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just kiddin'
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NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS! Part I
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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From: accidentaltalmudist.org
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."
The rabbi said, "No problem, my brother. I'll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there's a pig in the barn, and I can't sleep beside such a filthy animal."
The politician said, "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there!
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."
The rabbi said, "No problem, my brother. I'll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there's a pig in the barn, and I can't sleep beside such a filthy animal."
The politician said, "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there!
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A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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A very rich and influential man invited the Archbishop, the Prime Minister and the Prince of Wales to his extensive land, where he had built a very special swimming pool at enormous cost.
When the three arrived he plied them with the normal sort of food one has at such events, but strictly no alcohol! After they had eaten he invited them to go into the garden to see his swimming pool. When he told them about his new pool - they realised why no alcohol was served...
"As you climb the diving board decide what you would like to swim in, shout it out, and the pool will immediately fill with your choice of drink, no matter which you choose". The Prince went first, followed by the Prime Minister and then the Archbishop - each time the pool magically filled with their various choice of drink.
After several long swims the owner told them that there was just enough time for one more go. All three by now are totally drunk and so the Archbishop staggers up the steps and says, 'communion wine', and swims in the pool. The Prime Minister goes next, and says, 'champagne' and swims around, full of joy. By this time the Prince of Wales is just beside himself with drunken joy. He runs up the steps, balances on the top, forgets the instructions, and cries out 'weeeeeee!'
NOTE: Substitute the UK people for your own choice.
When the three arrived he plied them with the normal sort of food one has at such events, but strictly no alcohol! After they had eaten he invited them to go into the garden to see his swimming pool. When he told them about his new pool - they realised why no alcohol was served...
"As you climb the diving board decide what you would like to swim in, shout it out, and the pool will immediately fill with your choice of drink, no matter which you choose". The Prince went first, followed by the Prime Minister and then the Archbishop - each time the pool magically filled with their various choice of drink.
After several long swims the owner told them that there was just enough time for one more go. All three by now are totally drunk and so the Archbishop staggers up the steps and says, 'communion wine', and swims in the pool. The Prime Minister goes next, and says, 'champagne' and swims around, full of joy. By this time the Prince of Wales is just beside himself with drunken joy. He runs up the steps, balances on the top, forgets the instructions, and cries out 'weeeeeee!'
NOTE: Substitute the UK people for your own choice.
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First Burial Service
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.
The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.
The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place.
He took out his book and read the service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank.
A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.
The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.
The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place.
He took out his book and read the service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank.
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Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?"
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?"
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
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Over 2000 years ago, Moses said to Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." When Welfare was introduced, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to Great Britain.
Over a little tea party....
Over a little tea party....
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Girl said: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in India and he lives in Alaska.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.
I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy.
Dad said: Wow! Really!!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on
tango.
Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through g-mail.
And if you are fed up with your husband... sell him on Amazon.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.
I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy.
Dad said: Wow! Really!!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on
tango.
Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through g-mail.
And if you are fed up with your husband... sell him on Amazon.
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God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, 'Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'.'
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God.
"Get your own dirt."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God.
"Get your own dirt."
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Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband started choking up. . .
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband started choking up. . .
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
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A little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right? You can't even find the post office."
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right? You can't even find the post office."
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