just kiddin'

[visionary]

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them "I never wanted to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happened to me, just pull the plug."

They got up and unplugged my computer and threw away my wine.

 

[visionary]

Coffee with Jesus

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes"! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!
He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm on disability."

 

[visionary]

The tomato family were walking down the road. The baby tomato fell behind, and the papa tomato went back to get him. He comes up and smacks the baby tomato on the back of the head and says "Ketchup"

 

[visionary]

You will not believe what happened this morning... I went to the gas station to get a drink. When I was walking in I noticed this Police Officer watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her & thought, "Is this lady stupid or crazy?!! With the officer right there too?!"

But anyway, I went inside and got my drink. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming. I looked out the door & the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm & running around going crazy! I hurried outside to assist the police officer who had put her on the ground & was putting the fire out with his coffee!! (Not wasting my drink!!)

He then put handcuffs on her & threw her in the Police car. I was thinking "what kind of person smokes near a gas pump?!" But being the inquisitive person that I am, I asked the officer what he was charging her with...He looked me square in the eyes & said ... "WAVING A FIRE-ARM!"

 

[Heber Book List]

In similar vein - but a true story, honestly: On tv some 20 or so years ago, in the middle of a war in Africa, the reporter was saying how the doctors were constantly having to supply and fit prosthetic limbs because of the war. A live picture of the clinic was shown as he spoke and, to the right of the door, fixed to the wall, was a large official notice which carried the following text, in large red letters: NO ARMS PAST THIS POINT


(the sign referred to guns!)

 

[visionary]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

 

[visionary]

A group of Arab military troops who were gathered together near a hill. while there, they heard a voice over the hill say, "One Jew can whip 25 Arabs" The Arabs were angered and sent 25 men over the hill. After a brief outburst of gunfire, there was dead silence, then the same voice, saying, "One Jew can whip 50 Arabs." Again the Arabs were incensed, this time they sent 50 Arabs over the hill. The sound of fierce fighting rang out, then again there was great silence. The same voice declared "One Jew can whip 100 Arabs". Filled with indignation, The Arabs sent 100 of their crack troops over the hill, armed to the teeth. When all the commotion ceased on the other side of the hill, the Arabs saw one lone Arab soldier return over the hill in tattered clothes. He cried out, " Go back, go back - it's a trap. There are two of them".

 

[Heber Book List]

True story from the UK:


Ron C, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. as he drove home, and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Oh, really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[Yusuphhai]

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

 

[Heber Book List]

On a cold frosty morning: Wife texts husband at work - Windows frozen. Husband replies - pour on some warm water. Wife replies - laptop doesn't work at all now.

 

[Heber Book List]

After much prodding, Jacob finally got his uninitiated friend, Joe, to join him at a football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, Jacob asked Joe how he liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” he replied, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, Jacob asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ Like, helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

 

[Heber Book List]

Man walks into a bar and asks the barman: What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Man: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Man: Sure, how much is that?

Barman: That's £3 please.

Man: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

 

[visionary]

youneedtobuyadrinkfirst.. is a very long password, I like it.

 

[Heber Book List]

 

[Heber Book List]

Best joke I've seen for years! Couldn't stop laughing!

 

[visionary]

 

[Heber Book List]

Eggcellent yoke!

 

[Heber Book List]

Why do we wash our hair with SHAMpoo?

Why not use the real stuff?

 

[visionary]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidently passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

 

[Heber Book List]

Interesting - does the laugh come later?