just kiddin'

[MWood]

9 "verses" that aren't in the Bible

Several popular sayings can put biblical literacy to the test. For example, the phrases below aren't in Scripture, although some are pretty close.

"Money is the root of all evil," (according to 1 Timothy 6:10, the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.")

"Cleanliness is next to godliness." ( The closest teaching to this might be in James 4:8.)

"God helps those who help themselves." (This proverb originated in ancient Greece, not in scripture)

"God moves in mysterious ways." (A verse kind of like this is in Isaiah 55:8.)

"Spare the rod, spoil the child." ( British poet Samuel Butler coined this phrase, which could be a paraphrase of Proverbs 13:24.)

"This, too, shall pass." (This occurs nowhere in the Bible but has been linked, incorrectly, to King Solomon."

"Love the sinner, Hate the sin." (St, Augustine originally came up with a version of this phrase.)

"Charity begins at home." ( British theologian John Wycliffe is credited with this saying."

"God will never give you more than you can bear." (This seems to be a misinterpretation of 1 Cor. 10:13.)

 

[visionary]

A poor Jew finds a wallet with $700 in it. At his synagogue, he reads a notice saying that a wealthy congregant lost his wallet and is offering a $100 reward for it. He spots the owner and gives him the wallet.

The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you already took your reward."

The poor man answers, "What?"

"This wallet had $800 in it when I lost it."

They begin arguing, and eventually come before the rabbi.

Both state their case. The rich man concludes by saying, "Rabbi, I trust you believe ME."

The rabbi says, "Of course," and the rich man smiles. The poor man is crushed.

Then the rabbi hands the wallet to the poor man.

"What are you doing?!" yells the rich man.

The rabbi answers, "You are, of course, an honest man, and you say the wallet you lost had $800 in it. Therefore I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Until then, it belongs to the man who found it."

"What about my money?" the rich man asks.

"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with $800 in it..."

 

[visionary]

 

[Alithis]

maybe new rule needed for CF

please do not reply with overkill

 

[visionary]

Now that is gassy!!!

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

Sometimes the presentation gives the wrong impression.

 

[Alithis]

Do the word gross misrepresentation, fit?

 

[Avodat]

A very smart father....
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

I love the Dad's reply: Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went, son?"

 

[Avodat]

Do the word gross misrepresentation, fit?

Yeah, he said he'd knock on the door and wait to be invited in for a meal! Perhaps the guy above was just too hungry to wait that long!

 

[pat34lee]

An Eskimo sleeps in his little bear skin,
And sleeps very well I suppose;
But once I slept in my little bare skin,
And by golly, I almost froze!

 

[Avodat]

I was walking past a mental hospital the other day and could hear the patients in the grounds, shouting 13, 13, 13, 13 in unison.

Not being able to see what they were doing over the high fence, I squinted through a small gap in the planks.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick... and they all started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14

 

[danny ski]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Which reminds me. A pious Jew won a number game. When asked by his friend about it he explained: it was a miracle! I had a vision and in it an angel showed me a whole bunch of 7s. I counted them and there were 7 of them. But, his friend said, the winning number was 42. Well, he replied, I was never very good at math.

 

[danny ski]

17 Signs That You Have A Jewish Mother…This Is Awesome!

IT is just too large to post here so, I am going to send you to the website to read it for yourself.

» 17 Signs That You Have A Jewish Mother…This Is Awesome!

A Jewish lady from NY reached that moment in life when she decided to consult a guru. After long and dangerous journey to Tibet, she climbed the mountain and struggled into guru's cave. Dead tired she still had enough energy left to ask the wise one: Sheldon, will you please come home, already?

 

[visionary]

Last Wednesday, a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken up passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

 

[Alithis]

Last Wednesday, a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken up passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

*giggles*

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

Getting tired so I wanted to clean up my computer with the new Kosher Computer: It is now possible to purchase Kosher computers. They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM.
The price is low (wholesale), even with the shipping from Israel. However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:
1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!' button.
2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.
3) The cursor moves from right to left.
4) When Spell-Checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'
5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew about this, she would die.'
6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'
7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.
8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes 'Schloffen.'
9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik and one for milchedik topics.
11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!'
13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'
14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.
15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'
16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM.
Have a nice day!

 

[anisavta]

Sermon this Mom will never forget ...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

 

[MWood]

Sunday school teacher: "Which parable in the Bible do you like best?" Student: "The one about the guy that loafs and fishes."