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just kiddin'
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A woman in the grocery store is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cereal and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long, easy boy.”
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple of more minutes and we will be out of here. It won’t be long.”
At the checkout stand, the little horror is throwing thing out of the buggy. The grandfather says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool William.
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather.”
“Thanks,” he says. “But I am William. The little turd’s name is Kevin.”
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple of more minutes and we will be out of here. It won’t be long.”
At the checkout stand, the little horror is throwing thing out of the buggy. The grandfather says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool William.
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather.”
“Thanks,” he says. “But I am William. The little turd’s name is Kevin.”
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
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"4 Worms In Church"
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
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Alithis
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A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. Nope, he replied, that seat is empty.
Whoah! Thats crazy!, said the guy. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?
Sadly, the man says, Well the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series weve missed since we got married in 1964.
Oh, Im so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldnt you find someone else a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?
Nah, the man replies as he shakes his head, theyre all at the funeral.
Whoah! Thats crazy!, said the guy. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?
Sadly, the man says, Well the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series weve missed since we got married in 1964.
Oh, Im so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldnt you find someone else a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?
Nah, the man replies as he shakes his head, theyre all at the funeral.
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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 people applied for the job: a Japanese man, a Chinese man, and Moishe.
The emperor first asked the Japanese man to demonstrate why he should be chief Samurai. The man opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese man to demonstrate why he should be chief Samurai. The man opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Moishe to demonstrate why he should be chief Samurai. Moishe opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Moishe's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Moishe, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Moishe replied, "A circumcision is not intended to kill."
The emperor first asked the Japanese man to demonstrate why he should be chief Samurai. The man opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese man to demonstrate why he should be chief Samurai. The man opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Moishe to demonstrate why he should be chief Samurai. Moishe opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Moishe's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Moishe, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Moishe replied, "A circumcision is not intended to kill."
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Alithis
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What is being incinerating on CF? It is beyond my apprehension how some people can show unparalyzed ability to mandible the language. Even though I am the very pineapple of correct usage, my affluence is limited and I except that I cannot pre-suede, even though I know we should illiterate such arrears.
That was illustratedly enjoyable and I was most detained by it
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- Jun 18, 2014
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We are now past Shavuot and are starting to look forward to the High Holy Days. One of the traditions of Yom haTeruah - (aka Rosh HaShana) performed following afternoon services is "Tashlich" or the Sending Away. One casts stones or bread into a body of flowing water symbolizing the casting away of sins.
For those who use the bread tradition, the following list has been compiled to properly symbolize the sins being repented of.
for ordinary sins white bread
for exotic sins French bread
for particularly dark sins pumpernickel
for complex sins multi grain
for twisted sins pretzels
for tasteless sins rice cakes
for sins of indecision waffles
for sins committed in haste matzah
for sins committed in less than 18 minutes shmurah matzah
for sins of chutzpah fresh bread
for substance abuse poppy seed
for committing arson toast
for committing auto theft caraway
for being ill tempered sourdough
for silliness nut bread
for not giving full value shortbread
for jingoism Yankee Doodles
for excessive use of irony rye bread
for telling bad jokes corn bread
for hardening our hearts jelly doughnuts
for being money hungry enriched bread of raw dough
for war mongering Kaiser rolls
for immodest dressing tarts
for causing injury or damage to others tortes
for promiscuity hot buns
for racism crackers
for sophisticated racism Ritz crackers
for davening off tune flat bread
for being holier than thou bagels
for unfairly unbraiding another challah
for indecent photograph cheesecake
for trashing the environment dumplings
for sins of laziness any very long loaf
for sins of pride puff pastry
for lying baked goods with Nutra Sweet and Olestra
for wearing tasteless hats Tam Tams
for sins of the righteous angel food cake
for selling your soul devils food cake
for lust in your heart Wonder Bread
for inhaling stoned wheat
For those who use the bread tradition, the following list has been compiled to properly symbolize the sins being repented of.
for ordinary sins white bread
for exotic sins French bread
for particularly dark sins pumpernickel
for complex sins multi grain
for twisted sins pretzels
for tasteless sins rice cakes
for sins of indecision waffles
for sins committed in haste matzah
for sins committed in less than 18 minutes shmurah matzah
for sins of chutzpah fresh bread
for substance abuse poppy seed
for committing arson toast
for committing auto theft caraway
for being ill tempered sourdough
for silliness nut bread
for not giving full value shortbread
for jingoism Yankee Doodles
for excessive use of irony rye bread
for telling bad jokes corn bread
for hardening our hearts jelly doughnuts
for being money hungry enriched bread of raw dough
for war mongering Kaiser rolls
for immodest dressing tarts
for causing injury or damage to others tortes
for promiscuity hot buns
for racism crackers
for sophisticated racism Ritz crackers
for davening off tune flat bread
for being holier than thou bagels
for unfairly unbraiding another challah
for indecent photograph cheesecake
for trashing the environment dumplings
for sins of laziness any very long loaf
for sins of pride puff pastry
for lying baked goods with Nutra Sweet and Olestra
for wearing tasteless hats Tam Tams
for sins of the righteous angel food cake
for selling your soul devils food cake
for lust in your heart Wonder Bread
for inhaling stoned wheat
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