accommodate the relationship. It's important to know what your deal breakers are and how far you are willing to go before starting with someone new so that you can know where your boundaries are for change.

I know more now what I want in a relationship, what roles I want each of us to play, and what it looks like to do it in a healthy way. I don't want someone to change who they are as a person, and I don't want to either. But I feel it is important that both parties be willing to negotiate and compromise or take turns or whatever...

Whatever happens, I want to walk into it with my eyes wide open and willing to work things out as best as possible without compromising the most important things.

 

[Miles]

Change is inevitable. I value the ability to adapt and grow.

On the other hand, stability is also important to me. I'm not about to change my life on a whim. If this makes me too "Set in my ways" for the wrong kind of woman, then so be it. If she's right for me, then she won't perceive me as too set in my ways. May as well keep things open for the right kind of woman to come into my life. This way, even if I remain single, at least I'll have peace of mind.