I've lost that loving feeling....
- Thread starter OneGodforMe65
- Start date
It is time your husband got off his butt 
You are working, he is not. He needs to have dinner on the table when you get home.
Give him a list of what you expect to be done each day if he want's to be the "housewife". Laundry, cleaning, cooking, kid's homework if they are that young.
If he doesn't want to "pull his own weight", it's time you found another place to live. You have enough on your plate without having to wait on a grown man fully capable of helping YOU!
I imagine after a few weeks, of dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning toilets and tubs, he will be out looking for a job if he want's you to stick around.
It is difficult to love a person who appears to be using you and not putting forth any effort to step up to the plate. Let me know if you sit down with him and voice your expectations and then what transpires, either way it goes, some of the weight will be off you.
Keep praying, G-d could turn this around
Blessings
You are working, he is not. He needs to have dinner on the table when you get home.Give him a list of what you expect to be done each day if he want's to be the "housewife". Laundry, cleaning, cooking, kid's homework if they are that young.
If he doesn't want to "pull his own weight", it's time you found another place to live. You have enough on your plate without having to wait on a grown man fully capable of helping YOU!
I imagine after a few weeks, of dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning toilets and tubs, he will be out looking for a job if he want's you to stick around.
It is difficult to love a person who appears to be using you and not putting forth any effort to step up to the plate. Let me know if you sit down with him and voice your expectations and then what transpires, either way it goes, some of the weight will be off you.
Keep praying, G-d could turn this around
Blessings
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McScribe
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Hm. I wonder, based on what you're saying, whether you are simply part of a vicious circle or something. You said at the start that you thought he was a good man and that you had lost respect for him.
I have a few things to say about this.
First of all, I think that women, when they are going through a general anxiety about the state of being of a family financially or whatever the situation generally is don't understand their man's reaction sometimes. His apparent cheerfulness and contentedness may (I don't know him so I'm basing this on what I commonly know to be true) simply be that the average guy I know tends to believe in just making the best of things and not complaining. From a male point of view doing that sounds like whining and so he may actually be worried as well but trying to appear like he's just making the best of it. This is a possibility, and I don't know you or him so I can't say whether it's true or not, but it's there.
Second, having no marketable skills when you hadn't really needed them (or so you thought) is demoralizing and difficult. You say he has no ambition--I'm wondering what risks you would be willing to take financially to encourage him to GET some marketable skills at a community college or something. (Again, I don't know; it's hard I realize in your OP to put down every circumstance and complication of your issues)
Third: falling in love with him again may or may not happen, but in a lot of ways when a marital situation approaches a hump like this you really need to stick out your faith. Of course it's hard to do this--there's nothing in the Bible that says that being loving towards your spouse is easy, but that God will help you and be with you is in the Bible. So to be blunt, I'd say don't worry about being in love with him--be concerned about being patient, kind, generous, forgiving, understanding and humble. What would you hope for him to do if your situations were reversed?
I have a few things to say about this.
First of all, I think that women, when they are going through a general anxiety about the state of being of a family financially or whatever the situation generally is don't understand their man's reaction sometimes. His apparent cheerfulness and contentedness may (I don't know him so I'm basing this on what I commonly know to be true) simply be that the average guy I know tends to believe in just making the best of things and not complaining. From a male point of view doing that sounds like whining and so he may actually be worried as well but trying to appear like he's just making the best of it. This is a possibility, and I don't know you or him so I can't say whether it's true or not, but it's there.
Second, having no marketable skills when you hadn't really needed them (or so you thought) is demoralizing and difficult. You say he has no ambition--I'm wondering what risks you would be willing to take financially to encourage him to GET some marketable skills at a community college or something. (Again, I don't know; it's hard I realize in your OP to put down every circumstance and complication of your issues)
Third: falling in love with him again may or may not happen, but in a lot of ways when a marital situation approaches a hump like this you really need to stick out your faith. Of course it's hard to do this--there's nothing in the Bible that says that being loving towards your spouse is easy, but that God will help you and be with you is in the Bible. So to be blunt, I'd say don't worry about being in love with him--be concerned about being patient, kind, generous, forgiving, understanding and humble. What would you hope for him to do if your situations were reversed?
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McScribe
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Yes, I'll pray for you for wisdom, strength and clarity of course.
Something that's occuring to me here: your husband seems to have mental conditions that actual prevent him from learning. I wonder if there is some way of getting some help from the State for dealing with that?
Something that's occuring to me here: your husband seems to have mental conditions that actual prevent him from learning. I wonder if there is some way of getting some help from the State for dealing with that?
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k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe
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Maybe your husband also has Aspergers? From your description it kinda sounds like it.
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sdmsanjose
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You have had to suffer the pain of your first husband rejecting you in the most hurtful way, you have a second husband that has no ambition and no job, has not supported you to any acceptable degree, he can not take care of himself, is overweight, has no insurance, is losing ground mentally, has little or no common sense, He's socially inappropriate, has two learning disabilities, and in addition you have a disabled daughter.
OneGodforme65
I have no words that will help you and it appears to me that only God can help you.
I will say this; you have demonstrated a powerful testimony! You have been suffering for many years and yet you still pray to God and have not left your husband. Your actions have proven you to be a GOOD Woman!
Additionally, your post can be used by us that have issues in our marriage. I dont know about anyone else but the problems that I have in my marriage are much less serious than yours and I need to thank my God and my spouse for sparing me such pain. I am a fortunate man.
Your post makes me feel like the guy that complains about his shoes then sees someone without feet.
OneGodforme65, you have suffered and sacrificed and I can not help but think that there is a reward for you someday.
Stan
OneGodforme65
I have no words that will help you and it appears to me that only God can help you.
I will say this; you have demonstrated a powerful testimony! You have been suffering for many years and yet you still pray to God and have not left your husband. Your actions have proven you to be a GOOD Woman!
Additionally, your post can be used by us that have issues in our marriage. I dont know about anyone else but the problems that I have in my marriage are much less serious than yours and I need to thank my God and my spouse for sparing me such pain. I am a fortunate man.
Your post makes me feel like the guy that complains about his shoes then sees someone without feet.
OneGodforme65, you have suffered and sacrificed and I can not help but think that there is a reward for you someday.
Stan
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sdmsanjose
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I know men that are very healthy and have a lot of money but do not come close to having the qualities that your husband has. One of those men was my sisters husband who was a star athlete and made real good money. He left my sister for a married woman.
Janene, you have your priorities right as you picked this man and showed that you are a good woman by your telling us the good points that your husband has. That would be hard for me to do if I was suffering like you.
Thank you Janene for encouraging us with your story.
Stan
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FaithPrevails
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This part of your original post really jumped out at me. Here is the part where your trouble began, IMO - you married someone to help ease financial strain, but he has become more financial burden for you rather than easing it as you originally hoped. Am I reading that correctly?
I feel for you if he is dealing with health issues and is unable to work.
What about disability? Does he qualify to receive SSI benefits? What about your daughter who cannot work? Is she receiving benefits?
I know the stress of trying to support a family on one income - I supported my family of 5 on my income for an extended amount of time and my husband is just now getting back on his feet work-wise after dealing with a back injury and subsequent surgery.
I will pray that your family will get back on track financially - the strain of that is enough to create a divide between a couple - and adding health issues to the heap makes things that much more difficult.
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Created2Write
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...Not sure when it became that one sin justified another. Marrying after your first husband left isn't an excuse to just up and divorce your current husband. You vowed to be with him in health AND sickness; that includes mental sickness. Let me ask this: if you were married(we'll say to someone other than your current husband) and started to lose your mental stability, would you want him to divorce you and leave you by yourself? Would you want to be abandoned? Even if you ended up having the mentality of a kid?
Love is a choice. You could have chosen to love your husband. It would have taken a lot of work, because making that choice is often difficult, but it was still a choice you had. Your daughter doesn't sound like she was in any danger. He couldn't help his mental state anymore than your daughter can help hers. That's an excuse to somehow justify your actions.
I'll be praying for you. I'm not even sure what to pray, as I am entirely against the idea of divorcing just because someone's mental state is deteriorating, but I will offer a prayer for you.
Love is a choice. You could have chosen to love your husband. It would have taken a lot of work, because making that choice is often difficult, but it was still a choice you had. Your daughter doesn't sound like she was in any danger. He couldn't help his mental state anymore than your daughter can help hers. That's an excuse to somehow justify your actions.
I'll be praying for you. I'm not even sure what to pray, as I am entirely against the idea of divorcing just because someone's mental state is deteriorating, but I will offer a prayer for you.
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FaithPrevails
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I have to agree with C2W here. Speaking as someone who is divorced myself, I don't agree with the motivations for why you married and are now divorcing this man.
I will be praying, too - for God's will in your life and your marriage to be apparent to you and for you to make choices according to it.
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Conservativation
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What an unusual story. Someones mental capacity doesn't simply change that way unless there is pathology involved, in which case there should be medical intervention.
It seems more like increasing criticism to me, not him growing less and less able to process information or whatever the terms you used were.
I have a funny feeling he is glad to be over at the other place, thats why his voice isnt shaking.
It seems more like increasing criticism to me, not him growing less and less able to process information or whatever the terms you used were.
I have a funny feeling he is glad to be over at the other place, thats why his voice isnt shaking.
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Doubly agreed. Reading OneGod's thread makes me so sad...my stbx said he'd never divorce me, but the more ill I became throughout the course of our marriage, the less he cared about me. Though I have no physical evidence of it, during the end of our marriage, he just became completely detached from anything other than his social life and job, and only had time to threaten and psychologically terrorize me every second. (He) also couldn't deal with my constant emotional upheaval, and wouldn't, yet the fact that I acted out as such at all the was most often because of his lack of empathy and severely intense mistreatment.
At any rate, I venture to think that OneGod's spouse is likely extremely upset at this turn of events...
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If Not For Grace
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I'd hate to hear her idea of "undesirable" her description of hubbs is "great guy",
Where's the beef?
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Conservativation
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Question....could I come to the "support forum" and ask for people to, say, log in under my user name and post things with a time stamp so that I could use it as alibi for an affair?
Could I get support from a Christian friend to drive me to the hotel where I met my affair?
No one has been harsh (except maybe me, but mine wasnt a divorce sin comment) on divorce and sin.
We suffer this illusion that you've perfectly portrayed. Divorce is a thing for "support".....NEVER any question or blow back....while if you took the exact same thinking and applied it to other behaviors it would seem utterly absurd.
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