Just For Laughs

[Greenthumb]

The latest Reader's Digest suggests that Canada is the funniest country in the world. A poll says we have the most funny people per capita and our 2 biggest exports are comedy and comedians. With all the stuff going on in this great country of ours I'm sure we could all use some laughs. So...I thought we should start a thread to post our best jokes in. Maybe if this becomes popular, one of our fabulous mods could sticky it up there so it doesn't get lost.

 

[Avatar]

Hear about the Newfoundland wolf that got caught in the leg trap? Chewed off three legs and it was still stuck!

(Hope Newf jokes are allowed!)

 

[Avatar]

This BSE/Mad cow disease thing has been big news the last couple of years. But its nothing new, my father tells me it used to be known as PMS.


Oh, I'm going to be shot!!

 

[traingosorry]

This BSE/Mad cow disease thing has been big news the last couple of years. But its nothing new, my father tells me it used to be known as PMS.


Oh, I'm going to be shot!!

At first I thought to myself 'Where'd I put my shotgun? " but then I laughed - how can you not? - it was funny!

~~ a MAD, mad Cow

 

[Greenthumb]

Hear about the Newfoundland wolf that got caught in the leg trap? Chewed off three legs and it was still stuck!

(Hope Newf jokes are allowed!)

Especially Newfie jokes!

 

[Greenthumb]

After living in Winnipeg for nearly an entire winter, a Winnipeg man
departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife
the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Toronto.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and
the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to
appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the
problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach
was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Winnipeg’s was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly American preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how
hot it is down here.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

I really do think Canadians have a great sense of humor! Look at some of the Canadian comics we have produced!!

 

[Athanasian Creed]

OK, since we are talking Newfie jokes -

Newfoundland Medical Dictionary:

1. Artery - The study of paintings
2. Barium - What doctors do when patients die
3. Caesarian Section - A Roman Neighbourhood
4. Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
5. Colic - A Sheep Dog
6. D & C - Where Washington is
7. Dilate - To Live Long
8. Enema - Not a Friend
9. Fibula - A Small Lie
10.Genital - Not A Jew
11.G. I. Series - Military Ball Games
12.Impotent - Distinguish & Well Known
13.Labour Pain - Getting Hurt At Work
14.Morbid - A Higher Offer
15.Nitrates - Cheaper than Day Rates
16.Node - Was Aware Of
17.Outpatient - A Person Who Has Fainted
18.Pap Smear - Fatherhood Test
19.Post Operative - Letter Carrier
20.Recovery Room - Place To Do Upholstery
21.Seizure - Roman Emperor
22.Tablet - Small Table
23.Terminal Illness - Getting Sick At The Airport
24.Urine - Opposite of "Your Out"





Ray

 

[Greenthumb]

^rofl!

 

[Sitting Duck]

A classic...

Canada could have been a great country. It could have had:
-British culture,
-French cuisine and
-American technology.

But instead, it ended up with:
-American culture,
-British cuisine and
-French technology.

 

[Avatar]

A classic...

Canada could have been a great country. It could have had:
-British culture,
-French cuisine and
-American technology.

But instead, it ended up with:
-American culture,
-British cuisine and
-French technology.

So true its sad!

 

[glo]

I really do think Canadians have a great sense of humor! Look at some of the Canadian comics we have produced!!

you mean humoUr do you not?

 

[glo]

Q: What do you get when you take current Canada and you replace its current identity with that of the USA?

A: the current Canada unchanged.

~ ~ ~

Q: what do you get when you mix right wing wacko Republicans with the communist NDP?

A: centre based politics

 

[Greenthumb]

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.
He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles."
And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, fried chicken and steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created The Canadian Health Care System.

 

[Avatar]

.

 

[Greenthumb]

An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions.

The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.

Officer: "Where are you going?"

Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."

Officer: "How long will you be gone?"

Husband: "About one month."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."

Officer: "Where are you from?"

Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."

Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city.

Had the worst date experience in my life."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He says he knows you!"

 

[Northern Light]

A Newfie went took a vacation to San Jose.

He asked a Police Officer for directions. The police officer chuckled because the Newfie had pronounced 'Jose' the same way it is spelled.
He told the Newfie to pronnounce it like a 'H' instead of a 'J'.
The Newfie laughed at his mistake.
The police Officer then asked the Newfie how long he was staying.
The Newfie answered, "Hune to Huly."

 

[simplicity]

There are two horrible tic problems that just totally cause cats and dogs to grieve:

Luna-tic
and Psycho-tic

 

[Jonathan David]

So...I thought we should start a thread to post our best jokes in.

I thought that we were trying to cut back on threads about our politics and politicians.

 

[Jonathan David]

Okay, so God has created the earth and He is showing it off to the angels. He says to them, "It is all about creating a balance. I have put mountains rushing up to the sky and valleys dipping down beneath the seas. I have created deserts of ice and deserts of sand. I have created roses that are pleasing to smell but painful to touch. I have created ways for moisture to fall to the earth and ways for it to be raised back to the sky.... but this.... this is my masterpiece. I will call this land Canada. It will be inhabited by an amazing community of people. They will be intelligent, funny, compassionate, unbelievably attractive and ethical. They will rule the globe at the game of ice hockey and they will be the envy of the whole world."

At that point, one of the angels put up his hand and said, "But Lord, what about balance?"

God smiled. "A fine question for indeed this appears to be a completely unbalanced situation.... but just wait until you see what I have put to the south of them.