just kiddin'

[visionary]

Conversation between hubby and wife...

Wife: Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

 

[yedida]

Conversation between hubby and wife...

Wife: Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

A good one, and I'm sorry to have to admit, not too far from reality....

 

[visionary]

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?"
The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?"

 

[Gxg (G²)]

That's wild...

 

[visionary]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...n a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'


She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[ChavaK]

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if the children had any questions.
Little David quickly raised his hand. "Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?" "Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?" "Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?" "Again you are correct, David."

"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

 

[visionary]

4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


(Wait for it)


She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[visionary]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[visionary]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

 

[Avodat]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend, the daughter of a Rabbi, home. As they are about to say goodbye, the guy starts feeling a little romantic. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a good, long good-night kiss?"
Horrified, the straight-laced girl replies; "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Ann, "No way. It's just too risky!"
Bob: "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Ann "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t"
Bob: "Oh yes you can. Please!"
Ann, "No, no. I just can’t"
Bob, "I beg you ...
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up, clad just in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a good-night kiss, or I can do it.
Or... if need be, mum says she can come down herself and do it.

But for Heaven's sake tell him to take his hand off the XXXXXX intercom"

 

[mishkan]

ROTFLOL!!!

Great one!

One night a guy takes his girlfriend, the daughter of a Rabbi, home. As they are about to say goodbye, the guy starts feeling a little romantic. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a good, long good-night kiss?"
Horrified, the straight-laced girl replies; "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Ann, "No way. It's just too risky!"
Bob: "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
Ann "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t"
Bob: "Oh yes you can. Please!"
Ann, "No, no. I just can’t"
Bob, "I beg you ...
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up, clad just in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a good-night kiss, or I can do it.
Or... if need be, mum says she can come down herself and do it.

But for Heaven's sake tell him to take his hand off the XXXXXX intercom"

 

[visionary]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

''Mrs. Sanders, please."

''Speaking."

''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."

''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."

''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[yedida]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

''Mrs. Sanders, please."

''Speaking."

''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."

''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which."

''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Good one! lol

 

[ChavaK]

Good one! lol

And unfortunately, is a likely scenario when Obamacare comes through

 

[visionary]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; I need to inspect your farm for organic gardening practices.

I said Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
Your badge, show him your BADGE!!

 

[visionary]

Adam: "God, I need a companion, someone who will keep me company, make me laugh, cook my food and, generally, cater to my every need".
God: "That would cost you an arm and a leg".
Adam: (After some thought) "Okay then, what could I get for a rib"?

 

[pat34lee]

Conversations with God on Mt. Sinai, 5000 years ago:

God: “And remember, Moses, to keep kosher, never cook a kid goat in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.”
Moses: “God, so are you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together?”
God: “No, what I’m saying is, never cook a kid goat in its mother’s milk.”
Moses: “Oh Lord, forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs?”
God: “No Moses, listen! I am saying, don’t cook a kid in its mother’s milk!”
Moses: “Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! Do you mean we should have a separate set of dishes each for milk and for meat, separate dishwashers, and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside …”
God: “Moses, just do whatever you want.”

 

[visionary]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

 

[visionary]

In the hospital where a family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains lower because they're ‘used’."

 

[pat34lee]