Just Married, & NEED HELP

[lovemysoldier]

If I leave a babysitter with my children the sitter is in charge. There is always a clear hierarchy. The child is the child and the sitter is the adult and the authority figure. Discipline doesn't have to be spanking. I spank but only as a last resort and most of the time issues can be resolved wihtout spanking and I do not allow anyone else to spank my children. I always leave the sitter with a plan so there is always a united front when it comes to the rules. Good behavior doesn't stop when I walk out the door. Children need boundaries in order to thrive.

Whenever my husband is deployed and comes back we are faced with similar hardships that mixed families face. Even though my husband is the father he is still the stranger in the house when he returns home. While it is necessary to take it slow and allow the children to get adjusted the rules are never comprimised. During times of reintigration our families are instructed to focus on the good and not the bad to help create a loving environment. We go out of our way to catch the kids being good but don't hesitate to guide and correct our children if they go astray. Eventually a rhythm is developed where everyone thrives.

I watched children in my home for several years. The biggest mistake that I ever made was being a child's friend before I became the boss. How would you react if a friend tells you what to do? It is really hard to gain respect after a child views you as a peer. From my experience I lost trust because the rules changed. Just because you call the shots doesn't mean that you can't be friendly and loving to your children. It should naturally go hand in hand.

 

[isaiah5213]

okay:

i have read all... i understand the indignance of posters who are surprised at the father who won't let the original discipline. i know 100% the original poster's frustration at not being allowed to have authority over a tantrum throwing child...

and i agree so much w/michael, bliz, and molly it is not even funny.

first of all, i am not meaning to blast here, but posters saying "this should have been discussed before you got married" are not helpful here. she is married. she is a Christian (i assume so because she is on a cf ...) and now how to help her?? maybe she did discuss it before, and her husband & her didn't realize the reaction the little boy would have!

you have to remember, at all times, that this little boy has to have a loyalty to his mom.. he looks at you, and he can feel guilty and ashamed if he likes you.... why?? because he may feel like he is betraying his mother, if he likes you, that's why! so you have that to deal with! the other thing you have to deal with, is your step-son looks at you, and he thinks that you are taking love from his dad. because obviously he doesn't live w/his dad. he wishes he had more time w/his dad. and there is gonna be huge huge huge amounts of jealousy there, because you get to spend time w/his dad, that he doesn't, & more of it than he does. deep down inside, he feels like his dad left him. he is only 6. he doesn't understand that daddy just left mommy. he sees that daddy left him. also, his daddy is not with him, at a crucial time for a boy. they separate from their moms between 3-5, they learn independence, how to fix, their self-worth as males, etc etc etc.. so his insecurity is huge huge huge...

i disagree w/bliz about the grabbing from behind, and whispering in ear part.. why? cuz i did that before..(i had several female roommates w/kids before i was married) & it was a huge deal. because of the trapped feeling the little boy had, he told his mom i had hurt him by merely holding him, and on and on... 8 years later, he became a Christian, and he talks about it freely-i had hurt his pride, not him, and he was so embarrassed about it--but tho my friendship w/the boy is great, there is a rift between me and his mother that she still has not forgiven me for.

you do need to let your husband know that he is letting the boy rule the household, his son is manipulating--unintentionally--your reactions. but this is a second marriage. you are trying to beat the odds. never put your husband in a position to choose you or his son. or demand that he "do something" about this behavior. you have to pray and fast. you have to beg God to put it on your husband's heart to want to respect you and love you, enough to protect you, even if it is from his own son. because of how your husband seems to be favoring his son over the marriage (i gained this is what you think from your post) i imagine you are feeling alot of anger and insecurity yourself... so do these things...

when you and your son get into it, then tell your son to go to his room till he stops crying, or stops screaming, or stops whatever... it's not "disciplining" him.. it is giving him his "cave" that every male needs to vent.

say awesome things about his mother ALL THE TIME. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS find great things to say about her. never talk bad about her, not even in private to your husband. this makes the son secure. it not only puts you in a good light, but it tells your son that he can trust you. that you mean no ill will towards him or his mom. NEVER STOP saying good things.. if this is hard for you, think of 10 good things to say about her, and write stuff down when he is not around, so you can get out that list on your "bad" moments, and read them off to him (don't read them in front of him, make him think that you just came up w/them on your own..)

if your hubby talks bad about his mom in front of the child, defend the mother... "she is a single mom, she is doing the best she can.." "she works really hard for the both of them"... and if this irks your husband, talk about it in private w/him. gently tell him it is not right to badmouth anyone, much less the ex...

is hubby disciplining the child when he finds out? you are just upset that you can't discipline him?? if he is disciplining, then that is great.. you just need to hang in there until your son settles down. if not, then you need to pray doubly hard, that if he refuses for you to discipline, then at least he does..

i will tell you, when i first got married to my husband, it was a totally similar situation.. & i prayed and prayed.. and my husband started to overhear the conversations. he heard me, he heard them.. he was so shocked that one of his children would act that way!! & they didn't know he was within earshot most of the time! he would literally fly around the corner at them! not because they were disrespecting me, at first, when we were married, but because of how embarrassed he was that one of his children would actually dare talk or act like that to ANYONE much less me..

i had to pray and really really get over my bad attitude, tho.. that was hard, for me to forgive them.. but when i did, and they learned that no matter the difficulties, i would work hard to resolve it, then they became more secure w/me...

but i still get their anger, their attitudes once in awhile, at the guilt they feel when they get along w/me, and mostly i get the brunt of their anger when they are hurt by their mom... (when mom won't let them see her, like they want to--which she says no frequently--)

 

[lovemysoldier]

Call me indignant but I believe that aggressive behavior is NOT appropriate under ANY circumstances. The boy is clearly testing the situation and manipulating boundaries and guidelines. Rules should be clearly defined and enforced as a PARENTAL TEAM so children know ahead of time what consequences are in store for them and to create a secure and consistant environment for them to thrive in. Help the boy find some positive ways to cope with the pain and frustration that he is dealing with and at the same time let him know what behaviors are NOT acceptable. Teach him how to be happy. Show him the way to God. Everyone needs an outlet for their pain. It is our job as parents to prepare our children for the adult world and we aren't doing them any favors if we make excuses for them and allow self-destructive behaviors to remain.

I agree with Dr. Phil's approach to raising children. He has an easy outline to help blended families achieve harmony.

FROM DRPHIL.COM

"Achieve Harmony in Your Blended Family

A blended family is often a difficult balancing act between the new spouse, the new stepchildren, and your own kids. It can take years to bring harmony to a blended family, but it is attainable. Dr. Phil offers this advice:

Acknowledge the challenge.
You knew that your spouse was bringing a child from a previous relationship into the marriage, so that part of your situation can't be a shock. If you're shocked about having to come up with a plan to resolve difficulties, get over it! Nobody said this would be an easy hill to climb. You need to sit down with your spouse to discuss money, discipline, childcare and any other issues that you haven't mutually agreed upon yet.

Have your discussions outside of crisis.
If most of your discussions are taking place within the context of an argument, you need to stop. Agree to make time to talk calmly and rationally. This is important for you but more important for your children. When you argue in front of children you change who they are. For you, the fight is over when it's over. For your children, it doesn't end. They don't see you make up. They don't participate in the healing. They go to bed at night thinking that their parents are fighting because of them.

Stop complaining and be specific.
You need to stop complaining and start asking for what you specifically need from your partner. Tell him or her exactly what he/she needs to do in order to make you and your kids feel accepted and special. In turn, you need to ask your partner what is needed from you.

Mutually agree on punishment.
Don't assume that your style of disciplining will be appropriate for your stepchildren. It's important that you talk to your spouse about the rules and punishment that existed before you joined the family. It's unfair to change the rules on a child overnight.

Create a personal relationship.
Make a commitment to developing a relationship with your stepchild that has nothing to do with your spouse. Set aside some special time in which you and the child can interact alone. You also need to stop thinking of your stepchild as "his/her kid" and regard the child as an individual. Make no doubt about it, you are a pivotal person in that child's life."

 

[desi]

You married a guy with a kid you are not the mother of. Get mommy on the same page as you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

So had you given much thought to the fact that he has a six year old before you got married, or is the kid more like a misplaced staple on the centerfold picture?

I promise it sucks harder to be him that it does to be you. You can leave whenever you feel like you can't take it anymore.
He just has to sit there and take it.

If anyone deserves a spanking, it would be his parents.

I have trouble sympathizing with situations like this. Cause I was in the same situation myself. But at least I was old enough to be able to pack my bags and walk out.

You should have anticipated this. The kid didn't show up in the mail one day. he's been there all along.