just kiddin'

[visionary]

Student Is Asked About "Hell" On An Exam. You've Gotta Read His Answer. - quickmeme

University student on the subject of hell.

 

[Avodat]

Man laying in bed in smallish local hospital in middle England. With his very broad Glaswegian accent he asks the nurse: are my testicles black? The young pretty, terribly polite nurse ignores him.

He asks again - 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Again the young nurse ignores him.

He asks again - 'Nurse, are my testicles black?' Again she ignores him.

This happens a few times in the next 50 or so minutes.

Eventually the young nurse decides that she had better check, in order to keep the peace on the ward, and she heads across to his bed. The man smiles a satisfied smile - she is going to tell him.

She goes across to the man, bends over him, pulls back the blankets, pulls down his pyjama front and gently and carefully lifts his testicles, inspecting them and the surrounding area, from every angle.

She pulls up his pyjamas and re-covers him with his bedclothes and says, 'no, they are really ok', smiles at the man and turns to walk away...

At which point the man says, 'that was really very, very nice my dear... but I wish you'd listen to what I said: 'Are my test results back?''

 

[visionary]

Confessions of a Jewish Mother: How My Son Ruined My Life! | Israel Video Network

 

[visionary]

I laughed so hard, tears are still running down my cheeks and I can hardly see as I type this... Who would have thought.. gummy bears Beware Of The 5 lb. Bag Of Sugarless Gummy Bears On Amazon.com – The Reviews Are Priceless!

it is the review by C. Torok that you have to read...

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

I laughed so hard, tears are still running down my cheeks and I can hardly see as I type this... Who would have thought.. gummy bears Beware Of The 5 lb. Bag Of Sugarless Gummy Bears On Amazon.com – The Reviews Are Priceless!

it is the review by C. Torok that you have to read...

 

[MWood]

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart
piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told
there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living
under the laws they have just passed.
------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and
the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and
congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great
family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who
made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."





I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

 

[Yahudim]

(Hint: It helps if you read this one out loud.)

The family and friends of Ari Horowitz got together to plan a birthday gathering for him. He had been widowed for a few years now and they reasoned that his 65th birthday should be special. Sparing no expense, they made reservations at a very posh restaurant in a 5 star hotel downtown.

The dinner was grand. They had a wonderful meal and shared memories and family stories over several bottles of wine. At around 11, the restaurant was closing and the family departed, leaving Ari in the company of his closest friends. So they moved to the cocktail lounge for one last round.

Ari protested that he had a long way to drive, but his friends replied that he had no worries. They had all chipped in to reserve the penthouse suite on the top floor and bought for him the spa package too. Anything Ari needed, all he had to do was ask.

Overcome with their generosity, the old man smiled and agreed to stay. So they all shared a last bottle of wine, toasting and reminiscing together. One of his dearest friends asked if he wanted to see the penthouse suite and of course he said yes. So up the elevator they went. It was beautiful!

A panoramic view of the nighttime skyline greeted them as they entered. Breathless, Ari followed his friends through the rooms; each one luxurious and well appointed. But his friends seemed to be sharing in a private joke and he became suspicious.

"Vhat?" he exclaimed!
"Well," one said, "there is another surprise. But that, you will find out soon enough."

So, amid birthday well wishes and fond farewells, his friends departed and left Ari alone, sitting on the end of the huge bed. Suddenly, the bathroom door opened and a beautiful woman entered the bedroom wearing nothing but the hotel bathrobe and a smile.

Ari stared at the woman, completely stunned. Regaining his composure and his breath, he asked, "Vhat? Vhat is this? Who are you?"
"I'm the surprise!", the sultry woman breathed. "Your friends must love you very much," she whispered as she moved a little closer. "They paid me big money to give you super sex!"
"Vhat?" Ari gasped, with eyes wide he pulled back a little.
"That's right," she replied. "Super sex!" she said and leaned in even closer.
"Ok, Ok," said Ari, leaning back even further. With one hand bracing against the bed and the other on his kippah, Ari gasped, "I'll take the soup!"

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

Three gorgeous blonde texan men were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, ”So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The men all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. ”Now,” he said, ”did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The man immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, ”Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung his head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in his face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, ”This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, ”All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, ”I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled his eyes and said, ”Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

 

[MWood]

A Doctor had a bath room off of his office and the toilet wasn't working. He called a plumber to fix it. It took the plumber ten minute to fix and check his work. When the plumber finished he presented the Doctor with a bill for $180 dollars. The Doctor said, My goodness, 180 dollars for ten minutes work? I can't charge that much and I'm a Doctor. The plumber said I couldn't either when I was a Doctor.

 

[visionary]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said;

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

 

[visionary]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY .....!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you,
a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......

"...you should see the back of mine!"

 

[visionary]

Normally I don't get into political jokes... this one I couldn't resist.

George W. Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
...As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
----- Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
----The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

 

[MWood]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and



buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.




A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Water in the carburetor




WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------







A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC




THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF
THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.







25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.



That's scary.







It means 75% are running around untreated.






HE MUST PAY




Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am
coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming
to live with you.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:




"And God promised men that good and obedient wives
would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round.........and He laughed and
laughed and laughed!!!

 

[pat34lee]

A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.

In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[visionary]

 

[Avodat]

A new supermarket opened near my house and it has an automatic water mister that keeps the produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh hay.

In the meat department, there's an aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

For the record, I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

You should go to Jorvic, in York, here in the UK, for very, very authentic 'scents'.

 

[MWood]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got there ahead of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there any thing I can do for you?" "Yes" she said "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure" answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few items!" "Your Mother said that you would pay for her items," said the clerk.

 

[Yusuphhai]

deleted------

sorry I have started a new thread to discuss this problem.

 

[visionary]

This is a real story.

I know a Chinese member of Noahade(Noah Movement), which is a branch of Judaism for gentile. He calls himself Christian and tells all the others he is a Christian. But he told me he is a Christian by the meaning of Judaism(Noah Movement) but not Christianity.He thinks all the Apostle scriptures are false scriptures and all kinds of Christianity by the meaning of Christianity are evil religion. He himself wants to create a new kind of "Christianity" to bring general Christianity back to Noah Movement.

He is kidding me?I think he is very serious.

Noahides are the Judaism branch of evangelism for Gentiles.