Just wanted to ask Are you too set in your ways?

[historyincognito]

Or would you be willing to change them if you meet him or her?

 

[dayhiker]

I think I'm willing to change some things ... but basically at this point in my life there aren't going to be big changes. I've learned what works for me and what doesn't work for me. So I'm not going to try and make something work that the last 50 years has shown me doesn't work. Over the years I've thought thru many issues and have changed all the things I feel God wants me to change.

Now I expect the woman I'm with to be the same. I don't look to change someone I'm with. If she has something she wants to change, say to be more adventurous. Then I'll be glad to be with her and talk about as well as support her while she tries new things. But if she does something that really bothers me and I'll not want to be around while she is doing that. Say she wants to get drunk once a month. Then she will have to do that with someone else, because a drunk person doesn't do anything for me.

 

[Mydnyte]

At this point, after all I've been though, anyone who comes around is just gonna be along for the ride. I've tried before to change to make someone happy only to be left with nothing to show for it.

 

[dayhiker]

I agree Mydnyte ... you need someone who wants to give from the start and also who knows how to receive and appreciate it. We in the church emphasis give give give. But if noone knows how to receive then we can't really give either. Its takes skills on both sides for that to work.

 

[blackribbon]

My life is nothing but non-stop changes that I don't usually have that much control over. I can handle a few more in order to accommodate a new person in my life. This is not about changing myself from my core person to make someone else happy but I most things in my life aren't about my core person and can be changed without too much issue.

 

[miss-a]

There are some things I would change and others I would not. However, I'm very willing to learn about and show build interest in the interests of my future mate. I think that's part of how we enhance one anothers' lives, by bringing new things in.

 

[quietpraiyze]

I'm adaptable and flexible but ultimately me. So I'm more of the mind set of you do you, I'll do me, and let's meet up some where in the middle. That's just more authentic for me plus I would be wary of someone "changing" for me. Who were they before?

 

[com7fy8]

Would I change my ways for someone I appreciate?

There are things I consider to be needed and necessary, things not to compromise.

But, a lot of things do not really make a difference; for someone special I can sacrifice them all Because I value the person more than what I might get to keep by my lonesome!

But I have a lady who wants me to do certain things she doesn't care to do.
And I "push" her to do what is good for her, at times when she could give me too much attention and has opportunities to share with others and be good for others.

And I enjoy discovering her by joining in her real life.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I'm too set in my ways... It'd be a 180 if someone got even near me

 

[Messy]

Or would you be willing to change them if you meet him or her?

No, that would be way too much effort and then I have to choose between him and the kids.
A real nice guy was interested, but I told him he'd better look for someone without kids and an ex. He wanted to go to a christian meeting or something and I was looking when we could go. Oh, no then the kids have holiday, oh no then it's saturday, I'm with the kids then. I thought: If I'm not even willing to go on a date and bring the kids to grandma, I'd better not do this. He'll want to go out more often. I hadnt thought about that.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

I'll come at this from a different angle: In the past, it was the relationships where I felt (or knew) I had to change something about myself that eventually went 'round the bend and over an embankment. Every single thing you have to change about yourself to suit someone else's preferences is like a coiled spring that self-winds tighter and tighter over time. Eventually that sucker's going to snap and make a real mess.

I'd rather things not work out, or not even get started, because I was myself, rather than start up something and have it fail because I didn't do a good enough job of imitating someone I'm not.

I once gave some advice to someone who was complaining about never being able to find the right guy. I said, "Then stop going out with the ones that almost are."

Isn't going out with someone who isn't quite right for you just another form of giving up?

 

[blackribbon]

You are not going to find someone "just like you". To become a couple, both parties have to change a little bit...if nothing else, become a little less self-centered. The question is are you changing habits or are you trying to change your personality or belief system?

A little change is good for us all. That is called "growth" and if you don't grow, you stagnant...even your mind does.

I am willing to change small things...or even learn about new things. Say, I met someone who was fascinated about cars, then I'd be open to learning about them too so I could converse intelligently and share his love....but if you wanted me to suddenly be "okay with a smoker" or change religions,.... well, no, those things aren't going to change....and I can't suddenly become someone who likes to party or bar hop all the time.

 

[exitstageright]

You are not going to find someone "just like you". To become a couple, both parties have to change a little bit...if nothing else, become a little less self-centered. The question is are you changing habits or are you trying to change your personality or belief system?

A little change is good for us all. That is called "growth" and if you don't grow, you stagnant...even your mind does.

I am willing to change small things...or even learn about new things. Say, I met someone who was fascinated about cars, then I'd be open to learning about them too so I could converse intelligently and share his love....but if you wanted me to suddenly be "okay with a smoker" or change religions,.... well, no, those things aren't going to change....and I can't suddenly become someone who likes to party or bar hop all the time.

I met several women,who are very,very compatible with me. We have a whole lot in common. We share many of our positive attributes .But,they are already taken Well some of them are not interested in me.Yet some would pick a bum over me.

Now calling someone a bum is not nice.But most women tell me that I am "too nice" Well,life is sometimes not nice.

 

[blackribbon]

I met several women,who are very,very compatible with me. We have a whole lot in common. We share many of our positive attributes .But,they are already taken Well some of them are not interested in me.Yet some would pick a bum over me.

Now calling someone a bum is not nice.But most women tell me that I am "too nice" Well,life is sometimes not nice.

Compatibility needs to be in both people's eyes.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

> But most women tell me that I am "too nice"

I can sympathize with the viewpoint. "Too nice" can be read by a potential mate as trying to make up for a poor self-image by getting lots of external approval.

I've run into highly-aggressive forms of too nice where someone will pester the crap out of me with it (in various forms) to the point where I feel like I'm gasping for air.

I've also run into another form of too nice where it's directed at me with the expectation that I'll direct it back at her. "I'll do nice things for you and show concern for you, and now you have to reciprocate, because that will fill the gaping void in my emotional landscape."

And another: Obviously out of desperation to find a mate, more-often in older women than younger, especially right after a breakup where her self-image may have just got shot to hell (and maybe for valid reasons, which opens up a whole 'nother can of worms).

Yeah, "too nice" is definitely a red flag for me. Just don't want to be around the person. It's a combination of highly-irritating and, well, creepy. Like, "Something's lurking under this." I'm not saying any of these people are you; it's just what I've run into in the opposite sex, and how I've personally reacted to it. The usual disclaimers apply, starting with it's a sample size of only one (me).

 

[exitstageright]

> But most women tell me that I am "too nice"

I can sympathize with the viewpoint. "Too nice" can be read by a potential mate as trying to make up for a poor self-image by getting lots of external approval.

I've run into highly-aggressive forms of too nice where someone will pester the crap out of me with it (in various forms) to the point where I feel like I'm gasping for air.

I've also run into another form of too nice where it's directed at me with the expectation that I'll direct it back at her. "I'll do nice things for you and show concern for you, and now you have to reciprocate, because that will fill the gaping void in my emotional landscape."

And another: Obviously out of desperation to find a mate, more-often in older women than younger, especially right after a breakup where her self-image may have just got shot to hell (and maybe for valid reasons, which opens up a whole 'nother can of worms).

Yeah, "too nice" is definitely a red flag for me. Just don't want to be around the person. It's a combination of highly-irritating and, well, creepy. Like, "Something's lurking under this." I'm not saying any of these people are you; it's just what I've run into in the opposite sex, and how I've personally reacted to it. The usual disclaimers apply, starting with it's a sample size of only one (me).

Well.my youngest brother,also a good christian man,has told me that his last lady friend broke up with him. She told him,"You are just too good to be true."
Now, my brother is no pushover. Could it be that many women have been hurt by so many jerks,that these women do not know a good man once they meet one? Of,course the are some women that cannot appreciate a good man,once they find one. They put him in the "friend zone"

I have no problem, when I meet a new woman who says,"Let us be friends first." But,I just cringe every time a woman tells me that she wants a good christian man.She tells me that I am a good christian man.But,I do not ever hear her say that she wants me. This just does not compute. It is getting to the point,with all of these lies,that it is getting harder,and harder for me to believe anyone who has a set of two X chromosomes.

I must have a sign on my forehead,that only women can see,that says,"Go ahead,lie to me!"

I do try to follow the Golden Rule towards everyone I come in contact with. And if women think that is being too nice,then as they say in the US Navy,"Duck it!!"

 

[keith99]

I'll change what I do and how I express myself.

Not going to try to change who I am and not interested in anyone who wants to change that.

 

[blackribbon]

Well.my youngest brother,also a good christian man,has told me that his last lady friend broke up with him. She told him,"You are just too good to be true."
Now, my brother is no pushover. Could it be that many women have been hurt by so many jerks,that these women do not know a good man once they meet one? Of,course the are some women that cannot appreciate a good man,once they find one. They put him in the "friend zone"

I have no problem, when I meet a new woman who says,"Let us be friends first." But,I just cringe every time a woman tells me that she wants a good christian man.She tells me that I am a good christian man.But,I do not ever hear her say that she wants me. This just does not compute. It is getting to the point,with all of these lies,that it is getting harder,and harder for me to believe anyone who has a set of two X chromosomes.

I must have a sign on my forehead,that only women can see,that says,"Go ahead,lie to me!"

I do try to follow the Golden Rule towards everyone I come in contact with. And if women think that is being too nice,then as they say in the US Navy,"Duck it!!"

Do you think women owe you something for being a "good Christian man"?

Attraction is attraction. You don't pick who you are attracted to. Quit having temper-tantrum because every woman you ask out doesn't fall madly in love with you. They are honest enough not to lead you on and waste your time.

 

[blackribbon]

> But most women tell me that I am "too nice"

I can sympathize with the viewpoint. "Too nice" can be read by a potential mate as trying to make up for a poor self-image by getting lots of external approval.

I've run into highly-aggressive forms of too nice where someone will pester the crap out of me with it (in various forms) to the point where I feel like I'm gasping for air.

I've also run into another form of too nice where it's directed at me with the expectation that I'll direct it back at her. "I'll do nice things for you and show concern for you, and now you have to reciprocate, because that will fill the gaping void in my emotional landscape."

And another: Obviously out of desperation to find a mate, more-often in older women than younger, especially right after a breakup where her self-image may have just got shot to hell (and maybe for valid reasons, which opens up a whole 'nother can of worms).

Yeah, "too nice" is definitely a red flag for me. Just don't want to be around the person. It's a combination of highly-irritating and, well, creepy. Like, "Something's lurking under this." I'm not saying any of these people are you; it's just what I've run into in the opposite sex, and how I've personally reacted to it. The usual disclaimers apply, starting with it's a sample size of only one (me).

THIS (along with everything else posted). The problem is with "TOO" not "nice"..... it rings that something isn't genuine or true. I have seen lots of genuinely "nice", caring, giving men and they are never described as "TOO nice". Maybe it is time to investigate what "too" means in your search for a woman.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

Well.my youngest brother,also a good christian man,has told me that his last lady friend broke up with him. She told him,"You are just too good to be true."

Bootstrapping off Blackribbon's point, it might just be smoke. Which is easier to say, "You do nothing for me any more," or "You are just too good to be true?"

"Too good to be true" can be real attractive at first. Down the road it can be a major PITA as a person constantly tries to measure up, week after week after week. Even if it's a subconscious thing. Or maybe especially if it is.

Now, my brother is no pushover. Could it be that many women have been hurt by so many jerks,that these women do not know a good man once they meet one?

Sure. Or they do, but something in their past keeps them coming back to what's bad for them. Who knows. You never find out everything there is to know about someone. Even if you do find out most of it, it won't do you much good unless you've lived it yourself.

Of,course the are some women that cannot appreciate a good man, once they find one.

And there are many more who can, according to their own unique and valid definitions of "good," and are willing to wait for one.

I have no problem, when I meet a new woman who says,"Let us be friends first." But,I just cringe every time a woman tells me that she wants a good christian man.She tells me that I am a good christian man.But,I do not ever hear her say that she wants me. This just does not compute.

Get another guy (with some honesty & talent in this area) to help you self-assess. Each of us is our own worst enemy when it comes to measuring our attractiveness/desirability to the opposite sex. We overestimate in certain areas, we underestimate in others. Most women want a guy who's a) handsome, b) hot / in great shape, c) smart, d) funny, e) smells good, f) knows how to dress himself, g) knows how to do the dance (and I don't mean sex or making out or anything like that), and h) has a very low WF (weirdness factor) unless his WF keeps her laughing non-stop to the point where a lot of his other junk starts looking not so bad after all.

Oh, and most of all: i) Not Boring.

Just because a woman is a solid Christian doesn't mean she doesn't want what other women want in a guy.