Just some things...

[Kol]

The next OBE was shortly after, and took place alongside my first baby memory. Same as the first, I didn't remember much of it at the time, but it seemed to still be in my mind, hidden in my subconcious. Below the water kind of, and all I could see was the tip of the iceberg, as they say.

I remembered being a baby and sitting in one of those wind-up baby swings. The swing had started to slow down, and I was mad because I thought my momma should have made sure it was always going. I had a problem holding a constant thought though. I was easily distracted and if some need or stimuli hit me, it would push other things out of my head. So somehow I forgot the swing rocking and started to try to move my right arm. I wanted to wave it and move it in a certain way, and there was a reason to this, but I can't remember what it was. I was mad that I couldn't, and here my perception was as if I were in OBE, but I was still in a baby body. All I could do was to raise and slam my arms down together, and this infuriated me. And I remember thinking that it was because I was cursed and that everyone would come and laugh at me. I remember welcoming it and thinking it was just for God to do this.

Out of nowhere then, the bhm's presence appeared, and I heard him think in my mind to me, that this was just because I was a baby and that the physical body hadn't developed the ability to control or correctly govern itself yet. Not that I didn't have or understand control, but that it wasn't developed yet. He told me that in time it would get better, but that the physical body never developed complete control (or something like this).

I didn't like this answer, and my mind switched back to that of a baby. I started to cry. I remember my mom raising up off the couch, and coming to wind my swing, which made me stop crying. (Oh, I remember my momma with brown hair!) I became sleepy because I had cried, and I fell asleep.

Shortly after, I "turned inward" and disappeared. It felt like I imploded. And I zipped through that black void place and was heading to a place like the inner courtyard.

The next thing I remembered was coming to (my senses) in a similar place, with the crystal floor and misty walls, though this place only had one wall; the rest was open to the void. I was "my real self" and not a baby. As a kid though, I didn't remember what that body felt or looked like, just that it was my real self. I was kneeling down, with my knee on the floor and my hand on my forehead. The bhm stood a short distance (maybe 10 feet or so) away. I didn't notice him at first. He began to walk towards me and asked, "are you okay?" I remember shaking my head and grunting. He asked, "Do you know where you are? Do you remember who you are?" A second passed, and without thinking of where I was or who I was, I stood up and said, "yeah, I know."

If I had, in that moment, brought to mind where or who I was, I might have remembered it as a kid. But I didn't.

After this, we had a conversation. I remembered very little of it as a child, only a few things. The bhm told me I would have a chance to help set things right again, but that God would allow me to rebel if I chose to. I remember him calling me by my name (but I don't know what it was!), and crying. Then he told me I would see him less and less.

I remembered being in complete and utter agony, but beyond that, nothing.

..

Comments.

 

[Chocolatesa]

Wow. That really sounds like he knew what was going to go on in your life and talked to you about it, warned you. Understandable that you would be in agony. The memories of when you were a baby are really interesting. Personally I have none of my own.
I think that the whole thing about you seeing past this world into the spiritual world may be caused because you trained yourself to do so when you were into the occult, and can't exactly un-train yourself. Unless you felt that way even before you were into the occult. I remember thinking to myself that if only I could keep the spiritual world in mind, the reality of things, that it would be easier to live my life the way I should, and prayed that I'd be able to do so. I don't know if that's related to me noticing my cat watching things lately or not. I don't remember if I exactly asked to literally see the spiritual side of things or not, I don't think so cause I don't think I could handle that, or would exactly want to either. This reminds me of when I was younger, my family was going through a lot, and my parents were really into religious things at the time, saying the rosary together every night, my dad would bless us all with holy water every night as well, etc. Around that time I remember feeling something on my forehead at times. It didn't seem scary or anything, didn't feel wrong, just neutral. I wondered what it was. Don't have that often any more though.

 

[Chocolatesa]

It sounds more and more like this bhm guy is your guardian angel... I don't remember everything you said about him at the beginning of your whole story here though so I could be misinterpreting things.

 

[Kol]

Thank you. I wasn't in agony over what was going to happen, but over what had already happened (which as a baby I didn't remember). And I think what you said about "training myself" is right. I can't untrain myself. I'm not sure exactly what part the spiritism had to do with it all. I'm really undecided about that.

I'm not sure if he's a guardian angel in the normal sense of things. He certainly seemed to save my life when I was in carrollton, but that was a definite exception. But anyway, as a baby, he never seemed to guard me, just to explain to me what my choices were going to be. More of a neutral observer, in a way.

Thank you for the input.

 

[Kol]

The next memory I have of the bhm is a dream I had when I was living at my granddad's house. I must have been about five.

In the dream, I was a little boy and thought like a little boy. It really seemed like a dream to me. I didn't remember any OBEs or pre-ex memories; I just didn't ever bring them to mind. The bhm was nearby but didn't treat me like a kid. He didn't baby-talk me or anything, that is. My granddad was also there, and he looked just like he did on earth.

The bhm looked down to me and said something like, 'I guess you're gonna give him as much trouble as you give me', meaning my granddad. He spoke as if I should have been an adult. My granddad said something like, 'ah, well, we're going to see if we can't work on that, aren't we?'.

The dream took place in some non-descript room and at this point the two leave me to discuss my life in an adjoining room. After a short while, they bring me in. Inside of the room are TV guides, of all things. They're set up like VHS movies in a movie store.

The bhm looks at me and asks, "do you understand what you're seeing?" Just a little boy, I shook my head 'no'. My granddad said, "you know when your granddaddy reads the paper it tells him what he's going to see, right?"

One of them tells me then that I'm going to be shown what will happen and that they are going to try to get me 'in' as if in on some kind of information.

And that's it, that's all I remember. Pretty silly.

 

[Kol]

The next experience with any of this came when I was seven, and it was the last thing for a long, long time.

When I was seven years old, I "felt" the bhm in church. I didn't see, hear, or notice anything physically. My mind though, was telling me that there was someone in the aisle. At the time I figured it must be Jesus. But the persona is the bhm. He was kneeling down and worshipping God.

Sometime also when I was seven, I heard a thought in my mind. The baby OBEs were brought to my mind and the bhm asked if I remembered them. I thought back to him that they were all made up and that this was my life now. He seemed let down and said that because of this, I would forget some things. (Which I don't remember.)

And that was it. Inside the church, he was different than in my dreams, and at that time I didn't remember ever leaving my body or ever meeting with this guy before. He seemed very big. He took up most of the space between the two aisles, and even though he was kneeling down, he reached at least half-way to the church ceiling (which are very high, you know?). He must have been 4 or 5 times the size of a normal person. And I could feel a very strong presence and strong impressions: something very holy, very authoritative, something that defends, something that is next to you and personally yours, something that is your personal stock, something that is true, something that upholds or defends (again with the 'defend' thought), something that is the way it should be. It's so hard to put it into words, and to not get it all mixed up with later impressions. But this is what I remember about that time.

...

 

[Chocolatesa]

Thank you. I wasn't in agony over what was going to happen, but over what had already happened (which as a baby I didn't remember). And I think what you said about "training myself" is right. I can't untrain myself. I'm not sure exactly what part the spiritism had to do with it all. I'm really undecided about that.

I'm not sure if he's a guardian angel in the normal sense of things. He certainly seemed to save my life when I was in carrollton, but that was a definite exception. But anyway, as a baby, he never seemed to guard me, just to explain to me what my choices were going to be. More of a neutral observer, in a way.

Thank you for the input.

I think he was explaining about what had happened because in the spiritual sense of things, time doesn't exist, so what went on in your life had already happend, he could probably see that.

 

[Chocolatesa]

The next experience with any of this came when I was seven, and it was the last thing for a long, long time.

When I was seven years old, I "felt" the bhm in church. I didn't see, hear, or notice anything physically. My mind though, was telling me that there was someone in the aisle. At the time I figured it must be Jesus. But the persona is the bhm. He was kneeling down and worshipping God.

Sometime also when I was seven, I heard a thought in my mind. The baby OBEs were brought to my mind and the bhm asked if I remembered them. I thought back to him that they were all made up and that this was my life now. He seemed let down and said that because of this, I would forget some things. (Which I don't remember.)

And that was it. Inside the church, he was different than in my dreams, and at that time I didn't remember ever leaving my body or ever meeting with this guy before. He seemed very big. He took up most of the space between the two aisles, and even though he was kneeling down, he reached at least half-way to the church ceiling (which are very high, you know?). He must have been 4 or 5 times the size of a normal person. And I could feel a very strong presence and strong impressions: something very holy, very authoritative, something that defends, something that is next to you and personally yours, something that is your personal stock, something that is true, something that upholds or defends (again with the 'defend' thought), something that is the way it should be. It's so hard to put it into words, and to not get it all mixed up with later impressions. But this is what I remember about that time.

...

Ok this is definitely sounding like an angel, or something good, to me. Wow.

 

[Chocolatesa]

The bhm told me I would have a chance to help set things right again,

This would seem to be what you're doing in your life at the moment.

 

[Kol]

Setting things right again. All I want to do is to tell what the Lord has done for me, whether it is believed or not.

I don't think the bhm is an just an angel. Not by my definition of the word. I mean, he is; he's some kind of heavenly being, who is not, never has been been, and probably never will be, human. But there is no sense of evil from this. With the Christian guide (Arkansas), there was. That spirit refused to be born, and that finalized him into something that wasn't right. The bhm seems excempt from having to be born, while it seems most everyone else has to be. But I'll try to get to all this.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, because I want to let anyone reading this mess make up their minds in the same order that I did.

So, forget everything. After I was seven or so, that's exactly what I did. Nothing about angels or heaven, no memories of a black void or of some hidden city, or of anything else. I was just some seven year old kid who was into transformers and who liked to play outside. It was about this time that things changed.

 

[Kol]

So. The occult.

When I was five, I lived with my momma at my granddad's house. She had shot my father, and had been sentenced, but was allowed to stay out because she was pregnant with my half-brother Michael. One night she was watching Superman II on a tiny VHF/UHF TV (clunk, clunk, clunk), and I was running around the room, pretending to fly.

At some point, I heard a voice speak to me. What it said becomes extremely important later on.

The voice seemed to be smiling or grinning:

"Do you remember me?"

Great God, those words chill me. Please follow this story, everyone.

'no', I thought.

It seemed to laugh.

"I'm God," it said.

'No you're not!'

"I am." It seemed serious.

I said and thought nothing.

"I'll talk to you again, later," it said, and seemed to 'disappear'.

I told my mother that God had just spoken to me, and she told me, 'baby, God doesn't talk to people anymore'. And that was it for her.

 

[Kol]

The next thing I remember are aliens.

I already told the story about my uncle being "abducted." There's no reason to repeat it. It's under a "UFOs and Aliens" thread of mine a dozen pages back or so. Long story short, as a 5 year old I saw my family get stopped by what seemed to be some very strange-looking people. I never thought of them as "aliens", I thought they were humans.

I had a few other things happen as a 5 year old as well, times when I saw these strange people and was taken to a hospital to be "worked on." I'd say a half dozen times or so. They would come for me when I was in my bed and I'd have to go with them. I don't remember much description. I remember the operations, and I remember being afraid.

It doesn't matter whether you believe in aliens. The point was, I did, and I was scared.

By the time I was seven, I didn't remember any of this alien stuff, but I was still terrified of the nighttime. I was afraid that angels were going to come in the night and get me. But I didn't remember anything at all.

So I grew up very afraid of the night.

 

[Kol]

My mom remarried and since she was sober (she served two years for attempted), I moved back in with her. Since she told me aliens didn't exist, I believed her. But I was always afraid, and since it couldn't be aliens (remember, there are no such things), I didn't know what I was afraid of. I knew it might be angels tho, and this confused me, because I thought angels were supposed to be good.

My family lived in a tiny town called Griffin, and I shared a bedroom with my brother. I remember thinking that grasshoppers were after me, and when I heard them at night they terrified me. So I told myself if I could fall asleep before they started chirping outside, nothing bad would happen and they wouldn't come for me.

I would lay awake at night with every stuffed animal I had surrounding me in bed. There must have been close to 30 of them. My mother would tuck me in, then set them on the bed for me. I couldn't do this myself, because there were so many, I would accidently push them off. There were bears and elephants, a monkey, a ziggy doll, and..just on and on. My stepdad was worried I was turning into a sissy, but my mom took up for me. She lied and said I was afraid of my real dad coming after me. If she'd said I was afraid of grasshoppers I would probably have been spanked.

My brother was worse off than me. He had nightmares on a regular basis. More than just bad dreams, they were night terrors.

After my mom sent us to sleep and turned off the light, I would lay wide-eyed awake and watch the clock while music played on the radio. We were only allowed to listen to light jazz: Peach 94.9 FM. Bedtime was 7pm. I would lay awake and listen to my parents watch television until sometime after 10, then my mom would take a bath, and I remember laying in bed and hearing the water drain through the pipes in the walls. I would watch the clock until about 12. By then most nights, I had fallen asleep.

At random times, my brother would sit straight up in bed and start screaming at the top of his lungs. He wasn't awake-in a night terror you're not awake or asleep, but somewhere in between. My mom would rush into the room and try to hold him, but nothing would help. He couldn't see or feel her; he would just scream for 5, 10, 15 minutes, only pausing to breath. When he woke up he sometimes wouldn't be able to remember who anyone was, or who he was, or where he was at.

I seem to have a little of this myself, but it didn't bother me until I got to be a teenager later on.

I started doing terrible in school, and the teachers were worried because I had deep circles under my eyes. I didn't eat anything, and some of my elementary school teachers and lunchladies made sure I ate at least a few things on my lunch tray.

But as far as the normal day-to-day things were going, life was fine. My stepdad was a park ranger for the Georgia forestry service. He took us to the park to fly planes and go hiking. My mother wasn't drinking. We all had plenty of money for food and clothes. We visited my grandparents on the weekends, I saw neither hide nor hair of my dad, and overall things were going great.

 

[Kol]

I was afraid of angels coming to do operations on me, and one day I told my brother. He said he always dreamed that doctors were trying to cut him open and put things in his stomach. I knew the same monsters were after him, and so I decided I had to do something. I begged my momma to buy us a pair of walkie-talkies and later on, some toy guns. I would teach my brother to go on training missions where we had to spy out the enemy and try to escape with secret knowledge that would let us destroy them.

Sometime around this time, I remember having weird dreams about angels. There were a bunch of them, maybe a dozen or so, and they were all standing in some kind of dark place and the floor was blue. The dream scared me, because nothing made any sense. The angels moved weird. Sometimes they would move really fast, and then they would move in slow-motion at the same time. The dream seemed disjointed and incoherent. There was a blonde angel, and he cried on me and called me something, and said I was cursed. In the dream I cried and cried and cried, and said I wanted to be "strong" again, and the angel said I couldn't, because God had cursed me.

My mom told me it was just a dream, so I tried to just forget it.

 

[Kol]

The last dream that I remember having around this time was that I was in a castle.

I didn't know what a castle was yet (it would still be 4 years until I first played Dragon Warrior on nintendo), so I thought the dream was about a cellar. The only cellar I knew was the one beneath my granddaddy's patio, so I figured the dream must be about that place.

In the dream, everyone had turned the cellar into a fort, because monsters were coming and it was the end of the world. The monsters looked like dogs, but they were all black and mean. There was a woman, and a man, and a lot of other people, and they were all my friends. I remember walking around and talking to a bunch of people and going flying sometimes to see if anyone was coming after us. In the dream, something was wrong with my voice. It felt like I had rocks in my throat. The woman had blonde hair, and I was in love with her.

...

 

[Kol]

By the time I turned 8, my mother had started drinking again and divorced/remarried. This is when I met my friend Sara; she was my step-sis for about a year. Her own father was alcoholic as well, and Sara, together with her brother Glenn, was abused. With our parents drinking and with no one else as a friend, I listened to Sara tell me all about God. Sara's mom was a fairly good influence on her, I guess. Mormons from Salt Lake City, they'd moved to Georgia but kept their faith.

About a year later though, Sara was gone and my mom was drinking vodka straight in a new apartment in Newnan, Ga. I wondered why God had saved Sara but not me. My mom divorced and married again. The first memory I have about my new step-dad was my mom staggering off the couch where the two were laying, and slurring to me, "boys, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

I was not a healthy or happy person. I could never sleep, afraid of aliens, angels, and ghosts. I was severely underweight, and I had dark red circles under my eyes all the time, which kids at school stared at me for. I was pretty small for my age-most of the other fourth graders thought I was in the second. I was incredibly shy. Most times I either whispered an answer or answered with body language and on good days I didn't have to talk to anyone. It was hard for me to make new friends, because on top of everything else it was my first year at a new school..it was *always* my first year at a new school.

Once, two very pretty girls from school invited me to their house to play. When I got there, they rode around on their bikes and took turns spitting water out on me. I tried instead to play with the younger kids, which worked out a little better but still wasn't the same as having friends my own age.

One night I almost burned the house down. The lights had been cut off and I was trying to light a candle to see by in the living room. I couldn't sleep in my room because there was a ghost across the way in my mom's room. My mother never slept in her room-she just went up there to have sex and get more alcohol. If she fell asleep on the couch drunk, I was in luck, because then she wouldn't make me lay down in my own bed, and I wouldn't have to see the ghosts. So I hoped each night she would just drink herself into oblivion. Trying to light a candle that night, I dropped the match and the carpet burned, but I put it out before it spread.

On the nights I did have to sleep in my room, I would lay awake and watch the ghost form through my mother's doorway. It was a type of vapor or mist, but very thick-you couldn't see through it. I'm not sure about the color. It seemed pale blue and white at the same time. It didn't have a human shape, but was more like a blob, vaguely man-like in shape. It was maybe 5 or 6 feet tall, and never touched the floor, but floated about a foot off the ground instead. All night it would fade in and out in the air, seeming to turn in on itself and then glow, coming back out. It never did anything else, but most nights was there.

As I fell asleep at night (sometimes), I could hear people talking, maybe a dozen or so at once, though I could never understand what they were saying. They all seemed to be men; they talked in a low voice, and almost seemed to be mumbling.

My brother's night terrors got a little better, though he still said that giant spiders were after him. Sometimes he would just sit up in the bed and cry, stuck in between being asleep and awake. I would call to him or shake him though, and he'd be okay, so it wasn't nearly as bad as before.

Our mom would cook, but I wouldn't let my brother or myself eat any meat my momma cooked, because it was never done. Most of the other things were okay though, potatoes, beans, anything that doesn't really need to be warmed up. At night I would sneak down into the kitchen and try to take some food back to my brother and me.

I started to think to myself that I could feel a type of "wind" around me. It had a lot to do with feelings, or the mood of a place in general. If people were laughing or playing, it seemed..like a wind current made of water, and it would flow and be soft. It seemed to be moving a lot inside of itself, as if the inner threads were moving faster than the outer ones. If things were tense, or my mom was drunk and fussing, it felt "hot", like it was bouncing back and forth inside itself a lot. On most nights, it was empty and felt like really thin curtains left blowing in the wind. On nights I got scared, or when I thought aliens or angels were coming for me, it was black. I began to be able to tell what kind of night I would have because little bits of this "wind" would be different. But otherwise it was all stuff I could tell just by looking around.

My mom told me I was imagining it all. Since I was afraid to go upstairs to the bedrooms because of aliens, she made me go up the stairs by myself at least once each day, and I had to play outside at least an hour every day.

 

[Kol]

Since my mother couldn't stop drinking, my granddad came to pick us two boys up and take us to his house to live. He was already raising two of my cousins, Jennifer and Brittany. So all six of us lived together in a two-story house in a place called Mableton.

5207 White Blvd SW
Mableton, GA 30126

I see from the google map that most of the backyard is dirt now.

While I lived at my grandparents', things changed for the better. My granddad would scout out trips for us to go on, whether it was visiting an uncle in the army, Texas to see the Alamo, or NC to see the naval yards. So we would go places and do things together. At night my grandmother would rub my back to get me to fall asleep, or my granddad would rent us boys a movie to watch.

The aliens seemed to have stopped for a while, but the ghosts at night did not. There was a paper white birch outside our bedroom window, and at night I would think that a ghost would come in from that tree and mumble next to my bed. The ghost was smaller than a normal man. I don't know if it was a boy or not. I slept on the top bunk, my brother on the bottom, and this thing would come to somehow kneel or squat beside my bed (in the air, mind you) and mumble next to me. I never had any idea what it was saying, if it was speaking english or not. Its words were very forceful, almost as if it were whispering as loudly as it could. (I hope this makes sense) It would mumble nonsense in long strings to me all night until about 1 or 2 am. I can remember listening to Hank Williams play on the radio program (Kicks 101.5 FM) and hear this white ghost mumbling next to me all the time. I was so scared, I couldn't talk while this was going on, and I couldn't bring myself to move. All I could do was keep my eyes closed.

The two cousins that lived with us would sometimes visit their mother, and so her boyfriend knew where we lived. He was a bit of a thief, and broke into people's houses so he could sell whatever he found. The front wall of our living room was top-to-bottom windows, which opened longways (like a vent, maybe) to let air in. My granddad liked to leave these open and once when we were all gone, this thief snuk in to take my granddaddy's rifles. The guy heard footsteps, things in the master bedroom falling and being dropped, and the bedroom door opening-and he and froze. Nothing happened. He stood still until he became so scared, he began to call out for my granddad (or anyone) to answer. "Mr Duncan?! Mr Duncan?! ...Mr Duncan, are you there, sir?!" When nobody did so, he crawled back out through the front windows and ran. He called my granddad back 2 days later to say he got in the house to steal the rifles and all, but that there was someone in the house and he'd never come back there again.

Pulling away from the house, several people said you could hear someone scream (like they were being killed). Ours was the second house on the street. Once you began to pass that first house, someone would scream. Two uncles, an aunt, my granddad, and a couple of his friends have said they'd heard this. I never did, somehow. My granddad thought a little boy had been killed on a bicycle at our house, and that this is what everyone was hearing.

If it ever got too bad, I'd wake my brother and go sleep on the floor in my grandparents' room.

This setup at my grandparents' didn't last long. My mom sobered up, remarried the same guy (they said they were too drunk to remember the first time), and called us to live with her again.

 

[Kol]

My mom had moved to a set of apartment-duplexes called Woodglen, between Carrollton and Mt Zion. Years later when I came back from the Air Force, I'd move back here; this is where my ordeal with Sara and Kaitlin unfolded.

At this time though, I was only nine. My mother was trying to live a good life, and we attended the baptist church on the corner. Because I was afraid at night, she bought me a gold cross to hang from my bed. I also tucked a small Bible the Gideons had given me inside my pillow and slept on it. If I ever woke up with a bad dream, I'd call for my mom from my bed, and she'd somehow wake up and rush to my side. Sometimes I was so afraid, I could barely get anything out, and I have no idea how she heard me...but she did.

I wasn't afraid of ghosts anymore, because the apartment didn't seem haunted. But just like my sister would say years later, the entire place had the feel of aliens to it.

I had started to invent a system of numerology that I could understand the spiritual world with:

Zero was a void, the nothing from which all things came. It was also a gateway, and you had to start with zero to understand anything else.

One was unity, a single something. It was the absolute, the summation of all things.

Two was division, uncertainty, and war; rebellion. It was fighting, trying to set the wrong things right. Change.

Three was intelligence and understanding. Control and scientific order. Maps, understanding, and dominance.

Four was the earth, and all things carnal. Life, death, the seasons, and so on. It was the key to life and death, because death was only an earthly concept.

Five was order and regulation. It was the system, the created world.

Six was human beings, and love. Youth, beauty, and so on.

Seven was spirituality. The spiritual realm.

Eight was rebirth, the hero, the new world.

Nine was power, strength, and life as a quest or mission to be fulfilled.

I had begun to jot these numbers down with whatever feelings I would have, to see how things in general were going to be. I began to think that if I would only wear green that the aliens would like me and things would be better between us. I began to think of a single alien as the one that came for me, a woman somehow. But I never remembered anything more than this.

School went fine. I had friends, I made good grades, and I even made friends my own age in the apartments. I remember going swimming and playing Ninja Turtles. My stepdad spent money on us, and my mom cooked every night. My sister Amanda was born, and I spent most of my time with her, if not with my other friends.

And there was something strange about my sister to me, but I had no idea what it was.

 

[Kol]

I was immediately close to Amanda. It was my first year at a new school (as always) and my brother made friends more easily than I did, so my little sister was my usual companion. Most of the pictures I have from this time was of me holding her or playing with her.

My brother was doing alright, but let himself be bullied because he thought it would let him make friends. I remember he would give his ice cream money to kids on the bus, hoping they would be nice back.

I remember my friends from the fifth grade, Natasha, Allen, Donnie, and Angela. I was in love with Tasha, but Angela warned her if we got married all our kids would have big ears like me (they were huge) and I think that changed her mind a bit.

Things at night seemed to settle down, especially after Amanda was born. I was still afraid of aliens, but not nearly as much. I was now afraid, not terrified. But, even as a kid, I was into numerology and thought I was a psychic.

 

[Kol]

Questions? Comments?

My mindset as a nine-year-old was pretty much the way I would think from then on out. I dealt the best I could with the family situation, which was always ambiguous; the good guys were different at times, depending on whether or not my mom was sober. During this time period she was, and life was good. I found I absolutely loved my sister, and I had good friends, and things were great.

We all went to church, and sometimes Sunday school, although nobody else my age was ever there. I didn't remember the baby OBEs, or all the alien stuff from my early childhood. I just knew I was afraid. I would buy the Weekly World News and read about psychics, and I'd always read both my and Natasha's horoscopes, mostly to see if and when we could fall in love, lol. I read the four gospels and said a prayer to God every night.

Living at Woodglen, I would think back to the ghost stuff at my granddad's and wonder. It made me want to learn everything I could about spirits. Nobody talked about ghosts in the daytime...it seemed a big mystery. I knew they were real, because I'd experienced them firsthand. I wondered why everyone else hadn't. So it made me feel as if I were some type of spirit-worker, as if I were special in some way. Since my self-esteem was so low from ordinary, "real" life, I began to delve deeper and deeper into this, especially during any bad times that came about.

I combined this interest in the spiritual with my love for God and all things good, and tried to make things go from there.