I got married on sept. 25, Its great, i love my husband. But, his 6 year old boy is totally out of control. I love him too, but i need help. I know nothin about being a parent. I dont want to be the evil step-mom, but I dont want to be a doormat either. My husband wont let me disciplin his son, which makes me feel like he doesnt trust me. Im not gonna beat the kid or anything! But I think that when a 6 year old child slap you in the face, & kicks, & puts & screams at you constantly, he needs a spanking. He knows better. So, I feel very disrespected by my husband & his child when things like this go un-punished, which is causing problems with me & my husband. so, am i wrong for thinking he needs a spanking? Should I spank him anyway, even though my husband says no? should I refuse to have him in my home? WHAT DO I DO???
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Just Married, & NEED HELP
- Thread starter AngiRiley
- Start date
Have you talked about all of this with your husband, as in telling him that you feel that he does not trust you because of this? Granted I've never been in a situation like yours but I would hope that any reasonable man would be able to see the wisdom in restraining a young child if he is physically attacking you.
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A lot of people have this problem. So I hope a lot of people respond to your question. It is a tough one.
I would not go behind his back and discipline the child. Too many bad things could happen.
So what starts all this physical abuse from the child? Evaulate the situations, write them down with necessary to talk with your husband out them later.
First, your husband needs to know you are having a problem with this area and it is affecting your marriage. He needs to know how his child is treating you. And ask him if he approves of his child doing those things to you. If he truly loves you, he would not allow this to happy to you.
Second, ask him to explain his view of discipline for his child & how he disciplines and in what situations he disciplines.
Third, ask him if the child is home alone with you, how does he want you to handle a situation that needs discipline applied.
Four, if the battering from the child to you continues, you need to tell him this is unacceptable and things have to change because this is not healthy for your marriage.
Encourage him to go with your to parenting classes. And of course, pray before you approach him and talk about these things, pick the right timing.
Till then I'd remove myself from his presence, like go in the bathroom and wait till he calms down. Or distract him, and go for a walk or watch a movie, something that would take his mind off the present situation.
I will pray for peace in your home and peace for the child.
I would not go behind his back and discipline the child. Too many bad things could happen.
So what starts all this physical abuse from the child? Evaulate the situations, write them down with necessary to talk with your husband out them later.
First, your husband needs to know you are having a problem with this area and it is affecting your marriage. He needs to know how his child is treating you. And ask him if he approves of his child doing those things to you. If he truly loves you, he would not allow this to happy to you.
Second, ask him to explain his view of discipline for his child & how he disciplines and in what situations he disciplines.
Third, ask him if the child is home alone with you, how does he want you to handle a situation that needs discipline applied.
Four, if the battering from the child to you continues, you need to tell him this is unacceptable and things have to change because this is not healthy for your marriage.
Encourage him to go with your to parenting classes. And of course, pray before you approach him and talk about these things, pick the right timing.
Till then I'd remove myself from his presence, like go in the bathroom and wait till he calms down. Or distract him, and go for a walk or watch a movie, something that would take his mind off the present situation.
I will pray for peace in your home and peace for the child.
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Maybe his son still misses his birth mum and sees you as a homewrecker. Your new son probably also feels that you don't have the right to discipline him, as you're not 'really' his mum. That's not right or true, but it's probably what he believes. I think there's nothing for it but a big family discussion about how getting a new mum works, and how you love him too (or are working on it - but don't say that) and that you want what's best for everyone.
Has a lot of things changed since you married your husband? What is your husband's relationship with his ex like? Or was he a widower?
You'll be in my prayers.
Has a lot of things changed since you married your husband? What is your husband's relationship with his ex like? Or was he a widower?
You'll be in my prayers.
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J
JVD
Guest
You have a problem...and it's not going to go away. I am not picking on you specifically here but want to mention this for people in general.
If you marry someone with children people...you are also marrying their children, AND their ex-spouse, AND the childrens' grandparents on the ex-spouse side,AND your spouses parents. They will be part of your life for the rest of your life. It's something to think about.
Also, as a step-parent, you are at a disadvantage. Not only do you have to answer to your spouse for anything you do, you also have to answer to his ex. You don't have the power, and you shouldn't, you are NOT the parent.
I can't help you here, you need to have your husband take care of the situation and soon. If not, learn to live with it.
If you marry someone with children people...you are also marrying their children, AND their ex-spouse, AND the childrens' grandparents on the ex-spouse side,AND your spouses parents. They will be part of your life for the rest of your life. It's something to think about.
Also, as a step-parent, you are at a disadvantage. Not only do you have to answer to your spouse for anything you do, you also have to answer to his ex. You don't have the power, and you shouldn't, you are NOT the parent.
I can't help you here, you need to have your husband take care of the situation and soon. If not, learn to live with it.
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J
JVD
Guest
Oh...and by the way. If you refuse to have your son's child in your home, he will likely choose his child over you, or at least he should if he is a good parent.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of such bad tidings. You put yourself in this situation when you married him.
Please, just make sure this marriage is going to last before you choose to have a child with your husband.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of such bad tidings. You put yourself in this situation when you married him.
Please, just make sure this marriage is going to last before you choose to have a child with your husband.
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Truly Blessed
Well-Known Member
I suggest that you talk to your husband about what is happening and how you feel. IMHO I do believe that your husband is discounting you if he will not listen to what you are saying regarding what the child is doing.
I recommend that you talk to your husband and ask him what punishment you can give out when he is not around.
(Maybe if he says none - then when he gets home from work say "Hi honey, this is what our (your) son did to me today and kick your husband in the shin or do whatever the child did to you.) semi-serious.
Sorry for not having anymore suggestions.
I recommend that you talk to your husband and ask him what punishment you can give out when he is not around.
(Maybe if he says none - then when he gets home from work say "Hi honey, this is what our (your) son did to me today and kick your husband in the shin or do whatever the child did to you.) semi-serious.
Sorry for not having anymore suggestions.
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IslandBreeze
Caribbean Queen
Truly Blessed said:
I vote for that option! Seriously though, did you not discuss this BEFORE you got married? Just knowing he had a child would have brought on a whole slew of questions--before another date would even go on, much less an engagement and then marriage. It sounds like you and your husband have a lot of talking to do.
I don't have any answers. I just can't imagine letting a six-year-old run a house. It doesn't make sense to me.
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I strongly suggest that you get a copy of How to Talk so CHildren Will Listen and Listen so Children Will Talk. It could very well be that this young man is acting out emotions he has no idea how to articulate. You have no idea what his mother has said about you or why she is no longer with your husband, or, even if she has said nothing, what attitudes he may have absorbed. Active lilsteing skills will enable you to help him be understood. It may mean that you are having to say "You don't like me, do you? You are very angry with me and having to spend time with me." or "Wow! You are really angry!" Here take this paper and crayon and show me how angry you are! Draw it for me."
It would be very logical for this little guy to be very angry. All kids hope their parents wil get back together and from his perspective, you have mesed that all up. He cannot get angry with his mother. He depends upon her and needs her. He canot get angry with his father - he is afraid of losing his love as it is. So, he gets angry with you. What 6 year old can articulate that?
He needs to learn hitting other people is not acceptable, but until you know why he is doing that, it will be much harder to get him to stop. Oh, you could always spank him and overpower him, and he will learn to behave around you, but he'll only further resent you that will not help things at all.
Your husband is wrong. If you are sharing living space with a 6 year old child on a regular basis, you will have to be able to discipline him. That does not necessarilly mean spanking; it means discipline, which includes a huge array of choices. Your husband is a fool if he thinks that the two of you can be in the house together without you providing needed discipline.
You also have every right to protect yourself and not be hurt by the child. The easiest way to protect yourself from a six year old is to hug them from behind, both of you sitting on the floor. From that position you can (as calmly as possible) whisper in their ear, rock him, which can be very soothing. "You are very angy with me. I see how angry you are. I am sorry you are so angry. I am not angry with you. I love you. I am sorry you are so angry. I love you."
Outside of the house, you need to discuss this with your husband. His decision that you not discipline his son could very well be based in guilt - guilt over his child's homelife being disrupted no matter what caused the split. So, he thinks that somehow it will be better if discipline continues to come frm only the boy's moter and him. This also indicates that your husband sees discipline only as punishment, and not as guidance and direction. You may want to suggest that together you go and see a counselor to talk about this.
It would be very logical for this little guy to be very angry. All kids hope their parents wil get back together and from his perspective, you have mesed that all up. He cannot get angry with his mother. He depends upon her and needs her. He canot get angry with his father - he is afraid of losing his love as it is. So, he gets angry with you. What 6 year old can articulate that?
He needs to learn hitting other people is not acceptable, but until you know why he is doing that, it will be much harder to get him to stop. Oh, you could always spank him and overpower him, and he will learn to behave around you, but he'll only further resent you that will not help things at all.
Your husband is wrong. If you are sharing living space with a 6 year old child on a regular basis, you will have to be able to discipline him. That does not necessarilly mean spanking; it means discipline, which includes a huge array of choices. Your husband is a fool if he thinks that the two of you can be in the house together without you providing needed discipline.
You also have every right to protect yourself and not be hurt by the child. The easiest way to protect yourself from a six year old is to hug them from behind, both of you sitting on the floor. From that position you can (as calmly as possible) whisper in their ear, rock him, which can be very soothing. "You are very angy with me. I see how angry you are. I am sorry you are so angry. I am not angry with you. I love you. I am sorry you are so angry. I love you."
Outside of the house, you need to discuss this with your husband. His decision that you not discipline his son could very well be based in guilt - guilt over his child's homelife being disrupted no matter what caused the split. So, he thinks that somehow it will be better if discipline continues to come frm only the boy's moter and him. This also indicates that your husband sees discipline only as punishment, and not as guidance and direction. You may want to suggest that together you go and see a counselor to talk about this.
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Serenity Now!
the poster formerly known as Rev2:10
Just wanted to tell you I will pray for you and this 6 year old child. I had a rough time with my husband's daughter even before we were married... that is a long story! This is such a challenge. Go with care!
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
Boy, Bliz, you are going to fall over, but I'm agreeing with you again (this is, like, twice in the same day...)... 
That 6 year old is one ticked off little man, and honestly, he has every right to be. His parents split up--the home he SHOULD have had was ruined--and then dad goes and brings home a new mom, one that the 6 year old didn't get much to say about, and now everything's supposed to be different. Yet ANOTHER upheavel in a childhood full of upheavel.
I don't know if it is possible for you or not, but if you can do your best to see things from the 6 year old's perspective, it may help you a little bit--at least in learning to understand him, perhaps. He's not trying to make your life miserable--it's just that his life IS miserable, and he doesn't know how to deal with it because he's only 6!
All the things that should have been laid into his young foundation--the cement of STABILITY, of TRUST, of FAMILY, of LOVE, of being SAFE, of being WANTED--all those things didn't get poured. Instead, he learned that family isn't stable, that it isn't to be trusted, that there is no such thing as a warm loving home (what's that?), that he isn't safe, that he isn't wanted...
These are the things that this little boy has learned so far, and they aren't things that are going to go away over night (nor should one expect them to do so). It took years to break him to pieces, and it will take many more years to put him back together again.
If he sees you as someone who just wants him to behave so that you can go on about your life, then he is going to hate you...because you will just be yet another adult who really doesn't give much of a flip about him.
But if he sees you as someone who actually WANTS him, who actually cares about him, who will actually LISTEN to him and spend time 'hanging out' with him (doing stuff that he considers of value, whether it's reading stories or building with lego's or whatever), then his heart toward you is going to slowly (slowly!) thaw.
You are not allowed to spank him right now, and honestly, I don't really think that would be a good idea just yet. Just because you are married to his dad doesn't make you his mom (you notice, you still call the child, "his son," not, "our" son), that's a thing that takes time, and something you will certainly want to be praying for (a mother's heart towards this child)...and yes, Dad needs to be doing a better job of letting his son know what is and is NOT acceptable behaviour!!!..but in the meantime...
...I bet you WOULD be allowed to come up with some sort of REWARDS system! Maybe a chart on the fridge where a sticker can be placed every time he does what he is asked, or every time he helps with a chore, etc...
You could come up with a deal (be excited, make it fun, and do it WITH the child)--when there are 20 stickers on the chart, you will take him to the ice cream parlor for a cone, or you'll give him 5.00 to go spend at the toystore, or...whatever it is that he's really into... That would be a great way to discipline positively, and it would also provide a bit of incentive for him to stop unruly behaviour--throwing a fit means no sticker, yelling at you means no sticker, etc...
I would also advise you to do your best to remain uninterested/unobservant when he is disobedient. If he's throwing a fit, just walk off and ignore it. Part of the fun of a fit or a screaming-fest is the fact that it really ticks the authority figure off. If the authority figure acts like he/she is bored and goes off to do something more interesting, then it's not nearly quite as fun!
I'd do my best to spend as much POSITIVE time with him as possible--to include him and 'hang' with him as much as you can--sounds like he really wants some loving attention---and come up with some sort of 'creative' way to reward his good behaviour, until you are allowed to deal with the bad.
Warm Regards,
Molly
That 6 year old is one ticked off little man, and honestly, he has every right to be. His parents split up--the home he SHOULD have had was ruined--and then dad goes and brings home a new mom, one that the 6 year old didn't get much to say about, and now everything's supposed to be different. Yet ANOTHER upheavel in a childhood full of upheavel.
I don't know if it is possible for you or not, but if you can do your best to see things from the 6 year old's perspective, it may help you a little bit--at least in learning to understand him, perhaps. He's not trying to make your life miserable--it's just that his life IS miserable, and he doesn't know how to deal with it because he's only 6!
All the things that should have been laid into his young foundation--the cement of STABILITY, of TRUST, of FAMILY, of LOVE, of being SAFE, of being WANTED--all those things didn't get poured. Instead, he learned that family isn't stable, that it isn't to be trusted, that there is no such thing as a warm loving home (what's that?), that he isn't safe, that he isn't wanted...
These are the things that this little boy has learned so far, and they aren't things that are going to go away over night (nor should one expect them to do so). It took years to break him to pieces, and it will take many more years to put him back together again.
If he sees you as someone who just wants him to behave so that you can go on about your life, then he is going to hate you...because you will just be yet another adult who really doesn't give much of a flip about him.
But if he sees you as someone who actually WANTS him, who actually cares about him, who will actually LISTEN to him and spend time 'hanging out' with him (doing stuff that he considers of value, whether it's reading stories or building with lego's or whatever), then his heart toward you is going to slowly (slowly!) thaw.
You are not allowed to spank him right now, and honestly, I don't really think that would be a good idea just yet. Just because you are married to his dad doesn't make you his mom (you notice, you still call the child, "his son," not, "our" son), that's a thing that takes time, and something you will certainly want to be praying for (a mother's heart towards this child)...and yes, Dad needs to be doing a better job of letting his son know what is and is NOT acceptable behaviour!!!..but in the meantime...
...I bet you WOULD be allowed to come up with some sort of REWARDS system! Maybe a chart on the fridge where a sticker can be placed every time he does what he is asked, or every time he helps with a chore, etc...
You could come up with a deal (be excited, make it fun, and do it WITH the child)--when there are 20 stickers on the chart, you will take him to the ice cream parlor for a cone, or you'll give him 5.00 to go spend at the toystore, or...whatever it is that he's really into...
That would be a great way to discipline positively, and it would also provide a bit of incentive for him to stop unruly behaviour--throwing a fit means no sticker, yelling at you means no sticker, etc... I would also advise you to do your best to remain uninterested/unobservant when he is disobedient. If he's throwing a fit, just walk off and ignore it. Part of the fun of a fit or a screaming-fest is the fact that it really ticks the authority figure off. If the authority figure acts like he/she is bored and goes off to do something more interesting, then it's not nearly quite as fun!
I'd do my best to spend as much POSITIVE time with him as possible--to include him and 'hang' with him as much as you can--sounds like he really wants some loving attention---and come up with some sort of 'creative' way to reward his good behaviour, until you are allowed to deal with the bad.
Warm Regards,
Molly
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I know all this sounds harsh, but I'm tired and don't have the time to sugar coat anything. You know the man best, so you can decide how best to bring these urgent things to his attention in a way he will accept rather than reject them.
Keep in mind that I have never been in such a position, but I have confidence that what I tell you is correct because it is backed by none other than the yeah and amen of the Almighty God whom we all serve. Here we go.
Matthew 12:25 says a house divided cannot stand. You are one family under one roof, whether any of you (unruly 6 year old included) agree with it or not. You are not two families living together, and you cannot act as though you are. One house must = one set of rules. If not, the child will have no clear definition of right and wrong and will only create more problems as time goes on. Your husband is the spiritual leader of your family, so convict his conscience with Scripture.
Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
According to the Bible, he is a fool.
Proverbs 5:23
He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.
He is responsible for the death (speaking of spiritual death) of his son.
Proverbs 10:17
He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.
He is leading his son away from God.
Proverbs 12:1
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
According to the Bible, your husband is stupid.
Proverbs 13:24
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Pretty straight-forward, isn't it?
Proverbs 19:18
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
He is COMMANDED by the Word of God to discipline his son. In not doing so, he is responsible for the outcome of that child's life.
So, according to the Bible, if your husband will not discipline the child, he is a stupid fool who hates his son and is leading him away from God and is responsible for his eventual destruction. If that doesn't bother him, you have a serious problem on your hands.
The list of Scriptures continues, but I think you get the point. Once he sees how serious the situation is, he will, if he is truly a Christian, at least sit and talk to you and work something out. I (and I obviously don't know the whole situation) don't see how things can work if he is allowing his home to remain divided. God placed him in the leadership role, but noone can follow a parked car.
If he will not see the situation as one family, than I don't see how you can either. If he insists on having two families under one roof, then I would not allow the child in my home. You will be doing the child no favors by allowing him to walk all over you. If he will not learn respect for authority while he's a child, the police won't have a chance when he's an adult.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. NO exceptions.
Keep in mind that I have never been in such a position, but I have confidence that what I tell you is correct because it is backed by none other than the yeah and amen of the Almighty God whom we all serve. Here we go.
Matthew 12:25 says a house divided cannot stand. You are one family under one roof, whether any of you (unruly 6 year old included) agree with it or not. You are not two families living together, and you cannot act as though you are. One house must = one set of rules. If not, the child will have no clear definition of right and wrong and will only create more problems as time goes on. Your husband is the spiritual leader of your family, so convict his conscience with Scripture.
Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
According to the Bible, he is a fool.
Proverbs 5:23
He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.
He is responsible for the death (speaking of spiritual death) of his son.
Proverbs 10:17
He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.
He is leading his son away from God.
Proverbs 12:1
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
According to the Bible, your husband is stupid.
Proverbs 13:24
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Pretty straight-forward, isn't it?
Proverbs 19:18
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.
He is COMMANDED by the Word of God to discipline his son. In not doing so, he is responsible for the outcome of that child's life.
So, according to the Bible, if your husband will not discipline the child, he is a stupid fool who hates his son and is leading him away from God and is responsible for his eventual destruction. If that doesn't bother him, you have a serious problem on your hands.
The list of Scriptures continues, but I think you get the point. Once he sees how serious the situation is, he will, if he is truly a Christian, at least sit and talk to you and work something out. I (and I obviously don't know the whole situation) don't see how things can work if he is allowing his home to remain divided. God placed him in the leadership role, but noone can follow a parked car.
If he will not see the situation as one family, than I don't see how you can either. If he insists on having two families under one roof, then I would not allow the child in my home. You will be doing the child no favors by allowing him to walk all over you. If he will not learn respect for authority while he's a child, the police won't have a chance when he's an adult.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. NO exceptions.
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
I don't agree with your advice at all, though I certainly agree with the texts of Scripture you quoted. However, it's important to keep in mind that this is not the 'ideal' situation here. I am not entirely sure that these verses all apply INSTANTLY to a 'blended' family...
It's one thing when a parent is widowed, but it's another when there's been divorce. In death, the parent didn't choose to leave the child, in divorce, the parents CHOSE to put their own issues ahead of the needs of the child, and split up for their own pleasure, disregarding the child's need for a home. (I realize there are many reasons for divorce--I'm just generalizing here with the most common, for the sake of time and space!)...
I'm not sure it's entirely fair to expect a child to get a "new mom" or a "new dad" (perhaps a new one every year!) and then expect the home to run smoothly or else it's all the child's fault...nothing a few spankings can't fix...
WAIT! When does the child get to react to all of this? Adults are just continually running over him, to suit their own wants and pleasures, and he just gets dragged along having to deal and cope with it all...at an age where one is intended NOT to 'deal and cope' with that garbage, but when one is supposed to be taught things like STABILITY, TRUST, COMMITMENT, and that one is SAFE at home, that home and family are a REFUGE.
It's not fair at all to expect a young child just to instantly adapt to the new marraige and not have any sort of reactions to the injustice that has been taking place in his life!
I'm not saying his reactions are ok--he needs to learn better ways to act out his pain, and dad needs to get a lot more involved in all of this, YES, but we can't give much to dad right now--it's his new WIFE who's asking the question, and counseling a wife that her husband is a "stupid fool" is HARDLY sage advice for bringing harmony to a fledgling home that hardly has any anyways...
Keep in mind here that I am a huge fan of discipline, and not opposed to spanking a bit, but God's definition of a disciplined child is in the CONTEXT of a home FULL OF LOVE. That is the context for the book of Proverbs--a home where parents WANT their children, want BLESSING and a prosperous future for their children (both spiritually and physically) and work to that end, a home full of laughter and joy, AND a home where children are trained to obey.
You can't just take a few verses out about discipline and throw them at a home that is just starting, especially one that is dragging along the corpses of divorce and trying to learn how to be a stable happy place for the FIRST TIME.
Discipline has her place, but so do the other aspects that make up a happy godly home, and to simply take a broken hurting child and start spanking him is NOT going to be the solution to anything...other than giving him yet more pain. Yes, he needs discipline, but he needs those other things even more, and until those other things are alive and well, discipline isn't going to be any sort of solution to much of anything.
This is just my opinion, of course, which is human and therefore fallible, however I think it's important to keep in mind that divorce and remarraige bring with them a LOT of baggage, and so instantly putting the expectations of a normal child onto a child of divorce, just because one parent decided to get married again (for the 2nd or 3rd or 4th time) is hardly righteous. There are many more issues that need to be worked out--the things that CAUSE this boy to act out so aggressively--becuase it's not simply childish folly. It's a lot of legitimate pain, and God's Word says a lot about injustice done to a child. Our reaction to it should not be merely: spank/discipline him! That's not going to be the answer here...it is only a small part of a much bigger hole.
Warm Regards,
Molly
It's one thing when a parent is widowed, but it's another when there's been divorce. In death, the parent didn't choose to leave the child, in divorce, the parents CHOSE to put their own issues ahead of the needs of the child, and split up for their own pleasure, disregarding the child's need for a home. (I realize there are many reasons for divorce--I'm just generalizing here with the most common, for the sake of time and space!)...
I'm not sure it's entirely fair to expect a child to get a "new mom" or a "new dad" (perhaps a new one every year!) and then expect the home to run smoothly or else it's all the child's fault...nothing a few spankings can't fix...
WAIT! When does the child get to react to all of this? Adults are just continually running over him, to suit their own wants and pleasures, and he just gets dragged along having to deal and cope with it all...at an age where one is intended NOT to 'deal and cope' with that garbage, but when one is supposed to be taught things like STABILITY, TRUST, COMMITMENT, and that one is SAFE at home, that home and family are a REFUGE.
It's not fair at all to expect a young child just to instantly adapt to the new marraige and not have any sort of reactions to the injustice that has been taking place in his life!
I'm not saying his reactions are ok--he needs to learn better ways to act out his pain, and dad needs to get a lot more involved in all of this, YES, but we can't give much to dad right now--it's his new WIFE who's asking the question, and counseling a wife that her husband is a "stupid fool" is HARDLY sage advice for bringing harmony to a fledgling home that hardly has any anyways...
Keep in mind here that I am a huge fan of discipline, and not opposed to spanking a bit, but God's definition of a disciplined child is in the CONTEXT of a home FULL OF LOVE. That is the context for the book of Proverbs--a home where parents WANT their children, want BLESSING and a prosperous future for their children (both spiritually and physically) and work to that end, a home full of laughter and joy, AND a home where children are trained to obey.
You can't just take a few verses out about discipline and throw them at a home that is just starting, especially one that is dragging along the corpses of divorce and trying to learn how to be a stable happy place for the FIRST TIME.
Discipline has her place, but so do the other aspects that make up a happy godly home, and to simply take a broken hurting child and start spanking him is NOT going to be the solution to anything...other than giving him yet more pain. Yes, he needs discipline, but he needs those other things even more, and until those other things are alive and well, discipline isn't going to be any sort of solution to much of anything.
This is just my opinion, of course, which is human and therefore fallible, however I think it's important to keep in mind that divorce and remarraige bring with them a LOT of baggage, and so instantly putting the expectations of a normal child onto a child of divorce, just because one parent decided to get married again (for the 2nd or 3rd or 4th time) is hardly righteous. There are many more issues that need to be worked out--the things that CAUSE this boy to act out so aggressively--becuase it's not simply childish folly. It's a lot of legitimate pain, and God's Word says a lot about injustice done to a child. Our reaction to it should not be merely: spank/discipline him! That's not going to be the answer here...it is only a small part of a much bigger hole.
Warm Regards,
Molly
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Molly, Molly, Molly... Dang! I thank God for you just about every time I read one of your posts. If I could have responded any better than you did, I would have...but I can't. I just want to reemphasize the fact that you raise: THIS IS NOT THE CHILDRENS FAULT...WE ADULTS DRAG THEM THROUGH THE CR*P BECAUSE OF OUR OWN SELFISH WANTS AND DESIRES AND THEN EXPECT THEM TO JUST FOLLOW ALONG LIKE GOOD LITTLE CHILDREN. When will we ever see that our sin has many deep and painful consequences? Sure, we get to make the choice, but our children, family members, friends, and others are left to pick up the pieces and attempt to deal with our sinful actions. NO! Divorce is not always wrong, but in our current age, we are making this awful choice most often to resolve the selfishness we are dealing with. Why can't anyone understand that the Scriptures are clear that we live in a fallen world, we will experience lots of pain, we can't always and shouldn't try to escape our situations (as God most often uses them to draw us closer to Him and grow us as Christians), we must take up our cross, die to the flesh, etc., etc., etc. I'm am by no means saying this is easy (as I live through the torturous pain of my own separation from my wife - suffering through it just today sitting outside of Starbucks watching all the happy little couples walking in and out and realizing that not only do I not have my wife to enjoy a cup of coffee with, but I may have to remain celibate for the rest of my life). BUT! My God is bigger than all of my issues and I MUST rely no His strength and power to see me through this until the bitter (or very wonderful) end. I don't need people encouraging me that there is another woman in my future, that I'll feel better after more time passes, or that I have failed my wife and God (God knows it was definitely both of us who failed); I need people who will stand with me and bear my burdens in prayer and godly/biblical encouragement, and prayer. I am so sick and tired of our "bothers and sisters" giving advice that is counter-scriptural, fleshly, and reactionary to people that are hurting. The OP is in a very challenging position (one which she might have accepted when she married a man who was divorced and had children) and needs our prayers, encouragement, and gentle admonishment if she is responding in her flesh. We must always direct people back to the Cross of our loving Lord and let them know that are answers are not always instant or compatible with our feelings/thoughts. That's what makes us Christians distinctive to the rest of the world; we ought to be able to survive the difficult challenges of life because we serve a mighty and awesome God who died that we might live. I'm sorry if I have come on a little too strongly, but reading post after post of people giving advice that is neither biblical nor godly really gets me riled up. Molly, keep up the good work by sticking to the words of the Good Book...Michaelalaskamolly said:
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But my advise is the Scripture. He needs to read it and agree with it (and there is noone better to deliver it to him than his loving wife), not because I said so but because its in the Bible, and Christians believe the Bible. I don't mean to start any arguments here, or derail the thread, but what did I say that deviated from the Scriptures I posted? To my knowledge, everything I said corresponded with the posted Scripture. You cannot disagree with what I said and still agree with the Scripture, because they are the same.
I agree completely with what you and several others have said. But most of the responses given addressed these "softer" issues of understanding, working it out with her husband (as I suggested), getting to the root of whatever problem the child is facing, ect., but neglected discipline when the Bible is so vocal about the issue.
She posted at Christian Forums because she wanted Christian advise. I looked to what the Bible says. If there are more relevant verses (and I'm not doubting there are) that apply to this situation, by all means post them! But those were the most applicable I found at 2:30 in the morning.
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Katydid
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OK I need some background here. What role does the birth mother play in the boy's life? Does your husband have primary physical custody, or is it only weekend visitations? What were the feelings between mom and dad about you?(yes this is VERY relavent). Do you spend good time with the child at all? I can't give you any advice and I highly suggest you don't implement too much until we find out. Here is why.
If mom has primary custody, father may be feeling very guilty about any discipline during his short time with child.
If dad has primary custody, he may feel that he would be hurting the child by allowing you to take mom's role.
If mom and dad fought about you, well, him marrying you, you disciplining child, may be a fear of mom going back to court to mess up anytime dad has with child. In some states she would definately have a case to make sure that you cannot be with the child. Which, in turn would cause dad to have to choose between you and the child.
If child sees you as an enemy, then he is less likely to listen and obey.
Now a few other thoughts. Are you on speaking terms with mom? If so, then discuss this with hubby and see if all three of you can sit down and discuss expectations for discipline while the child is with you.
In the evenings take some time and read to your stepson. Take time to be a good person in his life before you decide to discipline him.
He needs to learn to communicate his anger in a way that is non-violent. Spanking him, in this condition may very well make this situation worse. Sit him down and explain that you cannot allow him to hit ANYONE, including yourself. Explain that if he is mad, upset, sad, happy, excited, all these things he can tell you. Say it like this, (and be VERY animated) "Honey, if you are happy, you come out with a happy face on (put on happy face), we talk and you tell me why you are happy, right?" "well, when you are mad, (put on mad face), you wear your mad face, but you have been hitting instead of telling me why you are mad. I can't let you do that sweetheart, so, here is what we are going to do. We are going to practice. I want you to say "I am mad".
When he does this, you need to hug him and say "Why", of course you are just practicing, but he needs to see that it is OK for him to express this. Then tell him,
"When you are mad, you can tell me like that and we will talk about it, OK. I may not change what I said, or did, but we can talk and maybe you will understand. If you scream or cry, then you will have alone time to calm down. When you feel like you can talk to me about it, then come out and talk. OK now let's practice, you scream at me."
He screams at you and you say "How about some alone time to calm down", then lead him to his room. During practice this will go smoothly, in the real thing, IT WILL NOT!! But keep at it and he will get the idea. Then you need to practice him coming out and saying it right. THIS PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT!! The practice is what he will rely on when he is hysterical.
Now this is up to you to take this or leave this, but I am saying it anyway. If he comes out and calmly says "I hate you", then calmly say, "let's talk about what it means to hate someone". Then explain to him what hate is, and make it clear that it means he wishes you were dead. Then tell him, that he can say, "I don't like you" but you really hope that he doesn't really wish you were dead. He will say this, trust me. Keeping your calm when he has lost his is the most important thing you can do. He needs to feel safe to express any emotion he wants, but he needs to learn to express them properly.
Now, how am I so sure that this information is correct.
I live your life. Though I am allowed to discipline. My stepson had a problem with rage, he had serious psychological problems attached to this. He had fits of rage where he physically harmed me. I went to work with a huge bruise on my neck from him clamping his teeth down on my throat when I picked him up to take him to his nap. I know what you feel. THIS WORKS. Not the first time, not the second, but in weeks you will see him start to talk to you more and lash out less. It is a habit he has to break so you will need patience. This technique was developed by me, after months of seeing a child psychologist. With his advice, I came up with a way for my stepson to communicate with me without feeling intimidated. My stepson was 3 years old when we came up with this, and it worked.
Please answer for me the questions above, even if only in a PM because those questions are very important and change my answer to the rest of your post. I will not comment on the rest because I don't want to cause you or your family anymore problems. I will be praying for you.
If mom has primary custody, father may be feeling very guilty about any discipline during his short time with child.
If dad has primary custody, he may feel that he would be hurting the child by allowing you to take mom's role.
If mom and dad fought about you, well, him marrying you, you disciplining child, may be a fear of mom going back to court to mess up anytime dad has with child. In some states she would definately have a case to make sure that you cannot be with the child. Which, in turn would cause dad to have to choose between you and the child.
If child sees you as an enemy, then he is less likely to listen and obey.
Now a few other thoughts. Are you on speaking terms with mom? If so, then discuss this with hubby and see if all three of you can sit down and discuss expectations for discipline while the child is with you.
In the evenings take some time and read to your stepson. Take time to be a good person in his life before you decide to discipline him.
He needs to learn to communicate his anger in a way that is non-violent. Spanking him, in this condition may very well make this situation worse. Sit him down and explain that you cannot allow him to hit ANYONE, including yourself. Explain that if he is mad, upset, sad, happy, excited, all these things he can tell you. Say it like this, (and be VERY animated) "Honey, if you are happy, you come out with a happy face on (put on happy face), we talk and you tell me why you are happy, right?" "well, when you are mad, (put on mad face), you wear your mad face, but you have been hitting instead of telling me why you are mad. I can't let you do that sweetheart, so, here is what we are going to do. We are going to practice. I want you to say "I am mad".
When he does this, you need to hug him and say "Why", of course you are just practicing, but he needs to see that it is OK for him to express this. Then tell him,
"When you are mad, you can tell me like that and we will talk about it, OK. I may not change what I said, or did, but we can talk and maybe you will understand. If you scream or cry, then you will have alone time to calm down. When you feel like you can talk to me about it, then come out and talk. OK now let's practice, you scream at me."
He screams at you and you say "How about some alone time to calm down", then lead him to his room. During practice this will go smoothly, in the real thing, IT WILL NOT!! But keep at it and he will get the idea. Then you need to practice him coming out and saying it right. THIS PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT!! The practice is what he will rely on when he is hysterical.
Now this is up to you to take this or leave this, but I am saying it anyway. If he comes out and calmly says "I hate you", then calmly say, "let's talk about what it means to hate someone". Then explain to him what hate is, and make it clear that it means he wishes you were dead. Then tell him, that he can say, "I don't like you" but you really hope that he doesn't really wish you were dead. He will say this, trust me. Keeping your calm when he has lost his is the most important thing you can do. He needs to feel safe to express any emotion he wants, but he needs to learn to express them properly.
Now, how am I so sure that this information is correct.
I live your life. Though I am allowed to discipline. My stepson had a problem with rage, he had serious psychological problems attached to this. He had fits of rage where he physically harmed me. I went to work with a huge bruise on my neck from him clamping his teeth down on my throat when I picked him up to take him to his nap. I know what you feel. THIS WORKS. Not the first time, not the second, but in weeks you will see him start to talk to you more and lash out less. It is a habit he has to break so you will need patience. This technique was developed by me, after months of seeing a child psychologist. With his advice, I came up with a way for my stepson to communicate with me without feeling intimidated. My stepson was 3 years old when we came up with this, and it worked.
Please answer for me the questions above, even if only in a PM because those questions are very important and change my answer to the rest of your post. I will not comment on the rest because I don't want to cause you or your family anymore problems. I will be praying for you.
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lovemysoldier
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I am appalled that your husband leaves you with a child with no power to discipline. This is a BIG issue that needs to be addressed. If he doesn't want you to discipline his boy than you shouldn't be required to be left alone with him. What would happen if this child acts up like this to his teacher at school? You need to be united when it comes to discipline. There needs to be clear boundaries and consequences backed up by both parents. Have a plan and be consistent. Have your spouse help you make a list of rules and consequences and post it up in the living area and go over them with the child. The boy needs to know where he belongs in the ranks.
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lovemysoldier
Well-Known Member
I wanted to add that after you and your husband have a united list of rules and consequences in place focus on good behavior. Go out of your way to compliment and reward the child when he is behaving. Have your husband help. Make sure that his love tank is full so he can feel comfortable at home and in his own skin.
Good luck. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Good luck. I will keep your family in my prayers.
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Zoomer
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This is an issue that really should have been addressed before you married.
I can tell you this much, that this behavior will only get worse. I can also tell you that that his son has you were he wants you. You both are divided and he knows that he can play both of you against each other. What is better than turning his father against he new step mother. If you are not allowed to discipline, he knows he can get away with whatever he wants while under your care. This issue cannot be resolved unless you and your husband agree on a method of discipline and hold to it. Why does your husband not let you discipline? Does he discipline, or does his son have no consequences for his bad actions? What about his biological mother?
I can tell you this much, that this behavior will only get worse. I can also tell you that that his son has you were he wants you. You both are divided and he knows that he can play both of you against each other. What is better than turning his father against he new step mother. If you are not allowed to discipline, he knows he can get away with whatever he wants while under your care. This issue cannot be resolved unless you and your husband agree on a method of discipline and hold to it. Why does your husband not let you discipline? Does he discipline, or does his son have no consequences for his bad actions? What about his biological mother?
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I am just got married and I have 2 children (ages 11 and 9). Before my husband and I got married, I made some ground rules that concerned my children. I dont want my husband to discipline my kids, I told him that he needs to gain their trust and become their friends first. Then when it comes time for him to discipline he would be able to talk to the kids and let them know what they are doing wrong. I do the discipline with my kids and I feel that is the way it should be. We have talked about this and it works for us. Every couple is different regarding these issues.
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