Just some things...

[Chocolatesa]

Were you and your siblings baptized? I can't remember if you ever mentioned this. If your sister was, that may have had something to do with the fact that things "calmed down" a bit spiritually just after she was born. If not, well maybe it still had something to do with it, maybe she had special guardian angels cause she was a baby, or just extra angels around at all might have made a difference. My brother in law (the one practicing Wicca) wants to get un-baptized, something about being let off from work more frequently for "religious" holidays or something. Possibly one reason among others, but that's the only one he gave me.

 

[Kol]

About this time, my friend Sara was growing up safely about 2000 miles away, in Salt Lake City, Utah. We had started things off together and had been separated. She would now go on to be raised in the LDS church, with morality and good Christian virtues. Her life was nearly as bad as mine. She would learn to cut herself to release a bit of her pain, she would learn where her father kept his handgun, and she would eventually begin to cut on her wrist to get her parents' attention. Her brother Glenn was not far behind.

As far as me and my own sister went, things were good at the time but that would never last. For the moment I just enjoyed the little babe's company. I love kids, and that began with my sister Amanda.

I didn't realize it at the time, but all four of us were connected.

I had a very strange feeling or sense about my sister, but I didn't know what it was. It made me a bit afraid (I didn't know why), a bit uneasy, and mostly..it was just weird. I don't know how else to explain it. It was like an unsettling feeling, if that makes sense.

I began to have dreams about a very beautiful woman with blonde hair who would come to see me. In most of the dreams, I was also an adult, though sometimes we were both kids. We were always in a classroom, and a blonde-haired man was teaching us things. All the classes were about the end of the world, and not all of my classes were with this beautiful girl. The lights were low, and because of this, most of the people in the world couldn't attend. Something very evil was coming and because I had inside knowledge, I was being taught to help. In other dreams, I was looking for a glowing orb like from one of my games, and the beautiful girl was trying to help me find it. This was something I'd had a long time ago but lost, and was determined to get back.

..........

One night, I had a dream not like any of these. At the time it was very strange and incredibly sad.

It started with a cave, like a tunnel dug into the earth. I had been wandering those tunnels by my self for a long, long time. It's dark, but somehow there is just enough light to see by. As I keep going, the tunnel ends and comes to meet three other tunnels at what used to be the courtyard of a castle. There are four entries to the courtyard, one for each direction.

I felt myself riding on a horse, and I was a fully-grown adult. I was a very strong and very powerful man. I was also a very tired one. I have cuts and bruises all over my body, and I'm sweaty and grimy. I feel battered, and beaten. I know that I have been riding for a very long time.

A nine-year-old dreaming in bed, I suddenly felt incredibly sad.

Riding alone on this horse, I had no home, no loved ones, nothing but my self-appointed quest. I was going to die and I knew it, but I didn't care..it wasn't even a thought in my mind..all I wanted was to finish what I had started. To kill the ones who had done this. I felt like no one knew me, no one ever called out for me, no one remembered me. No one even knew what I was. Everything had changed, gone either north or south, and I was the only one who had stayed. I was just something forgotten. A little piece of a past that no one ever thought about or remembered. And that's all I was.

Without thinking or saying anything, I ride up to the center of the courtyard, where there is a fountain. The entire courtyard is crumbling and covered in dust. The courtyard is much, much older than the cave surrounding it. This was something that had been hidden in the ground, which you had to go into the earth to find. And I stood in front of it. Despite the fact that the fountain itself was old and battered, the fountain still bubbled absolutely pure water, just like it always had, just like it always would.

I remember that I very strongly did not want to be at that fountain.

"Are you there?!" I called out.

The air seemed to answer me, all at once. It was like some kind of brass-sounding instrument in the dream, like a trumpet almost. It was as if every bit of air answered, and all at the same time. Each note reverberated within itself, like lighting echoeing in, and then slipped out. It came from the air about 10 to 15 feet in front of me, and maybe 5 or 6 feet above me. It wasn't there at first, not until I called to it. I want to say I felt something like a cloud, but I'm not sure so I can't say.

I remembered thinking it was God, and that He answered that He was *always* there. I said something like, "there's only so many ways this can end, aren't there?" I don't remember what the answer was. I then said something like, "one of those ways is with You, isn't it?" I remember dreaming that He said yes, and that the decision was mine. I believe I told Him that all I really wanted to do was to destroy "them". He answered, saying that it was going to be done, but He wasn't going to make any effort to see that I had anything to do with it.

In that moment I didn't hate God, but I felt apart from Him with no desire to go back. I just wanted to finish my mission and die.

In the dream, I felt so strong, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. I was some kind of old grizzled war veteran, and I had been fighting the enemy for a countless number of years. Dreaming, it made me very sad and..just somber. The experience itself had a sense of agelessness to it. I had been traveling for so many years, and despite the fact that I tried so hard, I simply *could not* succeed at what I was trying to accomplish. I didn't have anyone with me. It was as if my entire family had passed away..as everyone else were just distant relatives, and that this distance only made it so much worse. My old life had passed away. All the things I'd wanted when I was so young had passed away. My home and everyone I loved was gone, long gone and completely forgotten. I was horribly alone, and I felt like no one even understood what I was about anymore. I was on this self-appointed "mission", and it was only because I had no contact with others that I could even have set out on something like this. But after so many years, I found that I just couldn't win, despite my strength and experience.

Finally, I made my decision. The decision was completely on my own part, almost selfish, and was for the sole reason that I wanted to defeat my adversary. I remember whispering out loud; "this is the only way I'll ever be able to do this." I reached into myself, and pulled out some kind of container. Inside was my blood. I hadn't wanted to make this decision for a while yet, but because of what had happened, I knew I couldn't hold out any longer. This sacrifice was absolutely necessary if I ever wanted to succeed. I opened the container and poured my blood out into the fountain.

This blood was incredibly old. It was without question ancient. There was an undisguised sense of nobility about it, and part of me wanted to break out in misery over the loss. Not even for myself..it was as if some priceless artifact were being destroyed forever. It was like I was pouring out the entire history of an entire noble line, erasing it from all the history books and killing off all the living descendants so that the family was completely gone, and forgotten forever.

After I finished pouring my blood into the fountain, the water turned a sickly light-red color. I felt horrible, because I thought for a moment that I had ruined the fountain. This fountain was different. It was one of those things that simply defied explanation, one of the wonders of God. And I had ruined it. After a second more though, the water cleared, bubbled again, and flowed, absolutely pure again. I filled my container with this water, and moved on.

...

 

[Kol]

Were you and your siblings baptized? I can't remember if you ever mentioned this. If your sister was, that may have had something to do with the fact that things "calmed down" a bit spiritually just after she was born. If not, well maybe it still had something to do with it, maybe she had special guardian angels cause she was a baby, or just extra angels around at all might have made a difference. My brother in law (the one practicing Wicca) wants to get un-baptized, something about being let off from work more frequently for "religious" holidays or something. Possibly one reason among others, but that's the only one he gave me.

I don't believe Amanda was baptised at that time, although she chose to be (as a kid). I have no idea why things got quieter after she was born.

 

[Kol]

As kids we were never baptized. My mother had been as a child, and my brother was when he became an adult. I was baptized (catholic) as a baby and again when I first stopped practicing new age, though I was still into the occult at that time.

 

[Kol]

I've asked my sister about this. She says she only feels aliens around when my mom is drinking (and at that apartment). This is hard for me to believe, but I have to mention it because i really don't have the answer.

 

[Chocolatesa]

This was something I'd had a long time ago but lost, and was determined to get back.

This sounds like your relationship with God, or your soul, or something...

 

[Kol]

When I dreamed about the knight and the fountain, I felt like I was talking to God in the dream. When I first saw myself there, I was in awe, and I remember asking God, "is this what you think of me?!" I felt as if He looked away in disgust and said, as if He'd lost something which had once been worth a lot, "that's what you used to be." As if, 'thats exactly what you once were'.

I felt as if I'd really let someone very important down. Me dreaming that God said this to me was the first time in my life that *anyone* had ever shown any sort of faith or idea of worth in me. I felt as if God had created me with a value, and that I'd lost it. Since He was the only one who had ever cared, I decided that I, too, would only care about Him.

This dream changed me. It woke me up in a way. It woke me to realizing that I didn't have to depend on anyone else for my worth. I would decide what I could become, what I would be. I was only nine years old, but some of the most important decisions are made during your childhood. A lot of those are made by other people, and I felt that God had just made one for me by caring about me. By being disgusted with me.

But of course, things weren't so easy.

All this [summed up] meant that I was going to believe in God and never other people. It wasn't only that they didn't believe in me or in helping me. Their little world made absolutely no sense. It was weak and ineffective. A lot of this was because of the ghost and alien stuff. How I could wake up in the middle of the night to feel an absolutely wicked presence and see a something kneeling in the corner of my room *staring* at me and have my mother tell me the next morning, "aliens aren't real" was it. It was as if every bit of control I had was so easily nothing to these "things", and my complaints were answered by telling me none of it ever happened.

Never again, I decided, would I listen to that nonsense. From that point on I and the world were enemies. I thought back to my dreams of the classrooms and I considered myself henceforth in training for God.

 

[Kol]

Four years later I'd already bought my first book on spells. I think the name of it was "Celtic Magic". I ordered a dagger from the nearby Atlanta Cutlery company and had my mom order different colored candles in the mail (to correspond to each "element"). I covered all the windows with black garbage bags and at night I would light my candles and pray to different gods for protection and guidance.

I was now officially into witchcraft.

It did absolute wonders for me. Not necessarily that it gave actual results-if it did or didn't, I have no idea-but it finally gave me something to believe in. As I thought more and more about it, I felt very estranged from anything Baptist. I still considered myself a Christian, but I felt that God was not something to be found in a church.

Christ as the high priest is the *only* gate, the only path to God. That was what I didn't realize. But I didn't have anyone to teach me these things. I was honestly hungry for spiritual truth; I'd decided to believe in God and I'd decided to do what He would want me to do. But nothing in church could relate to me, could get on my level and say, "yes, I know what you know, and here is the answer to your questions."

This would change in a few years, but at the time I was completely lost.

I read all of Whitley Streiber's books, where he told his stories of being "abducted" by aliens and taught different things. "Reality is God's dream," he said. I read Budd Hopkins, all about the "Greys" and about their genetic experiments.

I borrowed a book my mom had bought called "Past Lives, Future Lives". I learned about the different levels of reality, made myself memorize them, and began to read up on Atlantis and the New Age movement.

New Age is the term commonly used to designate the broad movement of late 20th century and contemporary Western culture, characterised by an eclectic and individual approach to spiritual exploration.

Among some of the things I began to believe (these are all from Wiki):

-Spiritual beings (e.g. angels, ascended masters, elementals, ghosts, and/or space aliens) exist, and will guide us, if we open ourselves to their guidance.

-The human mind has deep levels and vast powers, which are capable even of overriding physical reality.

-The individual has a purpose here on earth, in the present surroundings, because there is a lesson to learn. The most important lesson is love.

-An appeal to the language of nature and mathematics, as evidenced by numerology in Kabbala, gnosticism etc., to discern the nature of god.

...

I decided to contact my spirit guide to learn love and grow in consciousness. Since I'd read up on the concept of "walk-ins":

A walk-in is thought to be a person whose original soul has departed his or her body and been replaced with a new soul.

I invited any spirits who could guide me to come and reside with me in my body. Just like the book said to do.

..........

You can guess who answered.

The voice seemed to be smiling or grinning:

"Do you remember me?"

"I'm God," it said.

 

[Kol]

The next thing I taught myself was how to leave my body. The book I had mentioned two ways: either try to imagine yourself rolling while keeping still, and thus "roll" out of your physical form, or else to go to sleep thirsty, and imagine yourself getting up to get some water. I tried the first, time and again. But I could never get it to work, at least not that I remembered.

I woke up in the middle of the night once to see a pale, tannish face in my mirror. There was no body to it; it was an alien's head, about three feet wide, it was a woman somehow, and furthermore, it was someone I *knew*. I don't remember anything else...as far as I know, I turned back over and went to sleep.

I was startled awake another night to find three "men" standing in my bedroom, at my brother's bottom bunk. Again, I somehow fell asleep.

The alien phenom was much worse than it had ever been before.

A website called CE-4 has some better testimonies than mine, of people who remember more:

The pieces started to fit together the night they dropped her. For years Cathy Land had been by the sense that something wasn't quite right. There were periods of unaccounted missing time, mornings when she felt heavy and lethargic despite a full night's sleep, an unsettling sense of somehow having been visited.
Then she woke up with an alien's face inches from hers.
"He had dropped me. I could feel his breath on my face. It startled him that I woke up. He had this confused- 'That's not supposed to happen'- look on his face. The second one still had hold of my legs. I rolled over into a fetal position and went right back to sleep."​

I don't ever remember being carried but I do remember the same things in my own room.​

I decided to fight them, though I had no idea how I was going to do so.

I couldn't pray. If I ever tried, I would suddenly feel like I was being pushed out of my body. I would get dizzy and sick. Some part of me didn't like what I was doing.

I had my mother buy more books, and I began to learn about Wicca a bit. I used to go into the backyard and just dig into the dirt, feeling at one with the earth and nature. Nature was God to me, it was obviously "Him", and it was much easier to believe in than fire-and-brimstone-"I'll get you yet!"-Hebrew-God. I felt at one with nature, I felt at peace. The world was strong. It was ordered. People had created this false image of God because of the ignorance within themselves. But my spirit guide had led me to discover otherwise. It didn't mean anything special, though, because anyone else who would allow themselves to embrace the truth could discover the same thing.

I began to have very violent dreams of killing. I would go on massacres, killing as many people as I could and trying to see how much fear I could get from the people I killed. I couldn't wake up from these dreams, and I couldn't stop them from happening. They were rare, but I did have them and they were horrible.

One night my sister Amanda told me that a monster with big eyes had come from over the trees one night.

I began to sleep outside her room, trying desperately to protect her. I would carry her to my own room and lay her down to sleep beside me. I prayed over her, cast spells over her, contacted my spirit guide to protect her.

But of course, things just got worse and worse.

I had nightmares of being put on a table and being tortured. I had nightmares of demons telling me that I was crazy and that if I ever told anyone about them, I would be locked up and they would never let me wake up again. I would wake up with bruises, sometimes bleeding, and gasping for breath. I would wake up to people standing around my bed, speaking to me in another language, that I knew. Or my bed shaking violently even though there was no earthquake.

http://www.alienresistance.org/personalexperiences.htm

 

[Kol]

Anton Levay is the founder of the "church of Satan", but even if I were still a Satanist I wouldn't have a very high opinion of him.

I never bought his "Satanic Bible", but I borrowed a few things like it (I can't remember what they were..!). His version of the philosophy was at odds with what I believed in, because Levay seemed to believe strongly in materialism, while I was after spiritualism. But some of the things he taught I did start to believe. Instead of organized religion, I chose to believe in myself. I believed that we should be true to ourselves and get rid of the weak things in the world, including relationships with weak people. And although a lot of people might think Satanists worship "Satan", this was never even suggested. Instead I began to worship myself as a god. We were all gods and goddesses and should go our own way.

Finally, something to tell me I was worth something. Looking back I think a big part of my problem was that I didn't believe in the world, and that the world didn't believe in me. So I basically looked for things outside of the world to believe in, which is ironic because it was those outside things that started the nonbelief to begin with.

When casting spells, there are certain routines or gestures you have to go through. The books will teach you that you have to do these all in a certain order, but it doesn't really matter. The point isn't to adhere to a routine but to make your concious mind busy so your subconscious can do what it has to do. As I got better at my spells, I found I didn't even need to go through the gestures half the time. I was able to put my conscious mind to "sleep" and almost tap directly into my subconcious. I got bored with the spells that were in the books and began to write my own. They all had to do with protection or guidance, but of course, that's all witchcraft really is: just a way to find protection from the world and guidance when you want to get away from that world.

I feel really bad for myself when I think back to it all. There was a cow pasture and a forest behind our house that went on for miles, and I would sneak back there on the weekends and hide out in the woods by myself, writing down spells and feeling at one with nature. I was finally happy and I really thought I'd found the answer.

 

[Kol]

But of course there were still the bizarre things that went on in the house as well.

I dreamed one night that an alien was explaining to me why they had to abduct my sister Amanda. He was smiling as he did so, almost as if he couldn't believe the own rubbish he was spouting. In the dream I got brave and started to chase after him, but then he turned into a monster and I didn't know what to do. I kept hollering for help but no one would believe me.

One night I felt their presence and since it was during break, I got to sleep on the couch. At some point after falling asleep I woke up paralyzed. I panicked (and rightfully so) and struggled and struggled to get up. Finally I managed to do just that. I stood up, took about two steps forward, and turned back to the couch to see myself sleeping on it. The next memory I have is of morning.

Amanda was someone I knew. I knew her outside of being my sister, although I didn't know what that meant. Just her personality, her "feel" (like an aura), it was like someone else I had known a long time ago. But I had no clear idea of who or from when. I talked to my mother about this, and together we decided that she may have been with me in a former life. I didn't remember any past lives, but I had no doubt they existed, and so it wasn't too much of a stretch to believe this.

I had flashes of dreams sometimes in the middle of other dreams, and these bothered me a lot. The worst one took place inside of some building, and there were stars all around. There was a man standing behind me, and I turned around to see him. He looked to be in his early 20's, and he was thin and strong with black, black hair. His skin was pale white, almost glowing in some way, and it was beautiful because it was so gothic. His clothes were all black, and made of something like silk. They seemed "baggy" around his legs, like loose trousers as opposed to jeans. He wore two shirts, one of them open, and it blew back almost like a cape or a cloak. His clothes seemed to..bleed off of him like this, as if bits of them were blowing away in the wind, but they never did. His clothes had a feel to them. They were..just sheer power, as if it were a type of control. It made me think of the night. There was nothing evil or even good about them. It made me feel like a huge metal monster were going to come out of this pitch black night and get me. Something about this man made me think he liked to "judge" things. He wasn't a judge, but he looked at things and took them apart with his eyes.

And it's *embarrasing* to get so personal, but it's really part of the story, so...13 was the first time I ever masturbated. I think my mom had ran off to the store or something, lol. But.. even this couldn't be normal for me. As soon as I started..all hell broke loose. My mind wanted to shut down. It was as if..some part of my soul were in terror and wanted to escape. I remember being there, objectively wondering why I was so terrified. I could not imagine why that would be. But as soon as I started, I remembered having sex before. Which made no sense. But I remembered it plainly; I could tell the difference between actual sex and what I was doing, I could remember what it would feel like to have a woman's body against mine, I remembered the sights, the smells, every bit. Which was new information for me, but somehow wasn't. My subconcious was sending me all kinds of information..memories. But none of them made any sense. The only one that made any sense was an image of a beautiful, blonde-haired woman. She was small, not fully grown, but a little older than I was. She was afraid, and it was raining, and we were beneath some trees. She was extremely cute and just..unbelievable. And I remembered entering her body, the literal feel of it, and I remembered it raining, and I remembered her being afraid and not really knowing what was going on. And none of this made any sense to me. The woman wasn't anyone I knew. It wasn't my sister or anyone.

But I had seen her before. When I had been nine, I had dreamed all the time about being taught in classrooms, and there had sometimes been a girl there learning with me. She was the one who was helping me find some kind of orb I had lost. *This* was her.

I figured she must have been my wife in a past life. That was the only explanation I could give.

Bizarre. But some part of me..as if my spiritual half, were truly, truly afraid. This I couldn't explain. I just didn't understand it.

 

[Kol]

By the time I was 14, the weird dreams had already started.

In one of them, I saw a plain with small brushes. The place was more like a desert than than anything, but the ground wasn't sand, but a kind of packed dirt with sparse grasses and spotted heavily with shrubs. I wasn't in the dream, just watching it happen. There were two giants in the dream. They were different sizes. The smaller one was maybe 9 to 12 feet tall or so. The bigger one was much bigger, closer to 20 to 30 feet tall. The dream had a very old feel to it, as if it belonged to something that didn't exist anymore.

The small giant wandered around with a club in his hands. In the dream, he was very violent and the only thing I could sense from him was hatred and brutality. He felt like a storm, as if there wasn't even a shape to it all. (I know that doesn't make sense, its so hard to explain these feelings!) He hated God, and he cursed Him, and that's all he wanted to do: to destroy things and to hate God.

The bigger giant wandered around and from him I sensed an overwhelming sadness. He was not insanely violent like the first one and his mind was still..intact. This sadness he had..it was a crushing feeling. It was so strong, it contorted who he was. He had been a king at one time, a *long* time ago..he had been an angel, I guessed, or something very much like it. Somehow whatever he had been king over had been destroyed, and he had become this thing, been born as it. He didn't hate God, but he felt his time was over and he wanted to go out with this, one last "party", one last time to be something. And so he had become this monster, ruling over this wilderness on earth. He stayed away from everyone and everything and unlike the first giant, didn't destroy people or things but just wanted to be alone so he could live and die one last time. He would become like a god after he died, never evil or violent but never again something of God.

The smaller giant was afraid of the second one, and the second felt a bitter hatred for his smaller "cousin". This second, bigger giant had a great reverence for God. He prayed to Him, but..things were over. It felt like..

Try to imagine a magnificent empire, something to almost defy explanation. Imagine there had once been a man, a confidant, an ally, a close advisor and a friend of the emperor. He had ruled his own world under this emperor's power. Somehow though, that empire had fallen. It was unimaginable, but somehow it had all ended. Since this was so unthinkable, and since that empire had once been so great, this man had lost his faith. His heart was broken, to the point that it could never hold anything again. This man had lost everything he believed in and worse, he had lost the faith to ever gain it back. He loved to think back to how things had been, and he loved to dream about those days, but it was beyond him to ever believe in such a thing again.

This was the second giant. He had given up all hope..hope wasn't even something to be grasped for him, it was so beyond him now. So he had become this monster and came to tread out the rest of his life alone with his memories.

It was inexpressibly sad and didn't even seem like something I should have been allowed to see or know of. I didn't feel God's presence in my dream, but..it was somehow tied to Him. I felt like I had been thrust into another family's funeral. As if it were something too sacred for someone not involved to know about. I felt embarrassed and....just horrible.

But this was just one of the many dreams I was having.

 

[Kol]

In another one of these dreams, I was hiding in a house, and I was waiting to kill people.

The house wasn't what I recognized as a house. It was more like a barn. There was a ground floor, and a type of "loft", with a long ladder which leaned upstairs to it. There were two other rooms to it all, and a huge yard, with some kind of wheat or crop, but the place was not a farm. There was a family which lived here, and I knew them. I had lived nearby. I was insanely happy and filled with absolute glee, because I was going to kill, to murder them all. Killing felt so good to me..it was like pure wine, or a kind of liquid glory. It was what I was born to do, it was my destiny, my calling. It was what I was.

I was hiding behind some kind of a beam or support in this loft, which was somehow a room. (???) There was straw all over, and a bird had made its nest nearby. I could hear the bird chirping and see the sunlight coming from between the slats of the roof. This was where the girl slept, and I was going to kill her first. I had a knife in my hand..it was a dagger, double-bladed, about as long as your fingers might be. It had been hard for me to decide what I was going to use first, what I was going to make the first hit with. I didn't want to kill the girl too fast, because I wanted..

..Uh, this is sick, even thinking back on it all these years later. The man in the dream wanted to see this girl suffer, to watch her and not kill her too fast. He wanted for her to know she was dying and to watch her reaction as she slowly did so.

At this point in my dream, as these thoughts went through my mind, I began to rebel against these emotions and desires, and it began to stir my mind awake. I began to argue with myself that I didn't *want* this to happen. I then felt a voice in my mind, like someone that was there with me, pulling me on, telling me it would be fun, that killing would be great. The more I argued, the more I would stir awake, but this killer wouldn't give up. 'Just the girl,' he said to me, 'it would be so sweet!' I argued and argued, but it changed nothing.

I could feel the girl coming home, sense her approaching, and I went into a frenzy. But I could not escape. I screamed and tried to "push" myself awake (???) but nothing happened. I then realized completely that I was asleep and that I was having a nightmare. But I couldn't wake up. I tried to change what happened in the dream, but I couldn't make the man in the dream move. If it was my body, it was not under my control.

The girl came into the "house" and called out. This man had been like a boyfriend to her.

Things were so different from the way they are today (??? was this in the past!? it feels like it..). The girl was so young and naive. This man, her "boyfriend" was not someone she should have known or even would have normally "liked". But her likes hadn't even been formed yet! The entire concept was so new to her....she was looking to see what love and what guys were like, and so she had let him court her. I felt so bad for this poor, poor girl.

At some point she crawled up the stairs and he attacked her.

I was beyond panic, beyond anything like it. Inside of this nightmare, I was screaming and screaming, trying to wake up. I was having to watch this man slice and slice on this poor girl, over and over. He was cutting her and asking her if she could see the blood, just on and on. I can't even believe how horrible this all was, even thinking back on it. I was having to watch a murder right in front of me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

He murdered the girl and for a moment just lay on her body, watching it. The thought then went through his mind to get her father next. Again, I tried *desperately* to wake up but couldn't. I could scream and I felt like I was flailing somehow, but I couldn't do anything more.

This man continued on, killing the girl's father, and several others, surprising them all. The area looked as if it had once been farmland, but that no one farmed anymore. People were killed outside and inside their houses, until finally, someone shot the man, this killer, and the dream ended.

....and I would have dreams like this and couldn't do anything about them.

 

[Kol]

Other dreams came as well, but these were completely different.

I was in space, and there were stars all around. They were far away, and there was no sun nearby that I could see. This place had been chosen and made sacred, because the background of the stars felt like a cloak or a cape, and since it would always be "nighttime", it would always have a certain majesty to it.

There were platforms, and they were made out of some kind of crystal, and you could almost see through them. The platforms weren't connected. They ranged in size from maybe 10 to 12 feet to as large as a house. But you could (???) from one platform to the other of course, so it wasn't a problem to go wherever you needed to go.

(Could you walk? Could you jump? The dream didn't make sense to me.)

There weren't any buildings but one, and that was the temple. It didn't have an inside to it. It was like a ramp, or a triangle, but somehow this isn't right. It was golden, and very beautiful, but beyond that, something about it filled me with a kind of inexpressible joy and wonder, and awe at something I could not grasp.

There were "stone walls" made out of the same golden material. People would come to stand on these walls and worship at the temple. The priests and the kings would take certain rites and follow certain ceremonies, and they would be able to walk up the triangle and worship there. But even the kings had to follow the directions of the priests, and as you worshipped you were always *very* careful to do things the right way. If you weren't as fortunate, you had to worship a short distance away, and so people would come to stand and kneel on the stone walls and do just this. The walls were huge, each block at least 6 feet or so in size. There were no steps anywhere, but you could (???) from one block to the next, and that was the only way to move around.

I appeared in the center platform and made my way to the bottom of the triangle, to wait for the priest to acknowledge me. I had to wait patiently and humbly, and I did so because it was only right. He came to me and led me up, making sure I did things the right way. Eventually I got to the near-top of the triangle (the very top was only for a certain priest) and I knelt down and began to worship God. He in fact was God, and He was Almighty, and He very much deserved to be worshipped. And I did so.

And the stars and the platforms were absolutely beautiful, and it was incredible to worship God, because it put me in touch with Him, with a power and a truth beyond all my understanding and existence.

...

 

[Kol]

These things on the mind of a 14-year old, they shook me up quite a bit. One week during summer vacation then, my family went camping and I asked to stay behind. For whatever reason, my mom let me stay and watch the house while the rest went to Lake Tanner to swim and fish and go hiking. My mom called during the day, figuring I would sleep most of the time and play video games the rest.

Something was wrong with me, or so I decided. As much as I wanted to believe in fate and destiny, and that spirit guides were leading me in my life, part of me knew that none of it should be so real; normal people never experienced those things actually happening.

At school everyone had started dating and going to dances and parties. The girls were making themselves cute and attractive, and the guys were taking gym and wrestling on the football field. My grandparents had moved to nearby Villa Rica, and I could hear the cheers of the football games from across the street. The Wildcats had won nearly every game last year, and I remember seeing Seth and Nathan walking around school on Spirit Day and I remember Alisha leaning over to kiss him for good luck.

I was anything *but* good dating material. My arms and legs had grown way too fast for the rest of me, my voice alternated between being really deep and not working at all, and to top it off, I had no common grounds on which to discuss things.

In the daytime I went through school alone, and at night I came home to fight off dreams of giants and demons, and to see in awe other dreams of temples in the sky. All I cared about was religion, God. The only other ones who were religious at all were Christians, but they only went to church on Sunday and I didn't want to talk to any of them because I felt they would only do so out of pity or sympathy, not a common interest to relate.

I made up a spell one night that would invite my mind to relax and show me the truth of what was happening. Was I being tested? Was this what would happen to people as the new Age came? I wondered if it was destiny that I be so different, because I remembered Jesus saying something about the world not accepting those who came from the other world.

Alone in the house one night, I set up my candles, took out my dagger, and began to pray to the different elemental gods. I burned incense and made offers of little bits of things, saving the biggest offer for the spirit god. I finished the spell, closed the circle, and sat down on the floor.

I stripped nude and sat in front of my broken mirror, studying my eyes and wondering what was wrong with me.

The answer came to me, the very first thing I thought of, but it was so bizarre that I didn't think it was possible. I really didn't even know what it meant. From everything I knew about religion, it *wasn't* possible. I let it slip from my mind. The next thought was that I wasn't really a person, I was an alien, and that I had a secret mission I had to accomplish. I thought this somewhat explained how I felt, why I was so distanced from everyone and everything. The next theory to occur to me was that I was possessed and that I wasn't evil, but that something within me was. But as far as I knew about possession, this wasn't the case. I felt fine and certainly didn't need a Catholic priest to exorcise me.

And so, although I had found my spiritual bliss with nature and my spells in the woods, something was still very different, and not all of what I saw was good.

 

[Kol]

Ha, ha, if this isn't the most bizarre story you've ever heard, I want to know about it. But the truth is, there are a lot of people out there who are on the same path I was on, and most of those people will never get the chances I got. All of these things are a real problem, they affect people who are in the real world, and they are *very* difficult to break out of.

I had been raised listening to country music, but I started listening to metal and what was then considered gothic. Lots of songs about suicide and death and nature in general. I reasserted my belief that other people didn't matter to me (since I didn't matter to them), and aimed to see how far I could distance myself from them all, school included. Since I considered myself a god (as I did all people), nothing anyone else did bothered me, because I was immortal and was focused on my own soul and karma.

My mother started drinking again, my stepdad with her. She was running a welfare scam, taking in tons of money and wasting it all in the process. Unbeknownst to me, she was also getting child support from my father; she used it to buy a big screen television. My stepdad was making truck runs while drinking, and on the weekends he would come home to fight with my mother. The violence between them escalated more and more every week.

Sometimes my brother and I would lie in bed at night and knock on the walls. Our drunk parents would think people were knocking at the front door, and our stepdad would go out to holler at the kids playing pranks on him. I guess the neighbors probably had a good laugh at seeing him pop out every once in a while and scream at children who weren't there.

At some point my stepdad started beating on my mother. They would fight with each other until he finally had enough, then would run over to her and start hitting on her. They would fight in the bedroom, and he would drag her out along the floor, pulling her by her hair to the living room to beat her even more. He once beat her over the head with a meat tenderizer, and she had bruises and bumps all over her for a long time after.

I remember one time in particular, he was standing in the kitchen and my mother in the living room. They screamed at each other for a minute, then he started to come over to her, furious. I ran over to stand in front of him, not trying to challenge him but block him. He could have easily knocked me out of the way. Amanda (who was 3 at this time) ran over to stand protectively in front of our mother, wanting her daddy to hit her instead of her mother.

That incident in particular made me almost remember where I'd seen my sister from. It was as if the situation was so similar..somehow me going for her father and Amanda trying to stand over our mom. Trying to remember was like letting your mind go completely blank. There was a memory there, and you waited for it to come to you, but it never would. I tried to remember if we'd ever broken up a fight like this before, but we hadn't. I tried to remember if I'd done the same with Sara, when I was younger, but it had never happened. Sara's dad never abused my mother, as far as I knew. So there was a similarity but I couldn't place it. I figured it was either a past-life memory, or a dream.

...

 

[Kol]

I had thought to post some links to different new age sites to show I was not alone in my insanity, but there are so many, and so much of its so much NONSENSE.

Instead let me ask, is anybody still able to follow any of this, lol?

 

[Chocolatesa]

By the time I was 14, the weird dreams had already started.

In one of them, I saw a plain with small brushes. The place was more like a desert than than anything, but the ground wasn't sand, but a kind of packed dirt with sparse grasses and spotted heavily with shrubs. I wasn't in the dream, just watching it happen. There were two giants in the dream. They were different sizes. The smaller one was maybe 9 to 12 feet tall or so. The bigger one was much bigger, closer to 20 to 30 feet tall. The dream had a very old feel to it, as if it belonged to something that didn't exist anymore.

The small giant wandered around with a club in his hands. In the dream, he was very violent and the only thing I could sense from him was hatred and brutality. He felt like a storm, as if there wasn't even a shape to it all. (I know that doesn't make sense, its so hard to explain these feelings!) He hated God, and he cursed Him, and that's all he wanted to do: to destroy things and to hate God.

The bigger giant wandered around and from him I sensed an overwhelming sadness. He was not insanely violent like the first one and his mind was still..intact. This sadness he had..it was a crushing feeling. It was so strong, it contorted who he was. He had been a king at one time, a *long* time ago..he had been an angel, I guessed, or something very much like it. Somehow whatever he had been king over had been destroyed, and he had become this thing, been born as it. He didn't hate God, but he felt his time was over and he wanted to go out with this, one last "party", one last time to be something. And so he had become this monster, ruling over this wilderness on earth. He stayed away from everyone and everything and unlike the first giant, didn't destroy people or things but just wanted to be alone so he could live and die one last time. He would become like a god after he died, never evil or violent but never again something of God.

The smaller giant was afraid of the second one, and the second felt a bitter hatred for his smaller "cousin". This second, bigger giant had a great reverence for God. He prayed to Him, but..things were over. It felt like..

Try to imagine a magnificent empire, something to almost defy explanation. Imagine there had once been a man, a confidant, an ally, a close advisor and a friend of the emperor. He had ruled his own world under this emperor's power. Somehow though, that empire had fallen. It was unimaginable, but somehow it had all ended. Since this was so unthinkable, and since that empire had once been so great, this man had lost his faith. His heart was broken, to the point that it could never hold anything again. This man had lost everything he believed in and worse, he had lost the faith to ever gain it back. He loved to think back to how things had been, and he loved to dream about those days, but it was beyond him to ever believe in such a thing again.

This was the second giant. He had given up all hope..hope wasn't even something to be grasped for him, it was so beyond him now. So he had become this monster and came to tread out the rest of his life alone with his memories.

It was inexpressibly sad and didn't even seem like something I should have been allowed to see or know of. I didn't feel God's presence in my dream, but..it was somehow tied to Him. I felt like I had been thrust into another family's funeral. As if it were something too sacred for someone not involved to know about. I felt embarrassed and....just horrible.

But this was just one of the many dreams I was having.

The larger giant makes me think of the devil, how he got kicked out of heaven.

 

[Chocolatesa]

I had thought to post some links to different new age sites to show I was not alone in my insanity, but there are so many, and so much of its so much NONSENSE.

Instead let me ask, is anybody still able to follow any of this, lol?

yeah, I'm not lost yet

 

[Kol]

By the time I turned 15, I had made new friends at school. One of these was Jason, whose life is nearly as weird as my own..another story for another time, but this guy does come into things later on, and this was when we first became friends.

Jason and I are somehow connected, I feel, but even now I don't know exactly how. It's so easy to start imagining things, and I don't want to do that, so all I can say is we're connected, and that I'm not sure exactly how.

Jason got me out of my depressed music and got me listening to things like Black Sabbath, Metallica, and Nirvana. He laughed at my ideas of being a god and made fun of some of the books I'd started to read. Looking back, he was a big influence on me, because he kinda dragged me out of the way I was living, even as a kid, and back onto this side of reality.

I asked him once if he wanted to try one of the spells I routinely did, but he refused because he'd already tried those things before and they had scared him. He'd heard a knock outside of his bedroom door one night and felt a presence, and that had been enough to stop him from ever doing anything more.

I know this all seems unrelated now, but in the grand scheme of things it all ties in together. There were so many subtle things that kept bothering me, kept picking at me. It was like no matter how much I got used to life and started to live normally, some memory would come back, some tie to a "past-life" that would reassure me things were not normal.

So I started hanging out with my new friends, kids with rotten parents, who alternated between parenting and either drinking or smoking pot. And we all did basically the same, tho I myself never drank or smoked anything. One of my friends we called bird, (yeah, he looked like a bird) and a lot of nights we all hung out at his place, people smoking or getting drunk, all of us playing dungeons and dragons or watching anime, which was new back then. We'd have to blast his crappy stereo because his sister was always having sex in the next bedroom, and we'd always have to watch out, because there were cockroaches everywhere.

So my life was changing, but not the way it should have.