- Oct 10, 2009
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I am not really sure where to post this because it involves many struggles, so I figured I would just post it here. Have you ever felt like you were not a good person?
I have an idea what may have caused me to feel not so good in the beginning... Something bad happened when I was about 7 years old and I think that may have shaped the way I felt about myself growing up. I felt ugly and inadequate. I felt like it was impossible to just be "good." I did well in school but I was not good. I was selfish. Other kids in middle school used to bully me for various reasons, because I didn't act like the other kids, I dressed weird, etc. I used to retaliate by cussing them out and I have even told some of them that I wish they were dead. 7th grade was the worst... people made fun of me enough but they really made fun of me after they found out that I had a crush on this boy, I wrote poems for him (I'm a published writer now, btw), I would talk about how much I "loved" him, I actually thought he would ignore what the other kids said and give me a chance, but he didn't. He went along with them and made fun of me. He and everyone else said I was an ugly loser (although, looking back on that time now, I looked quite normal, but I guess I acted ugly, still don't really understand). I started cutting myself after all the bullying was too much for me. I acted tough around school, cussing people out and acting like it didn't bother me, but it really hurt me and I let it all out when I was alone at home.
High school was a little bit different. I didn't get bullied and I started making some new friends, but I still did not feel good about myself. I was still cutting and I was cutting quite often. I developed an eating disorder during my freshman year. No one even called me fat and when I look at pictures of what I looked like back then I was not fat at all, but when I looked in the mirror I saw myself as fat. Freshman, sophomore, and junior year were hard for me, the cutting kept getting worse and my eating disorder was out of control. Although I kept my grades up, I missed a lot of school. I didn't want to go out in public, I didn't want people to see me, so I stayed home a lot and just found out what the homework was and taught myself. My mom found out what I was doing to myself and I started going to therapy. The therapy helped quite a bit. There were a few times where I relapsed and slipped back into my old habits but it never got as bad as it was back then.
Freshman year I met and started dating a great guy. He treated me with respect and he was my first love. I was 15 and he was 18. We got along so well because we could relate to each other. We both had issues with cutting and have both had difficult times in our lives. We helped each other cope and we made each other happy. He committed suicide when I was 17, he was 20. I still don't know why he did it. I spent a long time grieving for him, I still miss him and I will always love him but I have been doing much better and I know he would want me to be happy. Shortly after he died, I was so vulnerable and started dating this other guy to try to move on as fast as I could. Well, this guy didn't help me move on. He was good to me the first few months but then started showing signs of jealousy and he became verbally and physically abusive. I also later found out that he was cheating on me. When I broke up with him, he tried to put into my mind that I was not good enough for anyone anyway and that I will never be happy. I truly believed what he told me and I tried to kill myself. That was a very eye-opening experience. I came so close to death (I have never tried anything like that again, I don't want to die, it is not my time yet).
After I recovered and got over that guy (he is currently living with the girl he cheated on me with, I pray that she is okay), everything seemed to be looking up for me and I thought I would find my way to true happiness. I started college (I am a law student) and I was so happy. I dated around for awhile and then I met a guy who I thought was "perfect" for me. After dating him for about 2 weeks, he did something really terrible to me and it still bothers me (this happened November 14, 2008, the day before my 19th birthday). It was one of the hardest things I have had to go through and one of the scariest experiences of my life. I never saw him again after that and I don't want to. I am struggling a little bit right now with trying to get past it. I was talking to my friend about what happened and about forgiveness. She said it is okay to forgive him, but that doesn't mean that I have to let him back into my life (and of course, I won't let him back into my life), so I've been thinking a lot about that.
This past year has been better. I am happy, I can honestly say I am happy. I have been trying to get closer to God. Right now I am blessed to have a wonderful mother (she is still there for me even after everything I have put her through), great friends (and still meeting new friends), and a supportive boyfriend. My good friend, Sheryl, gave me useful advice: never put anything or anyone before your love for God. God is always there even when you feel like you are alone.
Sometimes I still do not feel like a good person, although I am trying to be. I know that I am forgiven. I pray often and I know Jesus died for our sins. I love God and I have learned from my mistakes. There are some things I am struggling with but I am trying to get through it. I want to be a more forgiving person. I want to stop lusting over this married man that I know (believe me, I have been working on that, getting over temptation, I would never go after a married man, it is like a big crush but I can over it). I want to stop judging others.
Thank you for reading this. Any advice is definitely appreciated.
I have an idea what may have caused me to feel not so good in the beginning... Something bad happened when I was about 7 years old and I think that may have shaped the way I felt about myself growing up. I felt ugly and inadequate. I felt like it was impossible to just be "good." I did well in school but I was not good. I was selfish. Other kids in middle school used to bully me for various reasons, because I didn't act like the other kids, I dressed weird, etc. I used to retaliate by cussing them out and I have even told some of them that I wish they were dead. 7th grade was the worst... people made fun of me enough but they really made fun of me after they found out that I had a crush on this boy, I wrote poems for him (I'm a published writer now, btw), I would talk about how much I "loved" him, I actually thought he would ignore what the other kids said and give me a chance, but he didn't. He went along with them and made fun of me. He and everyone else said I was an ugly loser (although, looking back on that time now, I looked quite normal, but I guess I acted ugly, still don't really understand). I started cutting myself after all the bullying was too much for me. I acted tough around school, cussing people out and acting like it didn't bother me, but it really hurt me and I let it all out when I was alone at home.
High school was a little bit different. I didn't get bullied and I started making some new friends, but I still did not feel good about myself. I was still cutting and I was cutting quite often. I developed an eating disorder during my freshman year. No one even called me fat and when I look at pictures of what I looked like back then I was not fat at all, but when I looked in the mirror I saw myself as fat. Freshman, sophomore, and junior year were hard for me, the cutting kept getting worse and my eating disorder was out of control. Although I kept my grades up, I missed a lot of school. I didn't want to go out in public, I didn't want people to see me, so I stayed home a lot and just found out what the homework was and taught myself. My mom found out what I was doing to myself and I started going to therapy. The therapy helped quite a bit. There were a few times where I relapsed and slipped back into my old habits but it never got as bad as it was back then.
Freshman year I met and started dating a great guy. He treated me with respect and he was my first love. I was 15 and he was 18. We got along so well because we could relate to each other. We both had issues with cutting and have both had difficult times in our lives. We helped each other cope and we made each other happy. He committed suicide when I was 17, he was 20. I still don't know why he did it. I spent a long time grieving for him, I still miss him and I will always love him but I have been doing much better and I know he would want me to be happy. Shortly after he died, I was so vulnerable and started dating this other guy to try to move on as fast as I could. Well, this guy didn't help me move on. He was good to me the first few months but then started showing signs of jealousy and he became verbally and physically abusive. I also later found out that he was cheating on me. When I broke up with him, he tried to put into my mind that I was not good enough for anyone anyway and that I will never be happy. I truly believed what he told me and I tried to kill myself. That was a very eye-opening experience. I came so close to death (I have never tried anything like that again, I don't want to die, it is not my time yet).
After I recovered and got over that guy (he is currently living with the girl he cheated on me with, I pray that she is okay), everything seemed to be looking up for me and I thought I would find my way to true happiness. I started college (I am a law student) and I was so happy. I dated around for awhile and then I met a guy who I thought was "perfect" for me. After dating him for about 2 weeks, he did something really terrible to me and it still bothers me (this happened November 14, 2008, the day before my 19th birthday). It was one of the hardest things I have had to go through and one of the scariest experiences of my life. I never saw him again after that and I don't want to. I am struggling a little bit right now with trying to get past it. I was talking to my friend about what happened and about forgiveness. She said it is okay to forgive him, but that doesn't mean that I have to let him back into my life (and of course, I won't let him back into my life), so I've been thinking a lot about that.
This past year has been better. I am happy, I can honestly say I am happy. I have been trying to get closer to God. Right now I am blessed to have a wonderful mother (she is still there for me even after everything I have put her through), great friends (and still meeting new friends), and a supportive boyfriend. My good friend, Sheryl, gave me useful advice: never put anything or anyone before your love for God. God is always there even when you feel like you are alone.
Sometimes I still do not feel like a good person, although I am trying to be. I know that I am forgiven. I pray often and I know Jesus died for our sins. I love God and I have learned from my mistakes. There are some things I am struggling with but I am trying to get through it. I want to be a more forgiving person. I want to stop lusting over this married man that I know (believe me, I have been working on that, getting over temptation, I would never go after a married man, it is like a big crush but I can over it). I want to stop judging others.
Thank you for reading this. Any advice is definitely appreciated.
s. there's a website called 
