just kiddin'

[visionary]

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears you.If not, go to 30 feet , then 20 feet , and so on until you get a response..”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”No response..So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”Still no response.Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”Again he gets no response.So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”Again there is no response.So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”(I just love this)“Ralph,.. for the FIFTH time,… CHICKEN!

 

[Yusuphhai]

Education - School Days
School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

 

[visionary]

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. “You ‘ave been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. “Zen, you should know enough to ‘ave your passport ready for inspection.”

The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. You Americans alwayz ‘ave to show your passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in ’44 I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”

 

[visionary]

A Primary School teacher asks her pupils to write an essay "what wish do you want from God?" At the end of the day, the teacher collects all the essays given by her pupils. She takes them to her house, sits and marking them. while marking the essays, the teacher sees a strange essay written by one of her pupils. That essay made her very emotional. Her husband comes and sits beside her and saw her crying. The husband asked his wife "What happened?"
She answered "Read this. It is one of my pupil's essay."

"Oh God, Make me into a Television or Cell Phone. I want to live like the TV or Cell Phone in my house. In my house, the TV or Cell Phone are very valuable. All of my family members sit around it and stare at it. They are very interested in it. When the TV is talking, my parents listen to it happily and calmly. They don't shout, quarrel, or slap at the TV and Cell Phone. So I want to become a TV or Cell phone. The TV and Cell phone are the center of attraction in my house. I want to receive the same special care that the TV or Cell Phone receives from my parents. Even when it is not working, the TV and Cell Phone has a lot of value.

When my dad and mom come home, immediately they sit in front of the TV with their Cell Phones.
The TV and Cell Phone are stealing the time of my dad and my mom. If I become a TV or Cell Phone, they will spend their time with me. While watching the TV or listening on the Cell Phone, my parents laugh a lot and they smile many times. But I want my parents should laugh and smile with me. So please make me into a TV or Cell Phone. And last but not least, If I become either one, surely I can make my parents happy and entertain them. Lord I don't ask you anything. I just want to live like a TV or Cell Phone.

The husband completed reading the essay.
He said "My God, poor kid. He feels loneliness. He did not receive enough love and care from his parents. His parents are horrible". The eyes of the primary School teacher filled with tears. She looked at her husband and said "Our son wrote this essay".

 

[Heber Book List]

Many years ago, not long after WW2, when material goods were very scarce, we young people always used to say that we needed just one wish: that every wish I ever wished would come true, thinking of all the [then] good things we could enjoy. As the years passed by, we discovered that it could back fire on us with disastrous results, in so many different situations as we, and the world in which we lived, grew up!

Not funny...but, following on from Visionary's post above, it makes quite a contrast as to how family life has changed, and some of those wishes are now quite the reverse in many places, and in many ways!

 

[Yusuphhai]

(written by me)

“You are a parrot”

A: I am A.
B: I am A.
A: You are B.
B: You are B.
A: Are you leaning speaking like a parrot?
B: Are you leaning speaking like a parrot?
A: You
B：You
A: You are another parrot learning speaking from a parrot.
B: You are another parrot learning speaking from a parrot.
A：You are another parrot learning speaking from a parrot.
B：I am the master of the first speaking parrot.
A: whom do You learn speaking from?
B: from myself.
A: What is the first speaking you learn?
B: “You are a parrot”.

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

 

[Heber Book List]

Picture the scene - a very nicely decorated Church with lots of flowers, bride looked fantastic, all the seats were taken up by friends and family of bride and groom.

The time comes for the bride and groom to stand before the minister who first asks the traditional question about anyone wanting to object to the wedding. There were no responses, so the minister turns to the groom and says, Jack, it's time to say the vows, Jack stands up nice and straight and, with a confident voice, says A, E, I...

 

[visionary]

Rob Atta-singh

 

[visionary]

This policeman gave an unsuspecting lawyer a dose of his own medicine. When the defense attorney brought the officer’s integrity into question during a cross examination for a felony trial, the officer had the best comeback EVER:

Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

 

[Heber Book List]

A group of Brits went on holiday to Switzerland and, as part of the holiday, they were taken up on to the mountains to see the wonderful views from the Alps.

The guide arranged to take a professional yodeler with them so that the group could experience this amazing use of the mountains to resonate the voice for miles and miles, as it vibrates from mountain to mountain. The group listened intently, clapping each time with great enjoyment and amazement.

Out from the group walks a little Welsh man, and he says to the yodeler, 'Look here, boyo, this is all very good and nice, but it's just not as good as the Welsh hills, they are better than any of the mountains in the world!'. The yodeler struggled to suppress his laughter, as he asked the man how the Welsh hills were better than the massive Swiss Alps. 'Well, boyo', says the Welshman, 'in Wales, you can stand on top of our only mountain, and shout out as loud as you can, 'Jonesy', and from every direction you will hear the cry come back to you: Which one? Which one? Which one? Which one? from the valleys and the hills, for miles and miles and miles around. Now, then, boyo, let's see you beat that in your Alps!'

(reads best if you have a Welsh accent )

 

[visionary]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. ' I bought her a scale.. And that's how the fight started.....

 

[visionary]

I asked my hubby, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see his face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' he said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's how the fight started....

 

[visionary]

 

[Heber Book List]

...and the response was...

 

[visionary]

I wish I knew

 

[Heber Book List]

I wish I knew

So what is 'priceless' about that, in relation to your previous post about a dam on this thread??

 

[visionary]