I've cheated on my wife numerous times....

[ChesterWigglebottoms]

But this time I've probably gone too far.

It's one thing to cheat on someone and have that relationship be purely sexual. I'm not saying that it's okay to do, but doesn't compare to starting a whole new relationship.

My wife and I were seperated for a while and I got involved with someone else. I tried to convince myself that it was okay because we were seperated and divorce looked to be very near. But then someone else came a long. Long story short, she fell in love with me and I have grown very attached to her. She was very sifferent from my wife: she was extremely positive, hard-core christian, funny, encouraging, her family is very religious, and she is in the same college program I am.

But, despite how well things were going, I knew it was wrong. Even though my wife was the complete opposite of this new woman, it just felt wrong since we were technically married still. I know it's wrong, but I've been struggling with divorce. People tell me that when God brings two people together he doesn't make mistakes, so divorce should be out of the question. But the skeptical side of my says that that makes no sense at all.

I'm so confused. When I get physically ill, my wife is teh first person that comes to mind. All I want to do is go home and be with her. To me, that says alot. We are both going to start going to marriage counseling now and that's a step we have never taken before. It's a christin counselor and we have been seen him individually, but tomorrow will be the first time we visit him together.

I love my wife, but I have strong feelings for this other girl. People tell me that she is evil, but she can't be. She's very involved in the church as well, and she's a good person.

My wife knows all about this girl. She knows we've slept together, that there are feeling involved and how much she loves me. I'm scared that even though she forgives me now, she will use this against me later. I have trust issues as you can see. She says she wishes it were some one night stand bcause then feelings wouldn't be involved. She knows we seperated because we were not getting along at all, she was so negative all the time, and this girl had nothing to do with it.

The other girl knows all about my wife. she knows we were seperated and that I was extremely unhappy. Things were going well between us until her father talked to me. He is a pasture at a local church and does marriage counseling. That's the irony of it all. He didn't say anything negative to me, but just meeting him made me realize that this has gotten way more complicated than I ever thought it would. I never wanted to hurt his daughter, she's a wonderful person, but whenever I try to stop talking to her she is convinced we met each other for a reason and that we will end up together. This is just a very delicate situation and it's just tough.

The funny thing is that the thing I KNOW is right to do, which is end it with the new girl and make things work with the wife, doesn't really feel right. That doesn't bring me the joy I experienced with the new girl. But in the long run, like I said, my wife makes me feel safe when I am sick. Does that make sense?

I just wish none of this ever happened. I want to see both women happy. They're both great people and I wish nothing but the best for them. This whole ordeal seems to be making me physically ill. The stress is unbearable. I've told my wife that we will work at things, now I have to end it with teh new girl. I just don't know what to tell her. I also hope I'm not making a mistake.

 

[Ari5]

Well I am not going to sugar coat this for you: You either need to live what the Bible says or don't. You have to make the choice on what your beliefs are, & only you can make that choice.

As far as the other women, your saying she is a "good christian" is quite questionable if she is sleeping with you & leading you away from your marraige. You are caught in satan's trap my friend & he is deceiving you with his lies.

I am glad to hear you are going to counseling with your wife. Believe me, I do know how easy it is to get caught in satans trap, but you can turn this around if you are willing. The first thing you will need to do, is cut off complete contact with this "other women". You can not let her feelings get in the way of what you need to do, she does not have your best interest or your wifes at heart. I'm sure your counselor will tell you this also. This will be the hardest part because of your emotional attatchment to her, but I will tell you that if you are willing to do the work, God will be faithful in his word to bless you for staying in your marraige.

Turn towards your wife & God, you will not regret it. It will take time, but it is well worth it to follow God. I'd recommend getting the book "Every Mans Battle" . It will help you tremendously.
Blessings, Ari

 

[Singin4Him]

I agree with the above poster. If this women was truly a hardcore Christian should would not be with a married man, separated or not you are MARRIED. She may be a "good person" and a "religious woman" but godly she is not because she is living in sin with you. Think about this, you are not only living in sin but your sin is now overflowing into someone else's life as well. You are now causing another to hinder their relationship with Christ as well.

Just because this women makes you feel good and you have strong feelings for her that may even feel like love, does not mean that this is right and even more so from God. In fact Satan is called the angel of light for a reason, when things are of Satan they don't usually look bad and feel bad that is usually the opposite.

I want to encourage you to work things out with your wife. It seems that the Lord is trying to get through to you about that and you are allowing the other women to manipulate your feelings on that. Trust me I have seen within my family that there is great healing after situations such as this, if you allow the Lord to work through this He certainly will. It's not going to be easy but in the end it will be well worth it! Divorce is never in God's plan for marriage.

 

[highranger]

That doesn't bring me the joy I experienced with the new girl

crack makes the user feel good while their high..but then when they realize they've gone to far with it..it's usually to late..my advice is to take a look at your life and see if this is the kind of situation you want to be in..it is not right for your wife to have to put up with this..she has feelings and sounds like if your talking with another woman she's probably getting hurt..it's one thing to hurt yourself but when you're hurting someone else then it's just plain WRONG...once you've worked out all the problems you may have then go to your wife and see if your relationship with her is any better..i don't know you but chances are you have some issues that got you in this situation to start with..never take anyone's feelings for granted..a broken heart is a terrible thing to try to heal..

I just don't know what to tell her

start with your married..

 

[InTheFlame]

I'm not a big fan of just throwing scripture at someone when they're struggling with a problem. But something came to mind when I read your post, and I feel I should post it:

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.

So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.


Malachi 2:13-15

May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?
Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?
For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD,
and he examines all his paths.
The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him;
the cords of his sin hold him fast.
He will die for lack of discipline,
led astray by his own great folly.


Proverbs 5:18-23

 

[tizherself]

I have to agree with other posts - you are still a married man. You have made a convenant with your wife and you have broken it. If she can forgive you for what you've done, then continue with your counseling - see what can be saved!! If that is just not possible, then you are not free to begin a new relationship until you are no longer married. Now, this girl may indeed be very sweet - but did she KNOW that you were married when this "relationship" began? If she is a good Christian, then she cannot claim ignorance - she had no excuse to date a married man! If she found out later that you were still married - then she also was morally obligated to end the relationship. Try to make this right - try to save your relationship with your wife - end this adulterous relationship with this girl as compassionately BUT as firmly as possible. I'm sure her relationship with her father is strained because of this also - how can that be of God?? Do what you say you already know is right to do - If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart...

 

[ChesterWigglebottoms]

Well, the wife and I went to counseling today. It's a step in the right direction. The counselor seems was very encouraging in lettting us both know that it is a huge step to acknowledge a problem, and make teh effort to solve it.

It's so easy to walk away from problems when it comes to marriage. I'm still in my mid-20's and I think I'm just so used to walking away from a relationship when the going gets tough. Of course that changes with marriage, but I really have t o work on that either way.

Thank you all for your kind, yet harsh words. Sometimes that's exactly what is needed. This especially helped....

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "

 

[Ashyah]

I agree with the other posters.
If this other girl is a true christian she would not have had this affair with you!
You need to seek repentance if you have not already done so. Cut ties with this other woman. You and your wife need to continue counseling for awhile. Your wife should not take you back until you have proved yourself trustful.
A relationship like that that involved sex is hard to forget.If you were drawn to your wife while you were sick it is because that is where you belong.
May God bless you and your wife.

 

[jesusmysaviour76]

Well I have been in this exact situation, well yours, not your wife's.

I had an affair on my husband and I began a relationship with another man. What I found was that he was nothing more than escape from reality for me, and when the fantasy wore off I wanted the reality.

I was seperated from my husband for eight months due to it. Thankfully for me my husband found it in his heart to forgive me and we have been able to heal and our bond is now growing stronger.

You need to decide what it is you want. You say when you are sick your wife is the first you think of. Well that suggests to me you do love her, you just need an escape from the reality that is the habit of being married. So how about trying bungee jumping or sky diving. Yes it's just as dangerous as an affair but this way you wont go to hell if you die doing it.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Cheating is going too far. it doesn't suddenly become going too far. Too far has come and gone.

I think the girl needs to leave the picture.
Especially if she knows she is interfering with a still intact marriage. There is no way to justify that. It's time for her to prove the quality of her faith.

 

[SanctiSpiritus]

Um, the new girl you found is anything but a "hard core" christian. You and her are committing hard core adultery.

 

[lin1235]

How much does your wife know about your infidelities? Is she willing to forgive you?

More importantly, are you willing to stop this behavior? If it has already happened numerous times, it looks like a pattern that can easily be repeated even after you go to counselling and start repairing your marriage.

 

[bliz]

You said something in your original post that caught my attention:

.
The funny thing is that the thing I KNOW is right to do, which is end it with the new girl and make things work with the wife, doesn't really feel right.

You know what is right - you don't need to be told - but you are drawn away from the right thing by feelings. Doing the right thing is not always gong to feel right, at least not in the initial stages.

Realizing that we are sinners and confessing our sins to God does not "feel right" to most people. Getting an immunization shot does not feel right - it hurts! But we know that it will help keep us from getting tetnus or smallpox.

Do you think that God wants you to have an unhappy life? Does He want you to suffer and not know love? His path is the way to all of that, you know that. And this same path is the only way that the new woman in your life is going to be able to get on with the life God has for her - a life that can be joyful and blessed, which any life with you cannot be.

Taking the necessary steps to get back on the right path is gong to be hard. It is going to hurt and there will be tears. It will not feel right at all, but it will still be the right thing to do.

 

[Ari5]

How are things going ? Have you talked to your wife? Did you tell the other women good-bye?

I agree with Bliz , in that your emotions aren't always going to tell you the right thing to do. They can play tricks on you.

I've had a person that was trying to lead me out of my marraige & I had to fight my emotions & cut this person out of my life. It is not easy , by any means, but worth it to follow Christ. Just wanted to keep encouraging you to stick with it, it will take time. But we have been in counseling now for about 10 months & things are turning around for our marraige. I've developed a "new love" for him, & a new appreciation for him, that makes me feel like we are newleyweds again!! You will proabbly have many hard months ahead, but don't give up, God promises if we are faithful, he will be faithful to heal & restore!!! Blessings, Ari

 

[KillerV]

Everyone already gave you everything you needed to hear. But I just want to say a few words. 1st like everyone has already said,there is no way in heck is this girl a christian. Satan comes in sheeps clothing. You need to relize that.

2nd I think you are a sex addict. You need to deal and confront with your sexual perversion,or it will deal with you. I apologize for being so blunt but I really hope this hits home. I hope things work out for you two.

 

[ChesterWigglebottoms]

How are things going ? Have you talked to your wife? Did you tell the other women good-bye?

I agree with Bliz , in that your emotions aren't always going to tell you the right thing to do. They can play tricks on you.

I've had a person that was trying to lead me out of my marraige & I had to fight my emotions & cut this person out of my life. It is not easy , by any means, but worth it to follow Christ. Just wanted to keep encouraging you to stick with it, it will take time. But we have been in counseling now for about 10 months & things are turning around for our marraige. I've developed a "new love" for him, & a new appreciation for him, that makes me feel like we are newleyweds again!! You will proabbly have many hard months ahead, but don't give up, God promises if we are faithful, he will be faithful to heal & restore!!! Blessings, Ari

I've cut off the other person. It was rough, heck, it's still rough. But it has to be done. I'm tempted to pick up teh phone at times, but have held out.

My wife and I are still going through times. But as wierd as this sounds, I feel better going through arguments and rough times without knowing that someone else is influencing my mood. If that makes sense. We're supposed to go back to the couselor a month from now. For some reason, he wants to wait a while to see us again, Idont under stand that.

And KillerV, dont apologize for being blunt, it's really okay. Posting this thread, I knew that people probably wouldn't be thrilled about what I am doing. Some people here, have really said what NEEDED to be said. I do appreciate that.

 

[joyful11]

Gpd will bless you for doing the right thing from this point on. Over time, the feelings for the other woman will fade (assuming you stick to no contact- every contact will renew your feelings) and the feelings for your wife will come back. Blessings.

 

[todd555]

It can take awhile for those thoughts of the other chick to go away, sometimes, but they will eventually.

Heh, then you will be like, "What in the heck was I thinking?!!!???!!!"

One thing that will help is getting filled with the Holy Spirit and having annointed people pray over you. There are things that happen beyond the physical when we join in sex (one flesh) with people, especially repeatedly. So you get attached on a spiritual level somewhere in yer soul or yer spirit or whatever.

Hope this isn't too goofy sounding. It sounds like you are taking the right track and realizing just how good you have it. "Whoever finds a wife finds favor from the LORD."

You got a good woman there, I suspect. I hope you continue to realize how blessed you are.....

 

[LJSGM]

Maybe I could give you some help in repenting

1 Corinthians 6:8-10
9Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Repent, Repent, Repent!


There, that should help your relationship with God and help your marriage

 

[Ari5]

Praise the Lord that you have cut the women out of your life!!! Good for you!!! I know it is hard believe me, it will probably take months to start to feel better but I can tell you it WILL happen. Keep in there.

A book that you should run out & get & pour over is "Every man's Battle". It will be a blessing to you!!

Cling to the Lord during this time, when a thought pops in your head get out your bible, say a verse, or just pray for God to take the thought away. I came across many verses but one that helped is Deuteronomy30:11 - "Now what I am asking you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach" (go on to read 11 to 20) I was like WOW, I can do this. God says I can.

Just wanted to say a BIG WAY TO GO!!!! Keep us updated!!! Blessings, Ari